Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was pretty boring. And by boring I mean tragic. And deafening. Gretchen Rossi tried to sing but she forgot to bring the big, pink plastic handbag holding her autotune with her. Oh the results were more tragic than a Made in Sweatshop plasticine Gretchen Christine handbag. Also plastic her face and now her lips. We'll discuss in a minute…
Moving on to other adventures in RHOC things, are still a mess between Vicki Gunvalson and Brooks. And by a mess I mean Vicki's life and hair are sadly reflecting her inner life. Get a brush and comb things out. Seriously – get a smoothing serum too. And call Dr. V.
So let's begin… Gretchen has returned from Whistler and her friendship with Tamra Barney is as frozen and icy as her face. Did I mention her hair doesn't move either but it permanently looks wind swept? How? Mystery of science if I've ever seen one. Let's call Myth Busters!
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Anyway, Gretchen is shocked that Tamra appears to be turning on her. But… but… bu…. there were friendship bracelets! Slave is not shocked. I mean Tammie Sue is an evil, cold bitch with a heart of stone so like no shocking information there! Poor Gretchy – iced out.
Gretchen is also distraught that like no one on this earth believes she was offered a role on Malibu Country. Heather Dubrow sent her like the meanest text ever reminding her that HEATHER is the actress. And HEATHER was the one offered the premiere big deal role, while Gretchen was like a cast-off. So Malibu Country is dead. And when everyone says you're dead it's time to lie down, right? I think this storyline and Gretchen should go lay down over there. Kick off your Gretchen Christine pumps and be done with it.
The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of… Gretchen Singing?! Ugly Coats? Money!
Moving on, Heather has other pressing issues. Like the fact that she somehow managed to find a coat that looks like a bloated deranged tutu and adds 45 pounds to her hips. It was like a fatsuit – and it reminded me of something a wicked witch would wear. Maybe Heather is audtitioning for a role in Once Upon A Time. Oh, whoops – people actually watch that, so no!
So besides the coat travesty, there is good news. Heather and Terry had a random stranger walk up to their house and offer them $16M for it. They took it because Terry promised he'd work less if they sell the house and focus on building an even BIGGER new house with 35 foot ceilings. Sure, Dr. Onion Rings – you'll work less. Heather tries to convince us she doesn't care about material possessions so an even larger house is no biggie. Then they hug. I'd fall in love all over again too if I just landed $16 million dollars.
Not in love is Eddie. He and Tamra go to dinner together and she's wearing a wig from RHOC season 6. She just wants Eddie to agree on a wedding date and get planning with her. See Eddie doesn't want to do any work preparing for this wedding. Planning? She's already bought like 9 dresses, reserved a venue, been stripper-straddled and started negotiating for a spinoff? After much back and forth Eddie finally agrees to set a date. I bet that was right about the time the ink was dry on the spinoff contract…
Over at Vicki's house she continues to have Brooks' drama. She's headed to Napa to taste vodka for Vicki's Vodka. Her face is all blotchy and puffy. She blames it on an allergic reaction to false eyelashes. I think she's been crying in her pillow over Brooks!
Briana is grossed out that Brooks will be in Napa because they are "business partners". Vicki claims there would be no Vicki's Vodka without Brooks because he put together the deal. And there almost was no more Vicki's Vodka after Brooks caused her to get sued. Briana is worried that Brooks is just using Vicki as a money-making scheme. And Vicki dismisses that as foolish cause they are just frieeeends now after what Lauri Peterson told her. I wonder if Brooks got Vicki a friendship bracelet after getting her naked wasted and trying to coerce her into cheating? Cause that's what friends do in the OC.
Speaking of friends… Alexis Bellino and Gretchen are meeting to see if they can work through their issues and be friends again. I should say that Alexis wants to be friends again, but Gretchen never liked her to begin with and was just using her cause no one would film with her.
They meet for drinks and Gretchen, wearing a trench coat and some heels, doesn't bother to even unbutton her coat or order a drink. 'Let's get this over with,' she says plopping down and rolling her eyes. Then she pulled out a nail file and some polish to start advertising Gretchen Christine products. Alexis takes a deep breath, chugs her Mai Tai while clutching her glitter bible with the page turned to Barbesis 911 and says: 'I like loved you for real and thought we were like friends off TV. I defended you against Tamra when she was evil. Like super, duper evil! And then you dumped me and told everyone I was poor and fake and that made me sad. I just wanna try to be friends again cause I miss you. And I wanted to call since Slade's son was sick, but you blocked my number so I tweeted instead.'
In response, Gretchen whose tear ducts are frozen by botox and whose lips have gotten the Lauri treatment and only allow her to mumble, starts complaining that Alexis wasn't there for her. And that if she really cared about her she would have come over to her house with a giant present and flowers and low-fat Weight Watchers casseroles cause Grayson was so sick. But since she didn't this friendship is terminated and there's no chance of putting it back together again.
I think Gretchen wanted to fake cry to make us think she cared about Alexis, but her hot glue gun wasn't working and she couldn't pump out the plastic tears. Alexis looked crushed. And deflated. Even her boobies looked a little smaller. But worry not, Lex, cause you are a nice girl and you are working a killer wardrobe this season. Looking good is the best revenge in the fakest place on earth!
Alexis, you should have brought the bitch a friendship bracelet. #Frienemies101
I interrupt this recap to bring you an installment from Are You There God? It's Me, Lydia…
Like, today I had Life Support Group because I felt so icky and dirty after that icky and dirty snow trip. Snow is supposed to be clean but not when you talk about icky and dirty sexy stuff. Like did you know a man, a woman, and another woman could do it together at the same time. I don't think I like that… Good thing Alexis gave me a glitter bible to ward off evil ickiness.
I'm gonna feel all happy and good again after this group. I hope no one minds that I bought a cake. I wanted to get Zebra Cakes but Doug told me no so I had to get a fancy-ish looking one. Boo! I wasn't sure if I should get more snacks or not . Maybe I'll put some Lucky Charms in a bowl without milk! That's like so geniused! And dangerous. I rock.
I also wanted to wear my sparkly Pretty, Pretty Princess headband to Life Support Group but then someone else wore their's and I had to hide mine under the sofa cushions. I wore my hot pink jeans though! Doug thinks they're pretty.
At Life Support Group someone told me all about saving orphans in Africa. I was too busy going to Disney Land and flirting with Doug to do that, but you know what I have specialness about me too! I am fun and silly and have a great laugh and Jesus told me that people like me and that is my gift. And after talking to him for a good long time I realized he put me on this earth to go on reality TV and help people be nicer to each other! I'm bringing sunny back! Woo! I think I'm special, I got Jesus behind my back! So turn around and cut my sparkly slack!
Ugh – so, I don't like tea bags anymore. Tea bags are like a bad word now. I was on the internet (EW!) and I learned that tea bagging is like an icky sexy thing where boys put there boy bags on your face. BLECH! I bet Gretchen lets boys do that to her. I bet she lets them put them right on her plastic Malibu Barbie Hair.
I can never drink tea again. I'm gonna go talk to someone about how phobic I am. I had to cry at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf yesterday. I had like this vision…. of a tea bag…. it was on my EYEBROW! It touched me!! I ran. I think it's a problem. I don't know why the world can't be like all normal and nice and sexless.
Ok, well I gotta go. Doug and I are gonna go roller skating! And get NACHOS. I hope there's no bad sexy stuff that's called nachos…
Does anyone wonder how Lydia ended up with two kids? Does anyone think Lydia needs to be hypnotized and brought into adulthood? I still like her though.
Finally Vicki is headed to Napa with Brooks. She has a meltdown about defining their relationship within the first six seconds. Everyone else groans and wonders when the vodka is getting there.
At the distillery Vicki woo hoos until everyone wants to drown themselves. Let there be imbibement! There's orange flavored vodka and bacon flavored vodka. Vicki decides they should make a Miss Piggy play on words with the bacon one since Slave made fun of her nose. Robert, her business partner, suggests they do a Bloody Piggy bloody mary cocktail. Vicki loves it. Too bad she went ahead and got that nose job.
Vicki laughs that when they make millions off the Bloody Piggy, Slade isn't going to see a cent. He'll probably sue you. Speaking of sued… Vicki is thanking Brokes all over for helping her through this here business together. The one she got sued over! I see that Robert dropped his case against her just in time to appear on RHOC.
So Alexis thinks she's an actress now. Heather is going to spontaneously combust! She got offered an audition on a new drama series and she shows up looking fabulous to read for it. Oh Alexis… I can't say much about your acting skills (painful) or your drawing skills (atrocious and ill-timed), but your dress sure was fantastic! I don't think she got the job. I hope they don't call Heather too…
Gretchen is gonna sing Slave a song and propose to him all at the same time. And all cause she is working haaaard for her money to land that spinoff! Girl… give it up. Gretchen tells us Slade loves when she sings. If Slave loves when Gretchen sings than it is official they are perfect for each other and soul mates!
Girl cannot carry a tune in a bucket. And she was wearing a disco fever jumpsuit to add insult to injury. The producers want to get this over with as soon as possible so they make Gretchen hop into the recording booth right then and there and start singing.
I'll use the word "singing" loosely cause it was so terrible I don't think autotune could save it. Gretchen says she prayed and prayed for a soul mate and ended up with Slade. And I think that sings volumes…
Finally, Vicki and Brokes are grabbing dinner to yet again define their relationship. This is more redundant than TamWretchen's weekly conversations about where they stand. Brokes is basically like until Briana is out of the picture so am I. And as for that cocktail waitress I may or may not be boning, so long as you are writing me checks she's as invisible as my bank account. So Vicki, what is? Vicki decides they're dating again. Let's celebrate… NOT.
These ultimatums are creeping me out. This is getting Dateline Mysteries on us. Maybe Briana's hubby isn't so crazy with the security system after all…
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – GRETCHEN'S SONG: CHARMING GESTURE OR ATROCIOUS FAMEWHORING? WILL GRETCHEN AND ALEXIS EVER BE FRIENDS AGAIN?