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Emily Simpson screams at Kelly Dodd

Dramy, dramy, dram-dramzs on last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County. So Emily Simpson was really glad that after all the rumors, speculation, and gossip Shane could come to Tamra Judges party, be his best Mormon self, and everyone would get to know ‘the real Shane.’  Except The Real Shane(TM) turned out to be kinda worse than the Shane of everyone’s imagination. This is gonna go either one of two ways here, kids: Emily will find herself divorced, or her happy marriage will cost her the show next season!

This episode might as well have been titled The Real HouseHUSBANDS, because it was about bad husbands or lack thereof from start to finish. After our two week hiatus, we’re still on the golf course celebrating Vicki Gunvalson‘s 400th birthday. This day has more fits and starts than Vicki’s ever-evolving face. Suddenly Shanon Beador was storming away from the lunch table because Tamra “doesn’t care” about Shannon’s opinion.

This was a multi-layer fight over everything and nothing that good friends find themselves in occasionally. It’s like a 7-layer dip where some asshole decided to go heavy on beans but light on guac. Tamra and Shannon are wading through the beans – fear not the guac is in there! Get more chips! Tamra accused Shannon of talking shit about Emily’s husband without knowing him, and since she has trashed Shannon’s marriage experienced when someone trashes your marriage, Tamra knows you must defend it at all cost. Game on, except if your game is golf!

What Tamra is actually mad about is how Shannon makes everything about herself – Emily’s marriage, Emily’s husband, Tamra’s foot, … is really all about Shannon’s divorce. Tamra doesn’t have a leg to stand on in this argument – she actually threw her leg across the table – because SHE was also talking crap about Shane behind Emily’s back, but what she wasn’t doing was ignoring Shannon during her time of need. And Shannon has a lot of needs, so that’s like a full-time job. Good thing Tamra is on injured reserve from teaching aerobics!

Shannon predictably storms away from the table. But what wasn’t predictable was Kelly Dodd emerging as the voice of reason here. I sort of like Kelly in the peacemaker role, especially after seeing her in the hellraiser mode she’s most accustomed to. She’s like Mrs. Former Dodd, delightful divorcee by day; and Dr. Nut Crusher, man-eating megalomaniac by night. She would be amazing at WWF wrestling. Gina Kirschenheiter, though, she has a future being a bouncer on Jerry Springer.

Anyway, it is Kelly who follows Shannon to the bathroom to console her. Back at the table, Tamra smirks that she definitely DOESN’T CARE about Shannon’s tantrums, and tries to ignite an argument between Emily and Shannon by telling Emily she was “defending” her against Shannon. Tamra seems almost overjoyed to have pissed Shannon off. Then everyone leaves except Vicki who is meeting Steve for a drink at the clubhouse, and since Tamra can’t drive with her broken foot, she scooters under the influence on over to size up Steve and tries to convince him to wife up Vicki.

Vicki GUnvalson's personal George Clooney

“I put George Clooney on my vision board and he appeared three months later,” exclaims Vicki of where Steve came from. This is proof that Vicki’s vision board is drunk. It turns out Tamra’s only pre-req for liking Steve is that he’s down to f–k. I mean the Bible says marriage is made in blowjobs and orgasms…. Last year Tamra thought Vicki couldn’t enter a church without melting; this year she’s walking her down the aisle to Every Rose Has Its Thorn. That just seems like it would be Vicki’s wedding song, right?

Back at home, Tamra decides the theme for Eddie’s 45th birthday party should be hearts. Because Tamra really aces that whole empathy thing – just ask Shannon!  All the guests have to wear red and Eddie gets a special clown costume covered in hearts. Shannon is pissed that Tamra found it on Prime Day first.

Because I hope Eddie is passive-aggressive as f–k he invited David, of the I dumped Shannon and broke her heart, Beadors to HIS party and is shocked when Tamra says he can’t come. “What are you twelve-years-old?” Eddie demands of Tamra, who’s wearing a toddler-sized striped t-shirt purchased from a Brady Bunch garage sale. Tamra’s shirt was a box of crayons on amphetamines. Or probably just the inside of Kelly’s brains.

Was Tamra really making Eddie, who had OPEN HEART SURGERY, move a sofa to accommodate her dream party atmosphere? Girl… are you really sure Shannon is the one who lacks self-awareness? Well at least unlike VICKI, who will double-date with her good friend’s ex, Tamra won’t even allow David into her home – even if Eddie begs.

Later Tamra has Gina over to discuss the problem of Shannon. Tamra wants more support from her so-called BFF and for Shannon to stop making every. single. thing. all about Shannon. The sun sets in Shannonville and rises on Shannon Nation. And TamraTown is tired of having rains on their parades. Gina, wisely, instructs Tamra to talk to Shannon and set some expectations. How is Gina the youngest housewife, but also the smartest? Also, Tamra’s grey nail polish looked like fungus.

Meanwhile, Shannon meets Kelly for boba tea and these ladies – they don’t like balls in their mouths! Kelly thought Shannon was inviting her to “Vulva tea” and decided maybe it was the new thing the female divorcees were trying to stave off the looniness and she was kinda game. But what’s she’s not game for are wrinkly tapioca balls.

Shannon cries about how Tamra hurt her feelings and when Kelly tries to point out that Tamra also has a lot going on – like Eddie’s broken ticker, like a kid who won’t speak to her, like a Jesus whose voicemail is always full… so Shannon turns that around to talk about how she has even more bad stuff going on. Like David! And a small house!

Since Vicki has to be smothering and micromanaging someone, and Briana had the common sense to move to a different state, Vicki’s helicopter mothering Gina. She comes over for dinner and immediately senses “RED FLAGS” about what’s going on with Mystery Man Meat Matt. I’m glad Vicki has gotten over her color blindness #Brooks.

Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Lil Bitches

Gina’s storyline is all too real. No my husband is not conducting a secret life in LA (I wish I lived Alias), but I do have two kids about her age and the struggle to parent, while maintaining sanity, is all-too honest.

After airing all their grievances with their entire friend group, Tamra and Shannon finally meet at some designer gardening shop where yuppies like to throw away money on $400 season cacti in eco-friendly recycled cement planters. Surprise, surprise – Shannon is now on a scooter! What happened is that Shannon sprained her ankle trying to exercise – see it’s a good thing she avoids CUT Fitness – and now has to keep it elevated. Tamra dubs it Single White Female Scootering.

Tamra Judge calls Jesus for help

Sitting on a bench, waiting for the shop attendant to drive to Las Vegas and steal baby cacti, Tamra confesses that she feels neglected by Shannon. She often finds herself wondering: “Why is it always about Shannon?!” Shannon blinks in shock, then immediately apologizes for not being more receptive to what is going on in Tamra’s life. Things are not good there. Not good. At. ALL. They’re so bad Eddie is turning to Tamra’s god! In a desperate plea to get his heart working Eddie tried to call God’s private iPhone number, but the person who picked up was Tamra. All the difficulties have even Tamra starting to question her faith. Where is God AND Shannon?!

Does Tamra think being Christian is like the Phone A Friend option on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Like you just say, “Hello are you there God – it’s me Tamra; fix Eddie’s heart cause it’s not fair that I have to deal with it, and trust I am a good person despite what you’re watching on Bravo?” Um, back to the devil with you!

Shannon Denies Being A Self-Centered Friend; Says She Asks About Eddie All The Time

Maybe Tamra needs to contact Alexis Bellino for guidance? WWJBD (What Would Jesus Barbie Do?)

The real excitement last night was Eddie’s vintage headshots. He looks like a young Lorenzo Lamas and has an 8 pack. Tamra had them blown up and displayed at the party to give Eddie an even larger dose of mortality.

Gina meets Shane

Gina’s plan is to meet Shane in an “appropriate, normal way” – which means grabbing him in a headlock and demanding, “Can I get a hug f–king Shane?!” I dunno… Gina is growing on me. That is literally the only way to meet Shane, the Toadstool of a man. I bet she rubbed his bald spot too and asked it to tell her the future?

That’s where the fun of the party ends. Shannon rolled in wearing “a hooker heel and a boot,” and Kelly sauntered in with a vendetta.

Steve made a comment to Page Six about how Kelly was upset that Vicki and Steve were double-dating with Michael. Although his comment was innocuous mansplaining, the context, alas, had Vicktim’s Vicksplaining all over it. Kelly decides this puts Steve into “Little Bitch” category and that Vicki is more of a man than Steve. Hilariously Kelly was standing next to Tamra, whose husband is best friends with David! Don’t worry – Tamra didn’t bring it to Kelly’s attention!

See this is the problem with Kelly – as Shannon tries to articulate – Kelly loses all the VALID points of her argument by making low-blows and insults. In a gender-neutral era where we respect sexualities, orientations, and ostensibly FEMINISM, we do not refer to someone as a bitch as an insult. But Real Housewives are not a representation of our times. Thankfully.

Vicki did not make things better though. When Kelly mentioned to Vicki that seeing Steve was making her uncomfortable, and tries to shield him behind a giant sexy Eddie headshot, Vicki dismisses her concerns by telling Kelly to ignore him. Now Vicki knows Kelly WAY better than that! A smart Vicki – a Vicki whose head was not up Steve’s woo hoo – would have tried to broker a peaceful conversation or suggested a way to break the ice, but dismissing Kelly only riled her up more. It allowed her Kelliness to fester.

Gina Kirschenheiter has marital problems

Then Vicki escaped into the kitchen to interrupt Gina’s heart-to-heart with Emily about how she’s contemplating divorce. Gina refers to herself as a “cliche,” who recognizes it’s harder to have her husband there than be on her own. “He’s gone … and I’m starting to realize that I’m OK,” she confesses. Vicki’s advice – get a leash and yank him back home, then tie him up to a tree in the yard. Vicki is always telling people not to get divorced. Donn, congrats, you’re the lucky one who got away. This is especially bullshit because Vicki doesn’t miss Donn, she just regrets that Brooks turned out to be so terrible.

Kelly and Shannon are both the most illogical people, but when they’re together it’s like two wrongs make a right. One of them always rises to the top as the sane person talking the other one down. Like scales. Kelly goes low, Shannon goes high with salient (re: sober) advice on how Kelly should explain to Steve that her feelings are hurt without calling him a douchebag dick or prick. But Kelly was swinging a jumbo shrimp around on her fork while ranting about how people are a “little bitch” so predictably her conversation with Steve went awful.

Steve Lodge dismisses Kelly

I think, in her way, Kelly tried to be reasonable and mature, but Steve shut her down. Leaving her at the table with Shane. Kelly hadn’t even noticed the pustule of a man was there until he opened his mouth to suggest she was drunk and causing drama. Shane, Shane, Shane – never poke a cougar!

Kelly Dodd confronts Shane

Kelly will have all of us know that she was NOT DRUNK – just an asshole – but that Shane is a “dork” a “dweeb” and a “loser” and every other 1985 insult Kelly can remember from high school. Shannon intervened, or thought she did, by sending Kelly to the bar for another drink but there Kelly found Emily and immediately started bitching about “that little bitch of a man over there” who happened to be Emily’s husband, whom NOT DRUNK KELLY had no memory of meeting 30 minutes earlier. I guess Shane just doesn’t make a big impression!

Within seconds Emily, the usually composed lawyer, loses it and shoves her finger right in Kelly’s face to defend her husband. Shane, hovered in the background complaining that Emily shouldn’t’ be friends with Kelly, then shuffled away leaving GINA to break up the fight.

Kelly & Emily in a fight

Emily was so riled up she threatened to kill Kelly. I should point out (PUN INTENDED) that Emily’s reaction is exactly what Kelly probably wanted! When she is itching for a fight, Kelly wants that itch scratched – she will scratch her butt in public to satisfy it.

The true all-star here was Gina. She just walked right up in between Kelly and Emily, like a referee on Glow, and broke them apart like a knife through room temp butter, then she demanded Shannon get her girl out of the way. Gina’s a tough New Yawker – the lone pink renegade in a sea of red.

TELL US – DID SHANE PROVOKE KELLY? WILL SHANNON START BEING A BETTER FRIEND TO TAMRA?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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