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Tamra and Eddie

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County was jam-packed, wasn’t it? It went from a literal brawl over Shane of all things, to laughing and crying, and in between people were dating, divorcing, apologizing, and maybe even dating people who are using them for their money! People were also getting their livers probed by an alien from planet moon fingers. Which is perfect because Gina Kirscheheiter literally always looks like a character on Star Trek.

Tamra Judge is in her room, drawing hearts on her ankle boot or something when downstairs Gina is literally wrestling Kelly Dodd and Emily Simpson apart. Over Gina’s head, Emily screams “I’ll kill you!” I mean, it’s only warranted because Kelly called Emily’s husband, Shane, a “prick” a “pussy” and a “twerp” among others.

Brooke Laughton

It sounds like Brooke Laughton is not just done with Joao Franco, but she’s also done with Below Deck Meditterranean.

I can’t believe I’m saying this (cold day in hell and all that…) but if only Brooke would’ve taken Hannah Ferrier‘s advice to stay away from Joao she could’ve spared herself a lot of trouble! Instead Brooke has to face reality the hard way – by watching herself look like an idiot every week on TV while Joao flirted with Kasey Cohen behind her back, then continued doing so long after filming wrapped. 

LeeAnne and Brandi fight Over LeeAnne

Last night the Real Housewives Of Dallas left Beaver Creek to return to their roots: the rodeo! D’Andra Simmons celebrated her 49th birthday and some of her friends treated her like a little girl who was gonna eat too much cake and make herself sick!

Cary Deuber is still in Jackson Hole Wyoming, and Stephanie Hollman is in Italy pasta-scarfing all her feelings about Kameron Westcott away. Much better than therapy if you ask me! This means Brandi Redmond‘s left to be the one-woman fun machine. She did not disappoint, although poor old LeeAnne Locken was trying to nip at her heels.

LeeAnne loves a competition over nothing, doesn’t she? Is she in therapy for this or does she not recognize that it’s a problem? Last week she argued with D’Andra over who was queen of nothing, which resulted in sexual assault on a K-Cup; this week she’s competing with Brandi for the title of D’Andra’s BFF. LeeAnne one-upped D’Andra’s K-Cup with an audition for a Def Leopard video – except MTV stop making music videos about 300 years ago, about the time LeeAnne should’ve handled her insecurities.

Below Deck Reunion

Last night was the Below Deck Mediterranean reunion, and Captain Sandy Yawn wants us all to know she wore her boss pants. Joao Franco, on the other hand, wore a diaper.

The set of these WWHL Reunions is so depressing, isn’t it. Like getting married in a Vegas chapel with a liquor store next door. It just doesn’t translate to ‘daytime’ activities. Who wants to bear their soul in front of a rhinestone Snoopy or a photo of Ramona Singer doing Turtle Time in a satin dress? I guess Joao’s nervous breakdowns don’t discriminate?

Ashley Jacobs crying

Oh PUH-LEAZE. Just in case you thought Ashley Jacobs would go quietly back to California to SAVE PEOPLE’S LIVES as a nurse, you’re completely wrong! She’s begging for a chance to be allowed to return to Southern Charm and redeem herself. She also thinks the other cast members would welcome her back! Bless her heart…

It’s been obvious as of late that Thomas Ravenel and Ashley will do anything to stay on TV: breaking up, making cheating accusations, apologizing to Kathryn Dennis, and getting back together and possibly engaged, but now Ashley isn’t trying to hide her intentions. “I wish they had the decency to contact me and give me a chance,” Ashley complained about Bravo, “because I would like to have a redemption story, the same way Kathryn did.” 

Real Housewives Of Atlanta in Japan

It’s been a while, but finally it’s time for some Real Housewives Of Atlanta updates. First of all, the ladies are in Tokyo, Japan for their big cast trip. It’s unusual for Bravo to recycle locations – last season some of the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills traveled to Japan, but maybe because it wasn’t the official trip, Bravo decided double-dipping was OK.

Second of all, by now everyone knows Kenya Moore is not coming back. Probably a good thing considering she’s pregnant and who needs all this stress while also percolating a baby. I don’t doubt that at some point Kenya will reemerge, but for this season she’s on personal leave. In Kenya’s place is Eva Marcille as an official Housewife (she is getting married next week and it will be featured on the show, probably as the season finale party).

Emily Simpson screams at Kelly Dodd

Dramy, dramy, dram-dramzs on last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County. So Emily Simpson was really glad that after all the rumors, speculation, and gossip Shane could come to Tamra Judges party, be his best Mormon self, and everyone would get to know ‘the real Shane.’  Except The Real Shane(TM) turned out to be kinda worse than the Shane of everyone’s imagination. This is gonna go either one of two ways here, kids: Emily will find herself divorced, or her happy marriage will cost her the show next season!

This episode might as well have been titled The Real HouseHUSBANDS, because it was about bad husbands or lack thereof from start to finish. After our two week hiatus, we’re still on the golf course celebrating Vicki Gunvalson‘s 400th birthday. This day has more fits and starts than Vicki’s ever-evolving face. Suddenly Shanon Beador was storming away from the lunch table because Tamra “doesn’t care” about Shannon’s opinion.

Sonja Morgan Looks Amazing In Paper Magazine

Sonja Morgan has been tapped by the legendary Paper Mag to pose with the iconic Telfar “Shopping Bag.” This is quite a coup for the Real Housewives Of New York star that everyone dismisses as ridiculous, flighty, and out of control, but Sonja is probably the perfect person to rep a designer shopping tote. After all,  she’s nothing if not a high-class bag lady living lives out of her of her trusty totes! Just so long as it’s large enough to carry a Costco-sized vat of Wesson Oil…

The Telfar Shopping Bag is super affordable and “really anyone can get in this look,” explains designer Telfar Clemens. “It’s probably the most basic bag you can imagine, but somehow there’s no other bag like it.” So pretty much exactly like Sonja!