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Oh Real Housewives of Orange County – it’s almost time for us to part ways, but not before some magnificent drama. Oh, yes last night’s episode. Oh it was a silly bit of fun. Princess Thespian of All Times Heather Dubrow had a re-naming party which is not at all like a wedding, except it took the same precedence as a wedding in her mind.

And because it was the all-important end of the season cast party when Bravo makes everyone put on their mankiest fur coats and truck out to some godforsaken themed event, everyone was there. Like even the ones that aren’t really there, if you catch my drift.

But before we get to that little shin-dig, we have to wade through the rest of this episode. Things start out with Tamra Barney meeting Heather and Gretchen Rossi for drinks cause she has a very special announcement. Tammie Sue is gettin’ married for the very third time.

Oh, Tammie – I love your optimism. This ones really gonna work isn’t it? This is like a Lifetime movie. Did I mention that I am totally obsessed in a big huge way with Lifetime – cause I am. And before you ask – yes, I watched Blue Lagoon.

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Side Note: Gretchen shows up and is wearing like an entire parakeet attached to each ear. Those things were giving me an aneurism, but they distracted me from her hair and make-up which usually has me transfixed. In a bad way. Tamra and Gretchen were also wearing the exact same colors. Birds of a feather…

So everyone is all excited about Tamra‘s big announcement, but someone is missing. Someone is not excited for Tamra’s big announcement. It’s Vicki Gunvalson. Nope, she’s too busy cataloging her Hallmark cards to care. Friend of the year right there.

Speaking of real friends – there’s none of them on this show! Alexis Bellino is grabbing dinner with Sarah Winterchester of the Winterchester Rifles from backwoods east Tennessee.  Not to be confused the Winchester Rifles. No the Winterchesters run a blackmarket gun smuggling operation; scratching the serial numbers off and selling them out of a trailer park down by the holler.

Yeah, so that Sarah is picking at dinner and guzzling cocktails with Alexis. They don’t have real vodka round her parts – only maraschino cherry flavored moonshine that paw made in the back yard with an a distiller constructed from old car parts. WoooWeeee!

Alexis is prattling on about the Costa Mexico Intervention-smackdown-gang up and Sarah is very sympathetic. Gretchen is apparently a mutual friend and Sarah is quite surprised that she would like totally join in on the attack. I just want to know when Alexis skinned a sheep and threw it on over her dress? Is it left over from her cavewoman halloween costume? Me Alexis, You Jim.

Since Jim Blob is skipping Heather‘s name change extravaganza, Alexis invites Sarah – without asking Heather first. Ooopsie! Queen control freak isn’t going to like that! Sarah says that Heather scares her because her face doesn’t move and she can’t tell what she’s thinking. I think that will all change tonight. Anyway, she suggests that Heather has been dipping into the botox pond a bit too much.

So they’re all going to this party which spells Trouble. Double DD trouble. On the day of the shin-dig, Heather is rushing around her palatial backyard, which I swear is as big as Central Park. Heather is all excited about this party – well except for the cake. The cake is big ol’ disappointment – even with the faux diamonds.

And speaking of diamonds, Heather will be hosting a champagne toast and eveyone’s glass will have a little fake diamond in it – and one lucky girl will find a REAL rock in her drink. Lord knows, I hope Alexis wins that prize because it seems she’s in need of a real diamond.

Over at Vicki‘s house she is getting ready and I don’t know what she’s wearing. It’s the color of old pantyhose and it’s all rucched up the butt-crack – which is funny because it barely covers her butt. Really – not flattering. Luckily Brooks Ayers shows up and he has just the thing to hide the unfortunate dress. In my best Bob Barker voice: A new fuuuurrr coat! Yep, Brooks has bestowed upon Vicki a quarter length fur coat. I noticed it didn’t have tags and it wasn’t in a box. Ahemmm… used.

Since Mr. Hallmark has no employment to speak of, besides wrangling Vicki (ala Slave Sr.) I have to wonder how on earth he afforded such a luxury. I mean we know he is no Terry Dubrow. Vicki is just crowing about how Brooks bought her a brand new fur and so take that world – he is so rich! I think Brooks is working for the Russian Mob. Is he the Hallmark Hitman? Is Vicki going to end up on Mob Wives soon?

Tamra and Eddie are headed to Heather‘s and Tamra is rocking some serious Dolly Parton hair – was it from her wig collection? In the limo on the way over, Tamra announces she finally told Vicki about the engagement and Vicki reacted with concern because Tamra  just signed divorce papers six months ago. She thinks Tamra and Eddie are moving too fast. Interesting coming from a woman who is NOT divorced, but living with Brooks, sharing checking account, and letting him carry her purse all over town.

Heather is getting ready in her manse and complaining about Alexis. She worries that Alexis will, like, ruin her party by confronting Terry, which is “wildly inappropriate.” She repeats the word inappropriate at least 60 times before it emerges that Jim and Terry will be having lunch to talk. Do men do these things? Terry doesn’t understand why Jim can’t just come to the house. Well, because that would be “inappropriate.” Something tells me that’s an oft used refrain at the Dubrow Palace.

Alexis has no plans to cause a confrontation. She is turning over a new leaf and starting fresh with the ladies. She just wants there to be no drama at this event Bravo is forcing her to attend. After all – she knows she’s not materialistic and everyone else she called and asked agreed with her.

As the ladies stream in, each one is more bowed over than the next by the spectacular sprawl that is Heather‘s everyday life. Her house is, like, phenomenal and everyone is afraid to breathe. Even Vicki was gobsmacked. This was some RHOBH realness. Heather’s house is spectacular – and tasteful – but can you imagine living with all that white? Where exactly do the children go?

As Alexis and Sarah awkwardly descend into the backyard, Heather‘s face partially contorts into fury. Which means her mouth moves a quarter of an inch and her eyelid barely flutters. She can’t believe Alexis had the audacity to invite Sarah to the party – and even worse Sarah looks like she should be working the corner off the Las Vegas strip. Yes, Heather seriously said that. While Alexis was approaching in some dead rodent of a coat and a mini dress. These two were some busted up Pretty Woman rejects. Sarah’s dress was straight up Frederick’s of Hollywood tacky. <<shudder>>

Vicki arrives with Brooks and she tells everyone who she encounters that Brooks bought her a fur coat. No one cares. Tamra is not wearing her ring because she doesn’t want anyone to ask about it. Which is very weird. She claims it’s Heather‘s night and she doesn’t want all the attention. Uhhh… who replaced Tamra with a normal person who shows concern for others?  Therefore Tamra annoyed that Vicki is broadcasting the coat thing. Seriously – did Vicki ever take that coat off? Making your brand new used fur reek of sweat = gross.

Interesting to note that every single lady of the RHOC cast – including Sarah – was wearing some variation of a fur coat. I think it was a ploy to make Vicki‘s fur less exciting. Like, oh look – another fur. Next. Oh, and Slave was wearing a turtleneck. No.

Briana Culberson arrives with her new hubby. She and Vicki have not spoken since the blowout over Brooks. Briana looks adorable and is not wearing fur – instead she is rocking a $20 dress. My kinda girl! She and Vicki sort of circle each other warily, but then take some photos.

As the party goes on, Jeana Keough and Kara show up. Apparently Gretchen and Slave have invited them, but unlike Alexis, they got permission in advance. What that really means is BRAVO invited the Keoughs and told Heather it was mandatory. Tamra is all weirded out given that she hasn’t seen Jeana since last year’s cast party when she lobbed a glass of wine in her face.

They decide to avoid each other and Jeana sticks by Vicki – who she also hasn’t seen since last year. Vicki has been busy with Brooks and with phasing ex-TV people out of her life. Not willing to let the drink toss go is Kara, who has brought a cheap garbagebag style poncho with her. She pulls it over her dress with Briana‘s help and announces that she is a “tiny, very angry Shamu.” Aka Tamra bait.

Kara just stands outside, chatting amicably, looking chic despite her poncho, and waiting for Tamra to lose her cool and approach. Kara, the psych major, doesn’t have to wait long as she master manipulates the situation or perhaps the invisible producer hand was prodding it along. Tamra approaches and they sit down to have a talk. Apparently the Barneys and Keoughs were the best of friends pre-divorce (they were?) and Kara is still incensed that Tamra would mistreated her mom and threw wine in her face.

Tamara turns on the fakest, most tearless, sobbing I’ve ever seen. It was horrifying. She’s warbling like drunk sorority girl about how sorry she is and really it was the worst acting I’ve ever seen. Worse even than Melissa Gorga. An Emmy is NOT in Tamra’s future. Jeana eventually comes over and they tepidly make up. Neither lady really even cares at this point and it was some useless attempt to garner some drama and bilk a long-dead storyline. Lame.

The real drama happens when Heather learns that a drunk Sarah – who has been previously warned by Alexis to stop putting them away – has broken a piece of her cake off and eaten it. Before the cake was officially served. Heather is flabbergasted by the rudeness. Reacting like a true Housewife looking for next season’s contract, she rallies the troops and advances for the attack.

“She. broke. the. bow. off. my. cake. and. ate. it,” Heather fumes. Thems fightin words! She confronts Sarah, who admits she did it but doesn’t care. She slurs that she fails to see what the big deal is and protests that she has a “sugar problem.” I think she meant an alcohol problem. Like she likeys the cocktails a wee bit too much.

Heather can’t believe this is happening since this cake is like, sacred; it’s like a wedding cake. This is her RE-NAMING ceremony. The unrefined Winterchester in Sarah is bubbling to the surface. Like Tamra says – who’s from the trailer park?

Alexis is frantically trying to both defend Sarah and smooth the situation over. Alexis doesn’t want Sarah to be ganged up on, so she’s fighting the battle she wished she had fought in Costa Mexico. Sadly, it’s not working. Again.

Sarah apologizes, but her apology style leaves much to be desired. ‘Yeah, bitch I ate the effing bow. So sue me. Want my maxed out credit card? Now gimme a drink!” Heather, infuriated and shocked that Sarah is arguing and yelling, tells her to get herself together and come back. And apologize again presumably. Yes, Heather put an uninvited guest in timeout, which is better than kicking her out I suppose.

Actually I love Heather in mommy-mode. She proceeds to hand Sarah an Oreo for her “sugar problem.” Sarah is staring at the Oreo like it has mythical powers that can tell her the secret to achieving Dubrow wealth – or maybe she just loves Heather an awful lot?

Heather is annoyed that Sarah is going on and on like a broken record, yet not understanding how inappropriate her behavior was. Sarah retaliates by calling Heather “pretentious.” Heather, outraged, points for her to go off and get herself calmed down again. Sarah is stupefied and Alexis is piping up over her shoulder trying to tell Heather to lay off. It was ridiculous.

Next Week: Vicki and Tamra get into a huge fight over Brooks. Briana joins ranks against her mom. Sarah gets thrown out of Heather’s party.

THOUGHTS ON PART 1 OF THE SEASON FINALE? WAS SARAH RUDE OR DID HEATHER OVER-REACT? 

 

 

 

 

 

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