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Brian Carter

Lala Kent & Billie Lee

So much happened on last night’s Vanderpump Rules but the only things we really need to talk about are Brittany Cartwright being told by her doctor that she can’t drink on the cast trip to Mexico(!) and Lala Kent turning into James Kennedy by unleashing an unholy fury of meanness on James and Raquel Leviss (again), which finally had James seeing the light about the changes he needs to make in his own life.

I personally think all Brittany’s sudden health problems are a psychosomatic response to realizing she’s engaged to Jax Taylor!

Other things happened, though. Like I cannot look at Beau Clark without seeing a grubby, truck stop dirtbag. His pasty, grimy pits and flabby arms hanging out of that dirty tank top as he swung around a handle of tequila Stassi Schroeder was bedazzling for Scheana Marie as a peace offering was… well all the karma Stassi has ever deserved. Beau seems sweet and very nice, but he joins the unhygienic mass of menfolk on this show who look like walking staph infections and probably need their own file at the CDC.

Lala Kent - Vanderpump Rules

On tonight’s Vanderpump Rules things get super wild at SUR when Lala Kent takes out her grief and aggression on Raquel Leviss after Lala accuses Raquel of talking about her deceased father.

This comes after James Kennedy was cruelly uninvited from the cast trip to Mexico, which was supposed to be about Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz celebrating the opening of TomTom. Then while James is at SUR DJing Billie Lee‘s boozy brunch, he and Raquel have a run-in with Lala that goes all kinds of wrong. This has Tom 1 questioning why Lisa Vanderpump isn’t pulling out her pink slips to fire the future Mrs. Randall Emmett. 

Brittany Cartwright Kristen Doute Jax Taylor Nashville

Unfortunately for Kristen Doute, Vanderpump Rules only films in the summer. This means that she never gets a birthday party episode, let alone a multiple-episode story arc. On the bright side, this means that she never gets filmed during a birthday meltdown.

Instead, the Vanderpump Rules fans only get to see the (filtered) photos that she wants us to see. This year, Kristen and a bunch of her costars celebrated her birthday in Nashville, Tennessee.

Tom Sandoval & Tom Schwartz - Vanderpump Rules

This was a crazy episode of Vanderpump Rules with no winners or losers. OK, well, obviously Katie Maloney is a loser. The biggest loser, but still she’s allowed to dictate everyone else with her negativity and bullying. Even though it doesn’t appear that anyone likes her – even her own husband. I don’t know why, but Katie brings out the rage in me!

James Kennedy is a man of two strides forward (like a mini pony, not horse); two strides back into the time-out pen because he can’t play with the other horses without nipping their flanks and kicking up manure.

TomTom is about to open and Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz decide to celebrate by taking a pre-professional people vacation. And what a long strange trip it will turn out to be! As Lisa Vanderpump said, “Sometimes trial has error.”

Katie Maloney - Vanderpump Rules

Tonight is the episode of Vanderpump Rules I have personally been waiting for ever since Stassi Schroeder started dating Patrick and Katie Maloney found Stassi’s rusty bitch crown in the dumpster behind SUR and tried to make fetch happen.

Katie is a poor imitation of Stassi in her prime, namely because Katie is mercilessly mean without provocation or wit, but tonight – TONIGHT! – our brave little warrior Tom Sandoval goes against the evil that is facing him and tells Katie exactly like it is!

Katie Maloney & Kristen Doute - Vanderpump Rules

Last night we got a psychology lesson about how the brain works on Vanderpump Rules. For whatever reason associating with Kristen Doute, Stassi Schroeder, and Katie Maloney transforms people into the most primal version of themselves – the hideous, scaly monster insider of us all who is operating in a pure rage-mode known as The Reptilian Brain. Either this, or being on reality TV keeps one in a constant stasis of fight with Katie or flight from Katie (on a PJ?!).

The only people NOT using their reptilian brains last night were Tom 1 and … get ready for this: JAX TAYLOR. I mean Jax is literally a reptile. A dinosaur, actually; all gnashing teeth with a brain the size of a peanut despite his enormous hulk. It’s all feed me, f*ck me, leave me… But last night Jax got in touch with his, maybe, Dolphin Brain? I say dolphins because they are a conscious, considerate, evolved species who care for their loved ones.

So as Brittany Cartwright sat moaning in pain from wisdom teeth extraction, Jax made sure she had all her creature comforts: beer cheese and tequila in a baby bottle, a blanket of dogs, and access to her Instagram account. This guy – so ready for marriage and parenthood, y’all! We’ll get back to that idea lates.

And now some other relationships in this cesspool of crocodile mating we call Vanderpump Rules.

Kristen Doute & Brian Carter

Tonight Vanderpump Rules returns with more of Kristen Doutes drama. This time Kristen and Carter find themselves in a huge fight with her besties Katie Maloney and Stassi Schroeder after Carter accuses them of causing problems for him and Kristen.

Well Kristen is batshit crazy, so I’m not entirely convinced that it’s all Katie and Stassi’s fault. 

Tom Sandoval & Ariana Madix

Here ye, here ye, gather ’round because Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix have an announcement to make!  The bartending Vanderpump Rules couple has purchased their first home together!

Gone are the days of picking what appliance to use before a fuse blows. Now, they are adulting in a $2 million dollar abode. Time to buy a lawnmower!