Vanderpump Rules Reunion Part 1 Recap: Awful Awards

Ugh – I am losing my patience for “Jax Taylor‘s show.” Jax needs to get off his high – very, very <snort, snort> high horse, and take Lisa Vanderpump‘s advice to “SHUT UP.” Lala Kent needs to come down with him. I do not need to see this jump off, with a face so inflated with fillers she looks like a balloon, tell anyone how to live. So are the days of Vanderpump Rules when the most awful people sanctimoniously judge others.

So much chaos in a zoom reunion. Even more so than in a regular old ‘on the stage’ reunion. The best though t’was Lisa chastising Andy Cohen for essentially showing up in his sweats. At the very least he could put on a low-cut satin blouse!

Jax and Tom Sandoval are rocking some serious facial hair. Is it like some sort of sign that they’re going to fight? Like they will start by throwing chairs at their computer screens, then throw the actual computers, then mutually run out their neighboring homes, race across the street and start brawling in the front lawn until they’re ticketed for breaking quarantine?

Tom 2 will stand there, yanking on the hem of his muumuu in distress, whining that they should just have a Coors Light and work it out. Seriously though — one them is definitely going to have to move. I vote Tom and Ariana Madix. Why did they move to the Valley anyway?


RELATED – Vanderpump Rules Season Finale Recap: A Last Goodbye?

Vanderpump Rules Max Boyens Dayna Kathan

So exciting times – we learn that Max Boyens is far more dastardly than we thought. If only this had made the show… Andy grills Max about sleeping with Scheana Marie for an AppleWatch, then moving onto Dayna Kathan for a storyline, and finally really licking the bottom of the barrel with Scheana’s doppleganger. HOWEVER scandala – while filming was happening. While Dayna was obsessed with Max and dating him. MAX SECRETLY SLEPT WITH KRISTEN DOUTE.

Vanderpump Rules Stassi Schroeder Beau Clark

Oh, the glory of it all! Stassi Schroeder‘s mouth dropped. James Kennedy exploded with glee and vindication. Dayna was furious. Kristen and Max argue that they were both single at the time so it was just a casual hook-up. Twice.

Vanderpump Rules Kristen Doute

Stass is livid because here is Kristen, once again, doing something shady but not fessing up to it. Scheana is her friend but she’s sleeping with her ex and hiding it. Even worse Kristen pretended to be friends with Dayna, listened to Dayna obsess about how much she liked Max and was hurt by him, yet never, ever said a word. James feels so exalted at Kristen’s lack of personal growth that he screams at her. Kristen really brings out the worst in James. Furthermore, Stassi wants to know when Kristen was ever really single? Has that ever mattered to Kristen? “Single” is like a situational obstacle to Kristen.


RELATED – Vanderpump Rules Star Stassi Schroeder Is Tired Hearing She’s A “Mean Girl” Because She Doesn’t Want To Be Friends With Kristen Doute


Of course the big trouble of this reunion is Jax. I really wish he would just GO AWAY. And take Lala and Brittany Cartwright with him in some sort of sister wives of satan situation. Brittany’s hair looks like she stuck her finger in an electric socket, then coated her head in Crisco. Or perhaps she really did dip her head in a deep fry to drown out the sound of Jax talking? It is fried and frozen and all kinds of horrid. Then she has on this garnish unflattering lipstick. I feel like Brittany is cracking … She just looks dreadful. All the fresh has run right out of her. Jax, meanwhile, looks much the same: smug, taught, and completely unaware of his own stupidity. The sideburns are a perfect illustration of this.

Jax and Brittany still believe they have a leg to stand on regarding the ‘pasture; they pretended not to know was a homophobe. Frankly, I’m disgusted people on this cast are still defending their actions here. Jax even blamed Brittany – throwing her right under the bus that it was “her pastor.” Great husband! Lies – all of it. They knew, thought they’d get away with it, and are pissed that Tom 1 wouldn’t keep up the facade. Jax blames Ariana for Tom refusing to stay in line.


RELATED – Vanderpump Rules Star Jax Taylor Says Tom Sandoval Didn’t Let Ariana Madix’s Brother Work At Tom Tom Because He “Doesn’t Have The Right Look”; Claims Tom Sandoval Mistreats Tom Schwartz

Vanderpump Rules Charli Burnett

I did love that Charli Burrnett shoved a plastic nail right through Jax’s bullshit and called him out for what he is: past his prime and pathetic. Sure, it’s age-shaming, but he’s shamed every other person for every other type of way and deserves it. He refuses to sincerely apologize for mocking Ariana’s sexuality, then dismisses his comments justified because he just doesn’t like her and was trying to be mean. Yeah, dickwad, that’s exactly what makes it so WRONG.

The worst is that Lala defended him, and does so here. She offers no legitimate reason for why she didn’t speak up. Later Lala, champions of the marginalized and maligned gold digger, complains that she’s participated in the ostracizing of Tom and Ariana because Ariana didn’t treat her tenderly while she was grieving. Oh, you mean when Lala was calling Raquel Leviss a stupid c**t bitch and trying to bash her head in at SUR? That Lala thinks she deserves grace and good friendship? NO. Why Ariana bothered apologizing was beyond me. Lala doesn’t deserve anyone’s tenderness and care. Especially since a couple weeks ago she was on social media bashing Tom and Ariana as bad friends an defending how Jax was treating them.

Vanderpump Rules Lala Kent

Hilariously, now that Lala is engaged she swiftly stopped loving on Mandall‘s dick. So I guess no more BJ for PJ lectures about feminism? My how I’ll miss those words of enlightenment…


RELATED – Vanderpump Rules Star Lala Kent Says She & Randall Emmett Have Almost Broken Up A Dozen Times In Quarantine


Jax truly does believe Vanderpump Rules is his show, and is in for a rude awakening when Lisa revenge fires him. Which you know is coming. Charli hints at this when she calls him out for saying nasty stuff about her twitter, then pretending he doesn’t know who she is. Shockingly it is Scheana who comes to Charli’s defense and all the newbies’ defense by reminding Jax that all of them are on the same show and putting forth the same effort.


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Vanderpump Rules Scheana Marie

Sometimes Scheana is smarter than she looks. She knows what side her bread is buttered on, and if she wants to stay on Vanderpump Rules payroll she has to play by the rules. Not Jax’s egotistical batshit crazy rules, but Lisa and Andy’s. And it is abundantly clear that a sea change is taking place at SUR. After this season’s editing Scheana deserves some redemption. Also I personally love Charli.

So back to Tom and Jax. Everyone seems to believe Tom 1 was in the wrong for questioning the pastor on camera. Tom insists he was trying to protect Jax, since he knew it was going to come out on the show and he wanted to give Jax a chance to defend himself. Tom 2 thinks Jax felt attacked. Um, he deserved it. Jax was homophobic and mysoginist this season, then acted like Tom was a hypocrite for not firing Max over his racist tweets from 10 years ago.

Vanderpump Rules Lisa Vanderpump

It finally takes Lisa snapping at Jax to shut up and reminding him that Tom 1 has a 5% ownership in stake in TomTom and does not have the authority to outright fire staff. Mic drop. Lisa wants Max here, feels he is contrite, and is continuing to employ him. Max did seem contrite, although how ironic that on a day dubbed “Black Out Tuesday,” when we are experiencing mass protests over the disgusting killing of unarmed black Americans at the hands of police, Bravo is choosing to air a discussion about racism in the most thoughtless, uninformed, and unexamined way. What else can be expected from this network though?

The problem is that Jax has exhausted all his brownie points with Tom. And Tom has aaaaalooooot of Brownie Points in his oven. Also, since his house has no furniture there is plenty of room for brownie mixes! Sure, Tom makes mistakes – he was totally out of line freaking out on Stassi over the Tom Tom book party. Obviously his ire stemmed from bravo choosing to highlight Stassi’s book but not his – even though he won’t admit it.


RELATED – Ariana Madix Shares Why She’s Frustrated Her Book Wasn’t Featured On Vanderpump Rules


His excuse was negligible and silly, but Stassi seems over it. Plus Jax has raged texted 10:1 over Tom’s lone freak-out. Therein lies the problem – Jax is graded on a curve in this group. The standards for him are so much lower, while Tom 1 has always been on stilts. Finally, it seems, he and Ariana are tired of it. They can do no right, whereas Jax – a man who has for over 20 years literally done no right by nobody – can do no wrong according to the sick twisted metrics of his friend group, who behave like the victims of emotional abuse.

Jax doesn’t like Ariana because she doesn’t put up with his shit, and furthermore she encourages Tom to draw boundaries and call him out. Ariana is the opposite of pathetic Brittany’s whose life stoped at getting married; groom unimportant. Ariana and Tom put into stark contrast just how hollow the tenants of Jax and Brittany’s existence are: phony pastures, overly sprayed hair, and nonstop visits to a gym being their parables of function. The only reason people keep them around is because focusing on Jax and Brittany’s awfulness, leaves less time for Bravo to focus on the awfulness of the remaining cast members. Hence why it was never found out that Kristen and Max had sex. Way better drama than Jax’s castle in the cow field wedding.

Vanderpump Rules Jax Taylor Brittany Cartwright

Brittany cries and whines that dealing with her homophobic pasture was the hardest time in her life. Really? Tom questioning her on top of it was too much. SERIOUSLY? The cameras panned to Charli, Danica Dow, and Dayna at that moment, all of them looking at Brittany like she’s literally the dumbest person alive. I’ll give Brittany the benefit of the doubt: knowing that you are throwing your dignity, self-respect, and life away for a televised wedding to Jax Taylor is probably pretty tough to swallow. Tougher than beer cheese on a stale cracker, but Brittany chose this. She made her bed, as they say.


RELATED – Vanderpump Rules Star Scheana Marie Says Tom Sandoval’s Feud With Jax Taylor “Hurts Her Soul”; Says Tom Was Just Looking Out For Jax

Vanderpump Rules Tom Sandoval Ariana Madix

Tom who has taketh and taketh and taketh until his taker has cracked, explodes that Jax has never had a better friend than him. Meanwhile Jax has done more fucked up stuff to Tom than anyone in his entire life. Then things get interesting: as Tom is frothing with the rage runneth over, he reveals that Jax uninvited him to the wedding hoping Tom would surprise him by showing up. Jax was self-producing. That way he could turn Tom away, or stage some big scene at the wedding. Tom also reveals that Jax expected his mom to show up, despite all the crap he’s said about her.

Lala whines that parents are off limits, while Jax shrieks that Tom is an awful person. Really? Takes one to know one… I want to hear more about this. Obviously I believe Tom’s account. He is an earnest person who has proven his friendship and loyalty to almost everyone.

Jax is the awful person. I agree with Charli – it’s time for him to get off Lisa’s show and make his own way in the world.


[Photo Credits: Bravo]