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Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was all about the things we do for love. Some women finally change their name after a decade of marriage, some women overlook grifting opportunists because they bring her coffee, and some women… well they’ll just leave their man alone from 10-2 everyday so he can pretend to do stuff. Love is a powerful thing, but equally powerful is denial. I feel like Heather Dubrow needs to start teaching a class about how to have an adult relationship.

The other thing that happened was the sort of not so epic Tamra Barney vs. Alexis Bellino showdown. T’was sort of, I dunno, meh… and predictable.

Ok, so we begin with Brooks Ayers descending upon Vicki Gunvalson‘s office with of all things Starbucks. Blessed Starbucks. Hey, I’m a girl who loves her coffee and I wouldn’t throw a man out the door for bringing me lattes he bought on my credit card.

Shockingly Brooks was only bearing breakfast, not a folder full of Hallmark cards. Remember those wallets everyone’s dad used to have before smartphones and iPads – the ones with the flip out photo holder? I think Brooks has one full of affirmations and inspirational quote cards. Need a lift, I’ve got good tidings to go! I bet he just whips them out whenever Vicki starts asking too many questions.

Vicki tells Mr. Hallmark about the fight with Briana Culberson, including that Briana called him an opportunist. Brooks starts rambling on about how Briana has truth, her truth and I can see him straining to remember that Joel Osteen segment on being the best you you can be. Truthfully though, I think Brooks handled it well. Vicki doesn’t understand why Briana is upset, after all she’s always been the perfect mother! Yep – she said that.

Naturally, Vicki thinks Briana has daddy issues because of her father and Donn. I wonder if Briana has daddy issues or mommy issues? Vicki cries that she is tired of her life being under construction, she just wants her life to be finished product. Are these two perfect for each other or what? Love tanks, construction zones, what’s next? A garden analogy?

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Heather is meeting an old actressy friend for lunch. They represent different paths in life. Heather met Terry and moved out to the OC to start baby-making wifeliness and her friend kept working and earned an Emmy nomination. Heather still pines a little for the what might have been, but admits she’s happy and thinks she made the right choice for her. And to prove to Terry she doesn’t regret a thing, she’s decided to finally change her name. Apparently while we’ve all been referring to her as Heather Dubrow, she’s actually still Heather Paige Kent, which is both her professional name and her real one.

Heather never wanted to give up her name in case she returned to working and she also doesn’t like that everyone pronounces Dubrow like eyebrow. But because she realized she’s probably not going to be winning an Oscar anytime soon, and she’s actually fairly happy being a housewife, Heather decided to do Terry the honor of finally becoming Mrs. Dubrow.

Farewell & RIP obscure Heather Paige Kent. Hello finally semi-famous Heather Du-EyeBrow.

At Gretchen Rossi‘s house she and her hopeful soon-to-be fiance Slave Smiley are sitting on the patio for morning coffee. Gretchen is oh-so casual in her full pageant make-up and hair, while Slave is in a bathrobe drinking from a Fashionista Queen coffee mug. He wishes he were a fashionista queen! LOL. After some chit-chat, Gretchen drops the bomb: She wants to go to therapy because she doesn’t think their relationship can move forward until he gets his affairs in order.

Slave‘s not making much progress and her clock is ticking. If they want a spinoff they better do something quick and no rent-a-ring with a faux diamond is going to make Andy Cohen draw up a contract! Hello, marriage + baby = TV show. Slave agrees. It’s all about the famewhoring and the benjamins doing everything he can to prove his love.

Does anyone else feel like Brooks and Slave are sort of eerily similar. Like too eerily similar. Anyone else feel like this is like a Lifetime movie, where Slave and Brooks are actually brothers who are running a grifter scam on these two wealthy-ish desperate women? Who will hopefully realize it’s a love built on lies and ban together to expose them. Now that would be some good reality TV! Ok, maybe I watch too many made for TV movies.

Alexis is expanding her Jesus approved empire and is well on her way to becoming a reality mogul in the form of Alexis Hoeture. Apparently these beautiful garments will be featured in a magazine spread with Alexis doing a photoshoot to advertise.

She explains, she’s like really improved in the modeling department. This is true Alexis has – cause it couldn’t get any worse than the last spectacle we witnessed. Sadly, NOT improving were the clothes, which still look like Marshall’s clearance rack. My favorite shot was the see-thru dress where we could practically see her labia. #WWJD? Yuck, I sound like Tammie Sue!

Alexis wants to whizz through these pics quickly so she can jet back home and do her wifely duties. She probably doesn’t want Jim to find out she was playing career girl instead of Hoe-y Homemaker. As Alex McCord Tweeted, sometimes being a Housewife gets in the way of being a housewife.

Moving on, Heather skeddadles over to the DMV where she is completing the steps to become Mrs. Dubrow *official*! She tries charming the DMV employee who is checking her record by asking, “”Did you find out I’m on the lam?” Sadly, the woman is thinking ‘You’re not riding on a lamb… are you? No animals allowed!’ In the photo booth she has serious concerns about looking glam enough, I mean after all this is a gift to Terry and he will be framing her license photo amirite? I joke, but I’ve seriously asked them to retake my photo as well.

Later Heather surprises Terry at work with the new license. Terry seems really honored that his wife made the gesture to change her name. He was so sweet and his reaction was so genuine. He announced that they were now officially a unit. I adore these two.  Congratulations Du-Brows!

In other Housewife hoeguling, Tamra is opening a gym. Or a fitness class center. She is meeting with some other gym owners about a partnership and some advice. Eddie is coming with her to offer both moral support and potential financial backing. Tamra shares that her father opened his own small business after losing his job and he has inspired her. She believes that people should work for themselves. Tamra is deciding between opening a gym and a bar. Why not both – together! The treadmills can tell you how many drinks you’ve burned off.

While Tamra is embarking upon a business, Vicki is embarking upon some serious Housewife business. The speakerphone invite. Don’t you love it! She’s calling all the ladies – even the ones she personally detests (because Bravo is lording next season’s contract over her head) – and inviting them on a totally fun girls vay-cay to Costa Rica. Lemme tell you about Costa Rica, first of all it’s in Mexico. Oh, whoa, wait… no it’s not! Dangit, why did I listen to Alexis?!

So Vicki is inviting everyone and coincidentally they can all come. Like tomorrow. Woo Hoo! When she calls Gretchen, the voicemail tells Vicki to call Slave – who doesn’t work for Gretchen but as a supportive partner he takes all her messages, coordinates her affairs, and manages her schedule. Cause he’s just loving like that. Vicki’s face… wow – that was hilarious!

Gretchen and Slade are on their way to therapy. In the car they are bickering about using the phone while driving and really everything. I think somebody has poop in their pants and doesn’t want to get lectured by the mean bad therapist (ahem… Slave).

In the session, the therapist encourages both Gretchen and Slave to break-up be more independent in their own lives and to take accountability. Gretchen complains that Slave isn’t doing anything to expunge his court issues or remedy his huge debts and child support. She explains she isn’t ready to take that on. She also feels he isn’t working towards being more self-sufficient because he is focusing on her, her career, and their relationship.

Gretchen shares that she feels she enables Slave and she doesn’t want to, which is why she hasn’t paid the child support. Although she has hired a lawyer to help contest the issue. The therapist tells her to cut it out and let Slade have space and time to fix it on his own. Which clearly isn’t happening after 3 years. I applaud their effort, but some things never change.

Slade agrees that from 10-2 each day he will work on sorting through his legal and financial mess – and Gretchen has to leave him alone. My guess is from 10-2 he’ll be browsing the internet and playing solitaire. Hopefully not!

Finally, it’s the Tamra vs. Alexis showdown we’ve all been waiting for. They meet at a restaurant of course, because no one on these shows can have screaming matches in the privacy of their own homes.

Alexis says that she basically wants to make sure they can be civil to each other before going on the cast trip to Costa Rica. #FieldTripsByBravo! And she wants to see if their friendship can get back on track. I thought that was very adult and a valid point. Alexis is really impressing me with her maturity this season!

Sadly, Tamra‘s face said, ‘Friendship? What friendship? We never had one, bitch!’ And they started bickering about Alexis‘ nose job. Why do the Housewives do this; they pick one ridiculous instance (a voicemail, a black baby comment, a cookbook, a nose job…) and they rehash it over and over throughout the season. Alexis’ nose job is the new cookbookgate is the new blackbabygate.

Right from there it went exactly as Bravo had hoped it would – by descending into an argument. Tamra basically says Alexis is fake, insecure, phony, and full of lies about her money, her possessions, and her life. Alexis is confused, she just wants to know why they can’t get along. Tamra says they just have nothing in common, plus she thinks Alexis is a shallow person. “How can you trust someone who has tits bigger than her head?” Tamra wants to know.

Then Gretchen gets dragged into the mix, because she’s basically stirring the pot and talking about Alexis to Tamra and vice versa. I think it was ridiculous that Tamra called Alexis out on being image obsessed – um… they all are. Alexis agrees she’s kinda a gold digger who wants nice things, but she works hard for them. She married Jim for Christ’s sakes! “Work hard, reward hard,” she declares.

I was really on board with a lot of what Tamra was saying until she put Dr. Terry in the middle and told Alexis he thought she was the phoniest person he’d ever met. Especially since it was hearsay. That was uncalled for. Then I started to feel bad for Alexis. Poor, beleaguered Lex with her big boobs and teeny brain, but her sweet nature.

You know what, I do think Alexis was on the side of right here. She wanted to just create a peaceable working relationship so everyone could get along. I think Alexis’ new broadcasting coach is really helping her with her speaking skills, she was very poised in this argument. You can’t win ‘em all, Lex!

And next week: Costa Rica bound and when the wine starts flowing so too do the tears! Everyone gangs up on Alexis round two. Also, Heather sets Vicki straight!

WILL SLAVE AND GRETCHEN EVER GET IT TOGETHER AND GET MARRIED? ARE BROOKS AND SLAVE SECRET BROTHERS? TEAM ALEXIS OR TEAM TAMRA?

 

 

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