Saturday night, I witnessed Bradley Cooper shine in A Star Is Born, but last night I truly witnessed the best actor in a lead dramatic role when Ricky pretended he was something other than a world class scumbag. Ah, 90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days, what are we gonna do without ya? Season two has been a rare gift of carefully curated dysfunction, the likes of which we may never see again – until regular 90 Day Fiance (season 6) starts up in two weeks. YAY!
Before we get to Ricky’s hot mess, a hop across the pond is in order. Rachel, Jon, and Lucy are playing “happy family” at their cottage rental as Rachel silently seethes over girlfriends of Jon’s past. It seems she’s moved past her fears (for now) because it’s time to pick out wedding bands. And apparently, it’s also time to tell the unwitting jeweler, “We met on a karaoke app!” It’s also time for Jon to tell Rachel that he doesn’t want to wear a wedding ring! Umm, WHAT?
Rachel demands that Jon wear a ring because, after all, she won’t be trailing behind him while he vomits on sidewalks to and fro in the future, proving that she’s actually married to this schmuck. Even the jeweler’s all, “yeah, he’s just trying to get out of wearing a ring.” Thank you, John the Jeweler! As for Jon the Unblinking, methinks he’ll likely do whatever the eff he wants after Rachel flies home.
Back home, Rachel pouts about 1) Jon not wanting to wear a wedding ring, 2) Jon inviting ex-girlfriends to their rehearsal dinner, and 3) Jon refusing to comb his hair. But there’s more bad news! Jon tells Rachel he had to quit his job in order to get this week off for the wedding festivities. Rachel’s like, “WHAT?!?” Living paycheck to paycheck, neither of them can afford to lose their jobs, so WTF was he thinking?
Jon is unfazed, probably because he’s used to being in financial crisis. And here’s the biggest bombshell yet: Jon says he’s in debt to the tune of $30k, and his wages get garnished to pay the sum. OMG. He says he still makes money from renting rooms in his house, except yo – isn’t that his MOM’S house? None of this makes sense. Like, doesn’t make sense on the level of mesh shirts being worn on grown men’s bodies. It’s just allllll kindsa wrong.
It’s also wrong for Jon to force Rachel to sit across from his attractive ex-girlfriend at her own wedding celebration dinner. Already arguing, Rachel and Jon enter the restaurant in a snit. Baby Lucy, angel from heaven that she is, at least provides a buffer – a role that she’s sadly been cast in for the duration of this jacked up relationship (which will likely last 6 months to a year, post-wedding day). But Rachel is at least relieved to find out the cute girl across from her is actually Jon’s cousin – not the ex, who doesn’t show up after all. Thus, the dinner goes off without a hitch, and Rachel forgets all about the 400 red flags waving in her face. Suddenly, she thinks Jon’s a good bet again.
On their wedding day, Rachel looks beautiful and Lucy looks like the cutest child ever born, while Jon just continues to rock his homeless grunge vibe in a blue vest and pants. The only guests in attendance are TLC cameras plus Jon’s mum and sister. Jon’s slick move to “surprise Rachel with family members on the screen” is delivered by way of Sister & Mother Jon holding up her phone during the ceremony in the most depressing Skype situation of all time.
Nonetheless, they become man and wife after trading handwritten vows. Jon
begrudgingly wears his ring, telling Rachel that their love will conquer all, even with the miles between them. Personally, I feel punked. Because, you guys, WHERE IS THE KARAOKE DUET WE EXPECTED? I demand a redo. Hmmph.
Ugh with this leftover non-couple! Here’s the skinny: Daya ghosted Marta so she can’t get a visa to travel to Algeria. Mother Marta is visibly relieved to hear her daughter won’t be murdered in the next three months. Marta is annoyed that she’s been dumped via Skype, which is just about as pathetic as it gets – unless, of course, you’re Darcey. Then, this is basically the most dignified dumping one can hope for. THE END.
After living through Tarik’s beach rapping, Hazel has been working on her best “I. Am. Happy.” smile, telling cameras that she is glad to be an engaged woman. Brother Dean is NOT all smiles when he learns about the engagement, though, snarking that Hazel got the first “cha ching” out of Tarik by scoring that diamond ring. Because he doesn’t have any fight left in him, Dean just gives up and congratulates them both. Plus, he knows that Tarik, fool that he is, probably can’t even manage the paperwork to get a K1 visa together anyway. I mean, Tarik can barely manage his wardrobe choices, right?
As Tarik packs to leave, Hazel tells producers that she’ll be homeless the next day – but Tarik doesn’t know it. Through tears, Hazel finally admits to Tarik what her situation is: She has nowhere to live after he leaves, and she obviously can’t go back to her ex-boyfriend. Why is she telling Tarik this news at the last minute? Hmm. Is it so Tarik will rent her an apartment on his dime before he flies the coop? Why YES, it is – because he does just that. Oh snap – Brother Dean will just love this new development. CHA CHING!
As Tarik kisses Hazel goodbye at the airport, he promises to take care of her. She cries, then tells producers she loves Tarik and already misses him. “I will wait for you,” she cries, knowing that Tarik’s promises are all she has to live on now. Well, that and her new apartment/diamond ring/monthly allowance. And hey, at least she can stop wearing those hideous matching plaid getups for a while. In the meantime, there’s always 6-hour church services to make the days pass
like kidney stones.
After the devastating news of Karine’s miscarriage, Paul is worried about the surgery Karine faces (likely a D & C), but relieved to learn from the doctors that Karine will be able to have children in the future. After surgery – which went well – Paul takes Karine home where he has roses and gifts waiting for her. Karine admits she cries every day over losing the baby but is glad she has Paul to support her. And you guys, I can’t even make fun of the stuffed unicorns Karine hugs to her chest because – damn! Poor girl. She just needs comfort. 🙁
I can make fun of Paul still needing freaking Siri to speak words of comfort to his wife. He also has the worst timing ever when he chooses to drop the next bombshell: “We have no more money and I need to leave Brazil.” Already in despair, Karine says she can’t believe what she’s hearing. But part of her looks, dare I say, relieved as well? Maybe now she won’t be yelled at to FALLA!!! every blessed second of the live long day.
As Paul packs up a portion of the hoarders situation in their apartment, Karine cries. Even though she kinda hates Paul right now, she still feels abandoned. “I have to make money, baby,” says Paul as he kneels down, promising he’ll only be gone a few months before they’re together again. And just like that, he’s off – backpack, cooling vest, mosquito pullover, and hairballs all tucked into his creepy backpack. Karine twists her wedding band, wondering if she’ll ever see that duck waddle out her window ever again.
Last seen on Snapped, Darcey was hauling her 47 bags out of an Uber and screaming “Get out of my life!!!!” to her
undead boyfriend. In a cab minutes later, she bawls and contemplates the douchebaggery she was just witness to. Speaking of d-bags, hey, there he is! On the sidewalk, smoking a cigar, looking like the world’s biggest toolbag. But in true Jesse form, he plays the gallant gent, summoning Darcey back “out of love” to offer her his room.
“He’s not going to control this break up!” says Darcey, who literally has her cab take an immediate U-turn as soon as Jesse sends her one lousy text. Question: When will Darcey just lay her ass down in front of this hotel’s threshold and assume the position of a literal doormat? Because this chick is just sad. Or horny? (Dry heave! Please forget I said that…)
Up in the room, Darcey tries to “use her voice” by calling Jesse out for being an evil asshole who just brought her here to publicly humiliate her. ALL TRUE. “You’re a liar!” Darcey screams when Jesse pathetically tries to bring up his near-death experience of being stabbed in da eye by a Louboutin. “I ain’t mad at ya. Go mingle,” taunts Jesse as he walks out. “Go have some drinks again.” Darcey is left crying in the room about not being loved – then or now.
*Pause here to give a slow clap to the camera crew for surviving that almost Manson family scene in close quarters. Also, three snaps in a circle to the poor schmuck who had to keep a straight face while filming Jesse in another room across town as he makes his best Blue Ice face out the window and delivers a soliloquy about being a mature, stand up guy. B-A-R-F. (Also, is the person who filmed this safe? Has anyone checked on him/her? #BodyInTheBathtub)
As if we are in a nightmare from which we shall NEVER awaken, cameras keep rolling on Jesse and Darcey the next day. Darcey describes her heartbreak in as many synonyms as she can muster, but the more shocking twist is this: THEY HAD SEX THE NIGHT BEFORE! Oh. Em. Gee. Jesse says he went to her room and found her on the floor whining, “I’m dying! I’m dying!” so he comforted her
with his penis.
When producers ask Jesse if he slept with Darcey the night before, he flatly denies it. But, seriously, we all know serial killers can pass a polygraph. And we definitely know these two have “hate sex” written all over them. At least Darcey cops to it before she drags her
emotional baggage back to the train station, leaving every ounce of dignity she ever had behind.
Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, both a little scared, neither one prepared – Ximena and the beasssssst…
Here we go with this mess. Ximena and Ricky celebrate their status as newly engaged couple by taking a boat back to the city, and straight into the hellfire of Ricky’s dumpster fire of lies. At the hotel, Ricky’s ex texts Ximena, telling her that Ricky said his relationship with Ximena was “not that serious.” Ricky, slick as he is sweaty, claims he told his ex this because if she knew he was engaged, she would cut off contact with his daughter.
To her credit, Ximena doesn’t believe a word of it. Sadly, she’s still desperate enough to marry this “rich American” that she’ll give him a chance to prove his love to her once he gets back to the U.S. Oh girl, this big toe ain’t offering up ANY fairytales here, even though it probably does seem like you’re starring in Shrek the Fifth right now. Abort mission! ABORT MISSION!
Alas, Ximena is holding out hope for now. As she heads back to her hometown in the countryside, Ricky tries his best to lie his ass off speak words of comfort. He promises to start the visa process when he gets home, but Ximena knows better. She’s like, “Um, don’t you need to get DIVORCED first?”
After kissing her frog goodbye, Ximena leaves in tears, probably knowing she’ll never see this 5-foot-5 dude again. Gone are the days of being wooed with rose petals and fanny packs. Gone are the days of watching Ricky get hoisted out of the lake by four cameramen. “I am your fiance,” Ximena reminds Ricky as she walks away…something he’ll be conveniently forgetting in, oh, about 24 hours. In summary: RICKY IS THE WORST. Ximena, girl, go get you a good man! And make sure there isn’t a Mrs. Toe involved.
In Nigeria, Angela packs to head home, offering Michael some sunglasses and a “quickie” before she goes. Michael accepts the sunglasses. Has this man not put in enough work already?!? Despite the garbage heap of their relationship, both are hopeful about the future. “It’s been a wonderful trip, MYKALL!” growls Angela on the way to the airport, reminiscing on the hell they’ve been through literally every day.
As they kiss goodbye at the gate, Michael wipes a tear away, envisioning the day he’ll land in Georgia and
hang out in smoking tents 7 nights a week meet his hero, Donald Trump. Channeling her mentor, Danielle Mullins, Angela gives Michael one final directive: “Stay off SHOSHAL media.” He tells her to stop smoking. “Kiss my ass!” yells Michael’s blushing bride to be as she stomps away in torn leggings. #TrueRomance
But their happy parting doesn’t last long because once Angela lands in Georgia, she finds out her bank account has been emptied! Rejected ATM card in hand, she calls Michael, who doesn’t answer – but who is being interviewed by a producer at that very moment, who hands him his phone. Angela stupidly gave Michael her bank card number, and the account is showing three withdrawals of $300 each just after she left.
Michael’s all, “Baby, no no no! Huh?!?” But when Angela asks him directly if he took the money, Michael won’t give her a straight answer. He just keeps asking, “Why are you asking me this? Why would I take money?” He tells producers that there’s a “misconception” here. But Angela isn’t buying it. Sigh. She wanted to go to the amusement park of Nigerian Scams, she rode the rides
all night long if you know what I’m sayin, and now she’s got to pay the ticket charge.
“Go straight to hell!” shouts Angela before hanging up on Michael for good. Oh boy. She’s fixin’ to go get her a white binder of proof and bust out a new tank top for next week’s Tell All reunion. And I can hardly wait!
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
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Photo Credit: TLC