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Raquel Leviss

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules the quest to destroy James Kennedy continued. Will he be victorious?! Read on to find out…. or at least hear more about what happened.

Back in the trenches of SUR, the dumpster cesspool is oozing with slime and gooey particles as everyone watches the time bomb that is James‘ sex life explode. After calling Katie Maloney too fat for her green shorts, James storms out. He does a lap around the building and ends up at Jax Taylor‘s little bar shack as he is scrambling to remember what goes in a Pumptini.

Stassi Schroeder is just complaining about James being unhinged, and like that moment in a horror movie where you just know the heroine (it pains me to compare Stassi to a heroine) is about to get killed, James lurks right behind wielding an insult about dildos. Does it have spikes – we know Stassi loves those sort of things as weapons!

NeNe Leakes in Destin, FL

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta a couple’s trip turned into a girl’s trip which means people squabbling over petty things like its their job. Oh wait, on this show it is!

Porsha Williams is newly pregnant and realizes she has to work to support this baby! At the Original Hot Dog Factory, that is. She is living the dream – working side by side with her hot dog of a man, Dennis McKinley, while carrying his bun in her oven. This little pork party is broken up by Dennis’s mother “Mama G” who has all eyes on Porsha. Especially her work ethic!

LeeAnne Locken RHOD reunion

Last night was part two of the Real Housewives Of Dallas reunion which also marked the official end of season 3. I have to say of all the Real Housewives franchises, this one is still my favorite.

Sure, Real Housewives Of Dallas could use some tweaking – like please no more Brandi Redmond vs. LeeAnne Locken feuds dominating every season Whew! We have had enough! Having LeeAnne and Brandi become BFF would be totally insincere and producer-driven. I’d like to see them settle into an acquaintanceship where they can have fun together socially (or at least be civil) and leave it at that.

I’d also love to see D’Andra Simmons go back in time and recognize it’s a wig she’s wearing on her head, not a crown, so there is no need to start petty drama with LeeAnne! Those two are much better as friends. They balance each other and have a great dynamic. This season D’Andra got too big for her britches and LeeAnne’s britches already have L’infinity egos. 

Captain Lee reacts to Ashton going overboard

On last night’s Below Deck the crew dealt with a shocking realization. Ashton Pienaar’s fall overboard wasn’t just a dramatic television moment, but that he could’ve lost his life!

Ashton went off the back of the swim platform after stepping into a tow line which wrapped around his ankle. It was exactly like a movie, but this was actual reality and Bravo editing magic had nothing to do with the events! As Captain Lee Rosbach explained while choking up, Ashton was “within 30 seconds” of losing his life, or at the very least his foot!

The most surprising revelation, however, was that Ashton owes his life (and the continuation of his defined tricep muscles) to the rapid reaction of a Below Deck cameraman named Brent. He literally threw down his camera, raced to the side of the boat, and untangled the lines to give Ashton more time, which set him free to swim to the tender to wait until they were in safer water to bring him in! Maybe Brent should be bosun. Something tells me Rhylee Gerber wouldn’t be talking to him with a nasty attitude! 

James Kennedy

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules we learned that James Kennedy was a very busy boy at Coachella. He managed to ruin his friendship with Lala Kent and cheat on his girlfriend while she was passed out in the next room. Where have we heard that before!?

This is obviously going to be the season of James. So far, he’s the only thing anyone seems to be talking about. So he’s probably correct that everyone is obsessed with him. Congratulations on achieving your ultimate goal, White Kanye!

Only in the SURallel universe that is Vanderpump Rules would your ex-girlfriend, who you cheated on, be orchestrating your surprise engagement party with the girlfriend, now fiance, whom you also cheated on. But here we all are and Lisa Vanderpump is the guest of honor, instead of Britnax’d.

Lisa probably wandered into Jax Taylor‘s apartment and marveled that her own bathroom is bigger than the entire place. Then she decided the ring he gave Brittany Cartwright is obviously cubic zirconium from the Alexis Couture Jesus Barbie Bling Collection sold by Gretchen Christine Bootay. Because no one would spend $70k on a ring while living in a place that has parquet floors. Quelle Whorreur!

Shannon and Tamra face off on RHOC reunion

Last night was part three of the Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion. Which means this bizarre season is finally over. Part 3 was all about Shannon Beador, as pretty much every part of everything is. As Shannon said, “I’m sorry for being me me me me me!”

Is Shannon crazy? Is Shannon an emotional wreck? Are the voices in Shannon’s head actually Tamra Judge reading a script from David Beador‘s iPhone on how to manipulate and condescend Shannon into a meltdown? #yes

But first a Kelly Dodd montage! Kelly is dating, dating, dating and ignoring Jolie who Michael Dodd is dating. But Vicki Gunvalson isn’t! Obviously, she is very invested in what is going on in Michael’s life.

Porsha Williams & Dennis McKinley

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta, the boobs were out on full display and bringing plenty of surprises with them! Mostly it was Porsha Williams pulling rabbits and silk scarves and all sorts of tricks out of her bra. Dennis McKinley had one hell of a memorable birthday!

Noelle Robinson is about to leave for Howard University to study dentistry. Since Cynthia Bailey has never even played a college kid on TV, she has no idea what to expect. Like should she teach Noelle about how to handle her liquor now, before she leaves to school by giving her brunch cocktails? Should she cut Noelle’s food, and open her juice boxes, and make sure she’s buckled into her car seat? Should she go to college too and live in the apartments next to the dorm? Or IN the dorm?! Can Mike Hill stay over in said dorm? So many worries!

RHOD-Reunion-Dandra-Simmons-Real-Housewives-Of-Dallas

The ladies of Real Housewives Of Dallas entered the ring with their guns blazing, their stilettos sharpened like razors, and their eyes shooting daggers through the 64 layers of wet look eyeshadow. Their dresses are designed to blind, confuse, and kill as all the sequins reflect off everyone’s egos causing insanity.

I actually think Andy Cohen was on fire last night and was a great moderator; pushing back against the nastiness and crap.

This reunion is all about D’Andra Simmons, and her feuds with literally everyone. Which is apt because the very first thing that was discussed was Beaver Creek and the fight D’Andra had with LeeAnne Locken over who is the queen of Real Housewives Of Dallas.