Teen Mom is back, y'all, and it's just as depressing as ever.
Oh, and if you turned your TV at just the right angle and closed one eye, you saw the Teen Moms caring for their precious babies almost as passionately as they begged their boyfriends to love them. This week: rinse and repeat.
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This episode kicks off with Mackenzie and Josh. Josh reveals that he stood firm in his decision to not move in with Mackenzie, but in an effort to help with Gannon more, he agreed to sleep over one night a week.
This new arrangement prompts Mackenzie to consider birth control, seemingly for the first time since Gannon's birth. (Please excuse me while I bang my head against the nearest wall.) The painfully immature cheerleader struggles with the decision because her mother doesn't approve of premarital sex. These people (dim Mack included) do know how Gannon was made, right?
Next Katie and Joey discuss whether or not they can afford to move into a larger place. Joey excitedly explains that his work offers a discount for a new apartment complex with amenities. A swimming pool would be fab, but Katie's main goal is for Molli to have her own bedroom so she doesn't have to sleep in the kitchen. Next to the hot coffee pot. Um, good plan!
Alex continues to loudly complain about Matt's lack of employment, audacity to breath her air, and disinterest in parenting Arabella. Ugh. I do not understand why Alex and her mother invited Matt to live in their house fresh out of rehab, but they did. Now, Alex needs to realize that her perma bitch face and constant berating is not going to force/encourage Matt to change. He either steps up – or he doesn't. End of story. Move on with your life.
Anyway, Alex whines to a friend about Matt, "It's soooo hard. He drives me nuts. It's ridiculous." Said friend struggles to use her words in front of MTV's cameras. Her mouth moves, and all I hear is, "Like, OMG, HEHEHE. I'm on MTV. HEHEHE. OMG. HEHEHE." (Ah, deep sigh, not all the Teen Mom friends can be as awesome as Chelsea's Landon and Megan.)
Alex swears she doesn't regret choosing to raise Arabella, because she'd be miserable otherwise. Filing away for future reference – this is happy Alex.
Briana meets up with Devoin to discuss the (now dead) order of protection. She basically tells him, if you disrespect me again and/or fail to do what's right for Nova, I will keep you away. Devoin promises to never hurt Briana again and to help 24/7 with Nova, and Briana says, "Actions speak louder than words."
Later Mom encourages Briana to invite Devoin to spend one hour alone with Nova, saying, "He'll finally figure out how hard it is to be a mom." He accepts the challenge. Meanwhile, Katie and Joey check out the new apartment. It's fresh, spacious, and $930/month. Katie wants it – Joey agrees.
All is right in Mackenzie's world because she can belly flop onto a bed again. #OhGoodie Her rediscovered flopping freedom encourages her to discuss going on birth control – albeit while giggling and hiding her face behind a pillow – with a friend. Mackenzie admits (giggles) that she's afraid (giggles) to tell her mom (giggles) so she plans to text (giggles) the news. Call me crazy, but if you're too immature to talk about birth control without giggling, you have no business being sexually active.
Mom texts, "Wish you and Josh would choose abstinence," and Mack whines to her friend, "We want to, but we're teenagers! Ugh! Life is so hard! Wah!"
Next Alex comes home from work and finds Matt doing nothing, as per usual, and a scream fest ensues. Matt tells Alex that she acts like she's "echelons" above him, to which she says, "Parenting-wise, you're nothing compared to me." Um, echelons? Did the heroin addict just use echelon in a sentence?
Matt argues that Alex knew he was a work in progress, therefore, she has no right to complain. Alex screams. Matt leaves. Mom tells Alex to quit bitching, adding, "Go locate him, don't yell, expect him to be angry, apologize."
Katie and Joey sign a lease for the new apartment just in time for one of Joey's friends to demand $400 for a three-year-old debt. Katie is not happy with her husband-to-be and a fight ensues. Joey drops a few dozen f-bombs and asks Katie to drive him to his mommy's house. Molli's first word is totally going to be f*ck. The argument continues in the car. Molli's second word is totally going to be sh*t.
At the GYN office, Mackenzie opts for the Mirena IUD, and she texts the bad news to her mom. Meanwhile a pal tells Josh that he should stay far away from Mackenzie's house until the birth control stuff blows over.
Alex searches for Matt for over an hour but comes up empty. Surprise, Matt's at home, and I have no doubt that his "I'm out to find peace, yo!" was just a scheme to get Alex to go away for a while. #EchelonInOurFace #SmartCookie These two are toxic together, and sometimes being together isn't what's best for the child. But, Mom suggests therapy, and they agree.
Meanwhile Katie talks to her mom about her Joey woes. Basically, he's a pain in the ass, sleep deprived, and forever in a bad mood. Katie insists things will be better once they move.
Devoin shows up for his alone time with Nova, as promised, but Briana's too nervous to actually leave her street. The more Nova cries, the more Devoin sweats. The more nervous Devoin gets, the more Nova cries. It's a vicious cycle. Credit where credit is due - Devoin never lost his patience, and I even spied him gently trying to wipe away Nova's tears.
Mackenzie and Mom finally talk face-to-face about birth control. Mom reminds Mackenzie that she should not be having sex – IUD or NO IUD – before marriage, adding, "You're still only 17. I have bigger hopes for you."
Poor Nova screams until she vomits. The profuse sweating aside, Devoin handles it well. But, he calls Briana to ask where to find clean baby clothes, and she rushes back home well before the end of the hour. Nova settles right down in her mama's arms.
Matt and Alex attend their first (and probably last) therapy session. Alex doesn't trust Matt and fears he'll be back on drugs in no time. Matt says Alex yells too much and wrongly accuses him of being high. (Where's Babs when you need her? Yah can't be a good fathaaa when yer gettin' high all the time! High! High! Yer always high!)
On the drive home, Alex hopes for the best where Matt's concerned, and I nearly have a stroke when I realize Arabella's car seat is forward-facing and the chest clip is nowhere to be seen.
Joey comes back home to get ready for work, warning Katie, "As soon as this turns into a fight, I'm out the door." Is he new here? Of course this will end in a fight. Katie starts in, with her expertly crafted passive aggressive digs, and Joey can't resist fighting back. Honestly, sleep deprivation will bring out the worst in any human, and I have a feeling some of their problems would be solved if Joey got regular sleep.
The newly engaged couple fights about money and feelings. At one point, Katie says, "Why can't you love me like I love you?" and Joey responds, "What? I go underground every day to support you two and I'm still a piece of shit?" Joey shoots down Katie's request to go to therapy, adding, "I just want to not fight before work every night."
Katie smirks. Yikes!
Joey throws something across the room, declares their relationship over for good, and storms out of the house. He cries (much to my surprise) in the car.
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Photo credit: MTV