On Secrets Revealed Part 1 Bravo unveiled all the Real Housewives Of New Jersey drama we missed. The ladies packed up all the tampons at ShopRite and traveled to Atlantic City via party bus. We – and they – can thank the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad twins for this trip!
And a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad trip it was! In synopsis: everyone had their period, Amber Marchese wants to be a Russian hooker named Alana when she grows up, Twinsanity, and Dina Manzo files Atlantic City under “White Trash” in the zen-dictionary.
Of course, more happened: first of all Teresa Giudice packed like her life depended on it – did she know this was the last time, for a long time, she’d be strutting her sequins out on vacation? A party bus, hired by a twin, picked-up Melissa Gorga, then Teresa. Melissa spotting Teresa standing in front of a mountain of luggage, in front of her gelatinous mountain of tackstronomy house, observed, “You need to learn to scale back girlfriend.” Truer words, Melis! They tawk periods and pick-up Dina who is DUH – like on her period!
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It’s like a young adult book: Shyster Sisterhood of The Traveling Leopard Print: The Trouble With PMS (I picture a book cover with a worried looking Dina standing outside a bathroom stall holding a pad and a tampon, while we see a glimpse of leopard print shoes from underneath the stall door. Will Dina give Teresa her last tampon and be doomed to pads all day? What will happen if her feminine protection fails her in the burlesque room?!).
Finally twinsanity appears – they don’t get out much – party buses are the newest thing like this is 1999. They too have their periods. Dina says the twins are growing on her – like tumors?
In Atlantic City, Nicole Napolitano gushes that her job as a “luxury jet broker” scored this luscious presidential suite – everyone else is like meh. Teresa is all Bitch – I’ve stolen hotel rooms better than this and put them in my third floor master for the dawg. Cause I’m afrait of dawgs. More tampon problems are discussed – everyone is worried they’ll have a leak.
The TMI gets worse! Over dinner Amber gets wild with the shotskis and tries to force Melissa to get her Lookers on and Drink Bitch! Apparently Melissa isn’t fun (duh!) because she won’t drink. Teresa is used to Juicy drinking allllll the alcohol so she’s not sure what to do with this abundance. Drunk Amber starts telling everyone about role playing with The Jim – she has to pretend to be another person. The twins warn Amber that seven years is the divorce curse – they each divorced at 7 years. Their divorces had nothing at all to do with them being as annoying as hell? And never shutting up?
Teresa tawks about growing up with Juicy – her mamma warned her he was bad news. And 15 months should serve as a nice reminder! Speaking of Joew he’s at home with the girls. Which consists of Milania eating raw hamburger meat while Gia and Gabriella roll their eyes in disgust. “You’re cute!” Joew tells Milania, who poses Honey Boo Boo style and purrs, “I’m peeeerrrfect!” Gia better get CPS on speed dial for when Teresa is locked up!
After dinner Joew makes popcorn and they find dog poop behind the couch. Who cares – whaddya gonna do?! Not clean it up! “Gimme popcorn you old troll!” Teresa says Milania is “high maintenance” and she’s not strict like her mother was, but she love love loves her dawters and tells them everyday. When Teresa heads to the slammer Milania needs a spinoff called Milania In Charge.
Back in the AC, the ladies get some burlesque lessons and put on a performance to see who is the sexiest. Teresssa Aprea believes Melissa is gonna be so awesome at this since she used to be a stripper. Except Amber was the one with the Lookers goods! She was rolling around the stage, nip-slippin’, and sucking her fingers – luckily we didn’t see any tampon strings!
The following day the fun wears off. Getting ready for dinner the twins take FOR-EV-ER. Instead of telling everyone they’re running late, they fuss with the hair dryer, blowing themselves with the cool setting (hot flashes or hot tempered Italians?!). They finally emerge, apparently expecting a cheering audience like this is My Super Sweet 16, everyone is already downstairs playing blackjack.
The twins are pissed. Especially Teressssssa! She blames Amber because Amber is apparently super responsible for everyone not waiting. Teresssa sqwaks at Amber about how horrible she is until Amber leaves to play shots. “Go pull that handle like it’s Jim’s little thing!” Teresssa snaps. #classy Melissa tells everyone to shut up – she’s concentrating on counting to 21 because Lord knows she and Poison need the money!
I just wanna talk about Nicole’s crop top obsession. Has she EVER met a crop top she didn’t like?! Girl, you’re about 15 years too old for that shit! She has Kim Kardashian-Itis.
Later in the hotel room Teressssssa, clearly drunk, wants to know everyone’s first impressions of each other. She thought Dina was the “ice princess.” Dina says the twins and their constantly on display tits overwhelmed her so she was reserved. Teressssa whines that someone had to make up for all the “boring” people. Furthermore, her tits aren’t always out – only when she’s out in public! I want to see Dunkin’ Donut security footage – I bet Teresssa and Nicole always show tits! That’s what the twins do – they tawk constantly and shove their inflata-boobs in our faces.
Amber and Teresssa get into it because Amber is a bossy know-it-all. Amber says Teresssa makes her want to flex her mouth muscle. Teresssa is rude, tacky, and classless. She is hateful to everyone. PMS or personality?
The next day Amber teaches a workout to show off her Masters in Exercise Physiology. Dina is not into it because she’s got Low Zen from all the bad juju on this trip (it’s the twins fault! Their tits carry bad vibes). Nicole believes Dina’s laziness means she’ll be single forever. Welp, better single than stuck with a made for TV boyfriend like Bathroom Bawby!
Speaking of which, apparently there was a time when Jim, Amber, Nicole, and Bawby were for real friends. Nicole gushed about Amber being fun; Amber raved about Nicole and Bawby’s perfect relationship. Way back when, before hair pulling, before Hurricane Jim, the foursome all went out to dinner where Bawby explained that he’s the authority on what’s sexy. Crop tops? My my, how reality TV changes things!
Teresa meets Kathy Wakile for lunch and drags Dina along to chaperone. Kathy asks a favor from Teresa: she wants Teresa to write a blurb for the back of her new cookbook. Teresa pauses for a second, repeats the word “Blurb” slowly than plops a massive dictionary down on the table and reads the definition of “blurb” aloud.
Teresa tells Kathy, Look bitch – you haven’t tawked to me in nine months now here youse come askin’ for a favor, like me gettin’ your ass on this show wasn’t favor enuf! Furthermore, you gave me a dictionary for Christmas, so that implies you think I can’t use English language. Why would you want a blurb from me? Oh and my ghostwriter can’t do it cause she’s busy writing my tell-all.’
Teresa tells us, “How do you spell bitch? K-A-T-H-Y.”
Kathy insists the dictionary was a joke – and Teresa is defensive about everything. “I just want to let you know, I was hurt by it. And… I don’t want anything takin’ me down,” Teresa explains. Kathy wants Teresa to support her, as she has done for her (when?). Teresa doesn’t feel comfortable writing the blurb. “Teresa put the dick in dictionary,” Kathy seethes in the confessional.
Teresa is done – she doesn’t want no more scrubs sittin’ in the passenger side of her reality TV ride. She’s already forgiven Melissa so her stone cold heart is closed. Gotta say – I’m team Tre on this one. Especially since Kathy put the betrayal in fambly when she filmed herself reacting to Teresa’s sentence!
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
TELL US – WAS THE LOST FOOTAGE BETTER THAN THE SEASON? SHOULD TERESA HAVE WRITTEN THE BLURB FOR KATHY?