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Vanderpump Rules Recap

Vanderpump Rules Andy Cohen Jax Taylor

Honestly what is left to say about Vanderpump Rules? Is there any point in discussing this? Can I bow out now with just a sayonara to the OG’s. We know that at least a 1/3 of the cast won’t return. Bravo hasn’t announced it yet, but I doubt we’ll see Lala Kent, Brittany Cartwright, or Jax Taylor next season. Well, not if they expect me to watch anyway. And we alllll know Bravo is catering things to my specific wants!

With sponsors and D-list celebrities cutting ties with Jax in response to his not-so-secret Twitter behavior, it’s only a matter of time. Like Ariana Madix pointed out during the season, Brittany is collateral damage.

But truly, after Jax got on national television, smugly insulted his boss and tried to call Andy Cohen out, I think it’s time for ‘his show’ to end. Jax’s ego is out of fucking control! He’s gross, slimy, a liar, a racist, a homophobe, and emotionally abusive to his wife. He’s also emotionally abusive to his castmates. Stassi Schroeder, who really has no room to talk, said at this point everyone is afraid to confront Jax because he’s so vicious. 

Vanderpump Rules Kristen Doute

It almost seems pointless to write this in light of the latest news that Stassi Schroeder, Kristen Doute, Max Boyens, and Brett Caprioni were fired from Vanderpump Rules for racist remarks and behaviors.

Honestly watching part 2 of the Vanderpump Rules reunion was like watching a zoom full of ghosts.

This firing is long overdue in the case of Stassi who has a history of awful statements. I also think it’s time for Jax Taylor to face those same consequences for his rampant misogyny and disgusting homophobic and transphobic statements. Statements he has made in front of Andy Cohen on WWHL. While Vanderpump Rules may be ‘Jax’s show’ (in his own hubristic mind!), WWHL is Andy’s show. And Andy, like Lisa Vanderpump, has let this crap go completely unchecked for way too long. 

Vanderpump Rules Tom Sandoval Ariana Madix Jax Taylor Brittany Cartwright

Ugh – I am losing my patience for “Jax Taylor‘s show.” Jax needs to get off his high – very, very <snort, snort> high horse, and take Lisa Vanderpump‘s advice to “SHUT UP.” Lala Kent needs to come down with him. I do not need to see this jump off, with a face so inflated with fillers she looks like a balloon, tell anyone how to live. So are the days of Vanderpump Rules when the most awful people sanctimoniously judge others.

So much chaos in a zoom reunion. Even more so than in a regular old ‘on the stage’ reunion. The best though t’was Lisa chastising Andy Cohen for essentially showing up in his sweats. At the very least he could put on a low-cut satin blouse!

Jax and Tom Sandoval are rocking some serious facial hair. Is it like some sort of sign that they’re going to fight? Like they will start by throwing chairs at their computer screens, then throw the actual computers, then mutually run out their neighboring homes, race across the street and start brawling in the front lawn until they’re ticketed for breaking quarantine?

Vanderpump Rules Season Finale

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules finale truly felt like it was the end of an era. And I’m ready to send Jax Taylor off into the abyss, where surely he will go after yelling in Lisa Vanderpump‘s face that this is ‘his show’. Lisa has already endured that type of malarky with Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills so she’ll certainly not put up with it from underling upstarts living in Valley Village (ahem.. Brandi!)

Tom 1 and Tom 2, by compression, are now well on their way to being restaurant moguls after signing onto the expansion of Tom Tom. They are moving into adulthood (finally!), while Jax, don’t bother blessing his cold dead heart, isn’t moving at all. He’s trapped in a fishbowl of his own drool, constantly regurgitating his own nonsense.

Jax can pretend all he wants that he’s tired of Tom 1, but what Jax is really tired of is Tom 1 being successful. Tom and Jax came up together as bartenders at SUR. For most of Vanderpump Rules Jax’s drama has driven things; yet it is Tom who was given the nudge by Lisa.

Vanderpump Rules Jax Taylor

Well, hell hath surely frozen over and the next thing we’ll be celebrating on Vanderpump Rules is an ice skating party because I actually liked Katie Maloney this episode. Hold me – I am fainting from the vapors!

At least I’m reassured that the constant is my complete and utter disgust of Jax Taylor! Accidentally taking a bite of that moldy lasagna found in the back of your fridge during a dunk binge eat is more desirable!

After Jax went on a rage-text tirade and uninvited everyone from his pool party (like anyone wanted to go to begin with) Tom Sandoval decided to host his own party for the rejects. Unfortunately the list of rejects grew and grew until it was revenge of the rejects with Tom and Ariana Madix winding up with an amazing party while Jax and Brittany Cartwright had one of the sad little get-togethers you see at the end of an HGTV House Hunters episode when the couple claims they “LOVE” to entertain.

Vanderpump Rules Jax Taylor

This season seems to be a reckoning on Vanderpump Rules. A washing the slate clean to prepare for the new and fresh, and the people getting hit the hardest are Jax Taylor and Scheana Marie. I welcome this.

For some bizarro reason Max Boyens hosts a beach clean-up at a public beach that gets regularly cleaned by the city. Then, because this makes total logical sense, everyone who shows up is swilling wine out of plastic solo cups. Erm. Look – I get it, they need to give Max something to DO besides women, but how about we get a little more filler about his backstory? Like who is this guy other than the person who’s presumably replacing Jax as the Number 3 guy in the TomSquared concoction.

Speaking of Jax, he does not attend because he it’s ridiculous to have to drive “4 hours,” polluting the environment to clean up a beach. He’s not wrong, but of course Brittany Cartwright is there. They could’ve taken the car pool lane, y’all!

Vanderpump Rules Stassi Schroeder Engagement Ring

You guys we just got through another Vanderpump Rules wedding, and now we’re rushed right into another engagement. I just… don’t… think… I … can… take… it. I am fatigued, y’all. Fatigued! I feel about these weddings the way everyone else on this show feels about their friendships with Kristen Doute. I am wrung out on made-for-TV pseudo-happiness and forever afters.

The latest couple to plod towards the aisle escorted by all the Bravo trappings is Stassi Schroeder and Beau Clark. Blah, blah, blah – beautiful proposal, fabulous vintage Tiffany ring (omg – swoon), followed by a fantastic surprise engagement party thrown by Lisa Vanderpump at Villa Rosa which made Brittany Cartwright, former princess bridezilla, jealous. Worth it just for that!

See Brittany is done bride-ing, and is now riding Jax Taylor for the rest of live-long days. She wanted a frog who turned into a prince, but what she got was a frog who turned into an ogre. But at least that ogre can push a lawnmower! 

Vanderpump Rules Stassi Schroeder

“People are rotten everywhere you go. They’re no good. You want to see a very bad man? Make an ordinary man successful beyond his imagination. Let’s see how good he is when he can do whatever he wants.” ‘Pachinko’ by Min Jin Lee.

And that quote defines Vanderpump Rules. Here we have just some ordinary obnoxious people, but they are successful merely for being in the right time at the right place. First we suffered through Jax Taylor‘s delusional hubris consuming the first half of the season and now we are subjected to Stassi Schroeder‘s obnoxious arrogance for the remainder of it.

In the umpteenth week of quarantine I could give less fucks than Giggy; barely dragging myself across the marble floors in my scruffy slipper feet. Everyone but Giggy is trying harder than Charli Burnett‘s pants at the strip club. Actually I like Charli. Charli is surprisingly wry and snarky. I like Danica Dow too. Danica is psycho and it’s gonna keep creeping up again and again in interesting ways. I said it once, and I’ll say it again: Danica is the new Jax. Or maybe Season 1 & 2 Kristen Doute?