The Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion has left a bad taste in my mouth. Right after I wrote this I ate like 16 pieces of Halloween candy. Itâs my version of cleansing.
The highlight from Part 3, if you could call it that, was Vicki Gunvalson finally admitting she doesnât believe Brooks Ayers has cancer. She âcoveredâ for him all season because she did believe him until very recently. The other highlight was that no one screamed in decibels so shrill Andyâs dog howled backstage. Briana describes Vickiâs uncannily calm demeanor as being âin a state of shockâ over how much of her life Vicki has messed up over Brooks. Or the five half a Xanax she took.Â
The low points: Everything else. Including Meghan King Edmondsâ hair â why must it look like a Kim Z Generation 1 wig? The more I look at it, the more I see bad imitation senatorâs wife.Â
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This was the segment of the reunion promised to be âEPICâ and Vicki was effectively skewered, then held over an orange-scented Yankee Candle. Did she deserve it? Yes. It was still odd how personally the women took every comment â as if Brooks lying about cancer impacts their lives; as if any of them actually care about Vicki. Do they deserve to be outraged over the perpetuation of a lie? Yes. But their outrage seemed hollow.Â
I mostly fail to understand why Meghan is the most invested in the outrage. (Donât give me Leeann died and a part of Meghan died with her only to be resurrected as the worldâs #coolestStepMom). It was disturbing watching Meghan attempt to squeeze fake tears out of her eyes when she, yet again, bemoaned how no one understands how horrible it was for Me-Me-Meghan to deal with Leeann dying of cancer. The ladies of the Real Housewives Of Orange County need to realize that TEARS contain liquid.
Then I realized Meghan assumes everyoneâs tragedies as her own if she wants them. Meaning Vicki admitting she was in an abusive relationship was an inconvenient truth and a tragedy Meghan doesnât want â yet â so itâs worthless and denigrated. Â
Vicki was (and is) a tragic mess. Way more of a mess than I thought possible. SEEK THERAPY.Â
There were some pretty scandalous revelations made, however. The biggest being that Brooks has tried this cancer grift numerous times, and Vicki was aware of previous attempts, yet she still âbelievedâ that this time he was really sick! MmmmmmâŚ. yeahâŚ.  *side eye*. Vickiâs belief suspended from seeing Brooks be âsick, sick, sickâ (or as she said, âsix, six, six!â â satan is confusing), and itâs hard to fake that. Maybe it was ipecac. Or tequila. (Or Vickiâs determination to make Brooks into the honest and loving man he is not.)Â
Tamra Judge spilled â as Tamra is wont to do because Jesus turns water into wine, then Tamra sloshes it all over everyoneâs Louboutinâs with a witchâs cackle â that Vicki actually LEFT Donn to take care of Brooks, who claimed he was dying of pancreatic cancer. Naturally that turned out to be UNTRUE â he just had pancreatitis.Â
We say pancreatitis, Brooks says pancreatic cancer. You say SayTON, we say satan. Vicki says fabricated, everyone else says lied. Potato/Potaaato.Â
Vicki never actually saw Brooks get chemo â she sat in the waiting room for one 4-hour treatment.Â
Then, another time, while Heather Dubrow was filming one of her split-second guest appearances on a now-canceled sitcom as the worldâs most successful nonworking actress, Vicki confided to Tamra that Brooks had just been diagnosed with cancer and was going for a test. When a hysterical Vicki tried repeatedly to call him, Brooks didnât answer, then refused to speak to Vicki in front of Tamra. Vicki confided to Tamra that Brooks was probably lying about having cancer. Those are some pretty damn big red flags. LIKE â WTF Vicki?! No wonder Tamra despised him.
Thereâs more! Heather investigated one of Brooksâ so-called doctors â because investigating Brooksâ doctors is like the only extracurricular activity in Orange County â and the doctor revealed Brooks isnât his patient. Maybe Heather got him confused with a person who plays a doctor on TVâŚÂ
Then Shannon Beador whipped out a real PET-CT scan that Meghan typed up for her based on GoogleImages from Newport Imaging to confirm that the one Brooks splashed all over Bravo was faker than the undying love he has for Vicki. Itâs hard to argue with the facts that Brooksâ scan actually looked like something Ferris Bueller would produce to get an excused absence from school.
Brooks even revealed a new tale about the time he had nose cancer! Which is why his baby mama dumped him. Nose cancer!? At this point Brooks has had cancer on every part of his body⌠except his dick. Go figure! He needs that Love Tank filler.
But seriously, dude, itâs probably time to come up with a new illness. Maybe Alzheimerâs? agoraphobia? Meghanaphobia â Jim has it! JesusDelusiona â thatâs when you actually believe people will believe you have found the Lord while gyrating with a strap on and habitually lying (VICKI AND TAMRA).
Oh, speaking of, according to Meghan Vicki is going to hell. Meghan is the authority on Jesus now â watch out Tamra! Donât worry, according to Vicki sheâs going to heaven. Sheâs redeemed. And born again, and re-baptized for the 14th time. Hallelujah! Jesus is NOT A LOOFAH PEOPLE. You canât just go hopping in the Holiday Inn pool wearing a cheap caftan every time you do a horrible thing and expect that poof! It disappears. In Vickiâs case she did a horrible thing for several years and then her love tank got so filled with lies she started to believe said lies were reality. Maybe Vicki can just mount herself on the cross and be Jesus in the Macyâs Thanksgiving Parade? Or get baptized next season once Tamra has found satan again.Â
To combat all of Brooksâ sketchy points Vicki doesnât have much to say for herself except to shrug, and utter, âI was duped.â As unpopular an opinion as it may be I donât think Vicki was an active participant in Brooksâ scheme. I think she wanted to believe it so badly she convinced herself it was true. I think she was so desperate to feel love and to believe she hadnât sacrificed everything â Donn, reputation, friendships, family, respect, money, fame, love â for nothing.
As Briana suggested, Vicki refused to allow herself to consider that Brooks was lying. Briana also says Vicki is afraid of him. Tamra thinks Brooks âhas somethingâ on Vicki and presses her to admit what.Â
Eventually Vicki admits she âfabricatedâ stories about Brooksâ health because she wanted some compassion; she wanted her friends and family to rally around her and support her relationship. And she wanted Tater Tot Pie delivered as a by-product of that compassion. Which hey, I mean, Tater Tot Pie is super good! Instead the only thing Vicki got was a bunch of grief and some soggy affirmations reminiscent of undercooked high school cafeteria tater tots. Nobody gives you Tater Tot Pie for dating a loser!Â
Finally Vicki acknowledges that she doesnât know if Brooks has cancer or not, but her gut tells her he doesnât. This is a new revelation. Perhaps she did an at-home colonic and just like all the other shit, the truth finally came out? Or perhaps she really did discover that Brooks was a lying sack of shit who decided to relabel his IBS as pancreatic cancer. One thing Iâll agree with Brooks over is when he told Meghan to fâk off. Iâm sure that statement also hurt Hayley, so SO much.Â
Vicki also uttered that she âcovered a lotâ for Brooks. Is she admitting she KNEW he was lying? Or was that part of being duped? What does it all mean?! STOP SYING WORDS THAT EFFECTIVELY SAY NOTHING!Â
Vicki started to question Brooks when he became more and more evasive. With all the ladies coming down on her, she kept begging him to show his records, yet he refused. Vicki apparently DID make him that book of all his medical information, which she asked him to produce and he got defensive becoming more and more distant and accusing her of not supporting him. He resorted to threats. In response Vicki begged the women repeatedly to stop asking. Yes, it was deflection. Eventually Vicki just stopped pestering Brooks for information.Â
Vicki should have been confronted, but it was handled all wrong by her so-called friends. Instead they decided Brooks was the only thing worth discussing in Orange County. Remind me never to move there!Â
Shannon flips out because it wasnât OK for them to ask about seeing Brooksâ records, but it was OK for Vicki to ask him for them. OK Shannon â seriously? VICKI was Brooksâ live-in girlfriend, whereas Shannon and the rest of the ladies barely know him. Thereâs a difference between your longtime girlfriend asking to be privy to your personal information and health records, vs. your girlfriendâs reality television co-stars.  Thatâs a really stupid argument.
Of course, 2 seconds later Shannon started ranting over Vicki telling Ronda, her brotherâs girlfriend, wh0 BARELY KNOWS SHANNON about Davidâs affair.  Which was SO WRONG and a violation of Shannonâs privacy! So Shannon is allowed to see Brooksâ medical records, but Ronda isnât allowed to know about the affair Shannon and Heather and Tamra were broadcasting all over Orange County? Shannonâs information is private, but no one elseâs is.Â
Shannon yells that she supported Vicki tirelessly, standing by while she âmade an ass of herselfâ (tis true and also likewise), but now their friendship is dead. Shannon doesnât believe she did anything to further speculation about Brooksâ cancer and didnât have time to bring casseroles in between stalking Davidâs mistress and conducting due-diligence about the safe places to dine in Orange County. (Hooters is on the non-mistressed list).Â
In the midst of all this Briana reveals that Brooks was abusive to Vicki, definitely emotionally and verbally, and in all likelihood physically too. He isolated Vicki from friends and family, manipulated her, Â threatened her, and made her afraid. I believe Briana. Instead of showing compassion for Vickiâs situation or empathizing Meghan shrieks, âBut you still lied!â Duh â thatâs the issue: WHY would Vicki lie? Oh Me-Me-Meghan. Only Meghan is allowed to use cancer to further her own gains, no one else can. She can sell Hayley up shit creek for a storyline but then no one else is allowed to mention Hayleyâs name without genuflecting at her feet.Â
Briana once witnessed Brooks shake Vicki so hard her head was flopping back in forth (Maybe her insanity can be chalked up to Shaken Vicki Syndrome?). âSo imagine whatâs happening when no oneâs around,â Briana states. Very true. Regardless of what anyone thinks about Vicki, I think itâs extremely clear this relationship was supremely unhealthy, probably abusive, and disturbingly toxic. That none of Vickiâs so-called friends believed compassion was more important than making accusations and seeking the truth speaks volumes.Â
The women on this show purport themselves to be such great and supportive friends to each other when theyâre all â every single last one of them â TERRIBLE friends!
After all this damage, Vicki swears sheâs done with Brooks and will never go back. So maybe all the pestering paid off â literally â in eradicating Brooks from Vickiâs life.  Vicki is sorry for the people she hurt and hopes to make amends for hurting everyone. Briana is happy to have her mom back.
Shannon canât forgive. Tamra and Vicki have a heart-to-heart about how Tamra always knew Brooks was bad for her. It seemed sincere, but now Tamra hates Vicki. The rest of the ladies still want more answers and according to Heather arenât satisfied with the ones they received. Funny â I feel like this is the most weâve gotten out of Vicki, like, ever!Â
Meghan loved this season and felt it was really positive (which speaks volumes). She begs Andy to return. He gives her a half-smile with an evil glint in his eye. Meghan looks on edge and nervous every time Heather mentions her. Very curious.
Andy turns to Tamra, who explains she purposefully mispronounces the word âpastorâ because it sounds like Mexican Pork, or what Eddie serves her for dinner in the bathtub. She prefers to use âpastureâ to describe the person who preaches on the YouTube videos she watches once a month when she canât sleep. Jesus saves.Â
In the end there was no resolution, except Vicki admitting what we all figured â at some point she had doubts about Brooks. âIâm relieved Iâm not with this man anymore,â insists Vicki. âIâve got a lot of pieces to pick up.â
While in away cathartic Vickiâs admissions donât absolve the guilt of all involved: Vicki for perpetuating a horrendous, despicable lie â even if she did so out of fear and love. Tamra for betraying a friend. Shannon for allowing herself to be complicit in the betrayal of a friend because of a desire to be accepted. Heather for turning a blind eye. And Meghan for stalking a woman she barely knows, invading privacy, and also using actual tragedy â Hayley and Leeannâs â for reality TV fame. What a season.Â
TELL US â WHAT IS YOUR REACTION TO VICKIâS REVEALS AND THE SEASON ENDING? WILL VICKIÂ GET BACK TOGETHER WITH BROOKS?
Photo Credit: Bravo TV