Last night Heather Dubrow was in full manners crusader role as she hosted a hoedown ground breaking party for her new mansion in the sky. In case you didn't know, Heather is above everyone else – literally.
Before all that, the ladies of Real Housewives of Orange County continued to bicker and give their varying accounts of "chairgate". When will Bravo stop trying to make "…gate" happen? They should re-title the franchise Real Housewives Gate. Anyway, back to chairgate. UGH.
Heather complains to Terry that Shannon Beador turned into the Incredible Hulk (it must be all the supplements!), wrenched the chair out from under her and bellowed SHANNON SMASH SOCIALITE! It was frankly alarming to Miss Dubrow – positively frightening. She's really considering therapy for the horrifying injustice she endured. True confession: I tuned out. I think Terry did too. Heather's complaints went on for a while.
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Across town Shannon is buying cowboy boots with Vicki Gunvalson. Vicki is all sad that her feets are swollen and the cute boots don't fit – maybe she can get foot lipo. Shannon has high arches and a special foot slimming holistic spa day because wrapping your feet in seaweed infused with herbal tonics makes your entire body thinner. I made that up. Anyway, they're trying on boots and complaining about Heather. Shannon is still confused about why Heather called her an angry monster. Vicki shrugs – she's used to it!
Then Shannon calls Vicki out on being rude to Lizzie Rovsek. Vicki thinks she was totally justified in not remembering the woman's name because Lizzie is the name of an animal and she should just go by Elizabeth like a real person. Shannon remains firm in telling Vicki she was in the wrong. That Shannon is a complex woman… and she does not fear the wrath of the OC OG. In fact, Vicki seems practically enamored with her new BFF because Shannon is kind of like a classy, rich version of Tamra Judge.
Vicki's daughter Briana is relocating to Oklahoma and she invites Vicki to fly out and house hunt in a few weeks. Vicki says she's going to have diarrhea from anxiety and oh great… another Vicki leakage incident could be on our way. Don't leave Briana – we can't take it. Anyway, Vicki, of course, wants to helicopter mom all over her 30-year-old daughter's life, but you know… who is surprised? No wonder she's dating Brooks – she can parent him.
Finally it's hoedown day. This is an extremely important and relevant and history-making historic revolutionary day in Heather's life and for her family. Rich people have interesting thought processes because it's just a house, but in Heather's mind everything she's doing is the most important thing ever. Heather has planned a Wild, Wild West theme on the dirt patch that will be, in 10 years time, a mansion overlooking all the other mansions in Crystal Cove. There's a band, games, and an onion ring station! Heather spends the entire party trying to shove onion rings in Terry's face ala Mommie Dearest, like, 'You wanted onion rings, you gott'em! EAT MORE ONION RINGS. MORE ONION RINGS!' until Terry is terrified of onion rings. Maybe Heather thought it made her look like an accommodating wife? Interestingly there were no shade tents, despite it being an afternoon party. All that direct sun might melt Botox. Or cause wrinkles.
Heather invited all their closest friends: which include two ex-MLB players whose wives wanna be on the show and have never met Heather before, all the RHOC castmates, and about six other people. Popular girl, that Heather!
And then Shannon had to muck it all up by being late! Heather claims she was holding up the festivities (which included a speech, a toast, and an actual bulldozer pushing a mound of dirt to the side) on account of Shannon's lateness. Interestingly Vicki was also an hour late since she arrived with Shannon, but Heather seemed to focus her time animosity on Shannon.
Look – Shannon doesn't use a watch, she relies on the rays of the sun to tell time. Digital clocks are toxic! Duh!
Over lunch, Heather asks Shannon why she was late. Shannon immediately freaks out and starts yelling at David. It was all his fault. Everything is his fault. David coaches their daughter's basketball team and practice runs until 12:30 every Saturday. Heather is highly affronted that Shannon did not text to let her know she would be late. A tearful Shannon thinks Heather hates her and doesn't understand. She and Vicki visit the bar, where Shannon cries about how she thought it was a casual open-house style party, not a scheduled event. Shannon really doesn't know Heather!
Tamra tries to mediate by telling Heather that she likes both her and Shannon, but thinks they need to sit down and work through their issues. Heather must have thought Shannon got to Tamra, because the Tamra she knows would never try to make peace. Naturally she assumes Tamra is trying to stir the pot and cause problems. Camped out by the bar Shannon is still weeping in her vodka about how she doesn't want to ruin the party. Vicki and Tamra decide to try and talk to Heather but Shannon protests, "I don't want a fricking throwdown at the hoedown!"
I don't know which one of these women is more annoying and self-righteous: Heather or Shannon, but they carry on this way throughout the rest of the party. They just alternated their whining with trips to the bar, so it was complain, drink, complain, drink, complain, drink…
Heather then calls out Vicki for being late and proceeds to complain some more about Shannon and times and schedules and chairs so Vicki mimes falling asleep and snoring. It was a total bitch move – like OMG so bitchy that I think her love tank must be empty again – but I get it. Heather can beat a dead horse until it's turned into leather so she can make a purse. Then Heather goes to complain to Terry about how Shannon is a monster and Tamra and Vicki are mean. I just want to know why everyone can't have fun? Shut up and drink.
In other issues, Vicki is still rude to Lizzie. When she sees Lizzie at the party Vicki says, "Nice to meet you." Did she mean, "Nice to meet you… again"? Lizzie is shocked, but kind of shrugs it off. Preemptively Tamra had warned Lizzie to keep standing up to Vicki because if you let her get away with it, you're toast. Lizzie is a little disgusted that Tamra, who is supposed to be Vicki's BFF, is saying this, but it turns out Tamra was right.
Later, by the bar, Vicki apologizes to Lizzie for being so rude when they all went out to dinner. Vicki admits there was no excuse for her behavior. YES VICKI. YES. Manners – you have too few of them and Heather has too many, so let's meet in the middle for a happy medium. Lizzie graciously accepts without drawing anymore attention to the matter (which was awesome) and they agree to start fresh.
Then there are games. Terry comes over to tell Vicki and Tamra they hurt Heather's feelings. They both laugh in his face, stuff onion rings in his mouth, and string him up by his tightie-whities over the grandstand. Heather is too busy flouncing around in her Chanel checking to make sure everyone is square dancing the right way to notice. Eventually some kids thought he was a pinata. Such is Terry's life.
And finally it's mechanical bull time. Yay. #sarcasm. Tamra professes to be some sort of expert and keeps barking orders at Lizzie and Shannon about how to ride. Ahem. "Use your core," she bellows. Shannon's core is implanted with cruelty-free, organic, free-range diamonds mined in the still coast of the arctic sea guarded by polar bears so she does all right. Heather insists on a gentle ride – she's a lady, after all. It's called a hoe down, but that hoe ain't going down!
Finally it's Tamra's turn on the bull. Heather and Terry tell the operator to crank it up and Tamra goes flying off and injures her arm. She wonders why the bull seemed to be faster when it was her turn. Heather asks if someone told the operator to speed it up? Um…
Vicki makes a joke about how Tamra should sue. Heather and Terry exchange glances and don't confess to telling the bull operator to crank it to 11. Tamra heads to urgent care where her arm isn't broken, just badly bruised.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WOULD YOU CARE IF SHANNON WAS LATE? WAS HEATHER MAKING TOO BIG OF A DEAL?