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90 Day Fiance Recap: Not What I Thought

If we thought the youngest people on this season’s trainwreck of 90 Day Fiance were actually the most mature of the whole bunch, well, we would be dead right. Because despite early signs of stress at becoming new parents, Steven and Olga are definitely winning in the off-camera social media department. In fact, they seem to be the only cast members who got the memo that being reality TV personalities does not make you a “star” who’s entitled to argue with every Tom, Dick, and Hairball on Instagram.

But I digress! Let’s talk about the show. Last night, we find Olga being prepped for her C-section, which – THANK THE LORD – will be performed by an actual doctor. Steven is allowed in the room while the C-section is performed and, shockingly, cameras are apparently allowed to film every surgical detail of poor Olga being sliced open. Seriously – was that not the most invasive scene ever? Yikes.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Not What I Thought

Baby Richie (named after Steven’s late father) is finally born, healthy and screaming. YAY! Steven breaks down in tears, immediately filled with love for the little man that’s come into their lives. Olga is thrilled too, but naturally exhausted, and needs to sleep rather than talk to Steven anymore. His frustration with her is unfounded and likely a result of his immaturity. He finally quiets down and eventually goes home while Olga is left to recover.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Not What I Thought

Days later, Steven is even more amped up about getting Olga and Richie home. He only has a short time in Russia and is stressed out about missing so much time with them during their hospital stay. He was only allowed a 1-hour visit with Olga & Richie each day post-delivery. As he tries to rush Olga out of the hospital, she reminds him to be patient with her. She’s recovering from surgery, homeboy! When she chastises him for touching Richie’s face while he’s sleeping, Steven really freaks out.

RELATED: Colt Plans To Give Larissa A Ring & Steven Becomes A Father On Tonight’s 90 Day Fiance

90 Day Fiance Recap: Not What I Thought

“Don’t tell me when I can and can’t touch my son!” Steven barks. Uh oh. These two are obviously unprepared for the parenting stresses that await them, but their arguments over the baby (as any new parent can attest to) are totally normal. The real problem is that they don’t have a solid relationship themselves to support this rickety new structure. Time will tell if that changes though. Damn! I’m still rooting for them.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Not What I Thought

Kalani & Asuelu

In similar fashion, Kalani and Asuelu are figuring out the new parent thing without having much in common besides their de-virginizing tryst on that fateful vacation. Kalani’s fears about Asuelu understanding basic safety issues is realized when they embark on their long road trip from CA to Utah – a trip that involves equal levels of child endangerment and Cheetos.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Not What I Thought

When baby Oliver begins crying in his carseat, Asuelu (beside him in the backseat), takes him out of his harness and tries to comfort him. Kalani goes apesh*t, simultaneously waving a Cheeto around and screaming at Asuelu, “WHAT THE F*CK! YOU CAN’T DO THAT! I’M GOING 80 MILES PER HOUR!” She finally pulls over, demanding the baby be handed to her. She’s a ball of panic and rage, barely able to communicate with Asuelu, who’s shut down completely. Also of note: Kalani refused to let go of her Cheeto even at the height of her panic. That’s commitment. 

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Asuelu’s immaturity surfaces as they get back on the road and we see him literally sticking his fingers in his ears when Kalani calmly tries to tell him what the laws are, and why ripping a baby out of a carseat is NO BUENO here. Fine – Asuelu doesn’t understand the rules yet. But, hey, he does need to learn them. Kalani’s communication style could use some work though, and she should understand that importing a fiance from a third world situation comes with some…uh…teachable moments

90 Day Fiance Recap: Not What I Thought

At least things are in a better place when they get to Kalani’s family home in Utah, where her brother, Nick, greets them warmly and puts everyone at ease. Suddenly, plot twist! Nick has obviously gotten the memo that the entire family hates Asuelu, so he hands him a condom as a welcome gift. “I never use one before,” says a confused Asuelu. “Yeah, we can tell,” says Nick. “Let’s make sure we can take care of this one before we make another one.”

90 Day Fiance Recap: Not What I Thought90 Day Fiance Recap: Not What I Thought

Asuelu thinks it’s rude to be given a condom because in Samoa “only slut people use the condom.” I HAVE NO WORDS except that Asuelu wants a basketball team of kids anyway, so he’s not about that birth control life. Kalani’s not so sure, especially after #CarseatGate.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Not What I Thought

Eric & Leida

Leida has not recovered from seeing the absolute trashbox she’s destined to live in with Eric. She has decided to follow Eric’s lead and blame the entire situation on his middle daughter (and roommate), Tasha. But when Eric’s away, Leida decides to take matters further by marching her family over to the apartment to witness the scene for themselves. Much like the rest of us, they are horrified.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Not What I Thought

Leida’s sister, Reina, is particularly disgusted, mostly on Alessandro’s behalf, asking the question everyone is thinking: Where will that poor child sleep?!? On the dreaded air couch!?! Leida is only concerned about herself, and of course, getting Tasha out of her life. She hasn’t even met Tasha yet, but she’s got her future stepdaughter in her crosshairs.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Not What I Thought

Later on, Family Leida and Eric have a sit down. They want to know what Eric’s plan is to provide a decent life for Leida – you know, one that doesn’t involve dried spaghetti hanging from the ceiling and couches that self-deflate? Eric huffs and puffs, just trying to shut them up with claims that he’ll “take care of it.” Father Leida is so desperate for his daughter to live elsewhere, he finally straight up offers to subsidize the rent on another place. But Eric refuses the offer.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Not What I Thought

Leida is still in a rage at Tasha, who she sees as the main problem here. Eric also says he’ll “take care of her” which sounds vaguely like a mafia threat, and not at all convincing. Reina is stupefied by her sister’s lack of common sense and desperation to live in America at any cost. As one shrewd Tweeter posted last week, “Can someone tell Leida that there are easier ways of becoming a doctor here than sleeping with this guy?”

90 Day Fiance Recap: Not What I Thought

Ashley & Jay

Poor Jay. First, he had to live in that townhouse with all of the word art. Now he gets dragged to an Amish farmers market to experience local “culture.” In an attempt to get Jay out and about, Ashley thinks it’s a wise plan to show Jay around the local indoor market, a place filled with pretzel items, homemade jam, and people who think zippers are “of the devil.” (JK! Love the Amish! Just a joke! Don’t come for me, Mennonites!) At least Jay is thrilled with the fresh pickles, which are considered high class eats back home.  

Jay obviously feels out of place, noting how everyone stares at him – which, to be fair, could also be the result of a camera crew following their every move. Ashley knows Jay will have a tough time adapting to life in Mechanicsburg, a place situated on the West Shore of the greater Harrisburg area, known to locals as “the white shore.” UGH. She doesn’t know how to make it better for him, but wants Jay to know that she’s got his back no matter what.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Not What I Thought

At least Jay gets a respite from the mean streets of corn husk wreaths when he takes a trip over to a barbershop in downtown Harrisburg. The guys inside welcome him like family and immediately start ribbing him about getting married too soon. When they find out their fine Jamaican friend is only 20 years old and already putting a ring on it, they’re like OH HELL NO!

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But Jay explains that he has to marry Ashley in order to stay in the U.S. In fact, he admits that marriage wouldn’t even be a consideration if he could get to the U.S. without it. Now, I personally don’t think Jay is using Ashley for a green card. I think he’s just saying they’d date and/or live together before deciding on marriage if the law allowed it. But those clever TLC producers sure edited the scene to make Jay look guilty as hell in previews!

90 Day Fiance Recap: Not What I Thought

At least Jay found a port in the storm at this barbershop. And a special shout out must be given to the dude above, who stepped in to play the role of “concerned 90 Day Fiance friend” with enormous conviction, even though he legit met Jay only 5 minutes prior to filming. Slow clap to that.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Not What I Thought

Jonathan & Fernanda

OMG. I haven’t been this grossed out by a workout since the dreaded time I had to hop on a treadmill after someone with an open hand wound vacated it at the YMCA. Jonathan talking about the “sexual tension” he gets off on at the gym while watching Fernanda squat, sweat, and grunt took me right back to that special dry-heave moment in my 20s though. BLECH.

On the heels of their fight at the club, Jonathan explains to Fernanda that he wasn’t trying to dance with anyone else, and that the entire situation was just a big misunderstanding. Fernanda is not feeling entirely secure in their relationship since being greeted on night one in the U.S. with a crusty thong, though, and tells Jonathan straight up that she’s not going to marry him if he doesn’t commit to her 100%. He promises he will, and apparently takes her to the gym to prove it? Okay.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Not What I Thought

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After much heavy breathing on the bench press, Fernanda tells Jonathan she’s nervous about meeting his family in Chicago soon. Instead of comforting her, Jonathan doubles down on the douchery by warning Fernanda that his mom will be hard to win over – especially because he totally set everyone up for failure by NOT TELLING HER ABOUT THEIR ENGAGEMENT. Mother Jonathan had to see the news on social media, which is an epic fail on Jonathan’s part.

Fernanda is livid. Jonathan threw her under the family bus before she could get on it! Jonathan doesn’t really admit his gigantic error. He just hopes it will all be okay in the end. Um, Fernanda, girrrrrrrrl – all I have to say is give Pedro a call and see how it all worked out with Family Chantel. Also, prepare to donkey-kick a table full of Costco food if necessary. And don’t wear a weave. #MoreStupider #NeverForget

90 Day Fiance Recap: Not What I Thought

Colt & Larissa

Since she was summarily rebuffed on her dreams of owning a couch, Larissa has wised up to the ways of Mr. & Mrs Colt-ee (I’m speaking here about Colt and MOTHER, of course). She went car shopping with Colt, sans Debbie. At the used car lot, Larissa lays out her list of demands: A sexy car with AC.

But Colt has no time for luxuries like conditioned air and windows that roll down via the magic of 1990s electronics!!! No siree. He prefers to drive around in his current sh*tbox, rejecting both the $20k SUV and cheapo red hatchback (what was that thing? I didn’t even register the make and model) outright. Apparently, he won’t even entertain the idea of buying a car ever in this lifetime until after their wedding.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Not What I Thought

Colt hopes his surprise plan of presenting Larissa with an official engagement ring will erase all memory of having no AC on the reg. But when he takes her to The Stratosphere Tower to propose, Larissa is all, WHAT THE HELL?!? THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE!!! She’s deathly afraid of heights, a fact which she’s told Colt in the past. Therefore, when Colt forces her to take the elevator to the tiipety-top floor and sit next to a plate glass window a zillion feet above the city, Larissa only feels two things: pissed and pukey.

RELATED: 90 Day Fiance: Larissa Reveals That She Is A Mother Of Two; Details Why She Isn’t Raising Her Children Herself

90 Day Fiance Recap: Not What I Thought

Literally swallowing down vomitous bile, Larissa turns several shades of green as Colt-ee encourages her to “look at the beautiful view.” You can almost see his five dollar car from here! Finally, Colt suggests they take a stroll to calm Larissa down, then he sort of lurches to one knee and hands her a diamond ring WITH A TAG HANGING FROM IT. At least this perks Larissa up a bit. At the very least, she can pawn that sh*t and buy a Kia.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Not What I Thought

When they arrive home, Colt and Larissa wake Mother Debbie from a sound sleep to show her the ring. To her credit, Debbie smiles and congratulates them through gritted teeth. Thus, Colt and Larissa have made it official! But the only thing I can focus on is that scary ass clown situated behind Colt’s head as he leans in to greet MOTHER. What the actual FRACK is that and why must this show haunt my nightmares in fresh, hellish ways each week!!?!? <sob>

Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.

TELL US- WAS COLT’S PROPOSAL AN EPIC FAIL? WILL JONATHAN’S MOTHER BE A NIGHTMARE? IS LEIDA MAKING THE WORST DECISION OF HER LIFE? DO STEVEN & OLGA HAVE A SHOT?

[Photo Credit: TLC]

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