A few beautiful wedding dresses can make anything better! Even a limo full of badly behaving Real Housewives of Orange County. Yep, I like even Tamra Barney better when she's all stuffed into a stunning white gown. Maybe because I can imagine the fabric drowning out her voice.
So last night was another infamous Tamra Starts Getting Married episode. After she decided to be the the bigger girl and invite Alexis Bellino to her ultimate special dress shopping extravaganza for trip down the aisle numero tres, friction between Gretchen Rossi who like totally thought she was the numero uno in importance, arose. Tamra no likey.
Tamra meets finace Eddie for dinner at their gym which is still basically an abandoned warehouse at this point and Tamra is wearing some sort of animal hide cape. Seriously – what was that thing Cruella DeVille? I thought Tamra only killed and skinned other housewives. Silence of the Implants!
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Over dinner Tamra reveals to a totally disinterested Eddie that everyone thought he could be a gay man after his impressive turn on the salsa floor last week. "I like to dance" he mumbles through a mouthful of chicken skewer. Look I don't think Eddie is gay (mentally unstable, possibly) but I threw this in there for all the speculators out there! Rip it apart like it's a piece of chicken between Eddie's ferocious little teeth! Rawr.
After teaching us the difference between "mom stomach" (sitting normally) and "supermodel stomach" (sucking it in AbFab style), Tamra reveals that Eddie still won't set a wedding date
until the spinoff contract is signed so she's hoping getting a wedding dress will motivate him. Something tells me Tamra was planning to get Eddie down the aisle if she had to drug and drag him!
Then Tamra complains about Gretchen. Apparently Gretchen has been calling and texting her non-stop since the salsa party wanting to talk about the whole Alexis Exists! thing. Tamra is screening the calls and not responding unless Gretchen agrees to come dress shopping. It's TAMRA'S DAY and she's not putting up with childishness – unless she's the one being childish. It's TAMRA'S DAY remember! Except when it's not.
Onward and upward cause Heather Dubrow has a new job. After her impressive guest spot on Hot In Cleveland she was offered a role on the new Reba McIntyre sitcom Malibu Country. Heather is thrilled and equally supportive is Terry. He's probably realized that when the cats away the mouse can play and that means feeding himself junk food and putting his feet on the coffee table while untucking his shirt. REBEL! Or he could be pulling a Risky Business maneuver which would be so, SO much more exciting.
On the day of Tamra's wedding dress shopping, all of her bestest friends like Lydia McLaughlin and Lauri Peterson and Plastilexis are joining her for the momentous occasion of picking out wedding gown number three. It turns out this actually IS a big deal for Tamra because this will be her first wedding gown that's not pulling double duty as a maternity dress. Yeppers – Tamra has had not one, but TWO (yes, 2) shotgun weddings. Stay Classy Orange County!
Surprisingly Lauri and Vicki Gunvalson show up together at Tamra's house for the limo trek to LA. So, I'm a bit confused – I thought Lauri hated Vicki and here they are laughing and acting like long lost friends. Kill'em with kindness! I just can't decide which one of these two has worse plastic surgery. It's a toss-up!
Speaking of which, Tamra reveals that Gretchen has been sufficiently threatened into attending so they're picking her up last. Perfect time to talk about her! In the limo Lydia explains why she got so upset about cheeseburger-gate and Slave's rude comments about her appearance. Lydia is still fuming about how immature Slave is. Famewhoring knows no age limitations!
Lydia clearly doesn't recognize that it's Slave's M.O to trash the way women look. Luckily Tamra and Vicki fill her in on their haunted past with Slave's comments. #MichelinManFlashback. And there, wearing of all gross things as a tacky wifebeater is Slave loitering outside when they go to pick up Gretchen at her cluttered and messy house. Vicki snipes at her landscaping and Christmas decorations (she probably still had them up in March), and her man decorations – Slave in the undershirt – and over the fact that Gretchen and Slave have "rented" a Rolls for a couple days. LOL! Tamra reminds us that even Heather, who is like actually rich and owns a home the size of Japan to prove it, doesn't drive a Rolls. Burn!
Once inside the limo Lydia notices that Gretchen is rocking a honking huge diamond on her ring finger. 'Oh this old thing…' she muses fluttering her hands and batting her eyelashes. 'It's just from an old fiance. I've had so many men who love me… I just wear it sometimes to remind myself that once upon a time I could have been rich and really living the OC lifestyle. The things we sacrifice for love!'
Everyone is confused about why Gretchen would wear a pretend engagement ring on TAMRA'S DAY especially when they've never seen her wear it leisurely before. That is so weird – who wears an engagement ring from someone they are no longer engaged to on their ring finger when they are living with (and possibly engaged to) someone else?! Was she hoping to duck out once they reached LA and pawn it to pay for the ring Slave will "give" her. Just like he "gave" her a Rolls…
At the bridal shop, massive awkwardness is unfolding as Alexis and Heather are stranded there together. Heather was practically salivating over the "champs" (please stop trying to make that happen!). Seriously both of them had their eyes completely fixated on it as they were forced to make small talk waiting for everyone to arrive. If ever there was an 'I need a drink moment…' It was hilarious! And finally the rest of the gang troops in. Heather mops her brow with a Chanel hankie and sighs about dodging that bullet – imagine if she was forced to actually interact with Alexis.
Alexis is elated that things are going so swell. Like Heather SMILED at her. And didn't call her pathetic afterwards. I mean she might like actually be admitted into the popular crowd. This is starting to remind me of a Tori Spelling Lifetime Movie of the Week I watched back in the 90's…
While Alexis is tepidly admitted into the fold and joins in the fun, Gretchen sulks by herself and refuses to interact with anyone. Lydia sits down with Alexis to commend her on getting along with everyone and remind her how much fun it is to be popular and liked. 'You were right,' Alexis gasps. 'Jesus DOES want me to hang out with the popular girls!'
As Tamra is stuffing herself in to one inner-corsetry after another, Vicki pulls Alexis aside for a little drama-starting session. She lets Alexis know that Gretchen threatened to not come since she was invited but Tamra, who is clearly deserving some sort of exhaulted honor for being decent, defended her and told Gretchen she could stay home if she didn't like it. In response Gretchen is totally ignoring Alexis, but keeps telling us she decided to come anyway since it's TAMRA'S DAY!
If it's TAMRA'S DAY why is everyone so focused on other drama and not on Tamra and the dresses? As Vicki said: been there, done that! In between all the ooooohs and aaaaahs more drama is yet unfolding!
It turns out Alexis needs to leave early to make sure Jim's TV dinner is microwaved after his hard day of supervising Trampboobily Jesus' Jumping Emporium, so she goes to Tamra's dressing room and practically cries about how happy she was to be included. Now Alexis is eating out of the palm of Tamra's hand? How does Tamra do it! Seriously, she is amazing. She is ruthlessly, brutally, callously mean and then she decides you're of use to her and that person will do anything to win her approval. She should be marketing this skill and writing some books. I mean this is something she could make bank on! Screw C-U-N-T Fitness. How about How To Cut A Bitch: A Guide To Being The Ultimate Mean Girl?
Anyway, Alexis tells Tamra she is sooo happy that she defended her to that evil wench Gretchen. Furthermore Alexis hopes Gretchen will actually consume some calories even it means eating Gretchen Christine Bootay makeup to make her pretty on the inside again. Oh Alexis, sweet, sweet dear – that stuff will corrode her even more on the inside. Have you seen what that asbestos laden crap has done to her outsides? Her face looks like one big smear of vaseline on a window. If Gretchen ate that stuff, well… errrr… just have Poison Control on speed dial.
As Tamra spends an exorbitant amount of time in the dressing room trying on dress number 4 with Heather, Lauri takes this opportunity to strike. Oh Lauri, you crafty minx. Lauri dangles a little needle of botox in front of Vicki enquiring about the status of her relationship with Brooks. Pretending she has been weighed down by this terrible burden of information that she must pass along, Lauri acts like she's staging an intervention or something.
And as it would turn out (as if Lauri didn't know) Vicki and Brooks just officially called it quits because he didn't feel she was including her in his life enough. Oh Brooks – he really is a master swindler. He really knows how to dish out an ultimatum wrapped up in a pretty little Hallmark envelope.
He and Lauri have a lot in common…
The fact that they are broken up, largely over Briana's refusal to accept him, deeply saddens Vicki who calls him the most amazing man she's ever known. #SeekHelp. And Lauri, unfurling like a viper with a bad eye job, seizes the opportunity to fill Vicki in on just how amazing Brooks is. It would turn out he's having a little tête-à-tête with a friend of Lauri's daughter.
And how old is this girl? Well not of drinking age – she's possibly 20. Possibly 19. Not to worry, they just have breakfasts and dinners together. But they're not dating. Not officially. They're just… maybe he's mentoring her! OK, actually she considers him a "sugar daddy". Isn't that convenient – he's using Vicki's money to lure in barely legal ladies. Winning!
Vicki starts to freak out. At first she makes a lot of justifications about how since they're not officially together they have an agreement that they can see other people, except she's not seeing any other people. But it's OK if Brooks is dating, cause they're not exclusive! But then Vicki being Vicki, she cannot contain herself.
She is plumbing for details, hyperventilating, freaking out – and Lauri knew she would. Vicki wants to know if Brooks is together with this girl "sexually". Lauri plays coy. Lauri reveals that they met at a midnight poker tournament when he was throwing $100s at her. "Oh that's just what men do," Vicki says desperately. You know Vicki was frantically texting her accountant and imagining her money raining down on hookers!
And that's where the 16% of Vicki's Vodka went…
Lauri teases Vicki that she has a video of the girl if she's interested. Vicki wants to see it ASAP, but Lauri says she doesn't have it with her cause it's a porno video. Yep – the girl is in a porn! Vicki literally spontaneously combusted into a pile of surgical glue, silicone, and plastic parts smoldering right there on Mark Zunino's beautiful sofa. Lauri reassures Vicki – and thankfully us – that Brooks isn't her sex tape star.
He's just funding the whole operation using Vicki's credit card.
The entire time Gretchen is sitting next to Vicki pretending to be consoling while barely containing her smirk. And poor little Bratz Doll Lydia was had her mouth hanging open, catching flies. And where praytell is Tamra in that freaking dress?!?
When Tamra finally waddles out everyone plasters on a Gretchen Plasticine Smile and then they take a photo. Except Vicki looses it and starts crying in the big picture window in front of the store. Tamra is confused. She thought this was HER DAY! Lauri goes to console Vicki and insists she didn't tell her to be mean, despite the fact that two episodes ago she was spreading hideous rumors about Vicki to Gretchen. Lydia tries to talk Vicki down from the edge – or at least convince her to stop bawling her eyes out in the front window! Is she just a genuinely nice person or a desperate famewhore? Can't tell with Punky Brewster!
Lauri assures us she only told Vicki because she would want to know. Uh huh. Heather chastises Lauri on the inappropriateness of that choice and how it was really unimportant information to share. Especially on… TAMRA'S DAY!
Not to be insensitive, but Vicki's straw weave was distracting me when I was supposed to be feeling sorry for her over the Brooks dilemma. Where did she get those extensions – Dollar General?
Tamra simply cannot keep up with Vicki and Brooks "rotating relationship" and accurately compares it to Jr. High students. One minute they're holding hands at lunch and passing notes; the next minute their Facebook statuses are changed to "It's Complicated". Hopefully no sexting is involved!
After sticking around for Vicki's "Brookservention", Gretchen ducks out early since she cannot wait to get home and tell Slave about Brooks' "Flandering." Gretchen is gleeful that Vicki, who was apparently "flandering" on Donn is now getting a taste of her own medicine! Gretchen tells Tamra she has a "speaking engagement." I hope that meant she was going to a public speaking coach to help her manage her mangling of the English language.
No one much misses Gretchen cause this just gives them more opportunity to talk ish! They all go to dinner at some Mexican restaurant that serves grilled placenta (but at leas they have chips and salsa!). Vicki has to take a phone call. You know she called her gyno needing an emergency STD screening since Brooks may or may not have been getting busy with an amateur porn star! Stay classy Mississippi!
Anyway, grilled placenta and Brooks' young hussy aren't the only revelations on the menu, apparently Gretchen has been doing some fibbing of her own. You don't say! Tamra dishes that Gretchen told her that because Alexis was invited bridal shopping she was planning to skip the whole affair to take an acting gig she got offered on of all now canceled sitcoms - Malibu Country. But after thinking about how important TAMRA'S DAY was, Gretchen decided to forgo the acting role and come dress shopping.
Heather reveals that since she is currently working on that show (coincidence!), she asked the producer if Gretchen had a part and was told No. "Uhhhh-Ohhhhh! Somebody's Lyyyyyyying!" (Adrienne Maloof voice).
"LiarFace!" bellows Vicki. Heather chalks it up to Gretchen possibly being "colossally confused" about the dates the show filmed. And Tamra is gleeful that she now has a chance to ditch Gretchen and replace her with Alexis just to keep everyone on their toes. Methinks Gretchen is the next girl getting sat down for an intervention on fakeness! Get the Gretchen Christine Warpaint ready.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – SHOULD LAURI HAVE TOLD VICKI ABOUT BROOKS? IS GRETCHEN LYING ABOUT MALIBU COUNTRY?