Alright let's dive into this whole Real Housewives of Orange County reunion thing! We've got Memory Lapse Monday happening here because Tamra Barney is confusing this season's storyline with one from two years ago. Did her shock therapy malfunction? Yeppers, Gretchen Rossi is back in the hotseat for cheating on her deceased fiancé Jeff with another man. Nevermind that NO ONE CARES CAUSE WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS FOR FOUR YEARS, we're rehashing it aaaagain.
So with that out of the way let's talk outfits. Gretchen is clearly bringing her little portable Barbie closet she had from childhood to the designer for Alexis Couture and asking for direct reproductions. All of her little girl dreams of sparkles, flounces, and seafoam fantasies are being brought to life. Seriously Gretchen is reliving my youth with that aquamarine number. I especially loved how she matched the side-weave to the one-sleeve.
Heather Dubrow's hair needs a deep conditioner and a good cut. Even though I'm sure Princess Champs On Ice probably pays $300 for a haircut, it looks like Gretchen played Barbies with Heather's head. Since Heather is the brown-hair Barbie friend Gretchen practiced "beauty school" with her locks. Result: fail.
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Lydia McLaughlin is Lydia. She lives in a world of My Little Pony eyes that twinkle and gleam. But she's no pansy. She's a genius! A genius, people. Her gift from God is silliness. And she will cut you. She will make that squeaky voice into a dagger and she will stab you in your flat, flaccid, dull hair and remind you that even ponies have bad days so watch it bi-i-i…tttchhh I mean watch it, poopy head!
So things begin with Tamra literally nuzzling Vicki Gunvalson with her brown nose. 'I looooove you' she says wiping her bronzer all over Vicki's dress. These two have like Stockholm Syndrome or something. They're so traumatized and intimidated by Bravo holding them hostage with their dirty secrets that they cling to each other with faux security. Better be frienemies in delusion that left in the sinking boat like Gretchen clinging onto your principals!
Among the revelations we learn that Vicki and Donn are still married. Tamra is holding onto a vain hope that they'll get remarried, but Donn would rather have monkeys fly out of his ass. Welp, Vickster just blew her chance at that spinoff. Tamra tried… she'd do anything to avoid letting Gretchen land the next wedding one-off, wouldn't she?! Vicki may have to pay Donn alimony. Andy levitated with glee. He created a monster making these crazed, desperate phonies rich.
We spend about 45 minutes debating why Gretchen and Tamra are no longer friends and it's because Gretchen LIED, people! She's a liar face and she was sitting on random mens' laps and not wearing her engagement ring and she was kissing them and Tamra and Vicki have proof in the form of photographs we never got to see. Why?! What was in the infamous reunion manila folder. Is this a mandatory prop now? Apparently Gretchen just sucks face with all her guy friends – and she has a lot of guy friends.
That's what Anthony Weiner's sexting ladies probably say too. And she's just like uuber friendly with them. And sometimes she kisses them. In front of people. While she's engaged. To other men. Who may or may not be on their deathbed. Or not!
And sometimes Alexis Bellino gets ganged up on and they like force her to say stuff cause she's a prisoner of mean girl warfare and she cracks allll too easily under the pressure. Like that one time when Jim proposed she wanted to say no but everyone was looking at her and forcing her to say something and demanding that she give an answer so she accidentally said yes.
Well this time everyone was staring her down and saying 'TELL US YOUR OPINION, PLASTILEXIS!' and since no one had like ever asked her for her opinion like ever – especially not on this show – she got all excited and blurted out that yeah, this one time on a boat Gretchen was like all over some guy and acting couple-y with him, but she never saw them kiss. Or maybe she did…
Gretchen grills Alexis about why she is saying this now when previously she denied it. Alexis doesn't admit it, but you know she wants to say 'Because two years ago we were friends, but then you turned on me for the mean girls and I'm paying you back big time by turning on you for the mean girls. And even worse, Imma start charging you for all the Alexis Couture you commissioned. Tal Sheyn doesn't work for free, Hot Mess Barbie! Those sleeves take hours!'
So that happened. And we discussed Jeff and Gretchen and Gretchen's cheating which she did and I agree with Tamra and Vicki – just admit it already. Everyone in America is sick of you playing this innocent act. If Vicki can admit to infidelities, than you can too Gretchy Poo. It's not like anyone thinks you're a saint anymore, you've been stringing Slaveroonie around for 2 seasons professing your undying love and 'It's Complicated' statuses onto us like he's some Prince Charming and this is an ill-fated fairy tale love story despite the fact that he is a douchey-loser deadbeat loser. Also, Tamra is going to throw Gretchen a really bad bachelorette party with even worse strippers. Geriatric Review at the Chippendales Retirement Home? Make it rain Tums!
Switching things up Lydia and Heather get into a big tift about rude comments, stripper judging, arrogance and why for the love of God Heather isn't famous enough to be on the cover of Lydia's magazine which no one has heard of like ever. Heather will have you know that she's a very famous actress who has been on like 2 sitcoms in the last decade. The best part of the argument was how miffed Heather got when Lydia told her Lisa Vanderpump was a bigger celebrity and therefore deserved a cover. I mean Lisa was on DWTS and her IMDB page has like 8 credits instead of 6. It's the little things…
After that Heather zeroed in on Lydia with those Evil Queen eyes and you could just see her preparing the poisoned apple and tricking Baby Pot Brownie over for some wholesome snacks and sweet apologies only to rob her of her youth and innocent facade. She did it with Alexis and it worked. I mean like no one liked her for months!
There is some debate about Lydia's friendship with Alexis and if Lydia is fake cause she wasn't defending Alexis to the heavens after two playdates. Lydia was trying her darndest not to reveal that she and Alexis had never met until this show when she was cast to be her Jesus Skipper sidekick, blingin' the Lord and Life Grouping in Louboutins. Everyone was trying to get Jesus Skipper to trip up, but remember Lydia is a GENIUS. And she just wants people to think she's stupid cause it's fun. WEEEEE!
Also Heather hurt Jesus Skipper's feelings in a blog once and Lydia wants her to apologize for everything from the crucifiction onward until Heather's eyebrow arches so much it splits in two. Man that cheshire cat face on Heather is really somethin' when she gets angry; I can see why Terry lives in fear and just does what he's told. #GatedCommunityNightmares
Then Lauri Peterson returns. AGAIN. 85 years ago Vicki got an email from George's ex mother-in-law, which NO ONE SAW until Lauri told us about it. Apparently it ruined George's reputation since he's a pillar of the community. According to Lydia everyone on this show is a pillar of the community. What community? The community of the drunk and abhorrently behaved? Do pillars of the community's daughter's hang out with porn stars? Or Brokes Ayers?
Yeah so what Lauri really meant when she obfuscated and waffled and waned and denied about the reason she returned is exactly what Vicki said when calling her out: the ladies got el famous-o and Lauri wanted a piece of the pie. Mucking around with horses and pretending to live the fairy tale life only works when people believe you. And apparently Lauri's neighbors know the truth about what goes on at Pillar of the Community Headquarters - George and Lauri are as good as separated. Kinda like her top lip is entirely disconnected from her bottom lip and they don't even look like they belong on the same face, but fear not cause next season getting it fixed can be Lauri's storyline. Andy wants her back you know. I don't. And neither does Vicki which means she'll 100% be returning. We're getting so desperate we're renaissance-ing Housewives now, are we?
So Vicki continues to deny she had a three-way, Lauri continues to claim it happened in a really circuitous way. Everyone yawns and rolls their eyes. Vicki shockingly is pretty decent about the whole thing and admits she handled the initial email wrong but was truly surprised that seven years later Lauri suddenly had her life destroyed by the contents.
Is that before or after George discovered her affair? Lauri is also suddenly denying that Vicki ever gave her a job when she was down and out. Andy definitely didn't believe that.
Oh and Vicki hates Gretchen but wants her to succeed and wants her to be happy and she doesn't really hate her, and she doesn't really remember that one time when she called her a c-u-next-Tuesday and Tamra totally and maliciously told Gretchen that Vicki said that. I mean oops. But Vicki got Tamra back cause she peed on her bed and Tamra slept in it.
So that was installment one. I think next week Alexis actually talks and Gretchen gets her Country Cotillion Barbie dress put through the shredder some more until it looks like something from the Escape From Witch Mountain Barbie collection. She better be careful: plastic melts when it gets hot! Stay out of the RHOC reunion if you can't take the heat.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – DOES ANYONE CARE IF GRETCHEN CHEATED ON JEFF? DID LAURI JUST WANT CAMERA TIME? LYDIA VS. HEATHER: WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?