Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club Series Premiere Recap

After a tumultuous career, and numerous interactions with the legal system, Lindsay Lohan has returned to the spotlight with the premiere of her new reality show Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club. The series centers around a beach club cleverly named “Lohan Beach House.”  Lindsay opened the club with Panos Spentzos in Mykonos, Greece.

In this premiere, we were introduced to her new employees. We got a little insight into Lindsay herself and saw what her beach club has to offer.

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We are first introduced to Lindsay’s business partner, and my new hero, in a slow-motion sequence that screams- this bitch means business. I love the scowl!  He was even dubbed “cut throat” by Lindsay. Surprisingly, Panos admits he did not connect with Lindsay’s “diva-ish” ways in the beginning. Eventually, the two grew closer and opened their first night club in Athens. Now, they consider each other family.

We start off with Lindsay and Panos sitting down to discuss their “ambassadors”. I am not even joking when I say that at first, I thought they were literally talking about ambassadors they were having as guests.  Until the next scene showed a plane pulling up to offload beautiful people labeled “VIP hosts.”

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“VIP Hosts to me are not just hosts” states Lindsay in an interview, “They are ambassadors to the Lohan brand”.  So alcohol and bad decisions?

She continues, “It’s their job to represent the Lohan brand in everything. How they talk, how they look” I LOVE how the camera cuts to the “ambassador” with the green hair.

We are now introduced to Lindsay’s newest employees. Of course, they were all hired for their looks bartending, hosting abilities.

There’s Mike Mulderrig, a bartender from West Hollywood. Hey, do you think he knows the witches of WeHoJules Wilson a model marketing server aka the pretty girl who walks around with the bottle at a club.

“People’s first impression of me when they meet me is they think I’m an airhead,” Jules says in her interview. However, she insists, “I’m very professional in what I do.”  How much do you want to wager she’ll be the first to hook up with a coworker/roommate?

Brent Marks, or as his friends like to call him, “waitress slayer” <side eye> is a VIP host in Las Vegas.   Sara Tariq, originally from Pakistan, is a VIP hostess in LA. Aristotle Polites is a mixologist. Look out Tom Sandoval, we have another artist in the mix. Not only that, but Panos is already salivating over his “Greek God” looks.

Billy Estevez is another bartender who will listen to all your sob stories while serving up the drinks.  I wonder who will be leaning on his shoulders to cry?

Gabi Andrews, with the green hair, is yet another VIP waitress from Washington D.C.  My prediction is she will be one to watch out for as a trouble maker. Spoiler alert: my prediction comes true a little later on in this very episode.

Jonitta Wallace is a waitress at a “celeb-filled bar” where she claims the largest tips. Panos is not thrilled about her, but Lindsay deems she is “determined and humble.” Based on what though?

May Yassine, is a bottle waitress.  I already like her because there are no fancy labels for what she does… ahem Jules.

They arrive at the Beach House to meet Panos who barely has time for them as he flutters about giving quick pecks on the cheeks of a chosen few before showing them around.

“This man is gorgeous from his outfit to his face” swoons Jonitta. I hear you, girl.

After a quick tour, Mike is already feeling the pressure of being among the rich. Meanwhile, May is secretly planning on infiltrating Lindsay’s inner circle until she eventually kidnaps Lindsay and steals her identity.

When Panos asks if anyone has been a “brand ambassador” before  May, in a monotone voice, claims she has worked the “Super Bowl, Pepsi, Doritos, and something for Marc Jacobs” “I’m calling bullshit right now,”Brent states in his interview. Same, Brent.

Panos then goes on to tell his little group of ambassadors that if they do not bring the bucks in they are out. He is not like Lindsay.  He is all business and doesn’t want to know your problems!  I am starting to get an idea of why Lindsay’s current business ventures might be doing as well as they are.

“So you guys are going to be judging based on how many clients we’re able to… ?” a worried Jonitta starts to ask before being cut off.

“No. You are going to be judged on everything. Don’t worry” my new hero Panos “comforts” her.

Of course, the new hires are interested in what Lindsay will be like as a boss after all that they had seen in the media. We are ALL wondering that.

Then, the crew heads to their new home which has alcohol AND a pool.  Nothing could go wrong here people! Around the dinner table, the first order of business is addressed.  Who is single? Which is met with dead silence.  Come on. I’m sure at least one of ya’ll is married or dating, and it will come out after one unfortunate night where alcohol and that pool are mixed.

Brent, the “waitress slayer” claims to be a romantic at heart. Uh huh. Then, he goes on to tell Jules she is not his type.  So sweet.  Then the clothes come off and the biggest bottle of alcohol I’ve ever seen is passed around.

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Well, guess who decides to pull up for a surprise visit to see how the new employees are behaving in a gorgeous house with a pool and alcohol, then pretend to be annoyed that they are drinking and partying? Lindsay and Panos that’s who! They walk into the backyard and, are “horrified” by what they see. “Are they like stupid or something?” Panos quips in an interview.  Is this rhetorical?

Everyone gathers around. Then, Lindsay explains how they are trying to build a brand.  And how they need to be the backbone of the structure.  After,  she says she would like to get to know everyone.  Uh, not so sure that’s such a good idea.  Don’t you just want them to be beautiful people trying to get as much money out of your clients as they can?

Lindsay immediately zeroes in on Gabi’s attire, or rather lack thereof. The girl is just sitting there with her boobs hanging out in front of her new bosses. Not such a good look.

“My major is biology” Gabi drunkenly states while Panos barely keeps his disgust in check.

While trying to learn about the others, Gabi continues to interrupt to share her own stories such as the one where she announces that while she looks white she is, in fact, black. “You don’t look that white” Lindsay snipes.  I’m getting the feeling Gabi may be the first one out.

Lindsay, once again, tries to talk with the other ambassadors only to have Gabi continue to grab the attention which prompts Lindsay to ask Gabi why she is even there.

To everyone’s surprise, Gabi admits her motives are 100% selfish.  Even Lindsay seemed taken aback, and storms away after telling Gabi she should have chosen more appropriate attire than a bra when meeting her boss.

The other cast mates are turning on Gabi since she monopolized Lindsay’s time and didn’t allow them the time to share their “woe is me” stories. The lines in the sand have been drawn.

Next, we cut to a scene with Lindsay and Panos, having changed into somber black clothing, sharing their concerns with their new American ambassadors.  Are they there to use Lindsay or to support her?  I have a feeling her past is going to make her ultra-sensitive to being used, and looking at her life can you blame her?

We also learn that Lindsay had been in an abusive relationship and was actually struck by her partner on that beach. Eventually, she made a promise to one day own that beach and make it safe for everyone.

During an interview, Lindsay tears up when talking about going to the Beach House, soon after buying it, with her mom, who was in awe of what she had done, “She was just really happy for me” Lindsay says. And now we see why Lindsay is so protective of her business.  This is more than just a business for her.

RELATED: Lindsay Lohan Is Working On “Vanderpump Rules- Style” Reality Show About Her Club In Greece Called Lindsay Lohan’s Beach House

The first day at work we get a sense of what they will be doing and apparently it is whatever the clients want.

Brent gets the first cabana VIP because Lindsay wants to see if he can put his money where his mouth is. And trust me. He does.

While Jonitta and Jules try to get people into the cabanas, Brent’s cabana guest shows up and Sarah takes it upon herself to assign everyone a job. She gets snippy with May, whose feelings are hurt, causing Lindsay and Panos to sit her down and give her a pep talk.  Or rather Lindsay gives the pep talk. In contrast, Panos looks as though he is already regretting this little project.  He does not handle cry babies well. May doesn’t sense his disdain because she is staring at her idol with googly eyes.

Back to Brent and his cabana client Natasha, who he has to take bikini shopping because she forgot to bring a bathing suit. Who goes to a beach with a swimsuit? That is just crazy! Once they return to the cabana I’m starting to get an idea of the type of “service” they are expected to provide. And I’m pretty sure some of the things I’m seeing Brent provide are illegal in most of the United States.

Jonitta claims he can get away with it because he’s a man but I wonder if that’s true.  Maybe when you spend the money at this Beach House you can also get those certain “services.” Guess we’ll have to wait to see.

RELATED: Lindsay Lohan’s Vanderpump Rules-Style Reality Show Called Lindsay Lohan’s Beach House Set To Premiere In January

As the evening wore on the ambassadors looked like they were acting more like the guests than the workers by dancing around and twerking on each other. As expected, Panos scowled over all of them. He cannot wait to tell Lindsay what he has seen.

Brent gets blasted once they return to the house. Jonitta felt he wasn’t working while he claims he got his client to spend money.  Which in all fairness is what Panos told them their job was. Selling Selling Selling!

Brent needs to learn you can satisfy a client without your tongue down her throat” Jonitta snaps in her interview.  Well, this client WANTED his tongue down her throat so…

 Panos sits everyone down for their first day on the job evaluation where it turns out Brent was applauded for his work and Jonitta was told she needed to step it up.

Already, I can tell you Panos is going to be the hit of this show with Lindsay as a secondary character, but maybe we’ll have a chance to see another side to her.


[Photo Credit: MTV]