Parker McCown

Ahhhh… we are midway through the charter season on Below Deck Sailing Yacht. As well known from previous iterations of Below Deck, this means a time of shifting loyalties, relationships beginning to either fray or cement, and crew-wide fatigue.

Over on the rockiest beach in the world, Jenna MacGillivray and Adam Glick arrive prepared to host a beach BBQ for the guests only to find what looks like a hoarder emptied their storage shed on the shore. What reality show is this?!

Ciara Duggan and Madison Stalker have been there for 4 hours but it might as well have been 4 years. They look like they just escaped a shipwreck and were required to use Madison’s bra as a fishing net. They are sweaty, burnt, hobbling around creatures surprised to recognize other forms of human life (or perhaps disappointed that those human lives were Adam and Jenna?). This is what being off the boat unsupervised does for a yachtie!

Now it’s T-30 minutes until the guests, dressed for dinner at the country club, arrive and nary an umbrella is unfolded. Jenna is in overdrive, panic mode. OK, seriously, what the eff was going on that island all day? 

I have so many conflicting feelings about what’s going on with Below Deck Sailing Yacht. Like is everyone conspiring against Madison Stalker? Are Jenna MacGillivray and Adam Glick both psychotics who deserve each other? Is Parker McCown a secret serial killer, ala Patrick Bateman. I know it’s not popular but you guys — I just get a bad feeling about him. I mean, I basically get a bad feeling about everyone except for Captain Glenn Shephard and Byron Hissey. So maybe that’s the problem?

I definitely DO NOT have good feelings about the new Below Deck Sailing charter guest Yana, and her, um… diet and cat noises? Is her brain so deprived from lack of food she can’t form complete thoughts which is why she just says “meow”?

Jenna is crying on a dock after begging Adam to sleep with her. They’ve been ‘dating,’ in the loose manor of yacht dating, for the equivalency of 2 charters. Possibly 2 and a half. It is not. that. serious. Adam turns her down because he’s trying to retain some small vestige of professionalism (GO ADAM), and Jenna freaks out that he’s icing her out by putting up emotional walls. Jenna claims she just wants to get closer to him — so how about asking about his childhood, instead of using bumping uglies as a bandaid for actual intimacy. Seems a little… immature, no?

I didn’t think there ever would come a time when I would take Adam Glick‘s side on anything, but on last night’s Below Deck Sailing Yacht that moment came. I am permanently imbedded with second-hand embarrassment for Jenna MacGillivray after she begged Adam to have sex with her, then told him he’d end up living alone in a van for rejecting her. Girl… it’s not that he’s not that into you, it’s that he’s actually trying to respect you by not putting it IN you before you’ve even had a first date.

It’s ironic that Jenna is complaining that Madison Stalker is moody and overly-emotional when one minute Jenna seems happy to be hanging out with Adam, and the next she’s throwing a tantrum because he doesn’t want to bang her in Greece’s answer to Motel 6. This should be a compliment!! It’s like the opposite of Tinder hooking up. It’s like ‘I want to get to know you like this is 1886 and we’re in a Jane Austen novel.’ It’s like be happy!!

But first lets discuss the latest disgusting pile of bruh’s to land on Below Deck: the nauti boys from Jersey. It sounds like a 1990’s boy band, and I do believe there were a few frosted tips in the greased hair to complete the image.

Last night’s Below Deck Sailing Yacht featured the worst guests in Below Deck recorded history. AW-FUL! It’s like someone let a pack of Joe Giudice‘s illegitimate sons loose and told them whomever consumed the most alcohol wins an all-expense paid trip to The Bunny Ranch (followed by all you can eat french fries).

As if immature guests weren’t bad enough there is Jenna MacGillivray and Adam Glick behaving like teenagers. In the past there have been chefs and chief stews, or chief stews and bosuns together, but never have they been so unrestrained in their non-stop touching during work. Jenna’s crew also feels rejected because mommy has a new boyfriend. Madison Stalker and Georgia Grobler are bothered by Jenna choosing Adam over them (and work), leaving them to their own devices to be molested by guys, taken advantage of, and forced to fend for themselves at too young an age.