Whew – we have crossed the finish line with season 7 of Vanderpump Rules and I am here to report that this reunion did not need to be 3 parts. There – recap done!
OK, kidding. I actually felt there were some illuminating moments. Like the glimpse of Katie Maloney‘s hubris. Wowee-wow-WOW. Katie literally always sees herself as the victim. She blames James Kennedy for the internet hating her but the internet rightfully hated Katie long before her shenanigans this season! As Tom 1 never really got a chance to say courtesy of James’ interrupitis – a germ passed from Kristen Doute – Katie has been a rancid bottle of ranch dressing since season 1. Katie’s OWN putrid behavior is the reason the Twitterverse rails on her – it has nothing to do with James or her weight. Also Katie is giving marriage, ranch dressing, the internet, and humanity a bad name. Oh, and also clothing.
Tonight is the finale segment of the Vanderpump Rules reunion and after James Kennedy fled the stage there’s nothing else for them to do but discuss all the boring stuff none of us care about.
I’m totally over this season (and this cast). Subsequently, I am thrilled that this is the final episode of a long (and largely pointless season). So, I say pull the curtain on this mess and flip the script.
I’m having a visceral reaction to part 2 of the Vanderpump Rules reunion. It’s like Lord Of The Flies. JamesKennedy is the pig they’re chasing across the island of the doomed until somebody, (probably Tom 2 if we’re being honest) winds up dismembered. Remember when this show was so fun?!
What I’ve come to realize is that these people – chiefly Katie Maloney, Jax Taylor, and Kristen Doute – live in an echo chamber of their own delusions. They can’t learn from experiences because they’ve blocked all the dissenting voices. Instead, they are deafened by the vortex of praise they offer each other. James isn’t even allowed to speak without Kristen cutting him off and screaming him down with some accusation or insult. Andy Cohen wonders why James so angry. Lisa Vanderpump decides it’s because James had a drink at lunch. Or maybe it’s as James said: so many people yelling at him constantly that he can’t breathe.
We barely saw Carter on the show. At first, that seemed to be a good sign. No drama equals no screen time, right? Or maybe he was just busy with his non-reality TV job. Later, we learned that was not the case. Kristen revealed that Carter didn’t pay rent, she buys everything, and he even stole her wallet for a vacation one time. Soon after, every other mention of Carter was negative. Eventually, he got in a fight withStassi Schroeder and Katie Maloney about his relationship with Kristen. So, will we get to watch a single Kristen on Season 8? Not if she has her way.
Last night was the Met Gala and also someone was thrown out of a PTA meeting at my kids’ school when things erupted into a full-on screaming match. Fittingly, it was also part 1 of Vanderpump Rules reunion – so yeah, busy night!
Also as if trying to straddle two events, like she straddles two worlds on Vanderpump Rules, Raquel Leviss‘s reunion dress was the very definition of the Met Gala theme “Camp,” boasting uber-exaggerated shoulders accented by a full duvet of ruffles. It was like a super amped up version of an Alice In Wonderland dress. I loved it. It was almost a perfect representation for the ridiculousness of this show. Raquel came to make a statement that she is here to stay.
We saw Scheana Marie “single” for the first time ever, but somehow she managed to obsess over someone anyway. James’ girlfriend Raquel Leviss was an unnecessary target of the Witches of WeHo, mainly because she is pretty and thin… The poor thing didn’t really do anything to anyone. Kristen Doute was, god I don’t even know. Kristen, what in the fresh hell do you do every single day? Anystupidtshirtline, the reunion is going to treat us with three separate shows to wrap up Season 7.
Homeownership is in the air! The first Vanderpump Rules couple to enter the fray was Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix. While the rest of the cast upgraded to expensive apartments, Tom and Ariana stayed put in order to save money for a home.
They must have saved a pretty penny too because Ariana and Tom ended up buying a $2 million dollar home. That’s a big step up from a place where you couldn’t run the A/C and microwave at the same time. So who is up next in the crew to buy a home? Surprisingly, it’s half the cast.
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away a foolish princess sat in her WeHo walkup, and pledged her love to Jax Taylor, a pile of mashed potatoes that sometimes took on human-esque features and pretended to have a heart, but mostly just oozed brown puss. This princess of purgatory is Brittany Cartwright and on last night’s Vanderpump Rules she had an engagement party
This party seemed like it was supposed to be a wedding, until producers decided to drag out the drama by turning it into an engagement party last minute. Like they expected a huge blowout where Brittany’s dad confronted her about what an insipid ass Jax is. Or Jax and the Toms got in a fight with Brittany’s brothers. Instead, the biggest drama was ScheanaMarie crying in a corner because Adam Spott rejected her adopt-a-penguin apology gift.
Also Ariana Madix nervously confronted Lisa Vanderpump‘s about treating the Toms like grownups because then, like, maybe they might, like, act, like, one. Or Tom 1 will at least.