On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey, Teresa and Melissa vow to put the past behind them but just can’t, Jacqueline has a few too many red wines, Caroline gets her panties in a bunch and isn’t any fun, Kathy wants to open a restaurant, and Teresa invites her Made For TV Family to The Catskills for some old fashioned gun shootin, four-wheelin, TMI sex talk,wine-guzzling fun! Did I mention the TMI sex talk?
Ending where things left off last week, Melissa and Teresa are disagreeing about the Gorga Family Feud. Melissa comes out swinging by essentially blaming Teresa for the “disgusting” Christening debacle and insisting Teresa is never around and never sees their kids. Seriously. And suddenly it becomes all about the Joes and which Joe owes more money to which creditors. In the tit for tat convo, Teresa brings up Joe owing money to some plumbers and Melissa responds with a savage blow when she declares that Jr. Mafia Joe borrowed money from Non-Juicy, but when her hubby tried to collect on his debts Joe told Joe: “If you want your money sue me!” Melissa is confused and wants to know why her fellow shopaholic housewife just can’t skip a pair of Manolos to pay back the loan: “just pay me the $1000 – your wife is wearing more than that on her feet!” Duh!
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It appears that Melissa is as DESPERATE to keep this feud going for more camera time and infamy as TERESA is as desperately trying to move past things so Melissa will go away and no longer be relevant to the show. Just this humble writers opinion! Teresa explains: “It takes two to make a marriage it takes all of us to make a family,” so they decide to kinda sorta maybe temporarily make-up. And then things are sealed with the fakest hug the world has ever seen – seriously both women acted as if the other had cooties! Melissa really really wants to believe Teresa will reconnect with her family again, but the Angel of Bullshit on her shoulder is whispering in her ear that Teresa is too busy already BEING a famewhore to care about Melissa’s famewhoring aspirations.
We get the story of Melissa’s jealous streak on a Christmas Eve gone Maury Pauvich that caused her in-laws to initially dislike her because, Melissa stormed out after Non-Juicy Joey received a phone call from another girl! Melissa claims that Teresa always was competitive – even over baby photographers. Melissa pulls out a bunch of old pictures from the days when Jr. Mafia Joe was thin and everyone used to like each other. Jacqueline The Wise steps in with some wine to help end things on a positive note. Demonstrating that the feud is on hiatus, Teresa forces peace-keeper Jacqueline to invite the Gorgas to her Christmas Cocktail Party. Melissa decides in the end Teresa is not “fightable material” because when she gets angry she just throws some furniture at you or chases you through a country club screaming about what a b*tch you are; so if by not fightable material, you mean don’t anger the inmates, I agree!
The Caroline is talking about her radio debut and seeking Albert’s approval of her show. Albert lets her know he is not going to be going on anymore Guidice vacations after last years Italy From Hell Cruise so he will not be attending The Catskills weekend. Hey – maybe that was the time he lived at The Brownstone! Maybe he didn’t lie after all?! Jacqueline has somehow convinced her ever so patient, loving man to attend though and she is packing all the necessities: two enormous bottoms of wine, some guns, and some Botox injections.
Melissa is preparing for daughter Antonia’s big ballroom dancing recital by talking crap about the woman she just vowed to make peace with. Bringing back the Jr. High Eye Roll is Melissa’s equally mature sister Lyssa, as they complain that Teresa’s mom babysits for Teresa everyday because –ugh – the Guidices just can’t afford a nanny. Losers. #sarcasm. Melissa is annoyed her mother-in-law spends more time with Teresa’s kids than her own but hopes she will be attending Antonia’s recital. Then Melissa complains about how Teresa stole her words during their talk and issues more digs about how Teresa doesn’t really care about her family. Melissa explains this is the last and final straw for Non-Juicy Joe, who will cut his sister out of his life if she doesn’t continually beg for their forgiveness. Oh Melissa, remember – there are cameras present now that you are on a reality show so talking sh*t about your in-laws isn’t private anymore – they will hear you!
In the car on the way to The Catskills, once Tree’s sparkly leopard luggage is loaded in her white Mercedes-Benz, the conversation is all about nuts – more specifically the little nuts belonging to Chris Laurita. Teresa, it turns out, has invited everyone but the Gorgas – who she doesn’t like enough yet since they are still “working things out.” At The Giudice Country Club Catskills, Jacqueline is upset about the idea of Teresa swinging around a possibly loaded gun – however we can’t really see the concern on her face since it is more frozen than the expression on the taxidermy animals’ faces, which she feels sorry for. The entire famiglia de Jr. Mafia is there and Papa Giudice has made an amazing pasta dinner which is completely ignored while Teresa, wearing dead polar bears on her feet, waves around a gun threatening everyone with a good time.
Kathy is all of the sudden opening a dessert catering company, errr restaurant, errr banquet hall. Kathy is upset that she just wants her little business and Rich is taking over to make it into The Brownstone a big deal. Kathy wants Rich to keep his heat out of her kitchen and leave her cannolis alone, but he can’t help himself so they go restaurant scouting. Rich decrees listening to his wife is always the right choice – so just let her cater some desserts why don’t you?!
Many, many glasses of rotten egg wine later(this isn’t going to make good publicity for the Giudices budding wine business), the conversation turns to blow jobs and who is a better “blower” Teresa or Jacqueline? EWWWWWWW… Nice respectful conversation to have in front of your parents! Apparently to put Teresa in the mood, Jr. Mafia – Franklin Lakes very own Casanova – calls Teresa a “slut,” which isn’t true so that makes her mad. Jacqueline astutely observes that they may be too comfortable with each other (and with us – the poor maligned viewers who have this conversation seared into our brains forever). Did anyone else notice Chris Laurita playing with the wine ring a little too suggestively? Yikes!
After a drunken pizza-making contest (which Jacqueline wins for Nutella Calzone), talk turns to feuds plural and whether or not Teresa should end hers with Kathy now that things with Melissa are on a better note. Teresa votes no – because she doesn’t have time to deal with Kathy right now. Apparently their fight is partially because their fathers don’t speak over $200! The Gorgas and money do not mix well – sort of like Nutella and Pizza. Hey, that’s the way the ball drops! Or falls. Or whatever… Speaking of balls, I’m not even going to discuss what happens next but it involves a
cock ring sex toy, Teresa, spanking, and Jr. Mafia in some tight revealing pants – let’s just say I am really sorry I happened to be eating at the time! We also get a little history of sex lesson concerning the Giudices. Teresa needs a beauty queen sash that reads: “Miss Too Much Information.”
Using any excuse to make her boys to spend time with her, The Caroline bribes them with the promise of an alcohol-stuffed vacation to come to The Catskills. She also forces brings along friend/Dina look alike Delores, who we can imagine is hoping for a spot on next years cast! When Caroline and co. arrives everyone is firing guns from the deck – she freaks out and immediately starts lecturing everyone about gun safety (and maybe she has a point there). After strapping on her “Party Pooper” hat, Caroline issues another rule: no riding quads for Albie and Chris or else they are going in time out! Too bad as soon as she turns her back her twenty-something boys go quading! While the ladies are out shopping, Chris Laurita asks Joe if Teresa will have a budget for holiday spending? I kept waiting for Joe to laugh out loud, but instead he just explained she is uncontrollable and now she has a job so she definitely cannot be tamed – as evidenced by her furry boots!. Debts be damned – it’s Christmas, ya’ll!
For dinner it’s roast pig and more wine and Caroline is grossed out. Lucky her – she gets a kiss from a pig carcass and some lasagna. Caroline is sympathetic to the Giudice’s family and financial difficulties even though they seem very happily married. When Jr. Mafia learns the Gorgas will be attending the Laurita’s Christmas cocktail party – Joe promises he will make nice by giving Non-Juicy a wedgie instead of a beat down. We see an amazing – truly amazing – old photo of 1980’s Jr. Mafia in his weightlifting days doing a split on a bridge! Then Joe demonstrates how manly he is by doing a split in the kitchen! Seriously! That was the best part of this whole episode! Joe Guidice is a man of many secret talents… After splits, the group of very responsible adults go night quading, sans helmets, while drunk.
At Antonia’s holiday dance party, Melissa is warning Kathy that Teresa’s mom will be there. Kathy explains she has not spoken to her aunt since she and Teresa got into it at the Posche Trashion Show, but by gones are by gones and she is not getting caught up in petty BS, however when Mama Gorga arrives Kathy looks like she may have been sucking on a lemon! Melissa explains that when Teresa isn’t around for Non-Juicy to be jealous over they get along great with her MIL and have fun together without tension. There is a cute scene of Joe dancing with his mama and they do look like they are having fun. During the recital, Non-Juicy plugs his ears during everyone elses ummm… dances,but gets really into when Antonia comes on stage – leaping up with the video camera. And she is so adorable! So adorable! Kathy explains Antonia is a star and takes after her mommy. I see Gia Giudice’s agent in your future, Antonia. After having so much fun as a family, Melissa decides she needs to put the past behind her and let go of pettiness.
In The Caskills, the Giudice Country Club debunks to the only club in town “Bar Fight World” – Jr. Mafia Joe and The Manzo Boys should be in seventh heaven then! Teresa takes the stage after a few too many shots to set up her friend Dolores with any “eligble” men by auditioning the bachelors to give their best lines. Teresa admits that she is totally into looks (so she chose Juicy Joe?) and there were NO hotties in there! The Caroline is burned out on the trip after one day and is reduced to actually doing a shot – too bad it doesn’t make her anymore fun! Back at the lodge, to receive penance for their sins, they attend church at the end of Teresa’s driveway in a private chapel built for those who can’t behave. Jacqueline and Caroline can’t stop laughing because they are hung-over of the irony of shooting guns before praying. Teresa and Joe thank their wonderful friends and family for a great weekend and Amen! We’re done!
Next week: Christmas Time in the Garden State! Albert laughs at Kathy’s dream of owning a restaurant. Teresa finally talks Bankruptcy Fraud. Jacqueline tells Kim G what we have all been dying to say to her! A Christmas Cocktail party ends with Joe Gorga putting on a sequined leotard?! Oh these Jersey Girls!
So whose sexy time scenes are grosser: The Gorgas or The Giudices? Who would you rather go drinking with Teresa, Caroline, Jacqueline, or Melissa?
On a supersized WWHL to match a supersized New Jersey Housewives Episode the guests are Vicki Gunvalson, Jacqueline, and later former HW and possibly estranged sister of Caroline, Dina Manzo. The Drinking Game word is: Teresa! There is much to do made about Teresa’s mountain mama fashions – my fave was the the zebra PJs mixed with rifle! The poll question is: Who’s The Sexiest Househusband? Vicki said she’s voting for audience member Chris Laurita for the win. Andy is takes the Gorga Feud one-step farther by pitting G-to-the-Eeya against Antonia by featuring Gia’s model walk vs. Antonia’s ballroom moves. Andy wants to go to Cirque to Joe-le! And you know what – me too!
Vicki reveals her and Donn speak all the time and she is not giving up nothing about her new boyfriends “issues.” Vicki divulges she doesn’t really have an opinion about Slade Slimey and doesn’t want to get involved in his business. Demonstrating she is a good friend she sticks by without totally defending her Tamra‘s Slade-Sleuthing actions! Vicki also says her and Jeana are now “cordial” but not friends and Jeana is certainly NOT her realtor! Andy does an OG of the OC montage remixed to Vicki’s Superfan Cory Larrabee‘s Song “I Love Vicki” which is available on itunes. Well – that is 99 ¢ I won’t be wasting! Jacqueline refuses to disclose if Melissa intentionally said “a wench like me” while totally spontaneously singing Amazing Grace in her amazing closet, but she does apparently like Melissa’s “catchy” songs better than Danielle Staubs’ weird grope filled ones! Jacqueline also explains that all 10 Laurita siblings fight constantly! Which Caroline co-signed during the episode! Jacqueline reveals Ashley has her car, which was paid for from money she got from doing a show…. Hmmm…
Dina arrives, looking bubbie-a-licious! The Game is Sex Act-Ually? Is Andy talking about a naughty sex act or not?! Dina wins a 3-D Penis Book, that lucky girl! Dina gives her take on the Gorga feud which may have inadvertently been started by Non-Juicy Joe’s admiration of his sister, but there is no competition on Teresa’s side! Dina admits she is open to returning to the show and that she also has her own show on HGTV! Vicki will also be appearing on Clean House on the Style Network. Chris Manzo takes the poll in a landslide with Rich Wakile brining up the rear! Mazel!
TELL US – AS THE SEASON MOVES ALONG, WHO DO YOU BLAME FOR THE FEUD? MELISSA, TERESA OR THE JOES? WAS MELISSA BEING TOO DIFFICULT DURING THE TALK? THOUGHTS ON TERESA’S TMI & THE CATSKILLS TRIP? WAS CAROLINE BEING A PARTY POOPER?