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Thankfully, Teen Mom wasn’t nearly as depressing this week. Last week’s premiere of Teen Mom was a train wreck.  This week, instead of weeping like a fool, I sat completely dumbfounded.   These girls have come so far yet have gone nowhere.  How is that possible? I spent the bulk of the hour resisting the urge to bang my own head against a wall.

At least the super adorable and maturing (someone has to, right?) toddlers bring a new aspect to the show.  Too bad we can’t just watch them and skip their parents.  Let’s pitch ‘Dr. Drew’s Daycare’ to MTV.

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Catelynn and Tyler Graduate High School

Let’s start with the positive. Catelynn Lowell and Tyler Baltierra  prepare for their high school graduation.  Their parents are proud of them, they’re proud of themselves, and, someday when she’s old enough to understand, Carly is going to be proud of them.  These two kids have been through so much – namely the pregnancy and adoption of Carly and dealing with their never-ending family drama. Seriously, their oddly blended family is MESSED UP.  Every step of the way, they pushed through with their eye on the prize, a high school diploma.

Catelynn’s dad and brother come to town for the graduation.  Not shocking, Butch is in jail.  He’s scheduled to be released the day after graduation, so Tyler’s dad won’t be there to see him graduate. Tyler has learned not to get his hopes up where Butch is concerned  Catelynn’s mom April, looking healthier than she has in years, tells Catelynn Lowell how proud she is of her. Catelynn is the first person in her family to graduate high school.

Catelynn and Tyler spend a lot of time talking about the future, which is refreshing. I’d much rather hear them make future plans than constantly question their past decisions.  Tyler wants a degree in social work and Catelynn wants a teaching degree.

Maci is a Control Freak

That pretty much sums it up.  Maci Bookout is a control freak  - with a side dish of “full of herself.”  Bentley’s Daddy, Ryan Edwards, is planning on taking Bentley on a week-long family vacation.  Last week, Maci couldn’t drop Bentley off at daycare for a few hours.  How does she plan on handling Bentley being gone for an entire week?

Well, she’s going to invite herself tag along, that’s how.  Maci talks it over with Kyle King.  He thinks it’s a good idea.  I don’t think this is the reaction Maci was hoping for.  She pushes the issue again and again, almost as if she’s disappointed that Kyle didn’t work himself up into a jealous rage over the thought of Maci vacationing with her ex-fiance.  Kyle says, “You gonna do what you gonna do.”  That roughly translates to, you’re a bitch and wouldn’t listen to me even if I did care.  Kyle might look dumb but he knows what’s up.

Maci calls Ryan to see what he think about the idea.  He starts out honest – “My family and I get Bentley for ONE week out of the whole year and you want to invite yourself?” Maci completely considers his point of view.  Ryan quickly concedes. Again, Maci is surprised to hear a yes.  Ryan says, “Well, I can’t stop you.”  That translates to, see Kyle’s translation above.  Ryan drops the “girlfriend” bomb on Maci. Maci cannot believe Ryan has a girlfriend she didn’t know about.

While talking to her friends about the girlfriend, Maci seems to take great pleasure in the thought of Ryan’s new girlfriend not living up to the awesomeness that is Maci.  A friend suggests maybe “new girl” is sweet.  Well, Maci says she is sweeter.  Giggling, Maci says, “She doesn’t stand a chance.”

I don’t understand why it’s so hard for Maci to just be happy for Ryan, to wish him well.  At the very least, Maci should accept the fact that Ryan wants nothing to do with her.

Farrah is an Idiot

Oh, Farrah Abraham.  Michael does everything for Farrah.  Farrah appreciates nothing.  Michael offers Farrah guidance.  Farrah tells him to piss off.  Michael says, “I’m talking to you in a loving way, Farrah.” Farrah says, “Good for you, Michael.” As always, Farrah is hostile and overly dramatic in every scene with her parents. In other Farrah news, the baby voice that Farrah inherited from her mother is SO annoying.

Michael says goodbye, he’s going back home.  Farrah actually thanks him for his help. Color me shocked!

Farrah tells us she gave away her puppy before moving to Florida.  Remember Candy? Farrah hid the dog from Debra, and then she put diapers on the dog since she couldn’t be bothered to potty train it.  Since she had to give Candy away and Farrah wants Sophia to have a pet, she takes Sophia to the pet store to buy a fish.  While they’re at the pet store, Farrah looks at the puppies.  She tells the pet store clerk that she used to have a puppy but he was difficult, hyper, and would not listen.  (Pot, meet kettle.  Kettle, meet pot.) Farrah decides she wants a new puppy more than she wants a fish.  She pretends Sophia still has a say in the matter.  “Sophia, do you want a fish or a puppy?” Fish! Sophia fully understands her mother’s limits.

“Sophia, don’t you want a puppy?” Fish! “Sophia, you want a puppy.”  Fish!  “Sophia, do you want a fish or a dog?”  And so on… Sophia is excited to bring home her fish. Needless to say, Farrah gets a puppy.  Sophia does not get a fish, but at least she gets an age-appropriate playmate who will not talk to her endlessly about lost love, teenage romps, and college classes.

Sophia does enjoy the puppy.  They’re too cute together.  The puppy chews wires, Sophia chews on her shirt.  The puppy pees on the floor, Sophia… does not pee on the floor… yet.  Seriously, Sophia needs some socialization with other little kids. After the puppy pees on the floor, Farrah puts him in his crate. Only then does she wonder if she took on too much responsibility.  She should ask her parents for advice.  She should get a few more puppies and toddlers to prove how much of an adult she is.

Amber Considers a Future with Gary

Gary Shirley visits his lawyer because he needs permission to bring Leah to see her mom in rehab in CA.  Gary’s best efforts aren’t good enough for Amber Portwoood. She asks him to hurry, and she fails to realize that she is responsible for all of the hoops Gary is jumping through to arrange this visit.  Gary tells his mom that he has high hopes about his future with Amber.  Gary’s mom listens, sips her Big Gulp, and regrets dropping Gary on his head as a baby.

Amber’s caseworker JJ visits.  Has she made any improvements in her anger management?  Absolutely, says Amber.  100%.  She credits a big change of meds, scenery, and people.  Basically, she’s completely zen when she’s fully medicated, completely alone, and sitting on a bench staring at the ocean all day. It’s just the minor details of day-to-day responsibility and human interaction that is too much for Amber to handle. JJ asks Amber about her end goal where Gary is concerned.  Should they try to be together or go their separate ways?

Amber calls her brother for his insight on the matter.  He bluntly tells Amber her relationship with Gary is toxic and no amount of therapy is going to fix what’s wrong. He seems to have a good head on this shoulders until he goes on and on about Gary needing Amber to be dependent on him.  Gary doesn’t want Amber to get better, Gary will not support Amber on getting better, and Gary will always bring Amber down. Gary makes Amber the way she is because of his own insecurities.  Head smack!  It’s easy to see why Amber is a constant victim to her own life when the enablers in her life feed her such crap.  I’m not saying it’s not partly true, but there’s no room in this scenario for Amber to accept responsibility for her own actions.  Everything is Gary’s fault and poor Amber is just a helpless pawn in Gary’s game.

Gary tells Amber that he and Leah will be there the next day.  The previews for next week’s episode lead us to believe that Amber is not yet cured.  Shocker.

TELL US – All these years later, are you Team Maci or Team Ryan?  Catelynn and Tyler are getting married next July.  Once the MTV cameras stop rolling and they move on with their lives as simply Catelynn and Tyler, and not MTV personalities playing a role, do you think they’ll make it long term?  

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