kevin jonas and geraldo rivera at odds

Last night we got back-to-back episodes of Celebrity Apprentice, which meant double-whammy eliminations. As always, this recap contains spoilers so don’t read if you don’t want the goods!

In the first challenge the ladies are down two players – one because Keshia Knight Pulliam was fired in the previous challenge, and another because Kenya Moore was being dragged across the stage at the Real Housewives Of Atlanta reunion. Donald Trump refers to it as a “prior commitment.” Something like that! 

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The first challenge is to create a commercial for Neat – a virtual storage system that scans documents and uploads them into a cloud to eliminate paper. The Neat execs want the commercial to feature the new cloud system, and explain the data can be obtained virtually from a multitude of devices. The teams are to create slogans as well. 

Working at a disadvantage, the ladies are forced to persevere and soldier on, a situation made even worse when Kate Gosselin steps up as the Project Manager in a task for which she is wholly and utterly useless.

On the men’s team Kevin Jonas is still desperate to out-bitch the Mighty Stache of Geraldo Rivera. Geraldo, who refers to himself in third-person as “Geraldo” and compares himself to the mighty inescapable dominating presence of Mt Rushmore, will not be trifled with by the likes of an aging boyband star! Apparently Geraldo thinks he should just be PM for every challenge. Maybe he can assume different personas: red mustache next week, blonde the following, in an attempt to confuse Mr. Trump. It worked with Somali Pirates in the Age of Aquarius! 

Geraldo, not to be confused with “hero,” which is what he considers himself to be. First he will single-handedly lead every, single, one of the men’s tasks to victory with his rapier wit, outstanding grasp of all concepts (besides the concept of his own irrelevance) and the power bestowed upon him as Lord of the Stache. Kevin wants Geraldo to know who is boss. He hitches up his bigboy pants, and allocates Geraldo to the time-out loser van, meanwhile he instructs his acolytes Ian Ziering and Lorezo Lamas, (aka “The Braintrust”) to follow him.

Geraldo is miffed that he has been left out and Kevin is protected by his henchmen, one of them wearing a threatening side-ways baseball hat in the style of 1987 thugs, which reminds Geraldo of an experience he had evading thieves in the pyramids of Beirut where he was forced to defend himself with only a BIC pen and a large vocabulary of Q-without-U Scrabble words. Not to be confused with the time Geraldo had warring gang members on his talk show and he was forced to utilize Jedi Mindtricks and Kung-fu to subdue the gnarly situation. But what does Kevin Who-nas know, that neophyte?! Does he think he can oust Geraldo with that paltry scare tactic? The answer: NO. 

Geraldo pesters Kevin with ideas to throw him off his game, repeatedly suggesting the slogan, “Neat. Sweet.” Kevin is rankled, and his hair starts to frizz. 

During the executive meeting, Geraldo paced around the room talking loudly and animatedly into his cellphone, while Kevin repeatedly tried to command control by saying “Geraldo” over and over. Yes, “Geraldo” is Geraldo’s favorite word in the human vernacular, but he could not be swayed from the pressing matter of his hair being too pouffy for his Celebrity Apprentice bio photo, necessitating the lengthy urgent phone call. All a ruse, naturally! #JediMindTricks

“Excuse me,” Geraldo said suavely, hanging up mid-meeting and interrupting Kevin’s concept explanation, “There was an urgent hostage situation happening at Dunkin Donuts – someone was refusing to relinquish the jelly-filled cruellers and they needed Geraldo’s expertise in the matter. Now where were we? As director, script engineer, voice over impresario, and executive producer of this commercial,  might I suggest putting Geraldo in the lead role  – Geraldo is fabulous – as an an organized expert on organization who loves Neat Systems for saving lives during war correspondence and talk shows debates. Geraldo what do you think? Geraldo loves it!” It was genius.

lorenzo lamas directs gilbert gottfried on celebrity apprentice

A befuddled Kevin assigns Geraldo the task of writing the script, Lorenzo will direct, Gilbert will star as Gilbert, the rest of the men wander around aimlessly gaping at Geraldo. 

Geraldo later throws a bitchfit when he learns Mike Rowe of Dirty Jobs will do the VO in the commercial. Lorenzo escorts Geraldo to sofa to console him, but Geraldo is not subdued. He rants that Geraldo’s voice is instantly recognizable. Later Geraldo yells at Kevin for cutting him out of important strategy sessions. Geraldo needs to sit Geraldo’s ass down and take a Xanax. I’m sure Brandi can hook Geraldo up

Kate leads the women team in much the way she led Jon into divorce and her kids into seething resentment. She micromanages, she snaps and degrades, she gives them crazy-hate eyes, she threatens, and passive-aggressively bitchsnipes. Brandi Glanville is not having it. 

Other problems include that Kate simply cannot grasp the concept of what Neat does – even after, as Leeza Gibbons suggested, she read the description on the website. Kate is completely clueless about clouds or TV production despite her umpteen years on reality TV. Leeza commands control and immediately comes up with a concept with Vivica A. Fox as a “Neatologist” saving a disorganized woman. 

leeza gibbons takes control of kate gosselin

Kate keeps complaining that she needs a visual, not understanding that, as project manager, that is what she’s supposed to develop and create. She and Brandi bicker about who is “panicky,” then Kate snaps that Brandi can’t handle pressure. Brandi, wearing her fashion glasses to look smart, explains huffily, that Kate is not a businesswoman. She makes money from yelling at her kids on TV. Which may or may not be better than making money by getting drunk and yelling vulgar insults at Housewives on TV. I really can’t decide. 

Brandi also complains that Kate ate lunch. Apparently eating is not allowed on CA! At the very end, Kenya breezed through the door, icepack adhered to her head with her Miss WHO-S-A crown, and asked what she missed. 

Thanks to Leeza the commercial is a success and the executives choose the women’s team as the winners. The men are stupefied – except for Geraldo who knows if they had listened to Geraldo, they would have won. Kevin, Ian, and Lorezo all band together to call Geraldo out as the weakest link. Geraldo argues that they were dismissive of his contributions.

Kevin, in a surprising move, brings Ian and Geraldo to the boardroom. Ian because he wants a partner to double-team Geraldo into being fired. Stupidly, Kevin eagerly admits this plan to Donald, who does not like being manipulated. Since Ian is competent and smart, and Geraldo is dastardly and good TV, Kevin is fired. He cries. “Damn you Geraldo!” he bellows from the top of Trump Tower, immediately worrying if someone from Disney heard him curse. 

The second challenge is to create a bistro for luxury Lean Cuisine-style company Luvo, which is hoping to get their products on Delta Airlines or something, as if people still eat food on domestic flights. Do they? I’ve never. The teams have to create a slogan, then present a bistro-style tasting to executives and diners. If it made no sense to you, you are not alone. Tired of being manhandled by incompetents, Vivica immediately asserts herself as PM. Geraldo suggests Geraldo, and is wearing a blue stache today, but Terrell Owens, who has been mute for the past 2 episodes, volunteers. He knows about eating healthy, right?! Terrell looks good in glasses, by the way. 

vivica a. fox rules with an iron fist

While Terrell has many talents (and baby mamas) those talents do not include controlling Geraldo. Multiplied by the fact that he is unable to control Gilbert. Vivica, on the other hand, rules like an ironfisted drill sergeant, blasts through the brainstorming and immediately delegates tasks. She even manages to momentarily appease Kenya by allowing her to resurrect her beauty queen schtick for the challenge. The concept is this: “Love yourself. Love Luvo.” They will have Kenya as a former pageant girl, Jamie Anderson as an athlete directed by trainer Vivica, and the other girls as flight attendants serving the food and explaining that healthy eaters love the taste.

The men each pick a dish to write a bit about why they enjoy it. Ian insists on trying to make “Steamazing” happen to describe some steamed veggie mush. Ian – no. Geraldo attempts to make Geraldo happen by putting his photo on a package of Chimichangas and giving it the Geraldo Seal of Geraldo’s Approval. Terrell attempts to get a word in edgewise, but even borrowing Brandi’s smart-look fashion glasses can’t get people to listen to him. Geraldo is steamazing at at steamrolling right over TO’s authority. 

johnny damon for celebrity apprentice Luvo challenge

Their slogan had something to do with healthy eating helping you live long, the executives found it misleading. I think Geraldo came up with it? 

On the ladies’ team Shawn Johnson had a female problem and made the mistake of confiding in Vivica that she had cramps and was zoning out. Vivica is pissed and announced she would not forget Shawn’s personal issues interfering with her performance. She decided Shawn was using PMS as an excuse to slack off. We all know Brandi wouldn’t let that stop her! 

Putting the girls to work, Vivica sends Kate and Shawn out on shopping errands to get bistro supplies for staging. Meanwhile the men write their scripts and on the advice of Geraldo get Luvo t-shirts for the presentation. Gilbert keeps trying to make his script fat jokes and inappropriate humor. It seemed like he was self-sabotaging, probably because he could take no more of Geraldo’s ego squeezing all the air out of the room. 

Kate and Shawn spend 6.5 hours perusing the dish collection at Pier One. Kate has 8 kids – she doesn’t get out much to leisurely shop. Unfortunately she’s doing it on Vivica’s time. Shawn, bravely, shopped through her pain.

When they returned, there is no time for a dress rehearsal in the frenzied time crunch. Shawn sits around because – cramps – as Vivica barks orders. Kenya side-eyes the disorganization and quips that a run-through is a necessity. As a producer/director/writer/and reality TV superstar, she knows these things. I agree with Kenya – they should have done a practice run. 

The next day the men’s presentation goes well, despite the insertion of “steamazing,” until they get to Gilbert, whose sex comedy bit bombs. Thinking about Gilbert naked is unappetizing. Terrell knows he’s been defeated.

Kenya Moore for Luvo performance on Celebrity Apprentice

The ladies have a cute presentation, but backstage there were technical difficulties with THE MICROWAVE! Kate and Shawn did not heat up the next round of courses while the current round was served. Panic ensues. Kenya, wearing full Miss. WHO-S-A regalia, snatches a tray of food from Jamie, snapping that she’s not dressed appropriately to serve. Jamie is dressed in sports attire because she was previously doing an exercise skit for the judges. 

Jamie is furious at Kenya’s rudeness. “Haven’t you seen Oprah? Have a little bit of respect!” she seethes. Kenya apologizes, but Jamie feels it’s insincere and won’t accept. Kenya was remarkably restrained in not going full-scale Twirl. 

In the boardroom, the men blame Geraldo and Gilbert for their issues. The exes really didn’t like Gilbert’s humor, the slogan, or Geraldo.

Vivica’s agenda is to blame SHAWN’S FEMALE PROBLEMS for their disorganization. She told Donald that Shawn slacked-off because she “had her damn period!” Donald asks Shawn “what happened?” Apparently someone (DONALD!) skipped 8th grade health class. Ivanka refuses to meet his eye.

vivica a. fox reveals shawn's female problems to donald trump

Kenya goes on a tangent about how women rule the world – period – no pun intended, to which Jamie interjects that they don’t have to do so RUDELY. Kenya cuts-off Jamie, attempting to explain that she’s not rude by being rude. Jamie, reality TV novice, over-reacted to Kenya’s slight, but Kenya will never forget, just as Vivica will never forget Shawn’s lady problems interfered with her directives. The eyes – they’re watching you. 

In the end it didn’t matter, Terrell lost and looked so dejected. I have soft spot for ol’ TO. I blame it on his disastrous Dr. Phil appearance and the money issues. And that TO always looks a little lost in life. He brings Geraldo to the boardroom because why not, Geraldo will never be fired, and Gilbert. Gilbert doesn’t really defend himself, so he is fired for not taking the challenge seriously and offending the executives.

gilbert gottfried is fired on celebrity apprentice

Outside the boardroom Shawn yells at Vivica for telling Mr. Trump she had her period, Vivica pretend it was an innocent mistake. #NeverForget. 

TELL US – DID KEVIN MAKE AN EGREGIOUS MISTAKE TRYING TO FORCE THE DONALD’S HAND? WAS VIVICA OUT OF LINE FOR MENTIONING SHAWN’S FEMALE PROBLEMS?

[Photo Credits: NBC]

 

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