Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta things were light on crazy and heavy on confusion, double-speak, and tiaras. The most confusing thing happening was figuring out what language Porsha Stewart and hubby Kordell are even speaking. I mean Porsha definitely lives in a world of her own vocabulary where meanings and pronunciation are like, kinda, irrelevind – right?!
As for Kordell, he's the king so he do what he wants and decided to tackle a little problem of Housewives diplomacy. There's no use! Is Kordell an otherworldly genius or just… um… well, not?
In other antics Cynthia Bailey decided being the hostess of a pageant also made her the queen of all she sees. Lady Bailey was rocking her little rhinestone tiara all over town in the hopes some fool would take notice of her regality – which also equated with being a biatch. I'm sure Porsha would describe it as bitchgality.
So let's begin… Kordell is turning the big 4-0. Which is like the new 15 or something. To celebrate his bithday Porsha is throwing him a Harlem Renaissance themed party. Since she's also helping Cynthia with the Miss Renaissance pageant, she's busting out a pageant gown-cum-Josephine Baker collection of dresses that are perfect for the twirl and wave. She's been reviewing Kenya Moore's Miss USA footage and practicing in secret.
'Here she comes… Miss America. Oh I mean, Miss WHOOOOOOO-S-AAAAAAAA…. '
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Porsha's mom and sister come over while she puts on a fashion show of her top choices to get Kordell's stamp of fashionality. Apparently when they're not mashing yams and making up words, Kordell and Porsha like to play Barbie and Ken with Kordell treating her like his own personal Barbie doll.
In short, Kordell pays A. LOT. of attention to what she wears. Now every marriage has it's own um… charm, but maybe her husband needs to spend less time in her closet bossing her around. But hey – if it makes them happy, right?! Cynthia thinks Kordell is "controlling."
Over at Kandi Burruss' house Phaedra Parks arrives to announce she's feeling "very Oprah." How does one embrace their inner Oprah exactly? Well, guzzle kool-aid – or instant extra sweet iced tea (seriously Kandi?!) – while sitting around complaining about a certain booty-nabbing copycat named Kenya!
Phaedra, who decides she is filled with gratitude as part of her inner Oprah, says that crazy is as crazy does and everybody knows if you're going to be mocking her bootyliciousness, best not try it with one of those Victoria's Secret "free coupon" panties, because that my friends is an insult!
Kandi is surprised by this new gracious and unaffected Phaedra, who has apparently been spending a lot of time watching OWN while practicing her donkey booty moves, because at NeNe Leakes' Shoedazzle event Phaedra was obviously unnerved by Kenya's stunt. Now Phaedra is acting like no harm, now foul – except when the victim of a nut's outbursts.
Phaedra exonerates herself from talking crap about Kenya stating she's said all those things about her being a bi-polar, alcoholic who needs some meds to her face. I think Kenya's butt must have absorbed all the criticism because there is NO WAY the Kenya we know would sit there and take someone saying all that to her face without reacting. I call fowl on that, Phaedra!
Moving right along, Kenya has just learned some unsettling news. Her booty is disintegrating! No, actually this is very serious – arguably too serious for a reality television show. Kenya is getting a biopsy to analyze some lumps found in her breast. Kenya, raw with emotion, is freaking out about the possibility of having cancer and that she has been focusing so much of her life on things that don't matter when her health is possibly at risk.
I really did feel terrible for her and more on the results later.
Porsha is in the middle of finding the perfect venue for Kordell's party. Preferably one with plenty of dumpsters so Kenya has a place to hang out. Juuust kidding! Porsha's sister arrives bringing with her their niece who she is baby-sitting. Since the niece is around 2, she is unhappy taking a tour of some big fancy house and starts whining and shrieking.
Porsha promises us this sweet little girl is always perfectly behaved. It seems to me Porsha hasn't spent a whole lot of time around toddlers. You know, prone to tantrums and meltdowns – not unlike reality stars!
Speaking of tantrums, we check in on Cynthia. Oh dear. There is a meeting for Miss Renaissance pageant at The Bailey Agency where Cynthia is presiding over things wearing a junior miss tiara awkwardly affixed on top of her head. She must be raiding Noelle's old Halloween costumes or something.
The meeting was previously supposed to happen at Porsha's, but Porsha said she didn't want strangers in her house while her husband was out of town. The strangers being "the Bailey boys" (Cynthia's assistants) so the meeting was moved to the agency. Cynthia trash-talks Porsha's decision to move the meeting to her assistants moments before Porsha arrives.
As soon as Porsha walks through the door, the onslaught begins. One of Cynthia's boys – the one Kenya called SECURITY! on – starts directing her and instructing Porsha on the rules. He makes a snipe about what "strangers" call him. Porsha is not getting it
cause she's dumb as a box of rhinestones. Among the rules is no speaking unless spoken to, stay in your seat at all times, raise your hand to ask a question, and no going to the bathroom without permission. Also dress code required and cursing means detention at recess. The rules, they explain, are in place after that Kenya incident with coochie crack happened.
Cynthia then starts on Porsha about all the things she didn't do, isn't doing, and has been dropping the ball on. This is CYNTHIA's event. So why is Porsha planning it?
Porsha is confused. See she thought she was helping a friend out, not being forced into indentured servitude as an unpaid intern who is technically responsible for putting together most of this pageant. When she gets up to take a phone call from Kordell about very important matters with the housekeepers, Cynthia and The Bailey Boys start murmuring about her behind her back.
Cynthia complains that Kordell is too involved and he is definitely the king. And putting on a tiara has turned Cynthia into the Evil Queen. Off with your head, girl!
Back at Porsha's, Kordell has returned from a trip and she recounts all the confusing things that happened when she was trying to help her friend put on a pageant to raise money for Hosea Feed The Hungry. Poor Porsha – every time this girl has a charity event the charity gets forgotten while the drama reigns supreme. When you hang out with Housewives, you get hysteria!
Kordell takes his wife to task and tells her to check this nonsense and stop with the dramatics. King Kordell is not having Bailey sass and he demands the queen sit this little princess down and tell her where it stands. "You need to check it!" he keeps insisting while Porsha warbles about people being guilty until proven guilty. Oh these two – do we understand anything they say?
NeNe and Gregg have cell phone reception issues while tucked away from the drama high up in the Hollywood Hills. And since they only have each other to focus on NeNe implements a new kissing rule. Greggalicious can only kiss her on the neck and collarbone area while she's wearing lip gloss to avoid smudging. Then they go eat burritos, which totally doesn't ruin your lip gloss at all!
Back in ATL, Cynthia and Porsha meet for wine and more rules. Cynthia has ditched the crown for her lets get serious costume of Russell Simons Jr. Executive attire. She stares coldly at Porsha over her glass of Riesling and fires her from the Miss. Renaissance pageant for being remiss on her responsibilities. Porsha is confused – she was working FOR FREE.
Cynthia doesn't care. Tiara in her hair, don't care! She's made up her mind that Porsha is a failure and dismisses her with a wave of her glass. And now Porsha and Kenya officially have something to bond over. They were both fired from jobs they were doing for free. Dang – I hope Pageant Gate doesn't become Donkey Booty 2.0, although if Porsha puts on a Miss. Kordell's Barbie pageant I will die and go to Housewives heaven! Please let this happen. Please, Please, Please!
After being told she sucks, Porsha looks perplexed and asks if she has to return her tiara. Yes, Cynthia hisses. I need them all. And with that, the Kingdom of Kordell and the Kingdom of Cynthia are at war! Sharpen your stilettos!
Kandi is back in the studio after a long hiatus of being in love, packing on the pounds, and buying a new house. Her producer and partner wonders what exactly is going on with the extra junk in her trunk, and thighs and really everywhere. Full heart, full belly as they say! Perhaps someone can recommend a good workout DVD for Miss. Kandi – donkey or stallion?
He wonders if Ms. Burruss has a little baby bump corresponding with all her new happenings and worries that Kandi's life is going to interfere with their business success.
But Kandi has an idea. She's going to put out a gospel album to celebrate all the blessings she's found. Apparently she's feeling very Oprah too.
And not just in the gratitude department! No one is onboard with this whole move into gospel, but Kandi has already gotten the wheels in motion, written some songs and arranged a meeting with a famous gospel producer.
I'm confused about Kandi's business platform. I guess she covers all aspects of a person's needs. She's got Kandi Koated Nights, Kandi Koated Koochie balls and dildos, and now Kandi Koated Khurch. At least she can sing – that song, "Prayed Up" was amazing. I think she might just be able to pull this off!
Back to the land of Porsha and Kordell (Kordsha?), it's the night of the 40th birthday bash! Porsha shares that Kenya and her Krayonce was left off the guest list because it's Solange's night to shine and she doesn't need any antics or ass cracks.
Making a surprise appearance is Walter who fills the guys in on how things fell apart with Kenya and that after Anguilla he could take no more of being in a relationship he wasn't actually ever in. I wish he would have just come out and admitted that crazy woman brainwashed him into participating in the scheme and then he had an awakening when she tried to drug him and drag him to the Little White Chapel in Vegas. It was all a horrible nightmare, but he's survived. After six weeks in an intensive psychotherapy program in Switzerland he has most of his memories back and he knows that whenever her hears the world twirl that he should just resist the urge to zombiefy and succumb.
So anyway, while that's all sorted out there is still nonsense between Cynthia and Porsha. Porsha has invited her despite the drama because Kordell and Peter are friends. She greets them politely on the red carpet because say whatever one will about Porsha but at least she has some etiquette about her. She does admit she's "perturd" (aka perturbed) by Cynthia's behavior concerning the pageant and she's not entirely willing to forget, but she will forgive because she likes Cynthia.
Cynthia is fine to just swirl around the party in her tiara and pretending she was Miss. something where she'll be trademarking the word "Swirl." After all – she doesn't care about business copying, right!? Unfortunately Kordell has a different agenda.
Presiding over all the Housewives issues, Mr. Housewife (or is it King Housewife) sits Cynthia down for some sort of strange unintelligible lecture about being "steady", not veering all over the road like one is driving in heels. He also says something about eating pie while causing a ruckus. Peter keeps quiet and motions for the waiter to bring him another shot – perhaps it will all make more sense when he's drunk.
Cynthia remains confused. Is Kordell a Housewife? No – so zip it! And furthermore, she doesn't speak chitlins and gravy country so she has no idea what this man is even saying. Porsha plops down next to her and her eyes widen and she nods in rapt agreement to everything that is coming out of Kordell's mouth. Apparently she gets it. "Why y'all can't act right?" he wonders, while Cynthia wonders why he can't just butt out.
Cynthia agrees to get along to escape the awkwardness. Secretly she takes solace in the fact that her tiara is under her hat. So ha!
And finally, Kenya returns to the doctor for some good news. Her biopsy came back as benign but the doctor warns her that extraneous and unnecessary stress is causing her health to suffer.
For all of six seconds Kenya tearfully vows to stop creating drama and focus on the positives. And then the evil glint returns to her eye, and she smiles coolly and we all know Krayonce is back… with a vengeance. Now twirl, bitches. Cause y'all about to be swept up in a tornado and whisked off to Oz!
Next week: Poor Cynthia – it looks like next week her pageant is as wannabe as a rhinestone wants to be a diamond! Luckily Krayonce returns and is on hand to help out!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – KORDELL: SUPPORTIVE HUSBAND OR DICTATOR DADDY? WAS CYNTHIA OUT OF LINE TO FIRE PORSHA FOR INCOMPETENCE OR WAS SHE JUST PROTECTING HER BUSINESS? SHOULD KANDI DO A GOSPEL ALBUM?