Next week is the finale of 90 Day Fiance. So we’re nearly at the end of the line. To all of you who have stuck with this 40-car pileup until the last vehicle careens over the cliff, I offer you a virtual appreciation ring atop of a windmill. Congrats to us! Last night was packed full of pre-holiday treats. So, let’s get to it, starting with The Horror In Baraboo.
Since kicking Tasha Rosenbrook out, Eric Rosenbrook and Leida Margaretha have been feeling pretty pleased with themselves. But Eric thinks things can be salvaged with one conversation. He meets all three of his daughters at a local diner to talk
about what a sh*tbag father he is. Eric’s youngest daughter is scarred from watching the fight between Leida and Tasha. Of course, Tasha is still very upset about being tossed out like trash. “What’s done is done,” barks Eric, claiming he had “no control over how it played out.” Um…WHAT?
Eric Rosenbrook & Leida Margaretha
Tasha goes low, claiming that Leida doesn’t “deserve to be in this country,” but it’s understandable how hurt she is by her father siding with this new, vile stepmother from Hell. Eric doesn’t want his daughters to hate Leida, and he wants them at their wedding. Eric’s middle daughter says that Leida’s actions (and Eric’s) have affected the entire family, so it’s not gonna happen. Eric has made his
inflatable bed, so now he has to lay in it. With Satan.
With only 6 days to wed, Leida goes to a salon for a makeup trial. Here’s hoping they have plenty of green paint and pointy black hats handy. Since she literally has NO ONE to talk to, Leida whines to the poor, long-suffering makeup artist, who thinks this woman is a selfish cow within seconds of talking to her. Same, random makeup artist. SAAAAAAME.
Later, Eric takes Leida for a stroll in the park. “Ack! Why so many bugs here?!? It’s dirty!” cries Leida, who just grows more endearing with every scene. Eric assures Leida that she’s the priority, but the rift with his daughters needs to be repaired. Leida doesn’t think she has any part to play in the rift. It’s like saying my dog didn’t have anything to do with that frozen pile o’ poop on the porch this morning. WE ALL KNOW THE TRUTH.
Leida refuses to budge. She threatens to go back to Indonesia. Eric knows it’s emotional blackmail, but he’s apparently okay with it because Leida will never change. Like Voldemort, her powers will only grow stronger with each consecutive kill. Will they get married? Of course, they will. Will she control him with empty threats of “going back home” every time she doesn’t get her way? Magic Eight Ball reads: It is assured.
Steven Frend & Olga Koshimbetova
In Russia, Steven Frend has been threatening to take baby Richie away from Olga Koshimbetova. Obviously disturbed by this baby-snatching plan, Olga visits her best friend, Anna, to talk it through. Anna is HIGHLY disturbed by her friend’s news, but even more disturbed the amount of fighting Olga and Steven have been doing. “I don’t trust him that much,” says Olga. She wonders if Steven has even truly applied for Olga’s visa. He could be lying to her. Okay, people – we’re gonna need Anna to go FULL BLACK SWAN ON STEVEN’S A$$. Someone needs to make this nightmare end!!!
At the park later, Steven and Olga talk about the visa process. Steven admits he has a secret he’s been keeping, which is that he is a horrible person who needs to be b*tch slapped by an angry horde of new moms. Oh wait – no, here it is: He didn’t apply for Olga’s visa when he said he did. If he had, Olga would be in America by now, but since he didn’t apply until he got to Russia, she’ll have to wait. Olga, who is apparently the most patient person on the planet, just tells Steven that he needs to be honest with her from now on.
OMG. Girrrrrrrrrl. THIS MAN-CHILD IS A MANIPULATIVE P.O.S!!!!! Maybe Olga feels like she has no other options. Or maybe she really is in love with this whiny little liar. Whatever the case may be, she seems willing to be strung along on Steven’s timeline.
At least Steven admits that Richie needs to stay with Olga, which gives her great relief. “I’m gonna try my hardest to give you everything you want. And you do mean everything to me,” says Steven, sealing the deal by dropping to one knee and proposing. NO! NYET!!!!!!
Damn – she says yes. I can’t even type anymore. I need to go rock in the corner and cry silent tears now. Be right back after I eat the rest of this cookie tray…
Jonathan Rivera & Fernanda Flores
After a tense night of fighting, Fernanda Flores has come to her senses. She regrets freaking out on Jonathan Rivera for his wild night out, which lasted 45 minutes. And since she does have a true maturity underneath all of that teenage angst, she writes him a heartfelt letter of apology and tearfully reads it to him. Jonathan apologizes too, not wanting Fernanda to feel abandoned or alone, no matter what.
Wise beyond her years, Fernanda admits that sometimes you have to be the first one to apologize after a fight because even if the other person wins, you really both win. Aww, Fer! Thanks for literally the only positive relationship lesson we’ve seen this season on 90 Day Fiance. See? Every toilet bowl has a silver lining. Or something.
Kalani Faagata & Asuelu Pulaa
After heading back to California, Kalani Faagata has to face her family. The wedding plans are still on. Asuelu Pulaa is still happy about Kalani’s pregnancy, but sister-daddy Kolini and Father Chin Braid are about to lose their effing minds. Kalani fears that her family will think Asuelu got her pregnant “on purpose” to stay in America. AS IF. Gawwwwwwd, I can’t deal with this chick.
Only one thing is certain: Asuelu is NOT a slut person. And Family Kalani better not get cranky to him just because Kalani doesn’t know how babies are made.
When Kalani goes out for mani-pedis with her mom and Kolini, she says she feels better about the wedding, but is scared to tell her sister about the pregnancy. When Kolini asks her about drinking at the bachelorette party, Kalani goes into her special catatonic/staring-at-floor state. She’ll tell her later…like when baby #2’s head is crowning.
With only one day to wed, Kalani meets Kolini and her friends out for a bachelorette party. She’s not drinking, which she blames on breastfeeding…until the truth finally comes out. In a private moment, Kalani confesses that she’s pregnant. As if on cue, Kolini cries, shakes her head in bewilderment, then finally says, “I don’t want to do this,” before marching right out of the party. Kalani follows her, just hoping she shows up at the wedding – which as a reminder, is the very next day. Cool timing, sis.
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Back inside the bar, Kolini gathers herself enough to listen to Kalani’s half-apologies. She can’t accept this news, which is absurd on every level. But, um, can we talk about the most absurd part of the whole thing? PREGNANCY CAN BE PREVENTED. And it’s not Asuelu’s fault that Kalani is an immature nitwit who can’t take even the smallest responsibility for her role in their situation.
Jay Smith & Ashley Martson
In Vegas, Ashley Martson and Jay Smith are about to tie the knot. Jay throws on his sharpest red tux while Ashley gets the glam squad treatment. She does look absolutely gorgeous in her wedding gown, which is the only bridal shop purchases that will ever see a ceremony, sadly. #RIPbridesmaids
The sadness of not having friends or family by her side sets in. Ashley wonders if they’ve done the right thing. But they ride over to the Elvis chapel anyway to do the deed. And just like that, Ashley is officially Mrs. P*ssy Skinz Junior. Mazel!
But after the wedding is when reality truly sets in. Once back in Mechanicsburg, Ashley discovers that Jay did something shady just a week after they wed. Get ready for it: He created a Tinder profile and has been meeting chicks online. Yuuuup. First, Ashley caught Jay FaceTiming a woman in the middle of the night. So Ashley messaged her and was told that the woman claims she was talking to Jay, the “Jamaican guy” she met on Tinder. In fact, she was supposed to meet up with him the next weekend. WUUUUUUUUUUT!?!?!?!?
When Ashley confronted Jay about it, he admitted to everything. Yes, he’s been on Tinder – he actually created the account THE DAY HE GOT HOME FROM THE WEDDING. Since then, he’s been communicating with multiple women. Holy sh*t. Why did he marry her if he wasn’t gonna change his ways? (His answer: “Because I was bored.”) And – GASP! – was Natalie actually right about him all along?!? #JusticeForScooters
Ashley actually went to Natalie’s house the night she found out about Jay’s Tinder account, which is a bitter pill to swallow. Now she has no idea what to do, since she can’t just kick Jay to the curb. She’s financially and legally responsible for him for 10 years on the K1 visa. This is a mistake she can’t take back.
Colt Johnson & Larissa Dos Santos Lima
Mother Debbie has had it up to here, and she’s not going to take it anymore! Yes, it’s time for the real Debbie to please stand up. Colt Johnson knows that Larissa Dos Santos Lima and MOTHER have been at odds since day one. However, he still holds out hope that they can ride off into the sunset as a thrupple who share a bank account and eat beef stew out of the family cauldron.
Yeah, that’s not gonna happen, especially since Larissa and MOTHER haven’t spoken in three weeks. “She’s said some horrible things to me, and I don’t know that I can forgive her,” Debbie complains to Colt, telling the camera crew what she really thinks next: “She’s a b*tch.”
Instead of standing up for his wife, Colt just sort of begs Debbie to make amends, agreeing that Larissa should apologize to her first. “I don’t know if I want her in my family,” says Debbie. Colt says he’s heartbroken, but that remains to be seen. From the looks of what’s transpired on social media these past weeks, Colt seems to have plenty of other women he’s reaching out to these days for…ummmmm…comfort.
In an effort to play nice, Larissa and Debbie head out to get their nails done before the wedding day. The nail artists try to make small talk, which strangely spurs Larissa and Debbie to break down their walls for a beat. Larissa apologizes for being a b*tch sometimes, and Debbie does too. Maybe this is a new beginning for them? In no time, they’ll be dressing up cats together! Or clawing each other’s eyes out.
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US: WHAT ARE YOUR PREDICTIONS FOR THE 90 DAY FIANCE SEASON FINALE? CAN COLT, DEBBIE & LARISSA MAKE IT WORK? IS JAY A PLAYER FOR LIFE? WILL FAMILY KALANI EVER ACCEPT ASUELU? IS OLGA MAKING A HUGE MISTAKE?
[Photo Credit: TLC]