Do I have to rehash the deluded behaviors of Brandi Glanville and Kim Richards cause I don’t wanna! I do want to talk about Lisa Rinna‘s “Double-Standard Dance” which needs to become a Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills standard. Like, whenever someone is being a hypocritical bitch (aka all the dagone time) just jump up and start wriggling and twisting and gun finger-pointing double-standard dancing. Their faces don’t move so they’ve gotta do something to convey their disgust.
I recant… Eileen Davidson‘s face moves. I’ll add that to my long list of things I love about Eileen. Also, she can drop a read so thick with shade a bitch won’t be able to see the sun for days. Eileen and Phaedra Parks need to start conducting seminars.
Andy asks Eileen what she was thinking joining RHOBH and she is like uhhhh… well, my life is great, my job is great, I just won an Emmy, and I wanted “a different type of drama” – well she got it! She also got wine thrown in her face and called a beast. Which – let me tell you – Eileen’s “How dare you!” rebuttal to KimKillah over the beast comment was my favorite moment of this season. It was so… Dynasty.
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WineToss was discussed, the origins of which come from Brandi decreeing herself the “Scorned Women Police” (don’t quit your day job, whatever that may be!). Eileen was shocked to learn that Brandi’s true motivation was her belief that Eileen is a homewrecker and after she lobbed that accusation at Eileen on RHOBH Vince’s ex-wife got phone calls from tabloids and Eileen had to address the situation with her children. However her relationship with Vince’s ex is great and they all get along.
Lisa R. interjects to ask Brandi why she says and does such hurtful things that seem so unwarranted. Which launches into deciphering the many contradictions of Boozdi! She’s basically a kiss and a slap all rolled into one (both deployed liberally with alcohol), depending on whether you’re a hot 23-year-old boy or a hot 54-year-old wealthy woman she’s emotionally stalking.
Brandi is so deep in wine-entrenched puddle of denial she doesn’t even see how her behavior differs from the women’s. She is the most fast, loose, and gnarly with the cruelty, but becomes furious and venomous over every perceived slight, taking it to a level so far removed from the issue it takes on a vitriolic villainous life of its own. At the center of it all is her harrowing tale of victim-hood: Eddie cheated and left her broke, the other women are mean and judge her and are hypocrites, editing makes her look like a drunk, a whore, a bad friend, no one understands that she’s a good mother…
Brandi exists in a world absent of self-awareness. For instance, she’s screams at Lisa for a joke about using Brandi for inspiration in a “trashy mom” role, which Brandi sees as Lipsa hurting her children. How, exactly? How many of Brandi’s accusations have legitimately hurt others children? Does she not understand outing Adrienne’s surrogacy, accusing Lisa Vanderpump of having an affair, calling Eileen a home-wrecker, saying Mauricio is cheating on Kyle Richards, or making disgusting comments about Yolanda Foster‘s ex-husband having an affair with Joanna Krupa (or calling Bella an alcoholic) hurts other people’s children?! She doesn’t see that calling her children’s step-mother a drug addict anorexic in interviews or writing books about how Eddie gave her an STD hurts her children? She is constantly singing the empty refrain of, “I’m a good mom!” but lamenting that no one believes her… well prove it!
Instead, when Lisa tries to make this point to Brandi, and explain it was a joke based on the way Brandi dresses (wearing a hoochie mini dress to parent-teacher conferences) Brand shrieks, “You’ve had the same hair-do for 20 years!” Lipsa may have had the same hair-d0 for 20 years, but Brandi has had the same maturity level for 30 years! Then Lisa leapt-up into the double-standard dance and conveyed her fury in a language Boozdi speaks fluently: flipping the middle finger! I would love to see Lipsa in a Kim Zolciak wig).
“You can’t do something, then apologize, and it’s supposed to go away,” articulates LVP. “It doesn’t work like that!” Well it does when you’re TWELVE mentally (and 65 plastic-surgeried) “Brandi does whatever she f–king wants! Then she goes, ‘I’m sorry…’ and we’re supposed to forgive her and pretend it never happened!”
Brandi argues that Lisa forgave Kyle, except yes – Kyle was a shitty friend but she didn’t besmirch Lisa’s business, marriage, or financial standing for the sake of a petty feud. Therein lies the difference. Brandi wonders if Lisa is selling her house because that would explain why Kyle wants to be friends again. Kyle is self-absorbed and a user – she wanted back in the fans good graces and knew Lisa was the easy way to do it – but she’s not cruel. We still see through her – and Mauricio has some ocean-front property in Palm Desert he’s hoping LVP and Ken will buy…
“You’re the moral compass of the show?!” Eileen snapped to Brandi. “You’re not judgmental? We’re all supposed to follow your examples!?” Eileen challenges Brandi to behave with dignity in her divorce and you know, getting along for the sake of her children. But you know, then Brandi wouldn’t have a career. Unlike Eileen. Who also owns a home, even if it is American Psycho chic, which is better than American Wasted Chick (and 1-800-RAC, repo’d with wine stains) or a string (see what I did there…) of evictions…
Eileen also owns a Ford Flex! LVP has never heard of this thing called “Ford…” but KimKillah jerks to life at the mention of the word, rumbling how she does. not. need. Betty FORD – she is soberling!
Haha – let’s talk Kim’s sobriety! I said “ha-ha” because it’s a total joke. I don’t even need to delve into the rambling Kimscuses of KimKillah’s super-sonic most sober life where Kingsley and a life-sized photo of Danny Bonaduce are her sober coaches. Kim is as sober as the Wizard Of Oz. While she’s skipping down the yellow brick road on technicolor visions of the time she ate caviar out of ruby slippers at Burt Reynold’s house, she should ask the wizard for a memory. Because Kim’s got eaten by a flying monkey named Kingsley circa 1986, but that’s Kyle’s fault because she hasn’t been storing it in the cryogenic freezer, which was in basement of the house Kyle STOLE from Kim! Neither Kim nor Brandi can remember a single negative thing they’ve said or done on RHOBH.
Is that why Kim was in the hospital for 5, no 8, no 9, n0 2, no 7 days – to get her brain reattached? You guys Kim is S-O-B-E-R – the “s” stands for sober and the “R” stands for “Really!” I don’t even know what language Kim is speaking – is it Werepuppy? Trash Priestess? – I mean, I need subtitles. Rosetta Stone: KimKillah. She just rambles on and on, ignoring all logic, and alternately blaming Lipsa and Kyle.
Lisa recounts Kim’s behavior on the night of poker night. She showed up at Lisa’s house being “really loud and aggressive” which turned into “an hour in a car with Kim behaving like a crazy person.”
Kim was in pain “for weeks” and took a pill at Monty’s behest, which she didn’t realize would affect her so negatively – and she doesn’t consider it a relapse ’cause duh – she’s KIMPERFECT! It’s actually all Kyle’s fault – Kyle tried to make her stay at Eileen’s and eat pizza so she would be embarrassed on TV. Kyle should have taken her outside to talk, but instead she tried to take her into the bathroom. None of which happened, if you recall, which Kim WHO IS SOBER, doesn’t! Kyle says she just wanted Kim to eat to sober-up, but Kim insists Kyle wanted Kim to have to face the wrath of the other ladies.
Lisa tries to correct Kim’s lies, but Kim just accuses Lipsa of being obsessed with her and directs her to “Go eat!” and fill her mouth with food, not Kim’s name. Yeah – Lipsa! Have a piece of pizza! Just not the one Brandi threw at Kyle on Eileen’s porch! “I’ve worked hard for my sobriety and I’m not going to let YOU destroy it,” KimKillah growls at Lisa starting to gnaw at Brandi’s weave. “It’s your behavior that destroys it. Own it baby!” replies Lipsa.
Lisa reminds everyone her concern for Kim’s “sobriety” stemmed from the “really grown-up conversation” she had with Brandi. The conversation in which Brandi smirkily denies bringing up Kim’s name first. And cue the flashback clip of BRANDI being the one who starts discussing Kim’s sobriety to deflect from her own drinking. Kim just completely ignores how Brandi was the one who threw her beloved sobriety under the bus!
Because Kim just loves Brandi, because “Brandi’s Brandi” and we should all just love her like the loveable squishable werepuppy she is! Kim just does Brandi’s laundry, shooing Kingsley away from chewing her arm off while she’s passed out behind the FatBurger truck.
In Amsterdam Kim snapped because Lipsa “again” tried to talk about her sobriety. However Lisa reminds us that Kim was actually going around the table issuing insults, then made an assignation against the mythical badness that Harry has done, “And I blew my f–king top!” So what exactly did Harry do… did he steal Kim’s house?! Did he wash her whites with a pair of red Chanel socks and ruin the Hermes dryer?! Did Harry break the LemonCopter and strand them all to drink MasterCleanse for a month? Did Harry break-up with Kingsley? What did Harry do?! Kim insists Lisa knows… Lipsa insists she doesn’t. “Tell us!” she commands. Kim has “heard” he had an affair. From places… She imagined this, clearly, just like she imagined she’s sober and Brandi is a good friend. Or she could also claim Kyle told her that, which is Brandi’s favorite excuse.
Lipsa freaked out because she’s a “fiercely protective mama of her family” and admits her reaction was “horrible.” Brandi immediately compares to being villainized for throwing “a couple tablespoons of liquid” in Eileen’s face, when Lipsa threw a glass. Brandi thinks Lisa needs anger management, “It’s called assault and battery, bitch!” she shrieks. And all of Brandi’s lies are called “slander, bitch!” The other women point out that Lipsa was provoked.
Of course ultimately it’s all Kyle’s fault and Kim is furious Kyle didn’t defend her, like KATHY would have; giving Kim all the “sister support” she needs. Kyle disagrees, but Kim insists Kathy has seen it and is appalled by KYLE’s behavior of fleeing in her Little Black HairCape while leaving Kim to defend herself against the SheWolves masked in designer clothing. “My what big boobs you have, menopause mamas,” Kim said desperately trying to decipher foe from friend. “My what pointy pumps you have menopause mamas,” Kim bleated.
“I couldn’t defend you,” sniffles Kyle starting to kry, reaching for her hair as a tissue, “You’re just mean!” Kyle reminds Kim that she didn’t offer “sister support” while Brandi was saying horrible things about how Kyle neglects Kim, or about Mauricio. “I don’t want a part of this,” shrieky-whines Boozdi. “I have my own life!”
But Brandi has helped create a wedge between the sisters, yet Kim blames “Mouth” (aka Lipsa) for “interrupting.” Kyle and Kim both feel mistreated by the other and don’t know how to move forward. Kim seems victorious, even flippant and glad to escape the clutches of Kyle, but Kyle is saddened because of their children. Kim’s emotional manipulations and meanness haven’t abated – in fact Kim dis-invited Kyle to her daughter’s wedding, and while Kyle tries real tears, Kim sits there sulkily as the plastic shell of her emotions shudder and creak but don’t absorb. Kyle says Kim is trying to take her children away – to poison their relationship with their aunt, “You’re so f–king mean!” she bellows while Kim rigidly denies it.
And next week, KimKillah turns her vicious cyclonic eye onto Kyle as the sisters erupt.
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[Photo Credits: Bravo]