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They’re baaaaaaaaaaaack. So, last night was the Real Housewives of New Jersey premiere and well, I think it’s very clear how this is all shaking out. It’s Teresa Giudice vs. the world. Bring back Super T cause she needs that cape! From the very first moment of the show, it was evident the emotions are raw and palpable. And it was hard for me to watch. Dare I say, this is the realest any Real Housewives show has ever been!

Things begin with the Wakiles and Gorgas are at the shore house. Kathy Wakile is cooking of course. Someone brings up Teresa‘s cookbook and, conveniently,  just so happens to have a copy. And Richie just so happens to read aloud from it in front of all the parties while Melissa Gorga looks uncomfortable. Everyone discusses how much Teresa has changed since fame swept her under it’s demon wing and flew her far away from the marble palace in the half-vacant sub-division, the orange tans, and the salty, sewery breeze of Jersey; to a place where she is honored and revered and not a pariah for her love of sequins and trash talk. Non-Juicy Joe (aka Joe Gorga – gosh it feels good to use the old nicknames again!) announces that as a family, they are moving past the cookbook insults. We all know that’s not true!

At Jacqueline Laurita‘s she is having a party to get Caroline Manzo and Teresa in the same room together. The Manzo spawn are still incensed about Terea’s comments in the cookbook and Caroline is all like ‘you don’t have to kiss my feet – but you better if you want me to accept this apology.’

Somebody brings up Ashley, Ashlee, Hatlee - whatever – and wonders it she’s still a complete loser. That’s an affirmative! Lauren Manzo, who’s become quite the Donette Caroline, quips that the only thing Ashlee has changed about her life is her hair color. Lauren, on the other hand, completed med school by aged 16 and is a doctor on TV, saving children’s lives. Oh wait – that was Doogie Howser.

Teresa shows up and things are prickly. She wants to talk to Caroline and apologize about the cookbook misunderstanding. What?! <<Head spinning>> She wants to handle something like an adult not chuck an onion at Caroline’s head and tell her to go to hell or something. Teresa sits Caroline down and basically says they were all jokes and Caroline should get over it, but she’s sorry she hurt her feelings. All said though, Teresa’s face was so full of emotion and she looked like she was on the verge of tears. It was odd. All these ladies seem so broken. Caroline doesn’t feel the apology is sincere (even though I think it was in Teresa’s way) but decides she’s going to co-exist with Teresa. They hug and Teresa tells Caroline she’s like family to her.

Meanwhile everyone else is prepping for the shore. At the Gorgas’ Joe tells Melissa Teresa thinks Melissa would leave him if she met a richer man. So this definitely seems like a family rebuilding. Melissa and Joe go back and forth about the Teresa issue; they’re both hurt and Teresa is totally out of line. Who says that? So when did Bravo rename this show The Teresa Experience?

Kathy and Richie are packing. Richie pulls out some sex oil and Kathy gets all squeamish, telling him to hide it so no one sees it. Yet – they’re talking about it on television… Right. If sexing up their marriage is going to be a storyline, don’t expect me to recap that. Kathy implores him to just be nice to Teresa and try to get along, since they’ll all be spending time together over the weekend.

Over at Teresa‘s they are also packing up for the shore. Teresa admits this has been a hard year for her with Joeww and his issues. Teresa says Joe has become the nanny and she is now the breadwinner. She loves having him help her around the house, except he’s still lumbering around like a caveman screaming at everyone and tantruming. In the middle of all the chaos, Melania calls Gia a “stupid pooper” BWAHAHA! – which needs to replace bitch and whore as the standard HW insult. Teresa threatens to wash her mouth out with soap unless she apologizes like she means it. Hmmm… maybe Caroline needs to try that approach with T!

In the car on the way there, Teresa asks Joe about what he did last night. Joe claims he was out with some girls! On business! Um, say what? Teresa and Gia‘s hair stands up on end and they’re both like ‘wadaya mean girls’? Joe barks that they need to stay outta his bizness  – except that broke fool doesn’t have bizness. And he was at TGI Friday!

Teresa is well aware of the rumors that Joe is cheating on her and she tells him Gia knows too, so he better keep his legs closed! Who would have an affair with Joe? Teresa would cut you faster than you could say Boo. Dang, I get the shivers just thinking about it!

Later while Jr. Mafia Joe is preparing for prison by weight lifting, Teresa wafts in wearing her leopard print robe to confront him about Gia being aware of what goes on. Teresa cites a magazine article she did talking about him going to prison and says Gia is worried about it and can read things. A Giudice that can read? Impossible! Joe, in a rare moment of clarity, tells Teresa this is the life they chose by going on TV. Teresa wants to protect her girls, but Joe seems unconcerned.

The funniest part was the mouse poop in that slide thing they had all rolled up on the roof and all the girls freaking out. haha. I love Melania and she melts my heart. She’s totally a crazy Housewife in training!

At Jacqueline‘s she gets a visit from her lifecoach. Apparently Ashlee is completely out of control and only focused on partying. In fact several times she has gotten stranded in the city because she’s too drunk to get home and Chris has to pick her up in the middle of the night. Yikes. The lifecoach gives her the same advice she’s been getting for three years and hasn’t taken. So when are they buying Ashlee another car?

So, Caroline is menopausal – or pregnant with a change of life baby! No just kidding – although I just kept waiting and waiting for Bravo to pull that out. It could still happen! Maybe Kathy will get the middle-aged storyline this season. Anyway, Caroline’s been having migraines and has been increasingly short tempered. She blames the company she keeps and her children for deserting her. Then hastily adds that Lauren still lives at home though. The doctor tells her she’s getting old. ha

The Gorga’s arrive at their shore house, which used to be normal and quaint until Joe decided to blow it up into a mcmansion complete with a liberry and a roller rink. Sadly, it’s still a construction zone and not fit for habitation. Melissa glares at him and snaps – no sex for you. Tarzan’s not leaving the jungle tonight!

So they all cruise over to Rich and Kathy‘s place, where they proceed to talk about Teresa some more. Apparently Melissa just so happened to come accross Teresa’s In Touch Weekly cover. And after she drew devil horns and a mustache on Teresa’s face and sobbed that she wasn’t front and center, she read the article. Basically, Teresa admitted she was scared that Jr Mafia Joe may be headed to prison.

CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR MORE!!!

Everyone is annoyed Teresa is talking to the magazines and not her family, until Rich mentions she probably did the story for money. It dawns on Joe, Kathy, and Melissa that this is very real and not some silly Bravo contrivance to make the show more dramatic. Teresa is broke, her husband is likely going to prison, and her entire family has sold her out. Who’s really On Display?

While no one is sympathetic to Joe for breaking the law, they all start to think about the kids. Non-Juicy Joe vows to help her. Then remembering that they’re all supposed to despise Teresa, Joe tells everyone she said Melissa would leave him for a richer man. Joe thinks Teresa is miserable and unhappy and misery likes company. Ok, seriously – who are these Joes? When did they get insigtful? Kathy’s mom shuts the conversation down and Rosie makes a funny about Teresa not being jealous of her because she’s fat, has short hair, and lives with her mom. That was awesome. Rosie is hilarious!

Back in Marble Mansion land Caroline, Jacqueline, and Lauren go for a walk to promote BLK. water and complain about Teresa. Caroline is still smarting about the 1/16th Italian comment and says the only reason Teresa is sorry is because she got caught. Which makes no sense – she KNEW Caroline was going to see it – it’s in a published book. It’s not like she was hiding it…

Jacqueline and Lauren, quickly becoming the evil stepsisters to Caroline‘s queen, rally around her, sniping that Teresa is jealous and threatened by Caroline. These ladies love to think everyone is jealous of them, don’t they? Caroline isn’t willing to accept the apology, and Jacqueline comments that Caroline is impervious to the Giudice mind games – unlike her – and I’m sad they’re no longer friends. Also, Jacs is looking great! All that working out has paid off.

The next day, the Gorgadicekile families all meet at the beach. The cousins are so happy to see each other and it’s really touching. Teresa tears up over missing Antonia, which was sad. While the wives and the kids are all playing, Joe and Richie talk Teresa. Richie, showing a softer side, implores Joe to reach out to his sister; saying she is crying out for help and Joe needs to be there for her family – financially and emotionally.

Joe and Teresa have a sit-down which doesn’t go well. Joe is right- Teresa is super defensive. I think she is embarrassed, hurt, and seriously overwhelmed. She looks on the verge of a nervous breakdown and I’m worried for her. Joe believes Teresa is in serious denial about life – and I totally agree she is – although it’s so odd to hear Non-Juicy Joe saying anything that makes sense and isn’t about poison.

The two go back and forth about whether or not Joe has been supportive during Teresa’s tough times. Joe says he loaned the Giudice’s money. Teresa snaps that she is tired over everyone fighting over money and jealousy! They continue to talk in circles and finally agree to just try and be there for each other. Joe says it’s the first day of the rest of their lives and they need to be a family. This was hopeful, and sadly we know how it ends up.

Back at Jacs‘, Chris sits Ashlee down and tells her he’s shipping her off to Vegas tonight. Ashlee’s all like but  I have plans to go out and get wasted – I don’t wanna cancel. Dang – what did Ashlee do to her lips? Does anyone think Ashlee’s going to change her name to A$hlee next? I do. Chris tells her she can go to Vegas or he’s kicking her out – her choice. Whoa…

I don’t know if I can take this tragic season. Really. I hope Teresa and Jacqueline can become friends again. And I want the Gorgas and Giudices to be a family again.

Next week: Melissa slams Teresa about money. Ashlee gets kicked out. I vow to be more prepared with the wine.

THOUGHTS ON THE SEASON PREMIERE? ARE YOU TEAM TERESA OR TEAM EVERYONE ELSE?

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