Denise Richards Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Denise Richards

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Escape To Witch Mountain

Last night the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills went to Santa Barbara and all they did was fight. Here a fight, there a fight, everywhere a fight-fight!

Back when Kyle Richards believed anyone cared about the movie she filmed, or more specifically cared about the Saga of Kyle: These are the Kaftans of Our Lives, she invited all the ladies to Santa Barbara. It was really to celebrate the end of her bangs. Literally Kyle went to Santa Barbara and immediately started sweeping back the bangs.

Of course no one cares about Kyle unless they’re making her cry or trying to get her all worked up until Mauricio has to  blow smoke – literally – up her ass. Everyone meets at Kyle’s house to make the long, arduous drive through the steep hills and rocky cliffs to a house perched on the side of a mountain in Santa Barbara where no one can hear them scream. Escape TO witch mountain. Or maybe Kyle can no longer separate horror film from horror reality?

Dorit Kemsley arrives at Kyle’s first, conspicuously un-glammed. Dorit totally did this on purpose. She and Kyle sit down in Kyle’s ‘office’ of failed dreams, where deflated kaftans double as kurtains, and those kurtains are all closed on Kyle’s perceived importance. Even though Kyle is the one who made a big, huge deal about Dorit doing glam at the All In retreat, which spiraled into a long drawn out fight which culminated with not one but, two crying fits at parties, Kyle now wants to forget the whole thing and ‘move on’ because now she considers Dorit her friend.


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More like Kyle realizes Dorit will not let this go so she better make nice. The other women will back Dorit, and Kyle will wind up being a target. Dorit pretends to be conciliatory, but is still irritated and hurt. Although we can’t tell cause those feelings are hidden behind a screen of glitter that spells out CHA NEL right over Dorit’s face. Kyle also still has tension with Erika Jayne, whose feelings – of whatever semblance of feelings Erika has kicking around in her hair follicles – are hurt.

Kyle is also still bothered over being accused of having couples therapy for anxiety with Teddi Mellencamp. I think that’s a ridiculous and faaaaaa-reaching accusation too, but Dorit explains that if Kyle would just admit that she’s closer to Teddi there wouldn’t be a problem. Instead Kyle pretends everyone is just imagining her perceived extra closeness with Teddi when in reality she’s equally tight with all the ladies. Friendship is like a corset and all corsets cinch your waist to Kardashian-sized. Basically, according to the dogma of Kyle all her friendships are created equally tight.

Denise Richards is meeting them later, after wrapping up filming for The Bold & The Beautiful, which basically means they’ll have ample time to talk shit about her and formulate a plan to attack her before she arrives! Lo and behold that’s exactly what happens!


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The house in Santa Barbara is utterly gorgeous and has 7 bedrooms, which means no one can be accused of secret love connections with their secret BFF. How thoughtful! Instead, everyone will be discussing fake threesomes with their fake friends.

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Erika Jayne Dorit Kemsley

While Denise is hard at work, the other women hit a wine tasting where they get toasty and start trashing her for being judgmental. No one understands how Denise, a woman who talks about happy endings, could be offended that threesomes were discussed at a dinner party within earshot of her children. I think Denise has a right to expect some semblance of respect from her friends. She asked them to be quiet, and they ignored her. Now they’re annoyed that she’s annoyed.

I also don’t understand why these women don’t get that it’s fine to discuss dick size with your girlfriends, but would you really be having that conversation in front of your kids? For Kyle to pretend she’d be OK with this is preposterous. And for Erika to snipe that Denise’s 14 year old has probably already had a threesome is lewd and disgusting. That Dorit is the only person who seems to comprehend why Denise may be upset is pretty strange. Maybe this is Dorit’s way of repaying Denise for defending her to Kyle?


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This also gives credence to Denise’s instance that her having an affair with Brandi Glanville is largely exaggerated. Clearly, this is Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills‘ version of revenge porn – or fauxvenge porn. What better way to illustrate Denise being a hypocrite than to claim proof she had her own threesome? However the quandary still stands: even if Denise and Brandi hooked up, was Denise doing it in front of her kids at the dinner table? Did Denise and Brandi fuck on a pizza, or an ice sculpture, while the tweens texted in the background? No, they did not! Also, I certainly hope Erika was not having threesomes at 14.

Just as they’re all talking about Denise under the guise of Kyle pretending she wants to apologize, Denise walks in. She’s over it from the very second she sits down. After being up since 4 and filming all day, she doesn’t want to deal. She’s hanging out with the wrong crowd. After leaving the wine tasting they go back to the house for dinner where Lisa Rinna immediately starts quizzing Denise about why she decided to do Wild Things and how she felt about her dad seeing her have an on-screen threesome. Lipsa then wonders if Denise’s daughters have seen the movie, and according to Denise they haven’t. Lipsa doesn’t believe her.


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Lipsa even claims to be relieved that her kids read in ‘Rinnovation’ about how to give blow jobs. So, Lisa Rinna who won’t even let her kids use a microwave in NYC unsupervised is totally fine with her kids knowing about oral sex at age 11? Lisa Rinna who threw a glass in Kim Richards‘ face when she even dared to mention Harry Hamlin, doesn’t think Denise has a right to be protective over her kids?

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Erika Jayne

Also even IF Denise’s daughters have seen Wild Thing and googled Tiger Blood, having a private life with their peers versus discussing these things with their parents (or in front of them) is different. Just as adults can make that demarkation. The bottom line as Teddi, the lone sober person at the table will later make, is that Erika is salty because she feels judged by Denise. Erika even outs herself when she accuses Denise of calling her a bad mom.

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Sutton Stracke

Sutton Stracke suggests that in the future Denise just not invite the kids to what is technically an adult party, but Denise snaps that it’s her house so she’ll have a goddamn diamond ice sculpture if she damn-well pleases! By the way Eloise chose that ice sculpture and that’s why people – ahem KYLE – shouldn’t judge what goes on behind closed doors. Denise even references that days before she filed for divorce from Charlie they were on the red carpet smiling when they’d been fighting in the limo all the way to the premiere.


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Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Dorit Kemsley

Where I’m not with Denise is that she’s using her kids to mask her own uncomfortableness. She pretends Sammi broached the threesome subject with her, after overhearing the talk at dinner, but the reality is Denise asked Sammi. Sammi thought the whole thing was gross, yet hilarious. Erika is right these teens were totally mocking the old bags for trying to seem cool by talking about sex, when in reality these kids see them as has-been weirdo moms. When Erika asked about Sammi’s reaction, Denise immediately clammed up (jammed up with her clam up) and declared that she was done talking about this and her kids. Then decided it was time for bed.


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Now Denise is caught in a lie. She should’ve stuck to her story that she personally was uncomfortable, especially given that the other parents know that Charlie Sheen and his tiger blooded hookers are a factor in her kids’ lives, so Denise wants to go overboard with the wholesomeness. Oh, and Denise did not accept Kyle’s insecure apology – instead, she called Kyle fake in a roundabout way and told her to stop judging everyone. Touche!

Sutton is also struggling with this group – she slept poorly with all the unresolved tension and is relieved that someone – like her ‘good friend’ Lisa Rinna is bringing the issues to the surface. Sutton admits to feeling like no one is ever on solid, safe ground – even in flats – and loyalties are a semantical concept, not an indicator of friendship. She just wants to have fun. She wants to race golf carts, swill wine, and share couture. She does not want to share grievances and swill petty fights. Bitterness is not a good note in any wine.

Why wakeup with coffee when fighting gets the adrenaline really going? That’s apparently why Lipsa decides that over breakfast it’s time to play her favorite game: Hot Seat, Hot PoorTato. The way you play is when you know all your friends are having issues, you announce that it’s time to clear the air by sharing true feelings so everyone can work through it. What actually happens is more fights are caused.

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Dorit Kemsley

In this case, Dorit is hurt that Kyle said she’s not close with Erika, and Erika is hurt that Kyle said she doesn’t have good friends. Not for nothin, but I’m on ol’ Splits’ side here. She has split these two right down the middle of their own insecurities. What good friends does Erika have? Mikey? And Dorit is a hot mess of untrustworthiness that no one can truly be close with, least of all Erika – an approximation of a human who is made of 85% recycled plastic.


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Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Kyle Richards Erika Jayne

Instead of just apologizing Kyle does what Kyle always does: she makes an “in that moment that’s how I felt” excuse to justify her actions as reactions to being provoked. Erika is not having it. She doubles-down on calling Teddi and Kyle a package deal,  and then Teddi finally speaks. I literally thought Teddi had forgotten how! Teddi tells Dorit that she’s tired of being collateral damage in her issues with Kyle. Whenever Dorit wants to insult Kyle she uses Teddi – for instance sniping that Kyle is boring when she’s with Teddi. Teddi is sick of being shaded this way. Actually an excellent point.

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Teddi Mellencamp

Then of course it’s time to talk about how Denise Ruined Dinner Part 3508359873. Denise is unapologetic. She still believes that she has a leg to stand on where her ire is concerned, and isn’t sure why the other women are pretending they’d be fine with their tweens overhearing threesome talk.

Denise insists she’s no longer mad, and that she wasn’t judging them, because she’s fine with sex talk – she just expects some discretion from her friends. Obviously. The other women keep pointing out the ways Denise is hypocritical to exonerate themselves from being so-called bad moms, or faulty parents. Like when Denise posted a sexy picture of Aaron on Instagram. Denise says she took it down because it made her daughters uncomfortable.

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Denise Richards

Erika doesn’t understand why everything from golf carts to parenting has to be competitive in this group as if she’s not one of the main perpetrators of this mindset with her constant insecurities that she literally wears on her oversized mutton dressed as lamb sleeves.


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Seeing that they’re not getting anywhere trying to push Denise into Kyle-meltdown territory, Lipsa goes for the jugular by asking how she handles hiding the hookers Charlie brought for Thanksgiving from her girls. Denise is shocked and appalled that her friend of twenty years would stoop so low. I’m not. Since Lipsa personally knows Sammi, she doesn’t she was offended by their conversation. Instead, she thinks Denise should’ve just laughed it off both with the ladies and her kids. But, instead is making a big deal about it when there are for more scandalous things Denise’s has allowed her kids to be exposed to.

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Lisa Rinna

The thing is that every parent has their own standards. I don’t think Denise is questioning anyone else’s parenting, she’s simply trying to draw boundaries for her own. Is she overreacting? Probably. Do I think she’s being too rigid? Yes. But I also don’t have Charlie Sheen as en ex-husband to contend with, so who knows what type of judgment Denise herself has faced from other parents in her kids’ school, and worldwide.

With Teddi pissed, Erika stone-faced, Denise livid, Sutton wanting to lay down and cry in a pile of last season’s ready to wear Dolce, Kyle feeling that no one cares about her friendship or her anxiety, and Dorit utterly baffled about why no one wants to hear all about her glam routine, Lipsa laughs that she thinks this really helped them feel better as a group. At the very least Lipsa feels better resting supremely in the spot of lady who stirs the shit and therefore is not in it.


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Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Garcelle Beauvais

Oh, Garcelle Beauvais missed everything this episode because she was in Nashville producing a movie, as one does. I really like her, but she needs to start interacting with the other women more.


[Photo Credits: Bravo]