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Katie Maloney & Kristen Doute - Vanderpump Rules

Last night we got a psychology lesson about how the brain works on Vanderpump Rules. For whatever reason associating with Kristen Doute, Stassi Schroeder, and Katie Maloney transforms people into the most primal version of themselves – the hideous, scaly monster insider of us all who is operating in a pure rage-mode known as The Reptilian Brain. Either this, or being on reality TV keeps one in a constant stasis of fight with Katie or flight from Katie (on a PJ?!).

The only people NOT using their reptilian brains last night were Tom 1 and … get ready for this: JAX TAYLOR. I mean Jax is literally a reptile. A dinosaur, actually; all gnashing teeth with a brain the size of a peanut despite his enormous hulk. It’s all feed me, f*ck me, leave me… But last night Jax got in touch with his, maybe, Dolphin Brain? I say dolphins because they are a conscious, considerate, evolved species who care for their loved ones.

So as Brittany Cartwright sat moaning in pain from wisdom teeth extraction, Jax made sure she had all her creature comforts: beer cheese and tequila in a baby bottle, a blanket of dogs, and access to her Instagram account. This guy – so ready for marriage and parenthood, y’all! We’ll get back to that idea lates.

And now some other relationships in this cesspool of crocodile mating we call Vanderpump Rules.

Kristen Doute & Brian Carter

Tonight Vanderpump Rules returns with more of Kristen Doutes drama. This time Kristen and Carter find themselves in a huge fight with her besties Katie Maloney and Stassi Schroeder after Carter accuses them of causing problems for him and Kristen.

Well Kristen is batshit crazy, so I’m not entirely convinced that it’s all Katie and Stassi’s fault. 

NeNe Leakes - Real Housewives Of Atlanta

There has NEVER been an episode of Real Housewives Of Atlanta where all the women were rocking their natural hair. As you recall Kim Zolciak has worn wigs since Season 1, and it ushered in a wigstravaganza of no real hair shall be seen for fear of frayed edges exposed. But, last night NeNe Leakes broke that mold by hosting a “Wig Free Party” and expected everyone to come dressed accordingly.

I really didn’t understand the purpose of this party other than to shame everyone about their natural hair, or to expose their messy split ends. But no wigs it is!

Lisa vanderpump - Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Whew – I haven’t been this mad about an episode of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills in a long time! I had to press pause several times during last night’s episode to yell. My poor husband!

As a longtime professional (haha!) Housewife-ologist, I am by this point almost impassive to the antics and goings-on, and rarely become emotionally engaged. I should also mention that while I am a fan of Lisa Vanderpump and I enjoy watching her, I am not an LVP-stan. She has often annoyed me with her inability to admit she’s wrong. And it’s been obvious many times over that she loves producing narratives behind the scenes in a way that makes this particular franchise inauthentic and hard to follow since viewers are kept apart from so much of what actually caused the drama. 

Lisa Vanderpump - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Leave it to the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills to behave atrociously, abysmally, terribly badly on a five-star vacation to a sensational locale! After all, this is how the rich roll. At least according to Bravo.

Lisa VanderCantGetOverAnything continues nipping at Dorit Kemsley for her dodgy, ditching doggy adoption. Erika Girardi decides she doesn’t want any grande dames (other than herself) ruining her vacations. Also, it’s apparently her duty to be Dorit’s guard dog. 

Kristen Doute Vanderpump Rules

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules we were still trapped in Solvang with Krazy Kristen Doute. Apparently once cameras turned off and we all went to bed, she was haunting the halls of their hotel, screaming JAAAAAMES, and begging for cigarettes. But it’s not about James. It’s about Carter.

Katie Maloney had to take drastic measures to escape Kristen at her worst! It was so bad she chose to spend the night in Super Summer of Single Scheana‘s, room wearing a SUR uniform which was passed to Scheana after Katie’s um, winter body appeared on the scene.

Of course, hearing about her insane drunken behavior the previous night doesn’t stop Kristen from imbibing on their trip to the vineyard, however! Oh no, bring on the Riesling. Glug, slug, slug!

Lisa Vanderpump - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills was a filler episode of wealthy women doing what Bravo wants us to believe wealthy women do: shopping and pastry decorating in between filming PSAs about parental abandonment (aka empty nesting) and eating disorders coinciding with the launch of your Instagram modeling career.

Things begin with Kyle Richards driving Lisa Vanderpump to Dr. Ourian‘s office. Dr. Ourian is the plastic surgeon to Kardashians and also Brielle Biermann’s lips, so you know… do what you will with that. Then book an appointment with Paul Nassif immediately afterward.

Anyway, Lisa takes a hit of laughing gas, which according to her “is like drinking a whole bottle of wine without the hangover” and gets her neck tightened. Kyle videos the whole procedure, and LVP explains that laughing with Kyle is necessary for her as she deals with the loss of her brother.

Kristen Doute - Vanderpump Rules

I’ll tell you a secret: you will not find your answers in life by going to the Disney World of Yolanda Hadid’s Lyme Brain, aka Solvang (a pretend version of a Dutch village) and drinking until you fall on your ass in an unflattering romper repurposed from vintage prison uniforms. Just ask the ladies of Vanderpump Rules who tried just that!

Likewise you will not improve your life or your relationship by having a guy’s night at a hotel where you pretend you’re just picking up chicks for a single friend. That will instead make you realize you’re married to someone like Katie Maloney, who is wearing your balls as a ring on a string.