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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County I finally was able to see discernible evidence that Briana Wolfsmith is indeed Vicki Gunvalson‘s daughter. Last night, there were boobs and people acting like boobs, there was wine and people whining, and there was cheese and Brooks Ayers and well…it doesn’t get anymore cheesy than him! I don’t even know what to say about that one – except he isn’t dabombdotcom!

Things began with Vicki and Tamra Barney shopping for new bras. Tamra is excited to get sized for her new titties and is completely disheartened to learn she’s still a D. Apparently European sizes are failing her. whaaa-whaaa. Even more upsetting, Vicki is a DOUBLE F. Yes, FF! For Freaking Frazy!

Vicki and Tamra are in a tizzy until they see how sensational their boobies look in the new bras. Vicki scoffs that she hates really huge boobs, which is why she chastised Tamra for getting a reduction?

Tamra races over to the bridal lingerie section and practically bellows, ‘LOOK VICKI – FOR BRIANA!’ while Vicki is like, ‘shhhhh shhhhhhhhh – I don’t want anyone to know! I’m so embarrassed!’ Tamra reveals Vicki has told her about Briana’s elopement and she understands why Vicki is upset. Then Vicki starts freaking out about how HER life is ruined because SHE doesn’t get to throw a wedding or a shower or buy a dress. And the wedding is about HER! Tamra worries Briana may have made a mistake.

Vicki intones that if she doesn’t support Briana, she will lose her so she has to pretend she is OK with these surprise nuptials. Even though she wants to strangle Ryan – but only once she convinces him to get an insurance policy in Briana’s name. Ok, I made that last part up. Vicki would never strangle anyone. Coto Insurance providing your family and loved ones with IRAs and all your insurance needs!

I can understand Vicki‘s point; a wedding, whether anyone wants to admit it or not, is more than just the bride and every mother does want to plan a dream day for her daughter. Perhaps Vicki is shell-shocked, but I do think she’s over-reacting just a tad. Especially since Briana told her she did in fact want a wedding. Vicki needs to pay a visit to her shrink, get a Xanax Rx and go sit by the pool for a while downing some WinesbyWives approved libations. Then when she’s ready to act normal-ish she can return to society and be supportive.

Moving on, Slave Smiley is strapping on some spandex – hot (not!) – and going for a bike ride with Gretchen Rossi‘s dad. One needs a full-on racing ensemble to cruise around the local park? Good to know… Slave has something very, very important to ask Papa Rossi.

Gretchen is also preparing – she’s been doing so since 8am when she woke up and it’s now lunchtime. She’s getting ready for lunch with Tamra. Good lord – how long do you think Gretchen spends applying make-up and styling her hair each day? It must be in the double digit hours. It takes a lot of time to look that cheap! Gretchen has something to talk to her new bestest friend and closest confidante about.

And she hopes Tamra and Slavey will become close as well. When hell freezes over, friend, when hell freezes over. And ironically that’s about when Gretchen is going to shimmy into a big white dress and waltz down the aisle to bid her ‘I Dos!’ to Slave!

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At the park, Slave parks his bike next to Gretchen‘s dad’s and says he wants to propose. Her dad all but laughs in his face and then he points out the obvious – Slave is broke, has a host of legal and financial issues besieging him, and everyone thinks he is a deadbeat loser who abandoned his terminally ill child to cavort around on a television show. So yeah, he’s not giving any permission for Slave to ask for Gretchen’s hand. Like she would say yes anyway! Good lord, her dad was awesome!

Meanwhile, over drinks and lunch Gretchen confesses she doesn’t even want to marry Slave but she committed to the relationship for the sake of reality television so she has to pretend she loves him. Such a conundrum. Gretchen, echoing her father’s concerns, admits her major reason is that if they marry Slave’s financial debacles will become her own and she doesn’t want to take on his mound of debt and legal troubles. Fair point. Tamra is supportive and suggests that they just maintain the status quo for the Bravo paycheck and be done with it.

Seriously – who doesn’t think Slave‘s planned proposal and Gretchen‘s subsequent ‘Should I say yes?’ drama doesn’t have everything to do with these two wanting a spinoff? The only two HW spinoffs given have both been about planning for a wedding… Coincidence, much? We know what you’re angling for Slavretchen!

Tamra also fills Gretchen in on her new business venture – a gym. Except there will be no gym equipment – only classes. Sounds a lot like Curves to me! Didn’t all those things close? WorkoutByWives!

Speaking of Tamra‘s business ventures, Tamra and Vicki are planning the debut of their WinesbyWives. The idea is a formal party so everyone has to wear long gowns. Vicki is planning to announce Briana‘s surprise nuptials at the party, even though she is mortified by the elopement.

Showing Briana that she too can employ the element of surprise to her advantage, Vicki will be introducing both her children to Brooks at the party. Apparently despite their six month long trip into the annals of Hallmark, neither Michael nor Briana have met the soupçon of amazingness that is Vicki’s new beau. He’s just such a charltan gentleman, so opportunistic kind-hearted, so annoying and creepy positive and uplifting, so desperate to impress fun to be around! He’s everything Vicki could want in a man – he tells her exactly what she wants to hear and he fills her tanks with lavishing praise.

Briana expresses concern about how no one really knows who this guy is. This interloper who showed up one day with a sack full of Hallmark cards like Santa for the desperate and lonely. Now he’s staying in ritzy hotels on Vicki‘s dime and driving Vicki’s car around. And he has four kids back in Mississippi and what exactly does he do for a living? All valid questions that Vicki doesn’t seem to have answers for – or doesn’t care to find them! Briana is also confused about why Vicki is so serious with Brooks when her divorce to Donn isn’t even final yet.

Briana has no interest in meeting Brooks and neither does Michael. I think perhaps doing the introductions at a party when you know both your kids are dubious about the relationship was a bad idea. I’m sure Bravo had something to do with the planning, though!

Getting ready for the formal dress party, Vicki unloads to hairstylist/make-up artist about how disappointed she is in Briana. Did you guys know that, apparently, no one dresses up in the OC? Tamra shows up to the party first bearing her Ryan, who really needs to do something with that facial hair. Why was no one talking about the fact that Briana and Tamra are wearing THE SAME DRESS!?

Tamra is worried about Vicki‘s sanity over this whole elopement thing. That’s the only reason she’s worried for Vicki’s sanity? She also still doesn’t trust Brooks. Maybe she should get together with Briana and host an intervention. Ratings boom!

Gretchen arrives next with Slave. Gretchen, Vicki, and Tamra are wearing red, white, and blue. Cue the American Flag commentary. They take a super cute photo and Vicki and Gretchen are getting along and making nice. It doesn’t seem awkward – maybe because Vicki is distracted with the Briana thing. Then Heather Dubrow arrives and they take another photo. All the ladies look very pretty and I love Heather’s dress.

Heather complains that people in the OC aren’t accustomed to fancy soirees; which is why she joined this cast? And they don’t really know how to conduct themselves at such fine affairs. Heather stands in the corner judgey-mcjudging everyone and with this little smirk, like ‘I am so above these people. My husbands a doctor and I’m, like, rich.’ Ok, get over yourself, no one was eating cheese in an undignified manner. Ok, almost no one. Gretchen informs us that she’s, like, worn a long dress kinda alot, alot from her sorority formals and she’s, like, really classy and stuff. Right?

Alexis Bellino arrives, bringing up the rear, and she obviously borrowed one of Teresa Giudice‘s old fur coats. She also didn’t get the memo about wearing a gown. Hey – it’s knee-length which is floorlength in Alexisland! Alexis calls herself “Fashionably On Time.” I call her Fashionably DDelusional.

Michael is up first for the Brooks meet n greet. Vicki forces them outside where they stand there awkwardly staring at each other, whilst she was probably watching anxiously from the window and making gestures at Michael to be nice and like Brooks. Vicki expects them to instabond. Brooks tries to find a connection by bringing up Briana‘s elopement and Micahel is like, ‘yeah, no – I gotta go. See ya, weirdo.’

In the limo, Briana continues to complain about Brooks and is pretty much not willing to give him a chance. I think the Donn situation has a lot to do with her attitude. She calls him an gold-digging, opportunist. Which makes him the perfect fit for the OC!

Once Briana arrives, Vicki gets up to make a speech. I’m not sure why Mr. Hallmark wasn’t making some long meandering speech about love finding us when we need it most and the beauty in a soulmate. Vicki announces the elopement and everyone is shocked! Gretchen hits the nail on the head when she says, “Does she know who her mother is!?”

Vicki‘s other surprise is that her brother Billy has flown in for the occasion. I will say Vicki handled her announcement with dignity and seemed to be at least trying to accept Ryan and the circumstances. She hugged him and welcomed him to the family and wasn’t rocking back and forth in the corner bawling.

Michael, on the other hand, confesses he learned about Briana‘s marriage on Facebook. And he too finds it “shocking and disgusting.” Whoa – these kids are really showing how they were raised by Vicki tonight! I believe those are the same words she used to describe Briana’s marriage!

Brooks rolls out the creep factor when when he starts telling Tamra and Vicki how much he loves, adores, and respects their sons who are good people, successful men – men who matter and will change and conquer the world. He had met them both for all of five minutes. Clearly not long enough for an accurate assessment. I’m judging that by the fact that he called Ryan, “dabombdotcom.” Seriously. He said that. On national television. About Ryan of all people. Lame-o. Tamra and I both had the same disgusted looks on our faces as we listened to his never-ending chatter about how amazing these two young men were. #gross. Then Brooks basically says Donn was an emotionally unavailable father. Weird.

Finally, Vicki forces Briana and Ryan to meet Brooks. She quarantines them in a room and then goes to fetch Brooks who is still probably espousing about how amazing Other Ryan is – tattooed, beardy, Ryan. Did you know he got a new sofa on layaway? He’s making things happen!

Brooks comes in and says some Hallmark-y stuff and Briana refuses to even look at him, which was weird. She was being, like, Vicki judgmental. Vicki just wants Briana to accept Brooks – she’s accepted Ryan. Brooks is trying to hug Briana who looks like she wants to vomit.

Briana comments (in the ITM) that if someone else were dating Brooks, Vicki would have a million questions about who he was, what he does, what he’s about and she would be relentless. This is true. This is very true.

Vicki explains that her situation is similar to Briana‘s – they’ve both met someone who makes them very happy. Briana disputes this, arguing that their relationships are completely different. Vicki is shocked by Briana’s rudeness. I think we all were. I mean she is 25, as she keeps telling us, and capable of conducting herself in an adult fashion. At least Brooks said supportive things about her marriage.

Next Week: Briana and Vicki have a blow-out, Alexis tells us she almost died. Slave pretends to buy Gretchen a ring!

DID BRIANA OVER-REACT TO MEETING BROOKS OR ARE HER CONCERNS JUSTIFIED? ARE SLAVE AND GRETCHEN TRYING TO GET MARRIED FOR A SPINOFF? DO YOU THINK THEY’LL EVER TIE THE KNOT?

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