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90 Day Fiance Recap: Flirting With Disaster

Steven, you had ONE job to do. You were supposed to be the sweet, earnest guy that we cheered for. I was rooting for you! We were ALL rooting for you! I have never in my life seen a man talk to the mother of his child this way! (Okay, Tyra Banks rant ended.) But seriously, I was willing to give Steven a pass on his outburst last week. It seemed to stem from his lack of sleep and frustration about navigating a foreign hospital system. But his continued despicable behavior on this week’s 90 Day Fiance episode has done nothing to redeem him. Poor Olga! Poor baby Richie!

After the hospital discharges Olga, Steven continues to rail against her for telling him to wash his hands, quiet down, and not touch a sleeping baby. Steven’s all, “NO ONE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO!!!” Could this by why this kid has been kicked out of his mom’s house for a few years? Olga, who is still recovering from C-section surgery, is too exhausted to fight with Steven. She, along with the rest of humanity, just need him to STFU. Mmmkaythaaaaaaaanks.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Flirting With Disaster

Steven berates Olga the entire way home, claiming that his family raised him with too much fighting and arguing all the time, so he doesn’t want that for his son. Um…THEN WHY ARE YOU STARTING ALL OF THE ARGUMENTS, STEVEN?!? He also stupidly thinks a hungry baby can wait to eat and that he should be Olga’s priority. Olga is shocked by Steven’s repeated outbursts, ultimately breaking down in tears.  

90 Day Fiance Recap: Flirting With Disaster

At home, Steven tries to calm down, but his constant prattling on and free-floating anxiety stresses Olga out. She just wants them to speak to one another with respect and learn how to take care of their baby one step at a time. Steven agrees, but can’t seem to quell the fire-hydrant-level verbal diarrhea that’s shooting out of his mouth every damn second. Olga hopes against hope that they’ll be able to make a “happy, peaceful family” out of this situation. However, it’s not looking good.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Flirting With Disaster

Colt & Larissa

Okay, two things were made crystal clear last night: 1) Larissa definitely has some serious crazy in her, and 2) Colt is the stingiest cheapskate known to man. Yeah, we know he’s not made of plane tickets and rocket cars, but dude – can’t he at least buy a used car with AC and cough up a few hundred bucks for a 10-person wedding reception? Apparently, no. His funds are all tied up in new custom frocks for Cookie Dough, it seems.

To make Larissa feel more at home, Colt and MOTHER take her to a Brazilian steakhouse. Larissa is delighted to eat some of the delicacies that were too expensive for her back home. After trading brief niceties in Portuguese with the Brazilian waiter, Larissa wonders aloud if this restaurant might be a good venue to host their wedding reception.

Let’s hear from the owners of the shared bank account! It’s a no from them, dog. Colt and MOTHER think this place is much too expensive, costing at least $50 a head. Except, newsflash – there are only 10 people attending the damn wedding. Err, excuse me. There are 10 GWESTES. So what’s the problem? Larissa knows what the problem is (besides the fact that Colt dresses his cats and shares a bra size with her): Colt is a cheap ass mo-fo. Also, he’s only “97 percent sure” he wants to marry Larissa, therefore doesn’t want to do any real wedding planning yet.

RELATED: Colt Johnson & Larissa Dos Santos Lima Skip 90 Day Fiance Reunion Taping

90 Day Fiance Recap: Flirting With Disaster

When Larissa hears this, she’s all, “Well I am only THIRTY PERCENT SURE I want to marry you now!” She flew all the way to Vegas to live with Colt and MOTHER, and for that she gets nada. Not a biggie, blackie, cheapie car. Not even a strip mall steakhouse for their 10 gwestes. And I have a sneaking suspicion that she’s only attracted to Colt .001 percent, which beats Azan’s attraction to Nicole by 54.99.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Flirting With Disaster

After their rift, Colt tries to woo Larissa back by taking her to another potential reception venue at another, obviously cheaper, restaurant. When Colt compliments their host (some random waitress who’s just trying to smile for her 5 minute TV debut) on her glasses, Larissa goes nuts. I don’t mean she rolls her eyes and tells Colt to knock it off nuts. I mean NUTS like Hide yo kids, hide yo wife…something psycho this way comes NUTS.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Flirting With Disaster

Colt hopes cake will fix it, so he agrees to try some. But when the waitress leaves Colt and Larissa at a table alone, Larissa lays into him: “FIRST, don’t compliment other women! FIRST, compliment me on MY look!” Colt smiles his creepy smile and compliments her. I can’t tell whether he’s truly frightened from this outburst or secretly loving Larissa’s jealousy. My gut says that Colt loves two women fighting over him, even when one of those women is his mom, so him loving this outrage tracks. It is also creepin me the hell out.

Larissa accuses Colt of being a shameless flirt, which he denies. Then she mean-mugs the poor waitress a bunch before demanding that Colt serve her a bite of cake. Alas, she hates the cake. And Colt.    

90 Day Fiance Recap: Flirting With Disaster

Ashley & Jay

As if the ghost of Molly & Luis past has come to haunt us this holiday season, we must bear witness to their storyline playing out through Ashley and Jay. Jay has grown bored of life within the word-art walls of Ashley’s townhouse. He spends his time playing video games and texting friends and family back in Jamaica. Ashley suspects Jay is texting inappropriate sh*t to girls back home. Jay claims they’re just “clients.” He can’t do any tattoos for them here anyway though, so why the major meltdown, Ash?

Jay’s also been walking to the store on his own, which Ashley isn’t cool with. At dinner (which Jay cooks for her, so two points for him), Ashley informs Jay that he needs to tell her anytime he leaves the house for any reason. Warden’s orders. Jay just sips on his Capri Sun and calls Ashley crazy, which is basically like poking a very angry, blonde bear.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Flirting With Disaster

As if he’s the older, wiser person in the relationship, Jay tells us that he knows Ashley’s past experience of being cheated on plus his playboy ways are creating a dysfunctional dynamic of suspicion and jealousy. But Ashley just thinks she’s going to solve the problem by trapping Jay at home. To that, I must once again refer Ashley back to their doomed predecessors, Molly and Luis. Spoiler alert: It ends badly – like, we’re talking salsa dancing in Space Jam t-shirts, locked doors wrenched open, “I’m calling the police!” threats, and devil owls. #NotTodaySatan

90 Day Fiance Recap: Flirting With Disaster

Jonathan & Fernanda

In the hierarchy of trash piles on 90 Day Fiance, these two have the smallest stank heap, so we’re going to gloss over much of their dry footage. Sure, Fernanda is a bit jealous and immature. Sure, Jonathan has a douchey smile. But they are in love and are waaaaaaay more evenly matched then, say, the Angelas and Michaels of the world. In 90 Day terms, they’re basically an anomaly – both attractive, both well versed in each other’s language (looking at you, Paul and Karine!), and both committed to being Instagram whores famous. #Goals

90 Day Fiance Recap: Flirting With Disaster

The major hiccup in this week’s storyline centers on Jonathan’s mom, who’s not on board with her son marrying a 19-year old girl. Fernanda is younger than Jonathan’s youngest sister (who treats Fernanda pretty fairly in their meeting). In fact, Mother Jon advises them to wait and just keep their long distance thing going. She also thinks Jonathan is going through an early mid-life crisis or some sh*t, and she might not be wrong.

When Fernanda invites her to look at wedding dresses later in the week, she can’t even answer. She still needs time to process. Fernanda takes it hard, so Jonathan comforts her afterward, swearing that his mom will come around. But it looks like things only get worse next week when Fernanda takes Mother and Sister Jon along to look at wedding gowns with her. Yikes.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Flirting With Disaster

Kalani & Asuelu

At a local park, Kalani and her brother, Nick, decide it’s time to take Encino Man out for some more human conditioning. Yes, today’s lesson will involve Asuelu learning to ride a bike. With full elbow pads, knee pads, and helmet strapped on, adult man #1 is guided by two other adult persons down a public sidewalk. AND IT IS GLORIOUS. Even though he takes a tumble, Asuelu gets back up and tries again, eventually getting the hang of it. “Ow! It hurts my boohole!” he screams while picking the perma-wedgie out of his arse.

FOR REALS…If there is anything more entertaining than watching Asuelu learn to ride a bike, I’d like to hear about it right now. Because I could watch that sh*t on a loop ALL. DAY. LONG. Pass me the Cheetos.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Flirting With Disaster

As Asuelu practices his new big boy biking, Kalani admits to Nick that she’s not ready for marriage – especially to a man she doesn’t trust as a co-parent. Since she doesn’t trust Asuelu with baby Oliver yet, she asks Nick to go out with Asuelu alone with Oliver and to “watch” him.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Flirting With Disaster

Nick obeys, taking Asuelu and Oliver to a baby store for some new duds. When Asuelu puts Oliver on his shoulders and holds him with only one hand, Nick bristles. “That’s not safe,” he chides. Asuelu sees this behavior as A-okay though and resents Nick overstepping his bounds.

RELATED: 90 Day Fiance Recap: I Know What You Did

When they get home later, Asuelu tells Kalani that Nick was all up in his fathering bizzzzness. Kalani admits she basically assigned Nick as Asuelu’s handler for the day, and he was supposed to call him out for any dangerous moves. Defeated, Asuelu complains that he can’t do anything right around this family. In fact, why does Kalani even want him in the U.S. if her family hates him and she, herself, doesn’t even trust him? He is not just some “slut person”!!! #StopCrankyToMe

90 Day Fiance Recap: Flirting With Disaster

Eric & Leida

Eric is the worst. Leida is the worst. They deserve each other in every single way. THE END.

Okay, here are the gory details. After Leida’s family leaves (from NYC, where they are DRIVEN round trip again! WTF!?!?) Leida is forced to learn vacuuming and dusting skills in order to live in Eric’s disgusting filth pad. Thus, by the time Eric’s daughter, Tasha, arrives home, Leida is fit to be tied.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Flirting With Disaster

Barely acknowledging her existence, Leida just grunts as Tasha says hello and attempts to make small talk. Finally, Leida asks whether Tasha left the apartment in shambles on purpose. Tasha says no, not particularly. But Leida doesn’t believe her. Eric – who, incidentally, looks like he just dipped his head in a bucket of Crisco – is #TeamLeida all the way, even though he complains about “being caught in the middle.”

90 Day Fiance Recap: Flirting With Disaster

“I want you to move out,” Leida demands, “like right now.” Tasha’s all, That ain’t happening, crazy lady. Leida thinks Tasha needs to find a place of her own because they need her room for Allessandro, but Tasha doesn’t have a place lined up yet. Eric claims to be looking at houses for them to move into as well. We all know that will happen on the tenth of NEVER.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Flirting With Disaster

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Eric offers to rent Tasha “one of those budget motel rooms” for a few nights or weeks while she looks for another apartment. And he says Tasha should have some money saved up because he hasn’t asked her for rent yet this month. Tasha finally ends the conversation by just getting up and going to her room while Leida is left to stew in her own juices. As the tape in her head loops continually on “IT IS NOT PROPER!” she tells Eric that she’s not happy about this situation. And according to next week’s previews, she’s still not happy about that pesky child support law we have here in the U.S.A. either.

It must be stated plainly: Leida is accusing Tasha of being too dependent on her father, yet Leida’s ENTIRE FAMILY just escorted her to a different country, offered to pay her rent, and left her in the hands of another man as his problem now. She moved straight from daddy’s house to Eric’s pit. She is now sleeping on a single bed in a dump in Baraboo in order to make her “American Dream” happen. Is that the kind independent woman she wants Tasha – who is over a decade her junior – to be? Yeah. We see you, Leida.

Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on AcastStitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.

TELL US: TEAM TASHA OR TEAM LEIDA? WILL KALANI EVER TRUST ASUELU? IS STEVEN STRESSED OR TOXIC? IS COLT A CHEAPSKATE OR DOES HE REALLY HAVE COLD FEET?

[Photo Credit: TLC]

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