Babs is rocking her warpaint this season of Teen Mom 2, which means she has hit the MAC counter hard, and she is ready for battle. She is done with Jenelle Evans' deadbeat surgically implanted boobs and excuses and 'I can't pay for my abortion but here's a big screen TeeVee and a beach house and yet another loser boyfriend who is more important than my son.' And don't you just love when Babs puts somebody on blast?!
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Ever since Nathan came into the picture and they got "serious", which in Jenelle-time means about 2 weeks after they met and when she decided birth control was so yesterday's loser, she's bailing on Jace again. I gotta hand it to Barbara for refusing to accept that Jace will forever be a convenient accessory to Jenelle. When she wants to look good or get some sympathy points she acts like she's trying to get custody back. We all know that'll nevah haaaap'n.
Babs expresses concern that Nathan is a "control freak" so Jenelle never wants to hang out with her or Jace anymore. Because she doesn't need Barbara for anything and MTV recently paid her, so…
Since there's no point in living if there's not pointless drama, Jenelle was rushed to the hospital for an emergency surgery. Before you get all anxious, it was laparoscopic and she practically tweeted through it. Nathan, zmog - most amazing, prince charming in the history of the world, was right by her side the entire time. Can't let his paycheck perish, y'all! And that's exactly the problem: Babs has his number pegged. Did she background check him? Did she ever!
Babs somehow discovered that Nathan hasn't been working like he says (as if begging people to invest in a ponzi scheme or instagramming photos of yourself in speedos, can be called 'work') and that Jenelle is paying for everything. But she's not paying her attorney fees (PLEASE SEND HER TO JAIL, DUSTIN!!), nor has she been spending any time with Jace. Babs labels Nathan a "a pretty boy Courtland."
After surgery, Jenelle brushes off Barbara (who took the day off work to help her recover) and instead invites Tori over. Tori, girl – you're letting me down. Usually you set Jenelusional straight but this time you're gushing and ooohing and aaahing over Nathan. Just wait til Babs faxes you the background check she hired Dustin to run. It'll turn your hair red again! #3DUIS #LostCustody #DroveDrunkWithKidInCar #SupervisedVisitation #MultipleArrests #Deadbeat #Jobless #Fired #LOSER #LOSER #LOSER
Barbara brings Jace (and flowers!) over to check in on Jenelle and reminds her that Courtland is getting out of jail so Jenelle better be careful driving – he ran her off the road – she also warns Nathan not to drive her car. Because
NATHAN DOESN'T HAVE ONE Jenelle doesn't need another mooching boyfriend crashing her car.
This escalates into a huge blowout with Nathan producing "proof" that he works. Babysitting Jenelle does not a job make! Babs doesn't buy it – or him – so he accuses BARBARA of getting Jenelle hooked on heroin and being a terrible, permissive parent by not keeping Jenelle "on a tight leash." Excuse me… is Jenelle 5? Rhetorical question!
Jenelle sits in bed, dead-eyed, and cracked out on her phone tweeting about how horrible her mom is. Jace quietly shuts the door to his bedroom and calls 9-1-1. 'There's this woman here who claims to be my mom, but I've only seen her like 3 times and that was on TV. And some orange-colored velociraptor is attacking my Babs and telling her she's terrible. He smells like Axe bodyspray – the generic kind from Wal-mart and… Oh gotta go - they're kicking us out. Sweet! Thanks anyway!"
The irony of NATHAN and JENELLE calling Barbara out on anything is too rich – even for MTV. So good for Nathan – his new "job" is keeping Jenelle on a tight leash. Good luck with that.
Moving on, Kail Lowry is stuck on wedding drama. The Case of The Cheap Earrings has Javi trapped between Kail and his family. Hopefully his Miley shirt will help him twerk his way out of it. He advises Snuffy to remember disagreements happen, but remember these are minor details that shouldn't pull a family apart. Snuffy complains that she's always been alone and only relied on herself. Ummm… Kail, that has not helped you in the past. She's frustrated that she has so much going on at once and Javi is like well let's focus on the positives. Has he met Kail? Apparently not.
Kail goes to a doctor's appointment. Kail's move to Delaware is such a clusterf–k that she never bothered to get an OBGYN in her new state - despite being 300 months pregnant. No big, but can she eat her placenta? Her doctor side-eyes her and is like um… are you planning to deliver on the side of the road, because a two-hour drive to the hospital while you're in labor isn't going to happen. Kail rolls her eyes – no body puts Snuffy in a corner!
Kail and a friend go get a wedding gown fitting. The friend asks what we all want to know: why are you planning a wedding in your THIRD trimester. You don't even have an OB yet you're bitching about $18 earrings? #Priorities Kail claims it was already planned before she got pregnant. More like, MTV was gonna foot the bill for the aquarium! Kail's dress is matronly. I guess that's the breaks when you're 2,000 weeks pregnant. Kail instructs the seamstress to make sure she looks pregnant, not just fat. #Priorities
Leah Calvert is dealing with Ali's first day of school. Leah has many issues, like letting the AAA sisters play paint-by-numbers on her face (was she really wearing blue and pink eyeshadow together), but her ability to co-parent like the Idiots Guide To Divorce is awesome! Leah and Corey Simms truly put the kids first and their dramatic pasts behind them. It probably helps that they have both moved on to respectful spouses that love them and the girls.
Corey, Leah, Miranda, and Jeremy all take Ali to her first day of school and pick her up. Jeremy does her hair. I will fight Leah for Jeremy or Corey. If they ever get divorced I am moving myself back to WV and snagging one of them boys. I love me a beard, it's well known!
While Ali is settling in to school well (and loves it) the family is still concerned with Gracie. Corey thinks she also needs to go to school to get some independence and friends. Corey's dad, Jeff, is worried Aleeah doesn't understand how much the entire family loves her and thinks they need to work hard to make her see it.
Jeff asks Corey if he's planning to have children with Miranda. Since Corey has a brain that has not been eroded by hairspray and hairdye abuse, he wisely states they're waiting until the twins are a little older. "They're a handful," he explains. I guess we know where Ali and Aleeah get their smarts from… they ain't get it from their mama!
Finally, Chelsea Houska has Adam Lind issues. What else is new! After Chelsea spends hours painting her face all colors not found in nature (unless you count the deep rainforest) Chelsea and Aubree randomly decide to check the mail. And low-and-behold what is waiting but a big 'ole package of documents. I don't know why MTV didn't send a singing telegraph - that would have been more exciting! Of course it's a petition for visitation from Adam. Now that Adam wants to finally pretend to be a grownup, he's demanding Chelsea let him have time with Aubree. How much child support does this loser pay?
I bet MTV threatened to cut his salary or cut him from the show if he didn't step up.
Chelsea calls Randilicious, who speed-dials their attorney and has Adam kidnapped and removed to remote location in Alaska where there are zillions and zillions of muscle cars needing repairs. And no cops! Chelsea thinks Adam's parents are behind this, Adam says he's just tired of Chelsea controlling his relationship with Aubree and that she wants to see her sister, Paislee. Uh huh. Aubree apparently loves Taylor, too. Uh huh.
Chelsea's friend Chelsey comes over to discuss the d-o-c-u-m-e-n-t-s. Chelsea is too upset to spell. And her spelling is so limited, so the end up talking about A-d-a-m right in front of A-u-b-r-e-e. Chelsea complains that she does everything, and gives us a run-down of her day which excludes the 6+ hours she spends on hair destruction, skin discoloration, cosmetic abuse, and Starbucks runs. "He does nothing. He wakes up, goes to work, maybe, and has nothing." Aubree pipes up, "Like my dad." F-u-c-k… Time to get out spelling flashcards Chelsea. Chelsea quickly abandons the conversation.
She visits Randy to discuss her rebuttal to the petition. They're requesting 1 weekend per month or 1 overnight every other week. Sounds generous considering Adam referred to Aubree as a mistake a time or two and has taken ZERO interest in her life. Chelsea starts to cry about the type of father she has given Aubree and how she wished she would have thought about that when she got pregnant. Randy reassures her that Aubree doesn't know any better, which makes Chelsea saddest of all considering she has such an amazing father and Aubree is left with… Recedehawk, his rap sheet, and his flaky manipulative nature.
Chelsea and Leah have really grown up. I'm proud of them. Kail, well… she just needs counseling. And Jenelle – she's a lost cause. Let the velociraptors have her.
[Photo Credits: MTV]
TELL US – IS NATHAN OUT OF LINE BLAMING BABS FOR JENELLE'S BEHAVIOR? DOES ADAM DESERVE VISITATION?