Whenever the Real Housewives of Orange County travel it’s an elephantine-sized disaster. And this time they came into contact with actual elephants. I’m pretty sure subjecting an elephant to Vicki Gunvalson‘s screaming constitutes animal abuse. Last night they all traveled to Bali for some spiritual awakening, reincarnated relationships, and bonding – at least that was on the trip prospectus.
Bali is being terrorized by California ladies with 25 pieces of designer baggage and enough anxiety drugs (they’re holistic!!) to tranquilize an elephant. The real purpose of this trip is for us to get different scenery while they haggle and rehash over the same dang arguments. Vicki has a conniption fit because she thinks all the calming auras in Indonesia will interfere with the WiFi signal so she won’t be able to WORK! WORK! WORK! More time to FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! (or in Vicki’s case get motion sickness and puke in Tamra Judge‘s lap in the back of a van).
After 30 hours on a plane everyone, including that silent one Danielle Gregorio, arrives. She is now called “Dumb” as in 1/2 of the Vicki-dubbed Dumb & Dumber. She was wearing a molting Muppet costume on the plane. I seriously wonder what happened with this one. Why is she the RHOC ghost? I feel like a Sc0oby Doo montage starring Shannon Beador‘s mystery door needs to breakout!
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The hotel is lovely, the zen is palpably being ignored, and Shannon has her weight in homeopathic travel remedies and vitamins just in case, but she also brought along “Vacation Shannon”, who is Shannon x 10. Heaven help us all. Jesus sweep down from the rafters and save us from Vacation Shannon because Vacation Shannon coupled with Vacation Vicki is going to give me the vapors. One thing that is not lovely is the humidity. The ladies are having a case of Hot flashes by Bravo! Menopause does not travel well in the tropics.
Over dinner that night Vicki discovers something that scares her more than Tamra’s mouth: shrimp mousse on a skewer. She is practically having it analyzed in a lab. No Vicki, it’s not the stuff you put in your hair – or rather the stuff you SHOULD be putting in that frizzy mess you call hair! Heather Dubrow gives everyone traditional Balinese crowns that look like they are part of a SheRah costume. Tamra is the bitch queen! Vicki complains. She should be grateful – it covers the aforementioned hair. After more mousse debate someone passes out in the chicken pate and they all go to bed.
The next day Vacation Shannon and her omnipresent cocktail (BFFS!) go kayaking with Vicki. Shannon frets that the cocktail might spill – alas a kayak has no cupholder. Shannon + cocktails = crazy. Vacation Shannon + cocktails + kayak + Vicki = CAPSIZED!
Tamra and Heather plan an elephant ride for the girls while Lizzie Rovsek and Danielle scurry away to complain about Tamra lying about Lizzie’s birthday and Vicki calling them dumb. Lizzie doesn’t care about the dumb comment, but Danielle, gloaming onto any storyline her boring
ass coat can get, sure does! Lizzie is ripe furious at Tamra for not calling in advance about missing the party, and then telling people she didn’t want to be there anyway, and then even worse – making fun of Lizzie’s dress (it was bad!) to Danielle. Basically Tamra is two-faced. Lizzie, figuring out this is her MO after warnings from Vicki and Shannon, is ready to skewer Tamra like last night’s shrimp mousse!
On the van ride to the elephant excursion Vicki comes down with a raging case of gagging motion sickness. She dry-heaved for about 30 minutes – it made a whooping sound. Vicki even Woo Hoos when she’s puking. She almost puked in Tamra’s lap - you know what they say about karma knowing a bitch when she sees one! When they get off the van, a dog comes near them and they run screaming from it. Seriously.
On the elephant every lady totes along their designer purse and Vicki screams bloody murder every time the elephant moves. It’s hair was touching her!!!! Heather, also getting a case of ‘karma is a bitch’, gets stuck being elephant seat-partners with Vicki’s shrieks. Lizzie and Shannon ride together where they continue their tirade against Tamra’s ills. Then Tamra sees the most majestic thing she’s ever lay eyes on: an elephant penis. Vicki ralphs again – this time on Heather’s Chanel bag. #WishfulThinking
Actually Heather was rather delightfully ‘Old Heather’ last night. I figured out how Heather rolls: she loves when other people are the center of the drama so she can be the omnipotent narrator and look glorious by default. Oh girl… don’t you know that in Bravoland everyone draws the villain card at least once – except for Tamra, she owns the villain card.
Over dinner things are lovely until some stupid person brings up the Dumb & Dumber comment. Vicki barely grazes through an apology because Lizzie is so unessential to her. Then it escalates into Tamra not being courteous enough to call Lizzie the morning of her party to let her know she wasn’t coming. Of course Tamra is full of excuses, but the crux of Lizzie’s frustration comes from: being humiliated on her birthday by everyone ditching her (and later taking it out on Christian – she drunkenly announced he couldn’t get a hard-on. Ouch!) and finding out later that Tamra was making fun of her behind her back, all the while texting her during the party about how sad she was to have missed it. Most specifically Tamra made fun of Lizzie’s dress. Of course Tamra, told Danielle – on purpose? – and it got back to Lizzie.
Tamra whips out her phone (they do get service in Bali! Work, Vicki, work!) to prove that not only did she tease Lizzie about her dress being too short to her face (well to her texts), but that Lizzie joked back. Something Lizzie was too drunk to remember. Tamra, Heather, and Vicki leave Lizzie shocked by how two-faced Tamra is. Wasn’t Lizzie in pageants – shouldn’t she be savvier about two-faced?
In the hotel hallway, Tamra complains that Lizzie is making things up about the dress when Heather interjects to remind Tamra that she did make fun of it. Tamra gets all uppity and accuses Heather of making fun back, but Heather adheres to the point that Tamra was rude about Lizzie’s dress and is now refusing to admit it. Dang – even Heather is calling Tamra out! No allies, no friends Tammie Sue – only enemies keeping you close.
Tamra stonewalls Heather and skulks off to her room where Vicki comes over for a drink. I find it interesting that of alllll the brutal and ruthless things Tamra has said to others, she is most upset that she’s being accused of making fun of Lizzie’s dress!
Back at the pool, Lizzie and Shannon commiserate over Tamra. Lizzie informs Shannon that Tamra told everyone about the email David sent and embellished it to the point where David is asking for a divorce and at the courthouse filing papers because Shannon is categorically insane and lives in a delusional fantasy world and David can’t take it.
Is Tamra describing her marriage to Eddie? Because of Tamra, everyone thought Shannon was crazy-pants galore.
Then the topic of Heather’s Valentine’s Day party came up. At the end of a night of many drinks, they played Kill, Marry, Shag with their friend group. While everyone emphatically agreed to kill Vicki and Brooks, the marry and shag equation caused friction. Lizzie tells Shannon that Eddie said he wanted to “marry” her and Tamra stormed out of the party.
Back in her room (where I am shocked Tamra lets Vicki sit on her bed after last season. #VickiPeedHerGunderpants), Tamra claims Eddie said he wanted shag Lizzie. And then as they were waiting for the limos an argument ensued where Lizzie sneered at Tamra, “You’re just mad because Eddie wants to F-k me.” Vicki is shocked.
Look: Tamra is horrid and won’t admit to it. Same story, different season. Let’s just move on and ignore her – that will really piss her off!
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
TELL US – WHO IS TWO-FACED: LIZZIE OR TAMRA?