Comscore

Love After Lockup Recap: Washing Off Prison

Before we recap the wonder that was Love After Lockup this week, let’s offer three cheers and some antibiotics to the brave camera crews who captured this “release day” footage. These hardy souls not only stood by while fresh-out-of-prison folk tongue kissed their lovahs for the first time. Nay! They ventured into woods to record full on sexytimes on dirt piles. I ask you: Can it get any better than this? Hurrah!

Speaking of dirt pile sex, let’s begin with Caitlin and Matt, who cannot wait one more second to jump each other’s bones, so they pull off into the woods to do the deed. This is how you get Lyme’s Disease, but Caitlin calls it the best sex she’s ever had, and Matt is happy he has a girl who doesn’t care about the odd lost tooth or poison sumac up her bum. #SoulMates

To continue the horror movie, Caitlin has literally rented a Cabin In The Woods for Matt to ravage her in before they move back to mom’s place. Once there, Caitlin gets more real: She wants Matt to find a job, stay clean, and walk the straight and narrow while on parole. “I’m not trying to marry someone who lives at mom’s!” says Caitlyn when Matt presses her for commitment.

Love After Lockup Recap: Washing Off Prison

Even more troubling? Matt has very low expectations for himself. He describes himself “thriving” in prison, and now that he’s out, “just wants to take it easy.” Um, no. That’s not how this grown ass man thing works, sir. Caitlin says Matt needs to work, period. But when he takes her on a walk later and drops to one knee to propose – with a dandelion as a ring – Caitlin tearfully says yes. “This is perfect for us,” she sighs, gazing at the dude who just tied a weed around her finger.

RELATED: Love After Lockup Recap: I Want This To Be Real

Love After Lockup Recap: Washing Off Prison

Tracie & Clint

Can anyone help this mess of a man? Oh LORDT, we are bearing witness to some serious stupidity in this storyline. And, okay, I am an awful person for loving it – but dayum! The heart wants what the heart wants!

In the case of Clint and Tracie, the heart apparently wants a soulmate who shares similar dental hygiene issues, i.e., a rich hue of burnt sepia teeth. When Tracie is released from prison, she flies into Clint’s waiting arms, kissing him with the force of a woman who’s just seen her meal ticket. Clint is overjoyed, telling Tracie how gorgeous she is, despite her weight gain. He’s a charmer, this one.

Love After Lockup Recap: Washing Off Prison

At the salon, Tracie begins drinking immediately – parole be damned! – and voices her list of demands: She needs her 4-foot roots “touched up,” a full face of makeup, lingerie, a sexy new dress, deodorant, a lifetime supply of Crest White Strips and selfless tanning lotion. Ooof! Sunless tanning lotion. Clint has no idea what any of this means, except that it’s going to cost him hundreds of dollars. His budget is $1,000, total, and by the time he runs to an extremely overpriced lingerie store to buy Tracie her non-prison garments (why not hit up the local Walmart, dude?), he’s already spent most of it.

RELATED: Love After Lockup: The $12,000 Lie

Personal theory: I don’t think Clint has ever actually used real money before. His parents have given him “Clint Bucks” to cash in for toys and treats over the years, raising their boy on a “special coupon system” that kept him safe and…Clinty. Whatever the case, THIS MAN IS NOT RIGHT.

Love After Lockup Recap: Washing Off Prison

In any case, he’s thrilled to see the final result when Tracie comes out sporting her hideous dress (OMG Clint, WHY?!?), new hair and a smokey eye that raccoons would envy. Not accustomed to being with “chicks this hot,” Clint practically climaxes right there in the salon. Tracie knows she’s got her claws in the right guy. She just doesn’t know that his allowance is almost gone.

Love After Lockup Recap: Washing Off Prison

Brittany & Marcelino

Let’s just put it right out there: Marcelino is THE WORST. Definitely the American Psycho of the group, this week revealed how scary, controlling, and completely delusional this man really is. First, he takes poor Brittany sight seeing without even letting her change out of her prison scrubs. As introverted and traumatized as she is, it’s a wonder Brittany can even maintain a forced smile while Marcelino drags her around aquariums to show her “his world.” UGH.

Finally, Marcelino allows Brittany to head up to their hotel room, where he does offer her a very sweet present. It’s a book of quarters to replace the childhood collection she lost when her parents, both alcoholics, stole it from her for drinks one night. Brittany is touched, and Marcelino seems happy to see her happy – but something more sinister lurks below. This guy wants to be Brittany’s savior. He’s already made that very clear. And if she doesn’t appreciate him in EXACTLY the way he demands, sh*t is going to get scary.

Love After Lockup Recap: Washing Off Prison

Cut to the shower scene. Brittany can’t wait to wash the prison off of herself, but Marcelino won’t even let her shower alone. He is literally UP IN HER GRILL AT ALL TIMES. Then at dinner later, he shows his true colors when Brittany doesn’t want to talk about their future at the exact same level of specificity that Marcelino wants. “Respect my age,” he chides her, finally taking away her plate while she’s still eating to punish her.

RELATED: Love After Lockup: The Virgin & The Trick

Okay, we need to pause here for reflection. If someone took away my plate before I’m done with my food to “punish” me, they better run with that f**king plate all the way to the police station. Because I would be instantly ready to commit SEVERAL crimes. Are you with me, people? Am I alone in this murderous rage against plate stealers? I. CAN’T.

Love After Lockup Recap: Washing Off Prison

Brittany rolls her eyes, seeming to understand who she’s dealing with more clearly. Marcelino thinks he’s her father – and an abusive one at that – but she doesn’t need his lectures and consequences. She also might not even need the “sex only a man can provide” (his actual words…<dry heave>), because she’s bisexual and proud of it. Hmm. After this dinner, Brittany might be ready to find her a nice, thoughtful woman to share her meals with from now on. Because, hey, we ladies ALWAYS let each other finish our damn food. #Truth

Love After Lockup Recap: Washing Off Prison

Megan & Michael & Sarah

This week, we finally met the man, the myth, the legend: Michael. As we’ve already learned, Michael is married to Sarah, but has also proposed to Megan, the virgin who’s been practicing sex via Skype for the last six months. After telling Megan not to pick him up at the prison because he wants to surprise her with another wife, Megan sits at home waiting for a call. She’s already cried all of her tears in the airport bathroom; now she’s rallying and ready for the big surprise headed her way soon. Despite her brother’s warnings, Megan just knows Michael is the one for her. Plus, he already proposed to her, so it’s all good. Right???

Love After Lockup Recap: Washing Off Prison

Meanwhile at the prison yard, Michael is being released into Sarah’s waiting arms. She bawls her head off, so happy that she gets to be with her husband again, and ready for them to be a “real family” back home with their little daughter. It turns out, Michael has been locked up since he was 15 years old, which is unusual since he was a juvenile, but he attributes to the police “just wanting to get another African American guy off the streets.” He feels wronged, and finally wants to live his life in peace. Um…except for the fact that – even behind bars – he’s managed to create the biggest clusterf**k of a situation ever known to reality TV!

Ignorant about all of Michael’s dirty dealings, Sarah just wants to start their life as man and wife. She’s so excited, in fact, that she’s had special shirts made for the day! Michael’s says “King” and Sarah’s is “Queen.”

Love After Lockup Recap: Washing Off Prison

When producers ask Michael if he felt awkward wearing the shirt on release day, he says no. “So, is Sarah your queen?” Michael answers, “No. She’s my wife. Megan is my queen.” WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING HERE I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT WE ARE WATCHING SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME. Oh my god.

Again, we have to wonder – what is Michael’s end game here? What is he DOING?!? Sigh. We’ll have to wait until next week to find out. Until then…standing ovation, WEtv. Standing ovation with two prison Pop Tarts and a plastic spork on top. Well played.

Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on AcastStitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.

TELL US: WILL TRACIE DISAPPEAR WHEN SHE FINDS OUT CLINT HAS NO MONEY? WHAT THE HELL IS MICHAEL GOING TO DO?!? IS MARCELINO COMING ON TOO STRONG? CAN MATT MAKE IT ON THE OUTSIDE, OR IS HE HEADED BACK TO PRISON? WILL ANY OF THESE LOVE AFTER LOCKUP COUPLES MAKE IT?

Photo Credit: WEtv

Click here to read our Comment Policy