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Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills camping

The camp fire is where all the ghost stories come out and tonight’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is no exception! You can take the girls out of the ‘Hills, but you can’t take the Beverly Hills dramas out of the girls.

The women hit the road in Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave‘s RV, which I swear is some sort of promotional opportunity presented to her because it is wrapped with this weird sunscreen company logo and is more hideous and tacky than Dorit Kemsley‘s wardrobe. At least on the inside it’s nice, but nice enough to accommodate a several-person glam squad. 

James Kennedy & Raquel Leviss

Last night was the Met Gala and also someone was thrown out of a PTA meeting at my kids’ school when things erupted into a full-on screaming match. Fittingly, it was also part 1 of Vanderpump Rules reunion – so yeah, busy night!

Also as if trying to straddle two events, like she straddles two worlds on Vanderpump Rules, Raquel Leviss‘s reunion dress was the very definition of the Met Gala theme “Camp,” boasting uber-exaggerated shoulders accented by a full duvet of ruffles. It was like a super amped up version of an Alice In Wonderland dress. I loved it. It was almost a perfect representation for the ridiculousness of this show. Raquel came to make a statement that she is here to stay. 

Jax Taylor & Brittany Cartwright

Lord this season of Vanderpump Rules was a boring, self-produced, mess but we still need a three-part reunion, hopefully to put punctuation marks on a lot of the cast’s story so they can move gracefully on to suburbia in their new homes and careers. So why not go out with a bang!

Of course what’s probably going to happen instead is that last season will be treated as a last-hurrah with dueling Stassi Schroeder and Jax Taylor weddings. Or if we’re lucky that becomes its own spinoff. 

Porsha's Having A Baby - Porsha Williams

Last night was part two of Porsha Williams‘ spinoff Porsha’s Having A Baby, which we all know is a prequel to Porsha’s Getting Married, aka the Prenup Drama will rage on.

Porsha is literally 30,000 weeks pregnant and spending her remaining days eating any and every product made from pork. There’s a bacon, there’s sausage, there’s ham steak, there’s honey baked ham, there’s salami, there’s eggs cooked in bacon grease, there’s apple sauce with ham… Wasn’t Porsha vegan at some point?!

It seems like Porsha is focusing on food to avoid all the very real issues in her life. Like Dennis McKinley is living in the basement, and Dennis’ mother, Gina, is literally and figuratively moving in as well, and no one is sure who exactly invited her! Maybe Gina can go into the basement with the rest of Dennis’s stuff?

Tinsley Mortimer at the Circus - Real Housewives Of New York

Last night the Real Housewives Of New York went to the Big Apple Circus where Sonja Morgan lifted a random baby from the lap of the mother who was sitting behind her, and held it in her own lap so the child could get a better look at the action. That baby sat there stoically and dry-eyed as the adult women around her sloshed popcorn-essenced cocktails in her face and probably assumed the wetness on their dress was because the baby pooped herself. You know this child was forever changed, and all-knowing from this experience, and someday, many moons from now will be gracing some future Bravo network as a Real Housealien Of Spaceship Villa Uranus in the year 2075.

Especially because just as randomly this baby’s honorary temporary godmother Sonja Morgan, of the Sexy J performing acrobatics troupe, passed her back to her mother, and hiked up her sequined mini dress before vaulting over the dividing wall right into the center ring to join the clowns. It’s as if Sonja was born for this moment, and never has she felt more at home. To somersault in heels, pantomime, and ad-lib, and if Luann de Lesseps doesn’t incorporate The Sexy J random circus into her cabaret halftime show (sponsored by Dale Mercer, of course) than she’s a bigger fool than even I thought possible.

Jill Zarin On Real Housewives Of New York

You guys… I’m actually excited about this but Jill Zarin is back on tonight’s Real Housewives Of New York! Jill in small doses is sort of a delight and I’m actually glad we get to catch up on her and see how she’s doing after Bobby’s passing.

Of course, lots of other stuff also happens before Jill returns to our screens with a red-headed fury! Tinsley Mortimer runs away with the circus to escape her mother Dale Mercer haranguing her about her break up with Scott Kluth. Being back at the Big Apple Circus makes The Tinz turn into Sonja Morgan as she mourns her former life as New York’s premiere socialite, which spirals into wailing over her split from Scott. 

Lisa Vanderpump - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

I really can’t tell what’s going on with Lisa Vanderpump‘s role on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Obviously they’re not going to kill her off the show before we get the kitchen reveal, right?! But it’s looking like after her most recent blowout with Dorit Kemsley this might be it? Maybe?

Last night the episode opened in two different typical Beverly Hills mornings. Mornings so disparate they might as well have been happening across the globe from each other, like a study in sending kids off to school: Denmark vs. Indonesia.

Kyle Richards wakes up at the crack of dawn to make Portia breakfast in bed, on a monogrammed tray. Except at 10-years-old Portia is still sleeping in bed with Kyle and Maurcio – kinda creepy – so Kyle actually retrieves Portia from her bed, and puts her in her own bed to serve her breakfast. Then Portia doesn’t have time to eat because Kyle spends so much time styling her hair. Kyle thinks this is all just normal good mothering. If you’re Lori Loughlin. Also in Beverly Hills (or Encino) the houses are so big the smell of coffee being made doesn’t wake everyone else up…

Seriously – did Kyle just put socks on her tween, while Portia lounged in bed and sneered at the breakfast tray? Kyle — it’s called POPTARTS, and you can even fit a bag of them in your Vanderhaul. 

Dorit Kemsley - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

If I never have to see Dorit Kemsley make that fake wide-eyed open-mouthed blow-up doll face of surprise again it will be too soon, and maybe with Lisa Vanderpump leaving Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills my wish will come true, especially since tonight seems to be her last and final filming with the cast.

Kyle Richards shares the happy news that her daughter Sophia is headed home for the holidays, but the good vibes end when Kyle’s dog escapes from the yard when someone leaves the gate open during a party. Yes – more dog drama on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills! Let’s hope we’re not treated to 10 episodes of Who Let The Dog Out?!