Below Deck Sailing Yacht Captain Glenn Shephard

Below Deck Sailing Yacht Recap: You Say Vegan, I Say Vaygan

I must say I am loving Below Deck Sailing Yachtespecially in contrast to the toxic cesspool of poop-smelling goo that was this season’s Below Deck. Sure, Adam Glick may have the flirting game of the SNL skit The Ladies Man, but at least he’s not sexually assaulting people, then blaming sand for existing at the same time he was suffering from drunken hurt feelings.

Also, I adore Captain Glenn Shephard. Only a man living on a 4-foot sailing yacht for the last decade, in a room the size of a can of beans would mispronounce vegan as “vaygan”. I just find him so charming and calm, and without ego. Yay Captain Glenn!

But now we must dive into Jenna MacGillivray‘s failed seduction of Adam. Which culminated in her passing out in a wet bathing suit after a hot tub make-out.

Oh man… was anyone else thinking this was a high-speed train to yeast infection town?! I was worried about Jenna’s crotchal health for reasons unrelated to potentially letting Adam near it. However, kudos to Adam for being the more sober of the two, and recognizing that drunkenly hooking up with the chief stew the very first week of charter season was a bad decision. Maybe Adam has grown and learned? Because he very politely and kindly sent Jenna to bed without any judgment, and the next morning had the decency to pretend the incident never happened.

Below Deck Sailing Yacht Jenna MacGillivray

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Jenna for her part is mortified. She also decided to act like no weirdness occurred and continued to let Adam ineptly flirt with her with jokes about measuring her butt post-charter season. If that is what’s passing for smooth pickup lines in today’s modern dating scene, I am ever so thankful to be married. I think… Or maybe I want sexy chefs to proposition my post-charter season posterior?

Anyway, it seemed like everything is smoothed over, but then not so fast! Jenna’s team is rapidly turning on her. Madison Stalker is disgusted by the level of unprofessionalism Jenna displayed, and makes up for all of Adam’s non-judgement by judging Jenna the way a southern mother talks about their son’s girlfriend’s mother. This judgement will come with casseroles, which on their face seem thoughtful, but are actually just loaded with saturated fat and shade.

Below Deck Sailing Yacht Georgia Grobler

And then there is Georgia Grobler. I told y’all from Day 1 that I didn’t trust this girl and on Day 3 I am gleefully yelling I TOLD YOU SO! In the key of G minor, naturally. Georgia is overly defensive, and overly sensitive, and also believes she’s above reproach while also wanting to be given instruction on how to preform better.

Georgia complains to Jenna that Adam is mistaking her inexperience for incompetence by lecturing her on the correct way to carry plates. In response, Jenna tells her (rightfully) to suck it up and learn. Then Jenna lets Adam know that Georgia is frustrated with his tone. Sure, Jenna reported this in a catty way, but Adam and Jenna are both Georiga’s superiors. It is in no way unprofessional, or two-faced, for them to discuss her performance or a situation in which she is unhappy with one of them.

Below Deck Sailing Yacht Adam Glick

Obviously, Adam confronts Georgia, and tells her “My way or the highway,” which rude, but she is the 3rd stew with no service experience. So Georgia decides this is all Jenna’s fault for betraying her trust and complains to Madison that it’s like being in all-girls boarding school. The only person behaving immaturely is Georgia. Girl, if you have a problem with your boss and you complain to your other boss, EXPECT those bosses to talk about your complaints! This has nothing to do with high school friendship hang-ups. It is a JOB.

Below Deck Sailing Yacht Ciara Duggan

Also, Georgia is eager to get her claws in Paget Berry. Not cause she thinks Paget Berry is hot. (Because no one thinks a boiled potato wearing a Ken Doll wig is hot), but because she wants to prove she can get Paget. Presently Ciara Duggan is not jealous. That’s because presently Ciara is wrestling with the bigger challenge in her relationship: that suddenly she can’t control everything Paget does. He is now her boss, and is treating her like an employee sometimes but an annoyed boyfriend the next.. It creates a strange fuzzy boundaries. It also creates competition over who has the right to work in a toga.

Below Deck Sailing Yacht Charter Guests

The incoming charter guests feature all self-righteous people. Two are vegan, two are dairy-free, 15 of them are gluten-free, 37% of them eat fruit on Tuesdays, 4% of them like berries that penetrate other berries, 9 of them prefer pomme frites to French fries, all would like wine with that, and 100% of them are annoying, and think they know everything about food and high-end food service. That’s because 2 (or 3?) of them own restaurants. And one of them is a drunken sailor who’s never sailed unless you count a booze cruise or riding the ferry at Disney World.

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Below Deck Sailing Yacht Adam Glick Jenna MacGillivray

Captain Glenn is so confused about the dietary restrictions. He’s never even heard of such preposterous notions as not eating meat. Also, Adam does not excel at vegan cookery, plus also he’s hung over as heck, but now he has to puree 75 veggies into something that resembles a steak but tastes like a marshmallow to wow people hired by Bravo to behave like assholes about his food. Luckily he has Jenna in his back pocket. Literally and figuratively. They agree to rely on each other for emotional support through this charter, and vent all their annoyances onto the other stews. They rise to that occasion superbly. Which is fine, because the other stews have already decided Jenna and Adam are essentially their parents whose oppressive authority of expectations and standards for their teenagers must be rebelled against. Let’s hope Marriage Bootcamp: Family Edition is the next charter!

Also ,these guests want a toga party, and the weather is misbehaving like it’s name is Georgia. There is no wind, then there is rain… Also tears on Parker’s ukulele. And Georgia’s iron is hissing and fitting. And Madison’s heart is going patter-patter budumpadump every time Parker is near her. So again, this should all be swell. I eagerly look forward to Byron Hissey‘s recaps of these situations.

Within seconds of coming on board ,the guests are complaining about the lack of wind. Specifically ,ONE guest is complaining and actually has the audacity to tell Captain Glenn how to sail. Then demands he stop trying to sail since clearly ,he is not Zeus, descending from the heavens with the power to control the weather. This is Greece isn’t this, shouldn’t that be like happening?

Below Deck Sailing Yacht Paget Berry Parker McGown

Instead, like a trick from the Gods to the mortals, Captain Glenn instructs Paget and Parker to row out to some rock and attach a chain to it so they can turn the boat to face an inlet, giving the guests a stunning Greek view. They are wooed. And some are also wooed by Adam’s avant garde vaygan cooking. Which is Greek for vegan. Although one guest (who smokes because that is excellent for your palate) complains that the beet salad has no flavor. That’s because she hates beets. And probably resents the vegan asshole who paid for her trip (aka the primary) co-opting all the food preferences with her fussy fruits. Are beets a fruit? I can’t be bothered to google, so someone educate me.

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Speaking of fruit Adam goes out of his way to make like 7 different kinds of ice cream to accommodate all of their food disparities, and then the coupe de glace: he stuffs a blueberry into a raspberry as a garnish! Sure, it’s a little 1980’s American Psycho dinner menu, but the guests were trashing him as if he served them Lunchables and warmed up the crackers! Instead of being upfront with Adam that beets, or berry on berry action aren’t their favorites, the guests just make fun of him behind his back.

Jenna is offended on Adam’s behalf, and isn’t sure if she should give him the feedback. After all, if Below Deck has taught us nothing else all these long seasons, it’s that chefs have sensitive egos. Adam, as far as chefs go, is pretty durable though, and takes it in stride. Maybe because it’s coming from a girl whose ass he’d like to assess for juiciness of melon?

At least the primary had the dignity to look decently mortified by her friends juvenile mean girl behavior. Overall the guests love the food though.

The next morning despite the grey skies, choppy water, and persistent drizzle the guests want to paddle board which doesn’t work out so they mostly wind up lolling about on these inflatable swim platforms while Parker mat talks them with encouragement.

Below Deck Sailing Yacht Paget Berry

Unfortunately, a good night sleep has done nothing to improve relations between Paget and Ciara. This will be the electrical fire Byron gets stuck putting out later this season! Paget keeps snapping at Ciara as if he expects her to just get over it because of their personal relationship. She keeps complaining that he needs to stop being mean. Parker is the wayward child awaiting direction from his feuding parents, wrestling for control of the ropes. It’s the vacation from hell!

I can’t tell if Paget is just, well, pagetic at communication skills, or this is Ciara-centric behavior? If so, he’s a crap boyfriend who wants to go overboard to prove he’s the boss in the work place as a way of overcompensating for her control in personal space. If not, he’s a crap boss who needs some Situational Awareness training provided probably by YouTube. Whatever the case, especially with Georgia wrapping togas around Paget and washing his manties, there will be trouble in Pagaradise!

Below Deck Sailing Yacht Georgia Grobler Laundry

Oh yea, Georgia is also terrible at laundry (and turn downs and serving…). She is losing everyone’s underthings, and probably wrapping them up in napkin rings and placing them next to the dinner plates. But quick question: don’t people label that shit ala summer camp? Parker, whose parents actually OWN a summer camp, should certainly know better!

After a day of bickering, Pagara Problems come to a head over some laurel wreaths and repurposed sheets. For the toga party, Jenna decides she and Madison, who are serving dinner, will dress in theme, and they ask one guy to also don a toga. Someone decides that person should be Paget, even though he’s rocking a farmer’s tan I haven’t seen since my own days at 4H camp! T’is not a sexy effect.

Georgia, as the goddess of the laundry, gets the exalted role of wrapping the togas. Here, finally, is a skill she excels at! After seeing Paget all mummified in starched linen, Ciara gets jealous. Especially when Paget asks her to move a tender since he can’t work in this state of dress. Aaaahhhh…  the fate faced by women for hundreds of years, swaddled into incapacity and ultimately treated as incapable, due to enormous skirts. More than toga envy, Ciara resents having her break interrupted before she’s had her coffee (girl, I feel you!!!!!!) to accommodate for Paget’s costume. Ciara questions if he would expect this of a regular employee (aka Parker?), or if she’s getting the Girlfriend Special. I also wonder if she would mind him making such requests of her if he weren’t her direct superior. Like if she was a stew, and Paget asked for a favor as a boyfriend, I feel like Ciara would happily oblige?

Anyway, Ciara also doesn’t think it’s fair that she doesn’t get a toga. Did she want an excuse to avoid grunt labor? Again, girl, I feel you!! There are not enough clean sheets so Ciara goes and scrounges one up herself, from god knows where, and asks Georgia to toga her. Toga’d, Ciara shuffled around the deck doing tasks and arguing with Paget about things that didn’t get done the night before.

On the stew side of the spectrum, things go considerably better. Adam’s Mediterranean feast, which he spent all day preparing, looked amazing and garnered him rave reviews. Not a fruit fucking in sight!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]