Things we learned on last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County: 1) Heather Dubrow is afraid of Tamra Barney. 2) No one else is afraid of Tamra as they realized there is power in numbers 3) Vicki Gunvalson‘s plastic surgery has rendered it virtually impossible to cry (can we get this woman on Botched already?!). 3) You reap what you sow – whether it be rice or karma.
The ladies are in Bali and things were supposed to be rejuvenating. They were if you consider that coconut water is practically on tap there, but the company was just as negative as always! We witnessed a two-pronged dinner fight, that went into several acts last night. Shakespeare would be so proud of our Bravo editors! Dinner Act 1 featured Tamra squaring off against Lizzie Rovsek over fashion backstabbing and birthday ditching. Tamra fled the table, which is a serious sign of weakness in the Housewives kingdom and it let Lizzie know that Tamra is vulnerable so she fortified her mutiny.
The next day there is a clear divide between the Old Guard (Tamra, Heather, and Vicki) and the New Gals (Lizzie, Shannon Beador and that silent one – Mute Wide-Eyed McPout Dumberson). The agenda is playing with monkeys, touring a temple, and shopping in the market. Old Guard is dressed to the tropical nines. Heather’s dress was fabulous; humidity does not exist in the carefully calibrated perfectly controlled world of Heather – is she some sort of Housewives superhero? The New Gals were in workout gear – Lizzie practically wore a bikini as Tamra sneered that booty shorts aren’t appropriate for a temple. Ironic considering Tamra was also wearing booty shorts. Luckily the temple was booty short prepared and forced them to put sarongs over their clothes.
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At the temple Heather claims she has found The Zen and is changing her religion from BuJew (Buddhist jew) to HinJew (Hindu-Jew) – is she working her way through all the religions to see which one is most forgiving of two-faced bitchiness! Shannon swoons about the masterful spiritual awakening she experienced because she gets The Zen. She lives The Zen; embodies it and it shines through her pores like a crystal deodorant in reverse. Tamra doesn’t get The Zen and thinks it’s a cocktail. She has The Evil Eye though – does that count?! Vicki found her Zen at an insurance conference many Dr. Moons ago, so she’s good!.
The New Gals change clothes to give the illusion of conformity, Shannon put on a dress one might wear to high tea. Tamra complains about potentially being gang raped in Bali by monkeys – too bad she’s about to be ganged up on over cocktails and what is possibly fried monkey mousse! #Foreshadowing Vicki and Tamra flee and hide in the bathroom where they discover toilet paper is a western concept. Vicki needs to just start wearing Depends.
As they shop in the local market, Vicki reaffirms the dumbness of Lizzie and Mute, who allow the vendors to take advantage of them. They were probably just having fun, but to Vicki money is a Goddess who needs worshipping. Vicki probably has a specially made crown of Benjamins which she wears at night to chant in front of her shrine of insurance documents.
Then they get fish pedicures and the fish swarm Tamra (because she’s dead inside?), Heather is so perfectly taut with Botox there is no loose skin for the fish to eat. Shannon is petrified of fish and freaks out that they touch her. Vicki just ran through the market screaming, “Insurance!”
The next day the ladies break into groups: Heather and Tamra go for a bike ride to explore Bali, Shannon and Vicki go to a spa for holistic heaven, Mute and Lizzie decide to sit by the pool to plot and plan their mutiny against Tamra. Lizzie and Danielle seemed to be having the least amount of fun – was it because Danielle is so invisible Lizzie couldn’t tell if she was talking to the pool liner or her friend?
After being crystaled, Shannon tells Vicki that Tamra has been a bad friend. And Holistic Heaven goes to Holistic Hell in one coconut water and a hibiscus facial spray. Not only has Tamra been trashing Brooks behind Vicki’s back, she’s been complaining about Vicki as well. Vicki is speechless and looks legit hurt. She thought Tamra was her friend again (despite the fact that she was talking about her to Lizzie a couple weeks ago!) and is disgusted to learn that Tamra cannot be trusted. “There’s a darkness inside of her,” Vicki informs us.
Back at the pool Shannon and Vicki meet up with Lizzie and Mute for cocktails. Liquid courage, gals! In a gossip catharsis that leaves no nasty stone unturned, Shannon is regaled with stories of even more dreadful things Tamra said about her that led Lizzie and Danielle to avoid her. Not only is Shannon crazy and being entertained little green martians in her head, but she needs a colonic she’s so full of bullshit, and an exorcism couldn’t even save her. And speaking of being saved, Tamra has been regaling all the ladies with scandalous stories of Shannon’s marriage. Oh – and Vicki is next – Tamra still doesn’t accept Brooks. Vicki is just mouth agape staring at the ground, with fish eyes. Shannon hates fish, Vicki – look out!
Heather and Tamra explore rice paddies – Tamra thought rice grew on trees, so she learned something new and she’s about to learn even more new information – like everyone is wise to her antics!
Before dinner Shannon thanks Heather for including her in the trip, and apologies – again – for all their drama. It seemed as if Heather was going to accept but as soon as they sat down she confronts Shannon with some bogus nonsense of the time at her Hoedown that Shannon’s husband told her to spread her legs before getting on the mechanical bull. Apparently Terrry is sooooooo furiously mad it took him months and months to speak of the horrible matter. Or maybe his memory frozen with Botox?
Shannon is like oh shit – not this again. She wisely doesn’t take the bait and orders another drink, besides – there’s an agenda: the Tamra drama supersedes.
Things get weird – there is lots of awkward silence. Vicki is silent as Mute (I KNOW, RIGHT?!) and is just staring straight ahead to keep from crying. Tamra tries to speak to her using some weird telepathy but it’s hard to decipher anything when neither of their faces move! Finally Tamra leaves for the bathroom and Vicki spills to Heather that Tamra has been trashing Brooks, lying to her face, and basically being untrustworthy. Again. Vicki feels their friendship is over.
And then bam! Shannon calls Tamra out for her backstabbing betrayals, constant lies, and talking about her to everyone in the group. She also thinks Tamra made up the ‘Take down the Beadors’ comment. Shannon was calm but firm. Tamra blamed Lizzie and Mute for revealing what she said and that Shannon drinks too much. She brings up ‘Marry, Shag, Kill’ again and accuses Lizzie of making the ‘Eddie wants to eff me’ comment, which Lizzie denies, but Heather insists Lizzie said.
Lizzie tells Tamra she is “such crap” and has just been trying to manipulate everyone. Tamra gets madder and madder because well, Lizzie is beating her at her own game: calling her out, not backing down, confronting her with verbal jabs. “You’re the most insecure woman I’ve ever met,” Lizzie snaps.
Tamra responds by fleeing the table. No one goes after her, which speaks volumes. And Lizzie knows she has won. But she is not done yet – Shannon issues the final blow. Shannon tells Heather that even she is not immune from Tamra’s vicious tongue, as Tamra told her they weren’t truly friends and that Heather was only in her wedding for the show. Oh and she told Mute (she speaks!) that Heather is anorexic. Heather tears up, looks down at her plate of congealed Balinese delicacy and she sniffles that she’s hurt.
One thing we can thank Tamra for is that she rendered Vicki silent (Mute 2.0!). Vicki is just so hurt she’ll never recover. Heather goes to check on Tamra, finally, and Tamra denies it all, blames Lizzie for fabricating an attack, and says again that Shannon is crazy. Still – she is most upset with Vicki.
Heather is only there to confirm she hasn’t been played for the fool, that Tamra didn’t take down the Dubrows by selling a snake oil friendship. “But you love me, don’t you?” Heather pleads. Of course Tamra does – Heather is her only frienemy left! Oh Heather… if it walks like a bitch, talks like a bitch, lies like a bitch – she’s probably Tamra.
No one is feeling forgiving towards Tamra and Vicki is STILL pretty much silent, but Lizzie is the cat that ate the canary and Shannon looks shocked at her own gumption. Heather thinks they should just wait to deal with it until they get back to the OC. Don’t they have a 30 hour plane ride together?
You know Tamra was caught on tape saying all the horrible things about Shannon, making the comments about Brooks, but I don’t know – do we believe all of Lizzie’s tales? Is Lizzie an evil genius (has Tamra met her match?!) or is Tamra just a really horrible person?
Heather wanted an experience that was indigenous to Bali, too bad she got one that is only indigenous to Housewives: The Vacation From Hell! No matter what the location.
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
TELL US – IS LIZZIE AN EVIL GENIUS WHO BEAT TAMRA AT HER OWN GAME OR IS TAMRA JUST A REALLY, REALLY HORRIBLE PERSON?