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Cynthia Bailey Real Housewives Of Atlanta

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta the tables turned on relationships everywhere and Cynthia Bailey‘s thirst was finally quenched!

Mike Hill is in town, and when Mike is in town Cynthia is anything but #CHill, ironically. Trying to prepare us for greatness and a truly epic moment, the editors provide a black and white montage (like the dark ages before TV was truly fiction) of Mike preparing to propose. Including asking Cynthia’s mom and sister for permission. Unlike last time when they were – wisely! – hiding the marriage license hours before the ceremony, this time they are overjoyed!

Things turn technicolor when Mike brings Noelle, along with his own two daughters, to the jewelry store to pick up the ring.

Kelly Dodd Real Housewives Of Orange County Season 14 Reunion Part 1

Wow – last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion was vicious on a level I haven’t seen since the heyday of Real Housewives Of New Jersey!

Vicki Gunvalson had a full-fledged meltdown, was stripped bare, and we were left with the skeletal remains of her original face. It continues in Part 2! Vicki’s entire identity is wrapped up in RHOC so when threatened with that loss, her true self came skulking out with a vengeance. Think Golom chasing the golden ring. I gotta say – I sort of love it. Part 1 of this trilogy, it was the Tres Amigas vs Kelly Dodd, with a little bit of Emily and Gina by their side. And it looks like Part 2 goes even darker.

First of all for the outfits, everyone looked awful. I actually thought Vicki and Emily Simpson, in their velvet dresses looked the best, but Emily’s makeup looked like she let Shane apply it as part of some trust therapy session. Emily and Shane are the new David and Shannon Beador. ‘Studying for the bar’ is Shane’s version of an affair, being that he’s Mormon and all. He’s so checked out of that marriage he might as well be in Italy frolicking naked in the forrest with his new girlfriend. Don’t forget the sock!

Kameron Westcott Real Housewives Of Dallas

Last night was the season finale of Real Housewives Of Dallas and I’m gonna miss these girls. Well except for LeeAnne Locken. I won’t miss her.

Last night showed us The Rise of The Kam as Kameron Westcott, our tall beautiful starling soared free from the barbed wire nest LeeAnne built for her on the side of a Highland Park mansion. HA — as if LeeANne could afford anything but a bus stop in Highland Park! Well, we know why the caged bird sings about baby elephants, right.

In Thailand, where LeeAnne’s xenophobia reared it’s ugly be-weaved and overly injected head, Kam wrestled with her conscience about whether or not to tell Kary Brittingham that LeeAnne not only called her THE C WORD, but made multiple slurs about her being Mexican. Like that little gem when LeeAnne affected an overplayed Mexican accent and asked Stephanie Hollman if Kary might be able to understand them better if they “spoke Mexican.” Newp – not racist at all!

Tamra Judge Real Housewives Of Orange County

Last night was the season finale of Real Housewives Of Orange County and with all the chaos, the only thing I could think about was that Gina Kirschenheiter is actually MOVING her word art collection. Like it’s priceless art. Frankly I’m surprised she wasn’t selling it to Sothebys. But seriously you guys, just like her marriage and her ex-man, that stuff is garbage!

Gina decided to reconcile with Matt, and she is glowing like a teenager with a crush as she tells Emily Simpson that he’s truly changed. Gina believes this is a second chance at their marriage. They’ve sold their Coto home and are moving some place new and fresh, and Gina doesn’t even worry about what Matt’s doing in LA.

Well, just like Gina cut the dead ends off her hair, she needs to cut off Matt! Emily knows this, but she tries to be supportive. We can see in others what we can’t see in ourselves, right!

Kate Chastain Below Deck

This season of Below Deck is a total and utter clusterf–k! The crew isn’t getting along, the guests continue to be disappointed by something each week, and now we can add equipment malfunctions to the lists. Good times!

After Kate Chastain sorted laundry on the crew mess floor in front of Captain Lee Rosbach, who seriously looked on as impassively as if he was an insomniac flicking through informercials at 3am, Ashton Pienaar blows a gasket about how Kate treating the crew so callously has created a culture where no one wants to work with her. Really?

Kate is so upset she bursts into tears and winds up falling asleep sobbing as Rhylee Gerber strokes her back and covers her. Which was sweet. Have we ever seen emotions other than anger for Kate? Have we entered a new dimension?

Porsha Williams Real Housewives Of Atlanta RHOA

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta went deep into toxic relationships.

Cynthia Bailey is doing anything to make #CHill a permanent arrangement. Cynthia is even cleaning out her closet so she can convince Mike Hill to move to Lake Bailey. Basically she wants to hold Mike captive there, and he would easily be buried alive in the mess that Cynthia calls a closet!

Kenya Moore comes over to do a closet consult and is appalled by the hoarder situation she sees. Cynthia’s closet may be a mess, but her new interview look is sublime!

Kameron Westcott Real Housewives Of Dallas

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Dallas took me on an emotional journey.  I don’t know who’s more manipulative LeeAnne Locken or Kameron Westcott, but at least Kameron has pretty clothes and can talk about something other than a carny childhood.

LeeAnne is certifiably exhausting and I honestly don’t even want to waste breath (words) on more of her broken-down rusty nonsense. My natural hair follicles are tired! My diva cup is tired! And like Brandi Redmond, my patience is more tired than if I had just spent the day babysitting Brooklyn.

Brandi just wants to eat a freaking dinner without having to endure a tirade of fake tears watering down the cocktails. The best thing Brandi did was totally disengaging from that shit-storm of emotional BS that is Life Of Locken. And the best thing D’Andra Simmons did was sit there, stay the course, and remind us of why we initially liked her. This is a new D’Andra. A D’Andra who recognizes herself in Kameron as the friend who was constantly LeeAnne’s emotional stomping ground, her therapy dog, always on the hook for dealing with the drama. Now D’Andra has been released from this silk purse made from a piece of pleather that was masquerading as a relationship.

Kate Chastain Below Deck

Last night’s Below Deck was brought to you by booze and the patriarchy, which, as history has shown us time and time again, is a terrible combination. Luckily we had Rhylee Gerber to be a good counterbalance! Well, kinda.

After a short easy charter of moms wanting to relive their glory days chasing Captain Lee The Grateful Dead, Captain Lee rewards the crew with a mid-season skip day. Usually this means binge drinking at a touristy resort, but Thailand’s added bonus means they get to spend an additional afternoon off at an elephant sanctuary.