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Kameron Westcott

Beautiful wilderness and a 5-star ski resort, a private plane, endless champagne, a group of tight-knit friends ready to put their problems behind them… Oh wait, WHOOPS – not that! What can go wrong when you take the Real Housewives Of Dallas to Beaver Creek? Also, this episode was sponsored by the Letter B, the color Blush, and the number 4 – for all the naughty things Kameron Westcott doesn’t do because she’s a square.

All the beaver action began at Brandi Redmond‘s top-secret baby shower for Bruin. After Stephanie Hollman misled Kameron by making her believe they were celebrating Stephanie’s surrogate, here appeared America’s favorite ginger family presenting a mystery baby. Kameron is stupefied. Like where’s the surrogate? Did she give birth upstairs during the party? Is Brandi a stork? Like why wasn’t she told? Like, why isn’t SHE the center of the BS (Brandi/Stephanie) universe?

Brooke Laughton

It’s the last charter for Below Deck Mediterranean and the guests are literally a coma, luckily all crew relationships are exploding like a fireworks display.

Hannah Ferrier and Conrad Empson are FINALLY  breaking up – and this is only because Conrad tired of her toxic, immature dramas. “This is not going to work. If you argue every day what’s the point in being there. You’re not happy. I’m done,” he decides, before telling Hannah that Prague, and all its glories as a couples trip, is not happening.

This is what truly enrages Hannah – that she cannot manipulate Conrad into staying with her through the trip. He asserts to think about it but his eyes already focused on the future horizon, populated with women his own age, looking to have fun and not use him as a baby bait to make older, established men feel bad for her.

RHOC Golf Outing

How did the biggest storyline on Real Housewives Of Orange County become whether or not it’s “concerning” that Emily Simpson‘s toadstool of a husband (Shoadstool) is controlling? Are they really breaking golf etiquette over a teetotaler with angst over women having fun? I mean, technically, no; technically what they’re really fighting over is Shannon Beador being a bad friend to Tamra Judge.

Which is karma considering all the years Tamra has been practicing a particular brand of bad religion on everyone. What they’re really fighting over is how Tamra is sick of being good. Even Vicki Gunvalson, desperate to become Mrs. Steve Stupendously Staid And Boring, is letting her down, but she’s not allowed to fight with Vicki anymore…  And what is it they say: Well behaved women rarely make things fun?

Did Ashley Jacobs Cheat On Thomas Ravenel? She Denies It!

Lord, I cannot imagine how there is even ONE person in the world willing to date Thomas Ravenel or Ashley Jacobs, but now Thomas is implying that he and Ashley broke up because she cheated! Who on earth is this man?! JD?!

Last week Ashley revealed that she and Thomas had split, and promised she would be “OK” driving her little Honda and working to save lives as a nurse. She also asked if her followers knew any single men. #PerfectGiftForSomeoneYouHate

Shortly after Ashley’s proclamation, her social media seemed to apply she had gotten back together with Thomas, but now it’s the former Southern Charm star’s turn to confirm the break up. 

Momma Dee

Real Housewives Of Dallas was all over the place last night. There was new life, death, and rebirth of beaten to death dramas (and actual enormous ponytails to add to beat a dead horse analogy courtesy of LeeAnne Locken). There was also Kameron Westcott to scorn us all while wearing a ruffled pinafore reminiscent of a Victorian matron.

D’Andra Simmons is still celebrating the fact that someone not only wanted to marry her but to drag her into bed and ravage her. I suppose that other than money there’s nothing else a girl could want out of marriage, so girl – good on you! Since D’Andra is oh-so-happy, and after 4 years of marriage is an expert, she just wants LeeAnne to experience this same bliss — that is if LeeAnne can coerce Rich down the aisle without him sharting. Something he’d apparently do if it meant getting out of a wedding… Oy.

Brooke Laughton

Hannah Ferrier finally learned the definition of work on last night’s Below Deck Mediterranean. Unfortunately, it was all for show. In other news all our happy couples are unhappy!

Whoever declared that you should never go to bed angry, obviously didn’t live and work on a yacht with Hannah. After Brooke Laughton confronts her about all the liberties she takes with her job, leaving Brooke and even Kasey Cohen to pick up her slack, Hannah responds by storming off, leaving Brooke to finish the dinner clearing up.

A bit later when Hannah is skulking around, trying to spy on Brooke and hoping to catch her talking shit to Jaoa Franco (or slacking at her job), she instead finds her being consoled by Conrad Empson! Karma!

Emily Simpson's marriage in trouble on RHOC?

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was a lesson in marital “How Don’ts.” An exhibit of the worst kinds of marriages and men: The exes of Tamra Judge and Shannon Beador, the Davids, the Simons, and now the Shane’s Oh my! Emily Simpson may have joined this show thinking her quirkily unconventional G-Chat love story was a modern day romance of surrogacy and women who earn equally to men, but one wrong outburst and the house of Hallmark cards came crumbling down on national TV. Shane should’ve known better than to join this show – after all, he hates loud women.

While some of us (ahem, David) think Shannon is too much to handle, she’s just getting started! Which means launching a low-fat food business on QVC so we can all continue on the “weight journey” with her. If eating like Shannon gives you Shannon’s life, I’ll stick to eating cookies! 

Danielle Staub & Marty Cafferty

Danielle Staub‘s publicity stunt marriage is coming to an end quicker than her friendship with Jacqueline Laurita did. Just days after Danielle and estranged husband Marty Caffrey announced their split and filed mutual restraining orders against each other, they’ve now decided to drop them.

After 19 engagements (and lord knows how many marriages) Danielle claimed to have finally met Prince Charming in Marty, whom she married in May during filming for the upcoming season of Real Housewives Of New Jersey. 21st times a charm, maybe?