Last night's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was about reinventing the old and making it new again. Make new frienemies, but keep the old… one is faux marble and the other is faux leopard!
Teresa Giudice and Jacqueline Laurita made up and by that I mean they vowed not to appear at anymore reunions wearing dresses where the sequins turned into poison darts and and scream cheating accusations at each other's husbands. So by making amends they decided to keep each other's secrets…
Oh and Jacqueline shed her old
stripper skin in favor of some new skin that didn't have washed up tacky tattoos on it. When did getting plastic surgery become a requisite Housewives storyline?
Things begin with Teresa and Jacqueline continuing with their "tawk". Jacqueline is clearly flustered because she forgot her translucent powder and her blotting papers. Girl was shiny as a gold lame and her hair was all mussed. Maybe she and Teresa had some sort of knock-down, drag-out, rolling on the table brawl and the footage was accidentally damaged when some Fabellini got tossed on it and that's why we didn't see it? That would explain Jacq's shininess…
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Jacqueline tells Tre she's hurt that Teresa implied she was spending more time on twitter than she was with Nicholas. Jacqueline says Nicholas has 9 hours a day of therapy/school so she has plenty of time to tweet. Teresa makes some excuses. They go back and forth some more. Both of them tear up. Teresa apologizes. Wait… wha…?! Yes, Teresa apologized. Jacqueline kept her stoneface on which was a nice touch and then they both agree to be civil. It was kind of, dare I say it, adult!
Afterwards they go meet up with their husbands who are having an indepth discussion about autism. Joe Giudice like knows some guys that had it once and yeah, as the fauxmilaniag said Joe "talking about autism is like watching big bird talk about rocket science." I couldn't have said it better myself!
Ugh – what happened next? Oh yeah, no one died. So there's that and wine was had by all. I imagine this how the Vikings settled things – they just grunted and charged at each other, if no one died or was mortally wounded, everyone won. So, yeah wine!
Since we're not forced to wade through enough sludge with this show we have to talk about BLK. Cue Chris Laurita acting all business-y and stuff by lecturing the Manzo boys about work priorities. See they have this BLK water, but no one is buying it so they're not making money. So Albie and Crissofart are opening a restaurant. Chris wants their priorities to always be BLK first so he doesn't have to do any work. I mean, he has to watch Jacqueline and make sure she doesn't get really out of hand with the face altering and tweeting and wine-ing and all the other Jacq-isms that she does. She does have a whole 9 hours everyday to get in trouble, you know…
Chris tells them BLK is their wife which ugh, means you have to spend time with it sometimes. And Little Big Town is their mistress that sadly you have to sneak call in a vineyard. So moral of the lecture: take your mic off when you redevous with Little Big Town and pretend this BLK thing is legit and don't slip up and reveal that it's all a farce, like every other marriage on this show!
I'm not sure Albie and Chris got it though since I'm pretty sure neither one of them has ever had sex. Caroline Manzo totally keeps them chastity belted up.
Over at Teresa's, Gia is putting on makeup – like allll the makeup in the world – to go ride go-carts with Poison. Since Melissa Gorga appeared and took all Joe's attention away, Gia hasn't spent much time with him.
I'm glad Gia's learned the important things from Teresa, like how to put on mascara and eye shadow! Seriously, isn't she 12? Is that normal? A Jersey thing?
Whatever the case, Poison arrives, no one charges him, everyone's all insincere smiles. And off they go. Weeee! Then Gia confronts him about the family feud and how he's like the very most MIA godfather ever!
Gia is one heck of a smart, articulate little girl. I have serious doubts she came from Teresa and Juicy…. She's definitely the smartest and most mature person on RHONJ. Dr. V should adopt her. Consulting her Lisa Frank Notebook, Gia goes over, on an incident-by-incident basis, what went wrong with the family; including reminding Poison that name calling is wrong ("Garbage"), he and Teresa weren't raised to behave that way, and that Nonni, Poppi, and the kids are the true victims in all the immature BS.
Gia did not let Poison get away with any excuses. She held both him and Teresa accountable for the family problems. It was by far the most unbiased and levelheaded discussion of the feud we've ever had. And that confirms it Gia will now host the RHONJ reunions and I am 100% convinced she's the one writing Teresa's blogs. Gia Giudice, I salute you, take that smart little brain of yours and run – run faaaar away!
Afterwards Poison sulked by the vending machines and thought about how he needed to spray his hair back on since it was sweating into his brow. Gia is a tough cookie! Cross examination by Bravo.
Up next is zumba-ing for a good cause. Teresa has invited everyone – including the Wallpapers and the Lauritas – in the spirit of proving she's not a total evil bitch. Demonstrating that the family arguing is no Bravo stunt, Milania has no recollection of who Richie and Kathy Wallpaper are. Does anyone notice Kathy ever? I'm sure Milania blocked Richie out – I wish I could.
Jacqueline and Kathy went shopping for workout clothing earlier in the day, except somehow they ended up in the lingerie department where Jacqueline rambled on and on and on and on about needing a tummy tuck and feeling fat. Kathy consulted her watch and then binge ate some cannoli in the dressing room.
As everyone arrives at Teresa's no one is killing each other, in fact they're hugging, smiling, and acting like a normal family! Kathy bought cookies. I hope Teresa didn't throw them away – they look homemade and not from the fancy Italian bakery. Bad Kathy! They all get out the alcohol and then board the party bus! PARTY BUS! Do these people go anywhere without an entire bar on wheels?
On the party bus Teresa has a sudden flashback of that time like yesterday when Jacqueline called her a sociopath. Whatever it is Teresa is so not one of them. Jacqueline suggests Teresa google it. The definition tells her it's an anti-social personality. Teresa's hair stands up on her itty-bitty forehead and she doesn't like the sound of that. 'I'm not anti-social bitch! I'm like tawkin to youse right now! That means I can't be a social-o path, right?!'
Jacqueline tells Teresa she is to social-o path what she is to evil and they both agree to swallow their words and wash it down with some wine. Everyone agrees to let the name calling go. Then they play charades. 'One word,' says Milania. First clue: Milania climbs the pole. 2nd Clue: she points to Melissa. Yep, even Milania is part of Melissa Gorga stripper-gate. But since everyone has to pretend to like each other for this installment, Melissa just smiles and laughs.
Everyone zumbas, Jacqueline whines and complains about not being able to dance as if anyone is looking at her and her over-grown jr. high insecurities. She hides in the back and guzzles from a flask. Is anyone else thinking this is how Jacqueline was in high school? Joew and Joew dance together, while laughing. Again, Poison's hair doesn't liquify. The Joews are having fun.
Teresa and Jacqueline have a heart-to-heart after class and talk about how sometimes – like this time – Teresa is a good person who does like nice things. Like once in a while! They hug and miss their friendship. I wish these two would be besties with each other again and breakup with twitter.
And finally, Jacqueline heads to California for some quality time with herself. Apparently when you're a busy mom with a reality TV show and a twitter-addiction you need time to get away and take care of yourself. And that means getting a tummy tuck and necklift. So, if Jacqueline has all the time in the world to tweet, can't she go to the gym? Doesn't she have a personal trainer – oh yeah that time is devoted to therapy.
In Cali, Jacqueline meets up with Ashlee who is no stranger to "work" herself. Oh, I mean she's a stranger to work, cause like her "job" is part-time blogging and living off RHONJ earnings, but she's no stranger to getting work done on her face. Like mother, like daughter!
Ashlee, née Ashley, and Jacqueline play this annoying game where they try to prove to everyone that Ashlee is mature now; she's like grown up living in her own apartment that she probably doesn't pay for and writing tweets about how much people on RHONJ suck. "Girl, you'll be woman soon…'
Back at home, Chris is working with the kids and reminding us that Jacqueline really needs some "me time". I might suggest going out to lunch with friends, but clearly my lack of desperation for attention is why I'm not on a reality TV show, because in this universe "me time" means getting botox or hey, your neck surgically unrolled!
Jacqueline consults with her doctor who warns her this is major surgery and she shouldn't drink the night before. So that means they all head out to dinner with the Jacqueline Laurita Plastic Surgery Support Team (it was her parents) and Jacqueline orders a shot of tequila and giggles as she drinks it. Ashlee demurs – grownups don't like drink stuff except Diet Coke. The Freaky Friday act was poorly performed.
The next day Jacqueline goes under the knife and we are treated to a Silence of the Lambs-esque grossness as her doctor chatted amiably while removing Jacqueline's 1992 skin. The skin, replete with what looked like an Aerosmith tattoo from her "Vegas days", was cast aside so the new Jacqueline could wear bikinis again! #priorities There they were, two giant skin chunks with fat attached sitting beside the operating table, one with a tattoo on it. I puked. It was disgusting. Maybe the grossest thing I've ever seen on this show.
After surgery, Ashlee who has there for support with a big donut of hair on her head (new hat?!), visits Jacq in recovery. And of course, Jacqueline is wearing full make-up complete with false eyelashes. She passes out on the phone while talking to Chris. I'm thinking that's how a lot of nights end for ol' Jackie. Oh these ladies.
The only other thing that happened last night was that Greggy Bennett left us. Yep, he quit this show and picked up to move. Albie was forlorn, but not so forlorn as Caroline who lost another son. She sobbed as Lauren envisioned stabbing Greg with the steak knife she couldn't use since red meat isn't on her diet.
Gregg made some inappropriate cancer jokes. I tuned out his going away party just like I've tuned out his entire presence on this show. He's just one too many Manzo spawns for me!
Until next time, when Melissa gets confronted about cheating on Poison. Oooohhh… fun!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV]
TELL US – WILL JACQUELINE AND TERESA BE REAL FRIENDS AGAIN? DID JACQUELINE NEED PLASTIC SURGERY?