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90 Day Fiance Recap: No Way Out

Is 90 Day Fiance trying to shock us? Because we have been dragged through such torture this season, we are now officially un-shockable! It truly feels like the behind the scenes antics, tantrum-like protestations, and spoiler revelations of cast members combined with a pretty dark season of terrible on-screen behavior have combined to create a general sense of angst among viewers.

Where are the Angelas and Michaels from 90 Day Fiance of yesteryear to talk about doing “the BJ for real?” We need them! Yo, TLC: BRING. BACK. THE. COMEDY. At least we got to see Leida Margaretha dragged by Eric Rosenbrook’s ex-wife, Tania, who’s finally had enough of Leida’s horrific behavior toward her daughters. Although Tania could have gone WAY harder on Leida, we’ll take what we can get. And this week also brought us a tiny little scooter used as a getaway vehicle after a verbal altercation, so there’s hope yet. 

90 Day Fiance Recap: No Way Out

Ashley Martson & Jay Smith

Let’s start with the easy ones. Before they can leave for Vegas, Ashley Martson and Jay Smith are accosted at their home by a red-faced Natalie. She tries to win Ashley’s friendship back by screaming at her. Short version: It doesn’t work. Thus, Natalie hops on her little scooter and skedaddles!

RELATED: 90 Day Fiance Recap: Ready To Run

90 Day Fiance Recap: No Way Out

Once the happy couple gets to Vegas, they relax by the pool (the likes of which Larissa Dos Santos Lima will never see). Meanwhile, Jay bemoans the fact that he’ll have to head back to Mechanicsburg after this. He does a lot of joking around about “being locked down” so young, but says he’s ready to get married anyway.

90 Day Fiance Recap: No Way Out

But Ashley side eyes Jay’s statements about needing sex so much. I mean, she’s already getting the D thrice daily! JAYZUS. Jay claims he needs to “keep his blood flowing,” so the sex better not cool down once they tie the knot. Ashley says she’d like to to see him try to cheat. She plans to cut that D right off if he tries it.

90 Day Fiance Recap: No Way Out

Jonathan Rivera & Fernanda Flores

Maybe it’s because she’s lonely, maybe it’s because she’s only 19 years old. Or maybe it’s because she’s living in freaking suburban small town North Carolina. Whatever the reason, Fernanda Flores finally loses her sh*t. When Jonathan Rivera goes out after work for a quick drink with a friend, she blows up his phone so hard, he can’t even finish a beer.

Once home, she loses it. Even the next day, she’s fit to be tied over Jonathan “abandoning” her at home while he socializes. Jonathan defends himself, reminding her that he’s only gone out twice alone in 90 days. It’s always been a quick drink with friends. He’s not staying out at strip clubs until 3am – so what’s the prob?

90 Day Fiance Recap: No Way Out

The prob, it seems, is Fernanda feeling like a prisoner in this ranch house in the middle of nowhere. She can’t work, she can’t drive, and she misses her friends and family deeply. Actually, she misses everything about her home in Mexico.  After calling her dad in tears, she says she’s just not cut out for this life in the U.S. as Jonathan’s Real Housewife of Lumberton. She tells Jonathan she just wants to go back home and forget this whole marriage thing. Damn, she seems pretty serious about it.

RELATED: 90 Day Fiance Cast Member Fernanda Flores Defends Jonathan Rivera’s Mother; Says Ceci Has Accepted Her

90 Day Fiance Recap: No Way Out

Kalani Faagata & Asuelu Pulaa

You know, we may have thought Asuelu Pulaa was the clueless half of this relationship. However, this week’s 90 Day Fiance episode solidified the fact that Kalani Faagata is basically working with two freaking marbles rolling around upstairs.

Ladies and gentlemen: Welcome to a very special edition of How Babies Are Made, starring two grown ass adults who ALREADY MADE A BABY ONCE BEFORE. I can’t even deal.

90 Day Fiance Recap: No Way Out

Are we supposed to feel bad for Kalani when she announces she’s “accidentally” pregnant again? Are we supposed to believe she’s some sort of responsible person for allowing Asuelu to not use condoms because they’re “only for slut people?” This entire storyline does not compute.

Anyway, it is what it is. Kalani is pregnant with baby #2. Asuelu is overjoyed. She is not. Her mother, who is the only person Kalani tells, is beyond frustrated. Why can’t this woman figure out how to prevent pregnancy if she doesn’t WANT TO BE PREGNANT?!?!?

90 Day Fiance Recap: No Way Out

Kalani finally reconciles the fact that she’s having another baby with Asuelu. She still wants to marry him despite her many doubts. Asuelu promises to provide for his growing family, which he hopes one day to include a Duggar-like number of offspring. And a house with walls.

Bottom line: These two baby-dults have no jobs, no plans, stunted communication with one another, and a terrible relationship with the family they count on for financial support. So. Tune in for next week’s clusterf**k when Kalani tells sister-daddy Kolini and her own father about the blessed news. It’s gonna get even more stupider.

90 Day Fiance Recap: No Way Out

Colt Johnson & Larissa Dos Santos Lima

Here’s the conundrum many of us have with Larissa Dos Santos Lima and Coltee Johnson: They are both a hot mess. Colt is a controlling, smug, tightwad, mama’s boy who wants a stereotypically “hot” woman to bend to his will because he holds the power. And Larissa is an insecure hot-head who’s probably just using Colt for a Green Card. But who’s really worse? My vote is Coltee, even though Larissa shows us a new level of cray-cray this episode.

90 Day Fiance Recap: No Way Out

After Cousin John read Larissa for filth at the barbecue, Colt and his future bride haven’t been speaking. In fact, Coltee – who is sitting on the couch and wearing flip flops that I can’t take my traumatized eyes off of – is searching for one-way tickets to Brazil.

When Larissa comes downstairs to apologize for throwing the ring at him, he rebuffs her. “You can’t act like that!” he demands, taking NO accountability for not defending his fiance when John went nuts. Since Larissa knows she’s not in the power position, she cowers, then promises Colt she’ll do better.

But when they go out for a double date with Colt’s very Colt-like friends later, all of the pent up rage Larissa has stuffed down comes bursting out. And the 400-degree sweatbox of Colt’s nasty vehicle doesn’t help matters. Larissa starts in on Colt as they make their hellish commute to the restaurant. He doesn’t compliment her! He never notices how much time she puts into her look! WHY IS HE A ROBOT?!?

RELATED: 90 Day Fiance Star Larissa Dos Santos Lima Blames Colt Johnson’s Mom For Ruining Marriage; Colt Shares Photo Of Broken Glasses

90 Day Fiance Recap: No Way Out

Larissa asks Colt’s friends if this is how all American men are? They’re like…um, in our particular Dungeons & Dragons corner of the world, YES. But Larissa won’t drop it, losing her sh*t outside of the restaurant for what seems like an eternity while Colt’s random friends – one of whom is carrying a Hello Kitty (?) rainbow purse – look on silently. Then Larissa decides to go FULL TILT PSYCHO, accusing Colt of just using her for sex all of the time and never appreciating her sacrifice! We can’t unhear the details of this, try as we might. #HoldMe

OMG. If thought bubbles were to appear over their heads, they might read: Send help or a Harry Potter Cloak of Invisibility, STAT.

90 Day Fiance Recap: No Way Out

Coltee finally offers very smug apologies that his “compliments aren’t acceptable to Larissa.” Then he ushers the visibly shell-shocked group inside. But wait – BWAHAHAHA! That cutie-pie glasses-wearing waitress that Coltee “flirted” with weeks ago is waiting on them again. In fear of actual bodily harm, Colt pretends like he is blind/deaf/dead when the waitress comes over to greet them. The queen is pleased! Today, no one shall die! But when Larissa asks Colt’s friends if they think she’s truly crazy, the dude puts his own life on the line by basically saying, “Kinda.”

Damn. Where’s Azan when we need him to tell Larissa she’s “crazy a little bit” and that Colt is only “55%” attractive? (And that’s rounding up…by at least fifty percent.)

90 Day Fiance Recap: No Way Out

Eric Rosenbrook’s & Leida Margaretha

Is there anything really left to say about how despicable, disgusting, horrific, and vile Leida’s behavior is on this season of 90 Day Fiance? And Eric’s too? Well, let’s give it the old college try. Because when it comes to these two a$$holes, someone needs to PUT IT IN PROPER.

90 Day Fiance Recap: No Way Out

Since kicking Tasha Rosenbrook out, Eric is obviously feeling like the piece of sh*t dad that he is. Even his own father tries to school him about unconditional love. He won’t listen. In tears, Eric tells cameras that he just HAD to kick Tasha out because he can “make it right” with her later, whereas precious Leida might actually leave his dumb ass and hightail it back to Indonesia if he doesn’t bend to her will.

Leida knows she has the upper hand, and revels in this fact when Eric comes home from work to talk to her about the Tasha situation. But Eric’s ex-wife, Tania, is livid about how this trick is treating her children, so she asks to meet Leida by a large body of water that she should push her into to discuss things.

RELATED: Leida Margaretha Claims She & Eric Rosenbrook Are Done With 90 Day Fiance

90 Day Fiance's Kalani Faagata Drops A Bomb On Her Family & Eric Rosenbrook’s Ex-Wife Confronts Ledia Margaretha

Tania might be the most level-headed, overly-forgiving person on this show, which makes her 1) a wonderful human being, but 2) kinda disappointing when we need a true hero to give Leida a verbal beating. After she describes the pain her children are in, and how Leida’s actions are tearing the entire family apart, Leida just huffs and puffs and defends her actions as totally acceptable.

But what if the kids don’t want to come to the wedding now? Tania asks. Leida GIVES NOT ONE SNGLE F**K. She couldn’t care less about “Eric’s OLD family” – as she disgustingly keeps calling them. Those kids are basically dead to her, and if Eric even tries to make his children a priority over her and Allessandro, Leida will just keep threatening to leave.

Plain and simple: Leida is disgusting. Tania knows it. The kids know it. THE ENTIRE VIEWING AUDIENCE KNOWS IT. And something tells me, even though he’s crying these crocodile tears over “hard choices,” Eric knows it too. He’s sold his soul to the literal Devil, which ultimately makes him just as evil.

Side note: These two bottom feeders can cry “bad editing” at TLC all they want. But no one forced Leida to say the MANY vile things she’s said, nor Eric to acquiesce to the real-life damaging choices he’s made about his children. Bad edit, my frigging arse. I’m frankly surprised the camera crew could contain their rage long enough to capture all of this despicable footage in person. Please tell me they’ve been provided counseling/exorcism rites after having to confront this horror for months on end. HATS OFF TO THEM FOR THEIR SERVICE. #HazardPayIsInOrder

90 Day Fiance Recap: No Way Out

Steven Frend & Olga Koshimbetova

Speaking of tortured production crews, how is this group of hardy group of cameramen and women not breaking down in uncontrollable sobbing while filming sweet Olga Koshimbetova every second of every day? DIS TEW MUCH.

Steven Frend, whose evil powers seem to be multiplying every day since Richie’s birth, is bound and determined to get his son a U.S. passport, then SNATCH him away from Olga. Yes, this is the waking nightmare we were forced to witness this week. And Olga, who feels completely powerless without any K1 visa prospects, is also forced to watch the nightmare unfold before her eyes.

90 Day Fiance Recap: No Way Out

Steven marches them all down to the U.S. Embassy and disappears inside for three hours with baby Richie. Then Olga sits on a park bench and swallows back tears about the prospect of losing her son. Will Steven really take him away? Is he truly that heartless? I mean, this is an idiot who can’t even figure out what “SSN” stands for, so how are they gonna let him snatch a baby all the way back to Ocean City without the mother’s permission? IS THE WORLD TRULY THIS CRUEL? <sniff>

Apparently, it is. Because when Steven returns with Richie screaming his head off, Olga can’t even manage to breastfeed her little babe without Steven immediately sneering that he got the passport. He holds all of the cards now and plans to use them. Olga argues that a child needs his mother! But Steven, tweenage twat that he is, makes it all about him and his very special, very singular pain. “I didn’t grow up with a father. What about ME? What about MYYYYYYY feelings?” he whines.

RELATED: 90 Day Fiance Cast Member Olga Koshimbetova Defends Steven Frend; Asks Fans To Back Off

90 Day Fiance Recap: No Way Out

In total shock, Olga can’t even summon words. She can’t let her baby go. She won’t let him go. And yo – this camera crew better step in and DO SOMETHING if it comes right down to it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: This sweet girl couldn’t tug at my heartstrings more if she were to break out in full Les Miserables soundtrack at any moment. She is a modern day Fantine, and MUST BE PROTECTED AT ALL COSTS. #SheDreamedADream

RELATED: 90 Day Fiance Star Steven Frend Apologizes For His Behavior On The Show

Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.

TELL US: ARE KALANI & ASUELU BOTH SIMPLETONS? IS STEVEN ACTUALLY EVIL ENOUGH TO TAKE THAT BABY FROM OLGA? WILL ERIC’S KIDS COME TO HIS WEDDING? IS HE ALREADY REGRETTING CHOOSING LEIDA OVER HIS CHILDREN? WHY IS EVERYONE SO AWFUL THIS SEASON?!?!?!?!?

[Photo Credit: TLC]

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