Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta we learned valuable lessons can be gained from reality TV. Namely how NOT to get a man to marry you. Kenya Moore illustrated that point in the best way possible when she used every man repellant trick in the book to try and bamboozle Walter into dropping down on one knee. Do not beg a man on national TV to marry you – especially when the show you're on falls into the "reality TV" category. #HowNotToBehaveAndWhy
Things begin with NeNe Leakes, Gregg, and some not so subtle hints. Given that they're moving to LA so NeNe can hit the big time in Hollywood, Gregg has fished out their wedding champagne flutes and poured some wine and then Oooohhh… baby! Bryson shows up with his new daughter Bri'Asia and she is too cute. Awww… babies are even making me overlook NeNe's really unflattering, heftybag-looking brown jumpsuit.
NeNe and Gregg double-team Bryson with a Come To Jesus talk about getting a job, earning his own money and not neglecting his responsibilities. I personally love when NeNe and Gregg lecture – they need to do some sort of motivational speaking summit for parents of the wayward, cause they are hilarious. NeNe discusses her own past being a single mom at 21 and how it helped her get her act together. Hopefully the same can be done for Bryson!
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Over at Kandi Burruss' house things are reversed and it is Riley who is giving her mom and Todd a lecture about rushing into things and healthy relationships. Riley is a harsh critic. Good! Apparently there was some friction early on between Riley and Todd, who Riley perceived as showing up one day and moving into her house. Now they are bonding (over fried chicken wings – yum – which Todd cooked) and things are getting better.
Ok, so Todd. I think maybe he's just awkward on camera because he seems nice and Kandi is really happy. He's a little aloof, no? Regardless, I think they are a cute couple and I'm really happy for them.
So Kenya and her aunt go grab a glass of wine where Kenya shares some shower time TMI about how Walter didn't want to get soapy with her and that is the surest sign this relationship isn't working. It has absolutely nothing to do with the relationship being fake and Kenya being Gone With The Wind Insane?
Apparently Kenya just doesn't understand why Walter doesn't want her!? I'm sure Porsha Stewart would explain it's because she is over 40 and that's like you know practically living in Willie Watkins Mausoleum, but whateves…
Who tells their aunt, who doubles as a mother figure, about how some man won't get busy with you in the shower? Ew. Kenya decides it's time to talk to Walter about his neglect. A woman has needs… and of those needs include a televised proposal.
Porsha and Kandi go furniture shopping together. Porsha explains her shopping strategy as 'Oh – mine!' Which is because she's not paying for it
and has the mental acumen of a six-year-old. Kandi explains that she prefers to "ball on a budget" and she is not into blowing her wad on nonsense. Aaaahhh… if only other Housewives could live by that motto! Apparently Kim Zolciak adopted it but would prefer to lie and just let us think she's still balling Big Poppa!
Porsha chats about her marriage and how much she loves Kordell. She loves him so much they don't even have a prenup. EEEEEERRRRK! NO PRENUP! Somewhere in Atlanta a huge bang was heard as She By SheBroke's head exploded. All that remained was some singed hair, She By Sheree for Kitsy Lane earrings, and an air mattress. Seven figures, baby.
Kandi doesn't understand this no prenup thing because she is the one with the most money in her relationship. Which is why she will have a prenup. Porsha says if Kordell ever leaves her all she wants is her name – just like Tina Turner! Oh Hollywood romances. Ok, I admit it – I think Porsha is pretty cute and charming.
NeNe is taking her glam'baby shopping. Coming with her is Cynthia Bailey. NeNe maybe slips that her friendship with Cynthia isn't so real outside the show when she says 'Cynthia is the person I talk to the most on the cast… '
They oooh and gush over the baby, which a DNA test confirmed was Bryson's. Cynthia suggests a Sip 'N See, which is a long-honored southern tradition invented two-years-ago by Phaedra "Dubious Due Date" Parks. Actually I love the idea. NeNe regretfully admits she is not the baby's mom and therefore doesn't have the authority to throw anything. Instead NeNe is dumping buckets of money on her glam'baby by scrounging up little Loubie crib slippers. Does such a thing exist?
Kenya is still reeling over the fact that Walter doesn't love her but he loves that paycheck he's getting to play her boyfriend. To take her mind off how nobody wants to do a made-for-TV wedding with her she's in some sort of boxing themed pin-up photo shoot for a men's magazine.
Kenya explains that all the men in all the world want her hot ass – except her own man. But that's because her "own" man knows that hot ass comes attached to koo-koo krazy. #twirl Illustrating Gone With The Wind Fabulous, Kenya puts a skunk wig on and boxes in a boob baring wrap dress. America's Next Top Model gone wrong!
Kandi shows up to
pimp her sex toy business support her friend with a little present to help Kenya deal with what Walter's contract doesn't mandate. Hint: Bedroom Kandi.
Kenya explains bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz – if Walter doesn't want her, this battery operated bedroom buddy does! Kenya complains to Kandi that Walter thinks she wants to get married tomorrow – but she doesn't – just some day. Yeah. That's totally why she was begging him to elope last week. Can we get this woman on drugs heavier than Chardonnay? Maybe some Ramona Singer Pinot…
Back at Casa de renta-Leakes, NeNe, Gregg, and Brent are packing for the big LA move. Brent will be getting homeschooled while NeNe is on set and Gregg will be walking the dog around the park. NeNe is loading everything up in boxes, and I noticed she paid $100,000 for movers to pack wigs and make-up and china her married lover bought her. Oh, whoops – wrong Housewife. Nope, NeNe and the fam packed their own stuff – including a giant close-up photo of NeNe's face. Can't leave home without that!
In the middle of packing NeNe's agent calls and NeNe whips out a sequined Pop Phone ( iPhone handset adaptor to look like an oldschool phone) and learns she is now the proud rentee of a Hollywood Hills home near Tyler Perry.
Oh this show is just getting too contrived and fake. Please…
So Cynthia is throwing another congratulations on your success party for NeNe. What on earth was in that Friend Contract; that Cynthia must honor NeNe with a weekly adoration event? Anyway all the ladies are required to attend. Kandi must have been required to wear a sequined diaper because that is the only reason I can fathom she would walk out of the house wearing those "shorts." I assume they are part of the Bedroom Kandi Coochie Ball Collection. Just… no.
Cynthia starts cracking open the moscato she endorses, everyone rolls in. Peter whisks the men into the living room and immediately starts pouring shots of tequila.
Porsha arrives and she purses her lips, greets all the ladies, rolls her eyes and plops down in her assigned seat next to Kenya. Her body language says: 'yuck!'. Kandi explains that Porsha wants to say something to Kenya. About what – didn't she do that last week?
They all move into the dining room where everyone tells us how awesome NeNe's success is and Kenya co-ops the moment by telling the riveting story of that one time when she had to stop for Cup O Noodles and wine coolers at the corner store and a drunk stumbled up to her and slurred 'Beyoncè?! Beyoncè!?! Is that you,u girl? How Jay-Zzzzzzzzzzzzz?' It was, besides the tarnished Miss USA crown, the crowning achievement of her life.
Next to her Porsha nearly chokes on a yogurt parfait as she rolls her eyes so high and hard I'm worried they may get stuck, but I totally agree. Kenya continues yammering on about how she is ALWAYS confused for Bey – even once at the Inaugural ball when she was hounded by photographers and over 100 hundred autograph seekers!
Kenya – it was probably because you were twirling around the White House Gate screaming 'Obama and Kenya: Changing History With Gone With The Wind Fabulous!' while people gawked. She woke up the next morning in her toga realizing she had waaay, waaay too much to drink when she crashed that Howard U party!
Anyway, I think we know why Kenya always travels with SECURITY! It's because people are always confusing her for Beyoncè …
Porsha decides if Kenya is Beyoncè than she is Solange. And everyone else tries not to choke back laughter at Kenya's constant crazy. Cynthia wonders why Beyonce 2.0 can't get anyone to put a ring on it…
After everyone drinks too much Cynthia-endorsed wine, Peter and Cynthia launch into a 'Look we're not getting divorce' rendition of Phaedra and Apollo's tongue-sucking kiss. It was gross. It was lizards in heat. The sentiment was hilarious.
And the delusion continues! Kenya takes Walter fishing because she thinks getting him out into the country and fresh air will help clear his mind.
And it's also easier to dispose of the body. Walter is wearing his best Gucci casual wear and would rather be guzzling creek water than spending time in the great outdoors with this woman.
Kenya almost immediately starts on him because he won't dive into the swamp and unhook the dead tree branch and six-pack ring she caught. This is supposed to be romantic, people! This is cue for Kenya to start whining and begging Walter to have sex with her then announce it with a T-Shirt that says: "I went to the Miss USA archives and all I got was SEX with Miss USA 1993! Twirl!" That shirt actually may be for sale on Kenya's t-shirt site…
Kenya apparently needs to advertise a lot that she is still desirable and Walter is not taking the bait – pun intended. Speaking of fishing analogies, I'm going to give one to Kenya: Kenya you can not just reel a man in with cheap bait. The man is not casting his pole for you. Please let it go. There are other fish in the sea. As you would know since you have been engaged six times.
Kenya whines that Walter is "disconnected" from her because he doesn't want to kiss her and hold her hand. She just wants to know this relationship is going somewhere. She wants Walter to worship her like this is 1994 and she was a kind of a big deal. She tells him since he wouldn't have sex with her in the shower that is proof positive this relationship is going down the drain.
“So I control what you do? I have to tell you when it’s time to kiss or fuck?” Walter mad. Walter annoyed. Walter bad actor. NeNe need help with acting. Walter run.
Walter tells Kenya he's tired of the pressure. His line is about to snap and his non-answer to all her demands pretty much seals the deal that this relationship is ovah! Finally he says, “This is not working." Kenya stomps off with Velvet – yes she brought her lap dog. Since Walter won't succumb someone needs to be at her beck and call.
And that was the moment that Walter Jackson finally dropped down on his knees. Except it was to thank Jesus for getting him away from this woman largely unharmed and alive with no sperm forcibly removed in the process. As Phaedra would say: Mmmmmhhhhmmmmm.
TELL US – IS THIS THE END OF KENYA AND WALTER? CAN YOU BELIEVE PORSHA DOESN'T HAVE A PRENUP?