On tonight’s Below Deck Mediterranean the final charter guests board the Sirocco for a lovely adventure of fun, sun, and relaxation. Well, that’s what’s supposed to happen anyway…
The last charter means that we’re almost at the end of this momentous season of Below Deck Med. And since there won’t be a reunion (WHY? Did Bravo ever offer a reason? I have my theories…) it looks like next week is actually the finale.
Last night, the Real Housewives Of Dallas traveled to Careyes, Mexico to visit Kary Brittingham‘s amazing family resort. Unfortunately, LeeAnne Locken forgot to pack her positivity panties and instead was like the human equivalent of having a yeast infection on vaycay. LeeAnne should’ve stay-away-cayed so Kameron Westcott could’ve fit another grande bago on the plane instead.
It’s just a casual morning here in Dallas, where our favorite Housewives are preparing for their day. Most people stumble to the coffee pot, but Kameron is perfectly coiffed with her eyelashes affixed, and is calmly blowing up a whoopee cushion then inviting Court to sit down. Kameron apparently didn’t know what a whoopee cushion is because she made a face like Court shoved a K-Cup up his hoo-hah during an impromptu pageant amongst friends in a private home. Class, Court, Claaaaaaays.
Meanwhile, Travis Hollman just got Housewiv’d! No, that’s not what he calls having sex with Stephanie Hollman. It’s when one receives an ultimate arrogant social slight. In this case, D’Andra Simmons stands Travis up for a business meeting, because her hair was getting did all night. D’Andra never even bothered to tell Travis directly that she needed to reschedule. Instead, she texted Stephanie at 1:30 am to cancel because she had a hair emergency. Suuuuper profesh, Daaandra!
Tonight is the first cast trip for this season’s Real Housewives Of Dallas, and the ladies are going all out to newbie Kary Brittingham‘s fabulous Mexican resort. I mean, seriously, the luxury on this show parallels only RHOBH – and I LOVE it!
However before these ladies play hard, they must work hard. Or, hardly! D’Andra Simmons‘ company is floundering so Stephanie Hollman arranges for D’Andra to meet with Travis for some advice in how to save Green Miracle.
Ahhhh… the Shannon Beador show is back on Real Housewives Of Orange County. We all knew this nice, thoughtful, peace-loving Shannon couldn’t last. Somebody moved a leaky faucet to her sanity corner!
Still, you gotta feel bad for Shannon. She tried to plan a relaxing trip to the exclusive Miraval so the women could find peace and serenity (now!), but she’s friends with people like Kelly Dodd and Vicki Gunvalson. So it all went to pot – or should I say, dong. But first, sexxy.
Emily Simpson is headed to Vegas for her dance debut and Braunwyn Windham-Burke is joining her on the PJ.
Well, you can take the Real Housewives Of Orange County out of the gilded prison that is the gates of Coto, but you can’t take the Coto out of the girls! Which means that on a supposed wellness retreat to the Miraval in Arizona, everything goes to pot. Or should I say… bowl.
Before seeking serenity, Kelly Dodd seeks financial freedom and security when she invests in a new health drink (with an ironic name) and heads to a wellness expo to practice her pitch on prospective buyers.
Not a day goes by on Below Deck Mediterranean without kitchen issues, bad weather and Captain Sandy Yawn throwing a “Sandtrum” – aka, a Sandy tantrum – about something, then getting over it 2 seconds later to direct her wrath at someone else.
Sandy has 2 speeds: hugs and snugs – I love you like bananas, ice cream, and motor yacht docking – or screams and yells. After a season of flying under the radar, Joao Franco and Hannah Ferrier both finally found themselves in Sandy’s crosshairs. Meanwhile, Travis Michalzik got all the love a Sandy can offer. You know it’s the end of the season when the chief stew and the bosun are in trouble!
High winds are rocking the Mediterranean as fall approaches, which is why it’s a bad idea to book your motor yacht vacation during discount season – especially if you’re prone to seasickness as guest Deana is. She’s literally crawling on the floor, moaning like her entrails are being ripped out. Hannah escorts her upstairs and gently rubs the inside of her wrists to help regain equilibrium. It’s not quite a taint, but Hannah jokes that she assumed her hand job days are over. Are they ever? Especially if one hopes to net a 65-year-old millionaire!
As the charter season comes to an end on Below Deck Mediterranean tensions are high as fatigue and apathy sets in, causing Captain Sandy Yawn to yell at Hannah Ferrier for being lazy.
Hannah has spent all season bragging about her dream team of stews, whom she gets along with so well. Unfortunately, Hannah is doing too much of being a friend and not enough being a leader.
Captain Sandy has noticed the quality slipping. Especially compared to the lengths chef Ben Robinson is going to impress the guests at their White Party final supper.
On last night’s Real Housewives Of Dallas D’Andra Simmons celebrated her 50th birthday by asking all her friends to make fun of her on national TV. Then she got a big box of donuts for a present. To each their own, I suppose!
Here in Dallas we don’t just do squats. We electrocute our gluteus muscles with electrodes attached to every part of our bodies while we “sim-u-late” a 1987 Curves workout. Well, this is what Stephanie Hollman and Kameron Westcott are doing instead of hitting the gym and getting CoolSculpting. It’s called “90/20.” It goes through the motions of a 90 minute exercise while you wear some biomedical lab catsuit which is supposed to deeply sculpt all your muscles in 2o minutes.
Doing this gives Stephanie more time to eat corn nuts or pickles off Travis‘ chest. Or you know, whatever. It’s also been a great opportunity for Steph and Kam to bond away from the group and all the drama of D’Andra and LeeAnne Locken.