Let's just get this out of the way right at the beginning: Porsha Stewart did in fact live up to the hype. She dragged Kenya Moore across that Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion stage by her hair like she was a battery-operated real live pageant doll. The queen is down – off with her head! I was shocked. I was stupefied. I literally had flashbacks of my childhood [illicit] Dynasty watching days. Alexis Carrington lives again. Hey – there were just as many sequins flying.
Shockingly no one lost a garment – except Cynthia Bailey whose entire boob popped out as she leaped up to avoid the fight. Andy Cohen claims he was trying to stop things, but let's be frank he's less than useless. He was afraid. He was like a little yappy dog barking on the periphery of two big dogs going head to head. Boy – have several seats. Go ask NeNe Leakes to hold you in her lap, stroke your head, and tell you it's OK. Poor Andy – his own monster is turning on him. It's eating him alive.
So that happened. And it was not unprovoked. It was not all together unwarranted, but it was totally unacceptable. And at the very least, we learned that either Kenya has the best weave in the world or we just got confirmation that is real hair.
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So, we'll discuss beauty queen beatdown later, but first let's dismantle the rest of this mess. Phaedra Parks looks phenomenal – Apollo's impending jail stint agrees with her (freedom! There's probably a clause in their prenup stating she doesn't have to pay him a cent if they divorce cause he's incarcerated). NeNe, on the other hand, looks like a grandma auditioning for a role on Star Trek. Kandi Burruss is glowing cause she's about to marry Todd and really, how can you not love Kandi and Todd when you see how happy she looks and how much he seems to adore her.
Porsha got new boobs. They're brand new shiny and have that new silicone smell, apparently, cause she offers Andy a scratch-n-sniff. Kenya whips out her "scepter" because she's the queen. Miss WHO-S-A is waving that thing around like she's on a parade float, but yeah Kenya is too old to be shopping the Disney Princess collection at Toys R Us.
Andy says something to Cynthia about NeNe and NeNe reenacts Frozen. NeNe's prop is the ice cold freeze out that she gave Cynthia! This stage is the most tension filled reunion stage ever. Kandi and Phaedra huddle in their corner of the sofa and make snarky comments during most of the arguing.
[Side Note: Phaedra was reportedly sitting next to Kenya first, then she moved to the end of the sofa and traded seats with Cynthia just before filming. Finally she decided to sit next to Kandi and Porsha traded seats with Phaedra. So it seems PHAEDRA was the intended recipient of Propgate 2013, The Year of The BullHorn.]
NeNe and Kandi have a tit-for-tat about why NeNe wasn't in Kandi's play. NeNe claims she's too busy. "I turn down jobs all the time," says NeNe as Kandi (and the entire RHOA audience) roll their eyes! NeNe so needs to get off her high horse – she is not an A-List actress! Did anyone see her terrible weave in Ellen DeGeneres' Academy Award celeb selfie? Nope!
Kandi remarks that NeNe just could not stand having Kandi be her boss. Truth! Kandi says Tyler Perry has called her more than once about A Mother's Love and that it is slated to start touring. NeNe would poop her pants if Tyler Perry produced a movie about Kandi's play. Lord – let that happen.
So all of the arguments are going to mostly be about Kenya because she isolated everyone this season and did an excellent job of royally (see what I did there) pissing people off. She wins that crown: Miss Ain't Nobody Like Me.
The ladies argue about rudeness and how Kandi was late for NeNe's Savannah trip. Kandi insists she needed to stop at Chik-Fil-A because she was hungry. That erupts into an argument about who is the fattest of them all. <eye roll>
Kenya is still heartbroken over Velvet and shockingly all the ladies (except NeNe) reached out to her when Velvet passed. Phaedra begins a soliloquy about how she felt for Kenya because "Velvet was Kenya's friend, probably one of Kenya's only good friends…" Kenya gets very defensive and insists Phaedra was throwing shade, but I actually think she was trying to be sympathetic and explain that Velvet truly was one of Kenya's few good friends to explain how traumatic Velvet's passing actually was. NeNe is pathetic for not being able to put aside differences and reach out, by the way.
Andy asks Kenya about Phaedra's comments calling her a whore and an "escapee from Whore Island", Kenya says Phaedra is a hypocrite for acting all Christian Southern Belle while making comments like that. Agreed. But likewise it's not fair for Kenya to be in Apollo's business and calling Phaedra fat every 6 seconds or talking about her weight. Andy did not, of course, address this. Kenya starts waving her scepter in Phaedra's direction and trying to talk over her, but Phaedra threatens to wrap it around her neck.
Kenya's lovelife is a hot topic. "I have never had a problem getting d!ck," Kenya insists. RHOA footage begs to differ. Kenya has fig-men of her imagination. Or as Phaedra calls it "Casper the friendly boyfriend." Porsha says Kenya actually tried another rent-a-boyfriend this season and wanted Nigerian singer D’Banj to be Walter 2.0.
Porsha claims D'Banj's mother told someone she knows that Kenya wanted him to come on the show as her boyfriend. Kenya jabs her scepter at Porsha, she snatches it and flings it across the stage. Meanwhile Real Doll Cynthia hasn't been activated yet so she just sits there frozen solid as Kenya and Porsha shriek at each other around her.
Kenya gets out the bull horn, but she was unprepared (!?) and the battery pack isn't in, so she's delayed in her ability to shout-down Porsha who doesn't need a bull horn to keep yelling about Kenya's fake men. In a brief lull, Andy tells Kenya he feels bad for her scepter laying there on the stage all alone.
"If it comes back on this stage it is going right up her ass - right between those balloons, baby. Don’t point no dag-gone scepter at me!" Porsha threatens. That's a bit rich coming from someone who just hocked her engagement ring to pay for some new balloons she's proudly displaying on the reunion stage. Or maybe Porsha's dictator boyfriend paid for them…
Kenya fumbles with the bullhorn some more (Technical Difficulties by Bravo!) to ask Porsha to spell "Scepter". Everyone laughs and Porsha does in fact resort to the elementary days and tells Kenya she smells like a septic tank. Please get Porsha a one-way ticket back to pre-school. All aboard the underground school bus!
Andy asks Kenya about her Nigerian prince. Kenya insist he's real. In fact he's right there on that stage wrapped in an invisibility cloak! You don't see him? Kenya claims NeNe has met him. NeNe denies it, Andy reminds NeNe that she did say she kind of met him.
So NeNe shares the story about how some "extremely dark African man" accosted her outside of her Beverly Hills hotel, you know the one she likes, and said some things to her that she couldn't understand. Language Barriers By Bravo!
NeNe thought he was begging for money so she quickly got in her Ferrari and drove away. But in fact he was telling her, "Kenya Moore is across the street."
(even more reason to speed away!) After NeNe left, Kenya called to say her boyfriend was trying to tell her she was across the street, but NeNe was so "nasty and so rude" her boyfriend doesn't ever want to meet her again. They both glare at each other while NeNe slowly repeats, "So nasty and so rude." Andy swallows.
Then Porsha and Kenya are back at it about how she never dates anyone real. Kenya says she dated lots of celebrities but she likes to keep her love life "under the radar", which sounds like a fancy way of saying "booty calls". Right?
Kenya talks about karma and how Phaedra and Porsha were so mean to her, mocking her singleness and "scrambled egg" infertility, but now their lives are a mess. True, true! Porsha's hubby put her out on the curb (where she belongs!) and Phaedra's husband put her on the federal indictment list (where Possibly? Allegedly? Perhaps? she belongs!) and has been dogging around town with other ladies.
Porsha claims Kenya instigates and provokes everyone with her nastiness but then tries to play the victim when the ladies lash back. Ummm… YEAH! We all know Phaedra told Porsha to say that because Hooked on Phonics isn't that insightful.
Porsha and Kenya erupt again over marriage. And Kenya drops a bomb that Porsha CHEATED on Kordell and that's why she got nothing, nada in the divorce.
Porsha screeches that Kenya is "a slut from the 90's!" Kenya gets the bullhorn out to call Porsha a "dumb hoe" and boom! Porsha is out of her seat and grabs at Kenya. I couldn't tell if she was reaching for the bullhorn initially or what but she grabbed Kenya's hair and held on for dear life! They were rolling around that stage until producers pried Porsha off Kenya and she started kicking her feet, sobbing and crying which is totally age-appropriate behavior given her kindergarten maturity level.
Kenya stalks off stage with Miss Lawrence, her sycophant, scuttling behind her. "I am not about to get hit on national television," she seethes. NeNe and Phaedra cluster around a hysterical Porsha. NeNe puts her hands over Porsha's mouth because they don't want her to say anything that will incriminate herself. They keep telling her it's OK, but Porsha is moaning and wailing about how much she embarrassed herself and how she can't believe she did that.
Finally Porsha gets carried off stage. Andy goes to apologize to Kenya - he never anticipated it would go this far. "I tried to stop it," he pleads (I THOUGHT IT WAS RIDICULOUS HE APOLOGIZED TO HER,BECAUSE HE LET HER PROVOKE PORSHA WITH THOSE PROPS! But I guess he has to protect his ratings!)
Then he goes to see Porsha who has composed herself. Porsha admits this season has been too much and she was not ready to film and deal with her divorce. Kenya just kept pushing her and pushing her until she "blacked out". She basically doesn't know what happened. She seems sincere. Andy tells her she needs to apologize to Kenya (when hell freezes over!) and then says he thinks she needs to go home and take a break instead of finishing the day. Porsha looked relieved. And I guess this is good-bye.
I feel sorry for her. She is going through a lot of personal problems. Kenya was provoking her for two years and consistently hitting below the belt. And let's be frank Porsha is not smart, she's no match for someone like Kenya. And Kenya knows this. Kenya would have never tried that ish with Phaedra because Phaedra can keep it in check until the day dies.
Here is my opinion on the matter: I think what Porsha did was totally wrong, but I am SO OVER Kenya and her antics. And I do not think "props" should be allowed at the reunion. Especially something as inflammatory as a bullhorn. I also think there were some scenes from this 'fight' and the lead up that were edited out.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV]
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