On last night's episode of Teen Mom 2, relationships were put to the test and bacon caused a marital breakdown.
Leah Calvert has made nagging and whining a full-time job. Usually I like Leah – aside from that mop of crazy she insists is hair (we don't believe you, member of the Dolly Pardon Wig Club!) – but last night she was working my last nerve. Look girl from WV, you can't have you pepperoni roll and eat it too!
Five minutes after the twins go to Corey Simms' for his weekend, Jeremy surprises Leah by letting her know he's headed to PA to work for a couple weeks. Leah is not happy. She tells Corey his job makes her feel like a single mother and that while he's gone she gets really overwhelmed. She's also frustrated that he doesn't validate her feelings by listening to an extended whiny-fest about how haaaaard lyyyyyyfe eees when he's gone. She thinks they should go to counseling to strengthen their marriage, but Jeremy is against it. He ain't payin' nobody his hard-earned money to tell him what's wrong with him.
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To fortify him for work, Leah makes Jeremy dinner, which is BLTs. That's it. They continue bickering about counseling and Jeremy eventually rubs some raw bacon on Leah's face. DON'T WORRY: Her Crayola paint-by-numbers makeup stayed in tact. Wet-N-Wild lives up to it's name, y'all!
Jeremy leaves for PA while Leah is in a huff – which means her hair gets extra big and crispy. Her sister comes over to help since Ali is sick (poor boo-boo!). Leah's poor deluded sister says she has the perfect life. Leah laughs gives her side-eye, takes a swig of Mt. Dew and points out that her life sucks. She's 22 with three kids, one failed marriage, one failing marriage, and really bad hair.
Leah tells it to her sister straight – she definitely wishes she had a do-over; although she loves her kids, she absolutely should have gone to college and waited on babies and boys. If only they'd taught sex-ed in school she may have figured out like before, before how that whole baby makin' thingee-majigger works. "I might have still have had a kid with disabilities," she admits, "but I would have been more prepared to deal with it." Leah is an anomaly – she's both super mature and super immature.
Jeremy comes home early because he was offered a higher paying job, but he'll have to go to New Mexico for 5 weeks straight. Leah reluctantly agrees he should take it and he promises to fly her + 3 to NM to visit. Leah googles, "How to stop baby making" for future reference. A zillion hits come up.
Chelsea Houska and Adam Lind are at an impasse over visitation with Aubree. Chelsea's attorney filed an affidavit pointing out Adam's history as reasons he should only be permitted supervised visitation.
Over at Adam's he tells a friend that Chelsea's line of reasoning is like so stupid. He's only had like a "couple DUIs" (THREE!) and that was like last year before he knocked up Taylor and had Paislee. Adam believes the judge seeing him and Taylor together will counteract the 4 years he spent ignoring Aubree, getting drunk, going to jail, and breaking the law – and cars. I don't know what's more delusional: his rationale or his recedehawk. Even Adam's friend looks dubious and warns him to watch out for Papa Randilicious. Exactly because right now Papa Randilicious is getting his dental drill ready and threatening to give Adam an un-novacained root canal if he doesn't back-off.
Chelsea enrolls Aubree in dance classes and buys her the biggest tutu she can find. And no, it was not – blessedly – leopard print. It was adorable.
Kailyn Lowry is almost a twice-married woman. Meaning her wedding is upon us (I need to lie down and get some smelling salts out). And guess what – Snuffy is unhappy that Javi Marroquin's family isn't supportive. Complaining is Kail's default mode. Kail is so pretty when she smiles – it's like a rare treasure so that when we see it we all pause the TV and reverberate in its wondrous appearance.
In the weirdest scene ever Kail sits Javi down and dispels some revisionist history about their love story. Like they were married before she got pregnant and that her pregnancy was planned. It seemed to me that Javi was about to spill the beans about a coupla ol' incorrect factoids before Kail threatened to rip his beloved Miley T-shirt to shreds with her teeth. She's just bein' Kail, y'all!
The night before the wedding the respective bride and groom attendants sit in separate hotel rooms and talk wedding. Javi's brother warns him to expect things will go wrong. In Kail's hotel room Javi's sister and cousin still seem to have doubts about our Snuffy – namely why she's so distant.
When Javi's sister asks Kail what makes Javi the one, she thinks for a long time before answering,
"benefits!" "He puts up with me." That right there folks is looooove! Kail's friends come to her defense that Kail has no real family (which really does break my heart for her) and therefore her friends have become her default family. Viva la Peach.
Finally, Jenelle Evans is up to her old shenanigans. It's Jace's birthday and Jenelle realizes she should probably spend the day with him. Barbara, poor low-expectations Barbara, counts this as progress.
Barbara is throwing Jace a birthday party so the morning of, Jenelle drives Jace over there. Nathan Griffith will be meeting him there after work – even though Barbara doesn't want him there after he accused her of making Jenelle a heroin addict by not chaining her to the bedpost as a child. Since Jenelle cannot, not for one day, let anything be about Jace she of course invited Nathan to the party her mother threw to cause drama and make everything about her, per the usual. And as usual Jace suffers. "Happy Birthday what's your name, isn't my new bf hot!!!!!"
Moments after walking in the door with the cake and Jace, an argument erupts about whether or not you can eat the "fondue" Spiderman on the front of the cake. Jenelle calls her mom "f–king stupid". I swear. Barb probably should just change her name to "f–king stupid" since that's ALL Jenelle says to her. I find it amusing that with Nathan not there, Jenelle reverts to her true self of screaming obscenities at her mother and being a self-absorbed biatch.
Meanwhile around Nathan, Jenelle is the meek girl in need of protecting. These two obviously have been watching a little too much Twilight on the big-screen TV Jenelle purchased with the money she should have used to pay child support!
When Nathan arrives, Jenelle turns on the charm and become sweet and obliging. JENELLE – YOU ARE A TERRIBLE ACTRESS. Nathan spends the entire party sucking up to Barb in the most disingenuous way, begging her to forgive her, hugging her against her will, and swearing he is a nice guy. He's a disgusting skeeve and he was worried Barb would out his scandals and his MTV paycheck would disappear. Barb seems to forgive him. Jenelle smiles – Nathan has saved her from her horrible mommy.
Jace is having a violent reaction to Nathan. He kept punching, hitting, and pushing his friends at the party. Later Barb tells Jenelle she thinks the instability of her relationship with Jace makes him want to act out for attention and it becomes more prevalent when he returns from visiting her house. Jenelle tells Barbara that Nathan believes Jace isn't being disciplined enough. Right, because Nathan is really a viable resource for parenting advice. #LostCustody
[Photo Credits: MTV]
TELL US – IS LEAH TOO HARD ON JEREMY? WILL ADAM GET VISITATION? WHY IS JACE ACTING OUT?