It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Okay – maybe it was just the worst. But it’s over! (Until the Tell All next week, that is.) Last night ended our journeys with the six couples of 90 Day Fiance, season six. And for one, couple, their marriage barely lasted a day before all hell broke loose.
So let’s start with them. Ashley Martson is still reeling from busting Jay Smith for trolling Tinder – with the account he created the VERY DAY they returned home from their wedding. What a prince. Jay tries to act apologetic, but is really just pissed that he got caught. He obviously never planned to change his ways, and Ashley seems to know this. But Jay still attempts to justify his despicable behavior with all of the usual excuses – “It meant nothing! I didn’t do anything in person! It was just online flirting!”
Ashley Martson & Jay Smith
Okay, if this d-bag thinks his reasoning is going to fly with Ashley, the camera crew, or the 2 million viewers tuning in every Sunday night, then I’ve got some sweet Nigerian scams for him to start peddling to other 90DF suckas on Facebook, STAT.
Ashley finally storms out of the living room, leaving Jay to tell the camera crew how “awful” she is for reacting so dramatically. A little cheating 48 hours after a wedding doesn’t mean the marriage is sh*t, right? Um, yes it does. But Jay isn’t giving up. In fact, he’s not going anywhere, even if Ashley tries to kick him out. “She’ll have to call the police to get me out,” he threatens. Alright – anyone have a phone handy? LETS GET THIS DONE. Also, can we get Jay a Space Jam t-shirt already? Because this dude is Luis 2.0.
Later on, Ashley meets up with her friend (and former bridesmaid), Brandi, to talk to her about the nightmare she’s in. Brandi thinks Jay was probably cheating all along, and Ashley finding out about this Tinder sh*t should be enough to call it quits. Ashley wonders what Jay is even looking for? The girl he contacted on Tinder was only 18 years old and Ashley’s total opposite. Brandi advises Ashley to keep a closer eye on Jay because he’s probably stepping out on the daily.
But the real question is: Will Ashley seek an annulment, which will get Jay deported? She still doesn’t know, even though Brandi nudges her pretty firmly in that direction. “How do people get over this stuff?” says Ashley. Um, they get white binders of EVUHDENS and file for DA ANNULMENT. (Shout out to the OG, Danielle Mullins.) Or better yet, go call Molly Hopkins and get her lawyer on the case! Jay’s head will be spinning so fast, he won’t even have time to shut that iPad down with his 46 new Tinder profiles on it.
A couple of weeks later, Ashley sits down with Jay to talk about their future. She can’t accept the “I was bored” excuse, and she can’t give this little boy any more attention than he’s already getting. Bottom line: He’s a cheater. Period. Ashley has been down this road before with two other guys, and she feels like a fool for believing this 20-year old player would be any different. “I need some space from you,” she finally says, which scares the poop out of Jay. GOOD! He should be scared.
“I have no idea what the future holds,” Ashley tells producers. “I regret every choice I ever made.”
Eric Rosenbrook & Leida Margaretha
In the most depressing motel conference room ever,Eric Rosenbrook and Leida Margaretha wedding guests begin to gather for the blessed event. Someone start sprinkling holy water around this joint before the demonic spirits make it explode. After Leida gets her hair and makeup done, she forces Eric to compliment her, then berates him after discovering he didn’t bring pants along. Uhhhh…he also didn’t bring DAUGHTERS along, so the pants are kinda a moot point right now.
Eric whines about his daughters not coming to the wedding. “They should know how important it is to support me today,” says the most selfish father on the planet. Him missing pants is kind of karma working its magic, no? Also, Leida swearing at him and telling him what a f**k up he is alllllll the way up to the moment they trade vows = exactly what this dude deserves. NO PANTS FOR YOU!
After returning with new pants and a new a$$hole freshly ripped by Leida, Eric is ready to commit himself to a life sentence with no parole. Eric’s father shows up and wonders if Tasha Rosenbrook and the other girls will show up. So far, no one knows.
As the guests gather and Eric waits for his blushing bride to appear
in a green cloud of Wicked Witch dust, he sees his youngest daughter in the front row. Delusional to the point of absurdity, Eric still thinks they’ll all be “one happy blended family” one day. For her part, Ledia thinks Eric “doesn’t look that bad” standing at the altar. Hmm. Sure…maybe less deceased? And hey – she can get that medical degree on this loser’s back after all now. Even Eric knows that’s all she wants, and he’s willing to toss his daughters aside to participate in this toxic arrangement.
“I get to stay here in America!” Leida cheers, then wipes Eric’s kiss off. “Yuck! That was slimy!” Yip. That about sums it up. God, I feel slimy watching these two sh*tbags! BLECH.
Steven Frend & Olga Koshimbetova
It’s time for Steven Frend to return to the U.S., where he plans to continue his busy life of unemployment and starting GoFundMe’s for his expenses. Olga Koshimbetova and Richie accompany him to the airport, where Olga gets emotional and Steven displays his trademark bossiness by demanding that Olga FaceTime him constantly once he returns.
He doesn’t want to leave Richie behind, but THANK THE LORD that some outside force likely intervened to stop his baby snatching plans. Now, Steven just has to work on begging for funds online from strangers to start that K1 visa process rolling. Rots o’ ruck, jacka$$!
“I just hope this time will be the last that we are away from each other,” says Olga after Steven leaves. Let’s also hope that she plans an exit strategy if sh*t goes sideways once she gets to the U.S.
Jonathan Rivera & Fernanda Flores
In probably the only sweet wedding day we’ll witness, Fernanda Flores and Jonathan Rivera trade vows in front of friends and family (all Jonathan’s) in Chicago and shed happy tears through their vows. Fernanda is feeling slightly better about Jonathan’s family – especially his mom – accepting her, but she’s still missing her own mother immensely. Jon’s mom can’t be at the wedding either because his grandmother is very sick, but they make the best of it with the loved ones who are there.
Fernanda is keeping her main wedding gown for the ceremony she and Jonathan will have in Mexico, but she looks flawless (of course!) in the cocktail length white dress she chose for the day. Jonathan looks smitten with her when she walks down the garden path to meet him, and they both seem just as into each other as ever.
“Love goes through languages, goes through cultures,” says Fernanda. “And I’m happy I have this man forever.” Aww. Could this be the only Happily Ever After we get in season six?!? Okay, I guess we’ll take it.
Kalani Faagata & Asuelu Pulaa
It’s wedding day, and Kalani Faagata is still trying to keep her pregnancy a secret from Father Chin Braid. Of all days, she doesn’t want anyone to hate Asuelu Pulaa more than they already do. So she’ll pretend to drink champagne and continue to lie her little bride-a$$ off for the next 24 hours.
As Kolini does Kalani’s makeup, she admits she’s still not on board with this wedding, and she is not at ALL stoked to see Asuelu today, especially knowing he’s impregnated her sister again. As a reminder: No one in Family Kalani understands that it actually takes TWO human beings to create a baby. In their minds, Asuelu is the only one to blame. Even if he is not a slut person.
As everyone comes together on the boat, Asuelu only has one thought: Don’t tell Family Kalani about the baby! As for me, I feel strongly that Asuelu should be strapped up with a full life preserver for this boat wedding. ALL CHILDREN REQUIRE ONE. Despite the sh*tshow of these peeps all gathering on a floating vessel, the ceremony is lovely, and Kolini’s sour expression is out of eyeshot for most of it.
After they kiss as man and wife, Father Chin Braid offers congrats and one final threat that he’ll “straighten it out real quick” if Asuelu does Kalani wrong. Kolini promises to back off too, admitting that her sister is a grown up who can make her own decisions. And Asuelu – well, he’s just thrilled that they all stopped cranky to him long enough to let him bust out his sexy moves on the dance floor later. Yay!
Colt Johnson & Larissa Dos Santos Lima
Less than 5 hours from ceremony time, Colt Johnson is busy putting his big boy suit on
and dressing the cats in their ring bearer outfits. Mother Debbie is still less than enthusiastic about Colt’s decision to marry Larissa Dos Santos Lima, given that her status as First Wife is being threatened. She agrees to walk Colt down the aisle anyway though. Colt is now concerned about whether his cousin, John, and his family will cause a scene at the wedding. Apparently, he reinvited that tool – and he obviously wants to see if HE WHO IS AGAINST THE QUEEN actually dies.
All I know is that if Cookie Dough and Sugar don’t make an appearance at this wedding in FULL COSTUME, then we’ve officially been robbed.
Larissa looks beautiful in her gown, which she got at Goodwill and was approved by the Mother/Son joint bank account. She also pretty much expects to see Cousin John and Leah at the wedding, but she’s prepared to throw down in this Goodwill gown if John doesn’t come correct. They do show up, Leah in her floral headgear and John in his ubiquitous Friendly’s gear and looking like he’s about to murder passersby.
Okay, you guys – we have to acknowledge that Colt’s pants are the true MVPs of this day, as the work they’re doing to contain what lies beneath is truly #MissionImpossible. The ceremony goes off without a hitch, even with John’s eyeballs burning holes into the happy couple’s backs as they trade their vows. It’s afterward that the bad vibes start, when John congratulates Colt and basically ignores Larissa. To her credit, Debbie summons as much enthusiasm as she can, knowing that her son is officially going to stop breastfeeding soon.
Later, we learn that Larissa isn’t totally at peace with the day because there’s something going on with her visa. Cut to Colt standing outside of a locked door, behind which Larissa is obviously pouting over something. “F**k you!” she screams when Colt begs her to come out. So, what happened?
Well, it appears that Larissa was charged with domestic battery before the wedding after police came to the house as a result of an argument that escalated. Colt doesn’t offer specifics, but he did call the police on Larissa, who was taken to jail for two nights. He didn’t press charges, but the state of Nevada did. Even if her case is dismissed, it could affect her chances of applying for a green card.
So now what? Debbie wonders why he went ahead with the wedding knowing this? Because he didn’t want her to get sent back to Brazil, frankly, and because he likely knows that he has a rather large part to play in their toxic relationship.
“You better work on getting a lawyer,” advises Debbie. Yeah. And Colt better work on keeping himself off other women’s social media DMs. (Just sayin!)
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US: THOUGHTS ON THE FINALE OF 90 DAY FIANCE? WHAT DOES THE FUTURE HOLD FOR THESE 90 DAY FIANCE COUPLES?
[Photo Credit: TLC]