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Sunday night we saw the premiere of Keeping up with the Kardashians. We learned that Kourtney lacks emotions, Khloe likes talking about Vajay-jay’s, Kim loves Kanye mirrors and Kris is still dying to be the fourth Kardashian sister.

The episode starts with Khloe talking about her divorce and how she is handling it. Her description of how she is dealing with it sounds a lot like denial. Khloe decides jumping on her trampoline and hanging out at Casa de Kris is the best way to combat an ugly divorce, that and constantly referencing how her va jay-jay is trying to swallow her itty bitty daisy dukes. Yes Khloe, we’ve all seen your camel toe. Side note: did Khloe just say Kim looks like Paula Abdul? Poor Paula, she doesn’t deserve that.

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Kim is in a happy mood because her boobs look big and perky due to her awesome bra, but she’s sad her bra gives her back fat. Le sad. Kris reminds Kim to pick her battles. Kris is excited about hanging out with Diddy later, because since dumping Bruce she’s decided she is a part of the West Coast rap pack. Kim thinks Kris is a Debbie Desperado that tries too hard and she doesn’t understand rap because she is prehistoric. After a while Kim and Kris agree they are both Debbie Downers but just different kinds. 

On a serious note I feel truly sad for Scott, we learn he lost his mother and a month later he lost his father. Scott has decided to return to the retreat in Arizona he went to earlier with Kourtney. He wants to go on a man-cation where he can deal with his emotions. I am pretty sure this is the same retreat the New Jersey Housewives went to, and we all know how that ended! In a bizarre twist he has decided against taking his baby mama, as Kourtney refuses to open up and express herself and he feels like she insults the staff at the retreat when she won’t open up. I feel terrible for Scott for losing both parents and not being able to emotional connect with his partner. I feel bad for Lord Disick ?! Is this a sign of the apocalypse?

Khloe, Kim and the wannabe fourth sister Kris are out for lunch. Are they actually out for lunch though? Because I only saw them eat lettuce and Instagram pictures of the yummy food. FIY apparently instagramming pictures of food lowers one's sexiness rating. Khloe also gives her hoop wearing mother some stellar advice – ‘The bigger the hoop the bigger the hoe’. Unfortunately Khloe forgot she also was wearing hoops and her hoops danced circles around Mama Kris’s. Pretty sure Khloe’s name can spell hoe anyway #destiny.

Kim wants to flaunt her sexiness because she just had a baby y’all and she looks hot.   I understand why they weren’t eating now; all Kim did that lunch was rub her butt and gyrate around the table. Evidently Kim’s sickening sensual prancing alerted Kris’s inner prowess to take over and the two started to compete for what Khloe dubbed as the Milf off. Kim thinks being called a Milf is the ultimate compliment, Kris, aka the dinosaur, doesn’t know what ‘Milf’ means…

Scott decides to surprise his monotone baby Mama with a sexy sports car. Scott is optimistic because Kourtney reveals she just bought a large ice tea instead of a medium and the experience was life changing! Surely a sports car will warrant life changing too? Right?? WRONG!!!!! You would have thought he’d gifted her with a mammogram with that reaction! Kourtney is less than impressed and she is confused as to where the kids’ car seats will go. Scott explains it’s a car for when they don’t have the kids, something sexy to zip around in on a date night or whenever. Either Kourtney’s dress is so tight she can’t move or that car is seriously for itty bitty teenagers, because Kourtney can barely swing her legs into the car and she doesn’t know how to close the door. Poor Scott, he could have saved a bundle and just got her a large Frozen Coke and rocked her socks off.

Kim is hanging out with Larsa Pippen and they are learning to twerk – from their iPhones. Larsa feels like she needs some liquid courage to get her twerk on and I think I am going to need it to get through the next scene. Kim & Larsa are off to a pole dancing class, which Kris is krashing much to Kim’s chagrin. The ladies compete to bring out their inner sexy, Kim is sad she doesn’t have a better weave to whip around the pole. Kris can barely get up the pole. The ladies cheer Kris on but Kim is embarrassed by Kris. Quite frankly I am embarrassed by the whole scene, especially the overtly sexual instructor who keeps touching herself!

Scott calls Khloe and opens up to her the difficult place he is in emotionally after losing his parents and that he feels like he has hit rock bottom. Khloe commends Scott that he is able to open up about his emotions says she is actually surprised at how well he is coping. Khloe reveals it took her years to get to the place Scott is at after she lost her Dad, and that Scott should be proud of himself even though he is struggling. Kim overhears the conversation (or it distracted her from looking at herself in the mirror) and asks if he has spoken to Kourtney about his feelings but he says he finds it easier to talk to Khloe about his feelings.

Back at Khloe’s house she is having a meltdown over packing up her house she doesn’t want to let go of anything including all her photos of her and Lamar from happier times. Le sad. Khloe just wants to go back to Instagramming pictures of her 90s hairstyle and red lips.

The sisters are at lunch and the topic turns to Kourtney and her lack of emotions. Kourtney protests and says she cries at commercials and movies, Khloe calls her a liar. The girls encourage Kourtney to be less blocked off when it comes to Scott and get more in touch with her emotions. The girls joke that apparently Kourtney is so against emotions she even hates emojis because she thinks they are too dramatic for text messages! Omg what happened to her as a child? Oh that’s right, her mother is Kris Jenner. Asked and answered.

Back to Casa de Kris, Momager Kris is half naked doing a photo shoot in the pool. She has decided she wants to show the girls you can still be sexy in your 50s. Apparently this idea was brought on by Kim’s infamous bathing suit selfie – so we can thank Kim for this scene. The girls are shocked to venture out into the backyard to find their Mom swanning around her pool half nude. They proceed to critique and insult her. Khloe screams she can see vagina! Klassy! Kim decides if this is what she has got to look forward to, she is going to bank a million selfies now #PleaseDont.  Kourtney compares her mother’s pool romp to a yeast infection ready to happen. Ouch! Kris retaliates and says she can’t wait to see what they all look like when they are in their 50s, and I have to say I agree! Kris actually looks amazing for her age and I wonder if these girls will be eating some crow in their 50s. Kris feels insulted and flees the Baywatch-inspired pool shoot, in favor of sulking in her Zsa Zsa Gabor inspired bathroom while her glam squad swoon over her.

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Kim feels bad, and decides to apologize to her mommy.  I think it’s more likely Kim realized Kris was going to a room where there were mirrors. Kim and Kris reconcile and everyone knows the way the Kardashians mend fences is by taking selfies together. Cue ridiculous duck pouts and posing. Kim rambles about how her mom taught her about how true fabulousness comes from within and she hopes to be as confident as her Mom is when she is also that ancient, or something like that.

Back at MonotoneMama Kourtney's house, Kourtney has decided to see a healing therapist to help get in touch with her emotions. Kourtney is explaining Scott’s situation and she begins to tear up and she reveals she feels like she is having a nervous breakdown because she doesn’t have time to process her feelings and it gets to a point where she suddenly explodes. The therapist advises Kourtney to make time to get in touch with her light, goofy and fun side by making some alone time for herself.

The family invade Khloe’s to have a packing party, including a bizarre looking Bruce. Khloe is micro-managing the packing process because she apparently has major anxiety and OCD when it comes to packing. Khloe decides to ram Kris like a charging rhino because she isn’t packing the way she likes. I think Khloe got anger issues and extreme rage confused with OCD and anxiety. Kim breaks it to Khloe that Lamar isn’t coming home for any of his things. Khloe seems to be in a place of denial and Kim hits the nail on the head when she says that it’s not about the packing it’s about having Lamar slip further away from her. Am I actually agreeing with Kim?

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Over at No-emotion Manor, Kourtney opens up to Scott about her meeting with her healing practitioner. Kourtney says she was advised to take time for herself, even if it’s ten minutes a day. Scott is totally supportive and on board with anything that will help his monotone Mama seem even slightly more human. However, he is quite perplexed as to what makes her so busy every day, because she apparently doesn’t do very much, and now I find myself agreeing with Lord Disick! Seriously, I’ve agreed with Kim and Scott in one episode!! What is KUWTK doing to me!!?

Fancap Author: Gina P.

Photo Credit: NbcUmv/TimothyWhite/E!

 

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