The ladies of Real Housewives of Atlanta did what they do best last night – put on some high, high heels and trash each other's relationships. Kenya Moore is slaying marriages left and right because her job is apparently The Divorce Whisperer. She needs to focus on her own fantasy man because the so-called oil tycoon, well I think he's pumping gas at the Sheetz after she paid his coming to America salary.
Things begin with Cynthia Bailey and Peter celebrating their three-year anniversary. Has it really been three years since Cynthia was nearly kidnapped to prevent her from walking down the aisle wearing a duct tape and hefty bag wedding gown? Time flies when you're being crazy!
Cynthia's friend Natalie and her husband Christopher show up to talk about how Cynthia and Peter are not having sex. Natalie reveals that she knows Kandi Burruss' fiance Todd. And apparently Todd is quite the hustler who was known for trying to date up – or put himself in positions to reap the benefits of his associations. "Basically Todd's an opportunist?" Cynthia asks. I wonder if Natalie has been talking to Mama Joyce?
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Natalie's friend dated Todd ten years ago but he cheated and broke her heart. I really wanted Kenya to burst onto the scene, twirling through tables bellowing, "I ain't sayin' he a gold digger, but twirl, but twirl through you bank account!"
Then Peter whisks Cynthia through oncoming traffic to the abandoned warehouse they call The Bailey Agency. He has Christopher sing to Cynthia about how much Cynthia means to him – and it was a song about how he was broke until Cynthia came along (I KID YOU NOT!). Now he's not broke, but he does have permanent blueballs.
I hope Peter gets lucky tonight so he doesn't have to steal Cynthia's checkbook to put a down payment on a mancave across town. Maybe he could rent out Porsha Stewart's basement.
Kandi has other Todd issues besides his "hustle" – he quit the play to pursue a different job because Kandi is disorganized. Kandi says Todd always does this but she seems completely unconcerned. She's going forward with the play. Don Juan is concerned about Kandi wasting money and wants her to think carefully about the risk, but Kandi is gung ho because she wants to continue to build her empire.
Later Todd and Kandi go check out The Rialto as the place to put on the play and he expresses his concerns about the time frame, but he's decided his heart lies with Kandi and building something together as a couple. Kandi beams. And bursts into song – unassisted by autotune.
NeNe Leakes has forgiven Porsha and pays her a visit to her new home, Casa de Eviction. Porsha has no furniture but has managed to hang her naked self-portrait above the fireplace. NeNe throws shade at how Kenya "downsized" to a smaller home but is now driving a Bentley from her African boyfriend. I think Kenya has a lifesized cutout of Prince Akeem Joffer as a boyfriend.
Kenya has her Aunt Lori and her father's sister over for dinner. After passing out paper towels as napkins, she announces she needs a bigger house and <giggle, giggle> a Bentley minivan because she's gonna have a child. "Can you be a little more specific?” Aunt Lori probes eyeing the wine glass suspiciously. "Who's the baby daddy?"
Kenya explains that she's made an appointment with a fertility clinic to get a sperm donor. What about your boyfriend, Aunt Lori wants to know, preparing to file a 5150 psychiatric hold. Kenya is getting random sperm because her African prince oil tycoon lives too far away. The oil tycoon is working the frydaddy at the McDonald's and the most he's giving Kenya is an extra helping of fries. #GetAStorylineBesidesTheInvisibleMan.
Cynthia invites all the ladies plus extras vying for a coveted opportunity to embarrass yourselves on TV to a vineyard. Making an appearance is Marlo Hampton, whom I think I think is wearing knee pads #NoComment. Also, appearing is Malorie, who is silent, but eyes Kenya warily from across the kitchen. She knows that when Marlo and Kenya clash, crazy is going to burn the house down. Check their charges! NeNe's friend Alexis also appears and she couldn't care less about the drama, because she wants to get her drink on free of charge!
And rounding out the group is Natalie, who despite Cynthia telling us is being introduced to the group, is meeting everyone there. Team Shady Boots boards a party bus. And on another Party Bus Porsha, Kandi, and Phaedra Parks ride together and talk about Phaedra's twerking, chocolate milk spurting nipples.
On the bus to the vineyard Kenya calls Phaedra fat and then Cynthia reveals that Natalie, whom you all will meet after 6 or 7 glasses of wine, called Todd an opportunist. The bus shook from all the evil laughter and Kenya was licking tea from Cynthia's shoes. NeNe, who has abandoned moscato in favor of drinking vodka, to deal with the drama announces in her Kandi voice, "Don't talk about my man or my child or my mama!" To get NeNe drunk is to love her!
Interestingly, Kenya also knows Natalie because she worked on a play with her husband. Kenya is surprised to learn they are married given that she was told Natalie was his "common-law wife", or, "Groupie for life but not his wife," she shades. Phaedra informs us is what happens when a lady is willing to wait and wait for a proposal while shacking up.
When they get to the vineyard, Alexis who is clearly the breakout extra on this show, takes "tasting" liberally. When asked if she's drunk, she cheers-es the air and says “Y-Y-A-A-A-S-S-S, yaaaaas!” And cops to stealing a bottle of wine. My kinda girl!
Kandi is planning to elope because Mama Joyce would probably stop the wedding. Interestingly, Natalie and Christopher eloped many years ago in secret. While I'm admiring Kandi's head scarf, Kenya bursts out with, “That’s not the story I got!"
Kenya proceeds to tell Natalie that Christopher is referring to her as his "common-law wife" or sometimes even his girlfriend, not that Kenya wants to get involved in the semantics of their relationship or anything. She helps herself to a glass of wine and Alexis yells "YAAAAAAAS!" Otherwise the entire table went silent.
Kenya is breaking up marriages LEFT AND RIGHT – that is some bad karma! Kenya is so messy a hazmat crew could not handle the cleanup.Natalie is coming right back for Kenya and is chasing her around the vineyard with an empty wine bottle! Natalie snaps back that Kenya has never been married and has no business discussing anyone's marriage, a sentiment Phaedra agrees with.
Kenya then reveals that Natalie is gossiping to Cynthia about how Todd is an opportunist. Kandi is annoyed, but keeps her composure and maintains that the past doesn't matter. Furthermore she knows thinks about Peter's past that doesn't matter since he chose Cynthia. Cynthia is insulted by Kandi's dig, errrr… you mean the truth hurts!
Natalie tries to backpedal by talking about how Todd has a swerve and is a hustler because he tends to want to improve his life through the people he dates.
It all got stupider and stupider and stupider until Kandi was over it. Instead of talking about swerves, she wanted to get her buzz on. She threw her hands up in the air and joyously announced, “Bottom line, for you to say that he wants to date up – you're just letting me know that you think I’m a hot bitch. And I am! It don’t get no hotter, you’re right. Give it up for Todd – he came up!” Now go cross-stitch that on a pillow and give it to Mama Joyce.
Kandi – you win; you win everything. Natalie's face pinched shut. Next week I'm gonna need vodka to get through the episode.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WAS KENYA OUT OF LINE TELLING NATALIE ABOUT CHRISTOPHER? IS TODD AN OPPORTUNIST?