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Ashton Pienaar Below Deck

This season of Below Deck is toxic in the extreme. Every single episode is like Game Of Thrones — with shammies and champagne. I need Xanax to even get through an episode of trying to figure out who’s the double-agent villain or the actual heroine.

I love Kate Chastain, and I cannot imagine enduring what’s happening on that boat with such a stiff upper lip, let alone rising above it, but I think we can all agree it was out of line for Kate to repeat to Rhylee Gerber that Ashton Pienaar blamed her for the fishing episode. Should Kate have spoken to Captain Lee Rosbach to disavow Ashton’s claims? Absolutely, but sharing it with Rhylee directly, when the situation is already so irascible, smacked of Kate wanting to enact some revenge. Ashton deserved it, but the fall guy (or girl) here is now Rhylee.

Porsha Williams Real Housewives Of Atlanta

Last night the Real Housewives Of Atlanta continued their trip to Canada to celebrate Carnival. Maybe soon we’ll actually get to see this famous Carnival?!

Tanya Sam is full of surprise guests (and other unwelcome surprises) on this trip to Canada, isn’t she? First Nene Leakes crashes the rooftop happy hour for a 24-hour wham, bam, no-thank you, ma’am drama causing. Then Tanya hides Dennis McKinley in her suitcase so he can re-propose to Porsha Williams against their counselor’s advice.

LeeAnne Locken Real Housewives Of Dallas

Last night was part 1 of the Real Housewives Of Dallas reunion and it was more than abundantly clear that everyone was ready for the LeeAnne Locken stranglehold to end. Those hands… they are stuffed and swollen with filler and cannot hold on!! Even Andy Cohen was geared up for battle.

And then there was Kameron Westcott who made up her own language, which was a combination of gibberish and pig latin, and I’m pretty sure she prepared for this reunion by watching Legally Blonde and believing she was winning at court. (She wasn’t).

First Brandi Redmond updates everyone on the status of adopting Bruin’s sibling. Brandi and Bryan had made the decision to go through with the adoption but the birth mother unfortunately lost the baby. Brandi took the news hard and the only person she told was real-life BFF Stephanie Hollman

Kate Chastain Below Deck

This season of Below Deck is so utterly disappointed I’m actually dreading watching it. The unchecked misogyny is out of control and it’s disgusting the way almost the entire male crew is actively attempting to gaslight most of the female crew. The exception in both these cases seem to be Brian de Saint Pern and Courtney Skippon, who maybe are protected by a bubble of love. Or at least like. Like, that in Courtney’s case, is probably al dente.

After being physically threatened and screamed at by Ashton Pienaar in his drunken “Smashton’ state Kate Chastain has disappeared from the boat. She literally walks off into the night, telling the producers and film crew to fuck off.

I like to imagine production tracked Kate down and put her up in a 5-star hotel, then gave her a bonus a spa treatment. Kate must have felt incredibly afraid and uncomfortable to walk off into the night in a foreign country where she doesn’t speak the language or know anyone outside of the Super Yacht. The only person who is at all concerned and tries to stop her is Rhylee Gerber. And the next morning Rhylee is the only person who actually remembers what happened.

Nene Leakes arrives in Toronto Real Housewives Of Atlanta

Last night the Real Housewives Of Atlanta headed to Toronto, Canada to celebrate Carnival, and a surprise guest had them all wishing they had just stayed home!

Tanya Sam is a Toronto native who grew up experiencing Carnival and just wants to share it with her friends. Right away, you know this trip is going to be a disaster because instead of inviting her friends, Tanya is bringing the Real Housewives Of Atlanta. Also, she invited Nene Leakes, who rudely didn’t RSVP, and instead literally showed up, hours after the other ladies had arrived.

Good thing Marlo Hampton considers NeNe her sissy, because Marlo’s passport was stolen at the airport and she’s trapped in Canada. The rest of the women can at least bail on MeMe!

Braunwyn Windham-Burke Real Housewives Of Orange County

Finally we have reached the end of the line with Real Housewives Of Orange County. It has been a long and confusing season of many Housewives I do not particularly like. Tamra Judge, I am looking at you. Furthermore I am so thankful I will no longer have to type Brauwnyn Windham-Burke‘s exhausting name, as exhausting as the woman herself, every week. Ugh.

Among the many revelations from part 3 of the reunion, we learned that skanky behavior has always been a cornerstone of the show’s foundation and Andy Cohen will not have you argue it any other way. Boobs out, girls!

We open with Vicki Gunvalson accusing Braunwyn of violating the show’s moral compass, causing Vicki to lose 2 clients. I’m sorry, so dating cancer scamming Brooks Ayers meets Vici’s clients “moral compass”? Andy reminds Vicki that she has flashed her tits at the dinner table, given fake blow jobs (in addition to plenty of low blows) and participated in the Naked Wasted episode with Gretchen Rossi, so why the revisionist history??

Kelly Dodd Real Housewives Of Orange County

OK, so once again rolling in super tardy with a recap. This time for part 2 of the Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion. Sorry Vicki Gunvalson – I respect Christmas more than I respect you!

Legit question, though: Vicki wasn’t even a ‘Housewife’ this season, yet she is the star of this reunion? There she is, sitting in the supremo spot next to Andy Cohen, and at this point 3/4 of the reunion has been dedicated to dissecting Vicki’s antics and her fights on the show.

Part 2 was all about Vicki’s failed friendship with Kelly Dodd, and once again they promised to bury the hatchet in each other’s backs. First, though, they rehash the train rumor, the cocaine allegation, the throw mama down the stairs off a train tale, the broken hand in a bar con-woman catfight… You know, all the classics!

Kate Chastain Below Deck

I apologize for the delay in this recap, but I was suffused in a cookie-filled delirium that included nonstop holiday parties and preparations. With New Years Eve literally on the horizon, followed by our annual (MASSIVE) New Years Day brunch, I keep repeating to myself “Home Stretch!” Which is much like this season of Below Deck!

We are in the home stretch here and things are gonna get worse before they (hopefully) get better. In my case the thing that will get worse is my waistline! Please, please, please let some Good Samaritan break into my house and steal only the cookies, cakes, and other holiday treats before I turn into a marshmallow who roams around just absorbing other sweets until I am taking over the entirety of a grocery store in a mad quest for sugar.

Anyway, on with the show!