Last night on Real Housewives of Miami bridges to the past were burned as everyone focused on getting over it, moving forward, and embracing the positive. Except for Lenny Hochstein – he embraced the liposuction and actualized his dream of
looking like Romain Zago of being a swimsuit model.
Things begin with Adriana de Moura and Joanna Krupa meeting for breakfast to discuss why they hate each other. Joanna stuck to non-alcoholic beverages and that ensured that no eggs were thrown in anyone's face (boring!) despite Adriana being an hour late. In the end Adriana apologizes for calling Joanna "Ho-anna" and insinuating she was an escort, although she tries to blame the whole thing on Lea Black! All is good… for now! Personally I don't know how Joanna resisted the urge to knock that goofy white hat off Adriana's head.
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Over at the Hochsteins, Lenny is recovering from lipo by sleeping in a pool of blood (according to Kim K it's good for anti-aging, right?!) and Fembot is trying to dote on him. Except Lenny doesn't want Lisa to touch him – at all – or even get within 10 feet of him on their king-sized bed. Poor Lisa just dithers around like the animatronic robot she is making pouty faces and apologizing for the straw not being straight enough in Lenny's OJ or something. She wanted him to get the procedure so he'd be bikini ready and he's thrilled to flaunt his manufactured abs. They don't call him Dr. Fakenstein for nothing.
Alexia Echevarria continues to have Peter Problems. I actually respect Alexia for being honest about her family situation and giving us some legit reality. Peter has fallen by the wayside after learning of this felonious father (so soap opera. I love you, Revenge!) and because Alexia needed to devote so much time to Frankie's recovery.
Peter's grandma (aka, the Mama Elsa stand-in) takes him out to dinner to tell him that just 'cause his dad is a loser, Peter doesn't have to be. After all he's handsome and smart underneath all the mumbling, tantruming, and hair flipping. Alexia then takes him to the baseball stadium where he played little league to admit she had made mistakes, but he was the best thing that came out of her first marriage. Alexia cried and reminds Peter that he gave her everything and how much she loves him. It was very sweet and touching.
Then Alexia heads over to Marysol Patton's to cleanse Mama Elsa's apartment because she'll be leaving the hospital finally. They burn sage and complain about Lea not reaching out to Elsa, which is really disappointing to Marysol. I thought this was supposed to be about inviting positive energy?
Later we meet Marysol's 80-something businessman father who is Mama Elsa's complete opposite. Much like the flower petal game, sometimes they love each other; sometimes not! Marysol says they were headed for a nasty divorce but then started grabbing each other's butts instead. Elsa returns home and she is cranky. I felt bad for her because she did not seem to want the cameras intruding as Marysol forced her to drink some crystal-infused water meant to electrify the brain.
But Marysol needs a storyline and the things a mother does for their child.
Adriana and Frederic are still going through with this whole pretend re-wedding thing so they visit a pre-marital counselor where we learn Adriana has been married twice before to men not Frederic. So this wedding will officially be her fourth! That's so Liz Taylor! Adriana blames her parent's divorce when she was 18 for the reason she "doesn't trust" men despite marrying 3 of them (one twice!) and she cries. Frederic says his life was
blissful drama-free until he met Ms. I Speak Five Languages and Not A Single One Tells the Truth!
Marysol is hosting Adriana's bachelorette party and instead of splashing out on Vegas or Mexico, the ladies of RHOM get Adriana's living room where Marysol tied some granny panties to the bottom of a helium balloon and called it "Lingering Lingerie." All of 4 people show up. The stand out of the entire evening was Alexia's sequined, cut-out jumpsuit. That thing was A-mazing!
Since everyone is sitting around, bored – really they were – and aimlessly taking shots as they pretended to be friends and pretended to want to be there, Adriana "suddenly" decided to yank her first wedding dress to Frederic out of the closet and burn it. She doesn't want any memories of the David's Bridal schmatta she wore the first time round, especially now when she's getting a designer gown out of the deal!
Everyone heads outside to set the dress on fire in the name of releasing negativity, then they dance around it like a scene from "The Witches" (or Lord of the Flies) shrieking. It was the war whoop of the surgically altered trophy wives and it was the most any of their faces have moved since 1999. I was concerned some plastic would melt if their synthetic faces got too close to the burning synthetic lace.
Uninvited to the dress burning, Joanna and Romain visited a sex therapist who encouraged them to make a 'Find the Hole' sex calendar and enact some role playing where they pretend to pick each other up at a bar. Joanna put on a brunette wig and dressed up like
Adriana a Russian hooker ballerina while Romain sported some Clark Kent glasses that Joanna tossed across the room while their almost sex tape was being filmed and produced by Bravo. I wonder if this is the next thing Housewives are going to franchise on the Bravo Home Shopping Network?
They go to a hotel room to get it on, except Joanna ties Romain's wrists together and starts spanking the heck out of him. Romain just wants to make love, cuddle, and spoon. Joanna wants to bleeeep and spork! Things get so out of hand Romain is injured in the process and cries animal abuse. Joanna admits she may have gone too far.
Also I'm pretty sure I almost saw Joanna's vag, so there's that.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WILL ADRIANA'S NEXT MARRIAGE BE "THE ONE" NOW THAT SHE'S BURNED THE DRESS? WERE YOU HAPPY TO SEE MAMA ELSA BACK?