Coming off my post-Christmas slump to deal with Real Housewives Of Atlanta makes me a bit cranky. Now I don’t know about y’all but I really don’t care if Phaedra Parks owes Todd Tucker money. I’d rather talk about Kandi Burruss rocking the h-e-double-hockeysticks out of over-the-knee sequined boots at 6 months pregnant. And I’d also like to discuss Kenya Moore‘s latest fake-a-date.
Kenya and Marlo Hampton hit the gym because this is totally 2000 and that’s where you meet men. Or cows. But not poopers. They’re playing with balls when James walks over to flirt with Kenya. James checks some of Kenya’s boxes: Tall, handsome, fit – but he’s too young and is but a mere personal trainer. They have a totally awkward, phony flirtation that results in a date. I was distracted by James smiling with his lip over his teeth and was waiting for them to expose scary teeth. But they weren’t scary at all.
Later Kenya and James meet to play basketball. Kenya wears a baby blue outfit to send subliminal hints that say, “Sperm donor.” Kenya isn’t sure if she wants a second date with James because he’s too young (and seriously this date was more awkward than one of those stupid male model photoshoots they always force upon America’s Next Top Model contestants), but she’d totally turkey baste him in an alley, y’all!
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Speaking of sperm donors, the best thing that came from Phaedra’s marriage to Apollo Nida are
pickle photo shoots Ayden and Dylan. I quite agree. Those two are beyond adorable and so sweet. Apollo’s friend – and former prison co-hort Bun – visits to check in. Bun is a barber, right? Did I make that up?
Bun brings the boys custom-airbrushed Chuck Taylors and tries to remind Phaedra of Apollo’s good qualities before accepting that basically, yeah, he was a terrible huzzzzband. Bun still talks to Apollo, who claims Ayden and Dylan never call. Phaedra denies this by insisting Ayden emails Apollo regularly (Ayden can email unattended?!). Phaedra hopes this stint in prison actually teaches Apollo a lesson.
It’s Ayden’s first day of kindergarten, and sadly Apollo is missing this milestone. After putting on his little bowtie, Phaedra drives him to school. Phaedra cries about her baby growing up. “But I’ll always be your baby,” Ayden reminds her. Then they pray together. Phaedra lets Jesus take the wheel which is the only way I can explain how she manages to praise the savior, ask for grace, and hold Ayden’s hand in the backseat while keeping that car on the road.
Phaedra crying about Ayden is the most real I’ve ever seen her. Let’s keep it that way. Let the Parks Facade crack occasionally; let the tears flow in the River Denial.
Swimming against the current in the River Denial is Cynthia Bailey. Peachter sent her some yellow roses – yellow roses totally mean friendship by the way – then surprises her by coming home from Charlotte for a romantic date strolling through the park. Lest you get your Downton Abbey sensibilities about how sweet and bucolic it all is, let me remind you this is Peachter, Peachter Cheater! Also A) he arranged this date before. B) This version was worse because he forced Cynthia to eat cheddar on Ritz Crackers, spilled wine and had a “local artist” sketch caricatures of them. I didn’t know Cynthia looked like a Mrs. Potato Head? Honestly, Kenya’s date was the same level of awkward.
However Porsha Williams possibly found a connection with Oliver, the guy she met in Miami. Since all of Porsha’s relationships end up reduced to Skype Sex, she’s at it again. This time with more success. She wears her most casual back-less, cut to the butt, full-cleavage “house dress” for a cozy chat about her booty. She questions Oliver about where their relationship is going, but the connection starts to fizzle. Porsha worries it may be a sign. Porsha does realize How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days Or Less is supposed to be a cautionary tale, not words to live by?
Kandi is in her second trimester, and even though her OBGYN Don Juan, who doubles as her manny and Mama Joyce stand-in, warns that her pregnancy is high risk due to her advanced maternal age, she’s working with Demetria McKinney on the song “Unnecessary Trouble” with accompanying music video. Is this Peachter’s theme song?
First, Demetria is gorgeous, but that white crop-top is a no. Why was she wearing Kenya’s workout gear to a business meeting? Second, Don Juan needs to remain seated on Roger Bobb‘s sofa for all eternity and zip-it. Like I want to hear Kim Z‘s un-autotuned singing about as much as I want to hear Don Juan lecturing Kandi about her mature pregnancy age. Kandi can speak for herself – at least in matters of business!
Kandi admits to apprehensions about working with a friend after her experiences with Kim Z and Phaedra resulted in disaster, but Demetria actually had her manager (Roger Bobb – say that 3 times fast) orchestrate the entire thing, so I guess that makes it like for-real professional.
The music video for “Unnecessary Trouble” necessitates that Kandi not look pregnant, so they dress her in a variety of clothes to conceal her bump. Sadly, they mostly make her look chubby. Especially when contrasted to Demetria’s wardrobe.
However, Kandi is an amazing performer – despite wearing a diaphanous mumu from the Kyle Richards Kaftan Kollection, with over-the-knee sequin boots and a sizeable baby bump! Phaedra and Porsha visit Kandi on set, because apparently everything is peachy-keen between Kandi and Phaedra now. Except for Kandi and Todd constantly talking shit behind Phaedra’s back about the money she owes him.
Low and behold, here comes Todd riding his hoverboard. He’s too cool to walk? Or support his wife. He stares at his phone during Kandi’s video shoot and doesn’t bother to watch. Maybe there’s a reason Don Juan is also always hover boarding over Kandi.
Kandi and Demetria throw a party for the video release – which Demetria promises will go better than last time. Last time when there was no sound after the video tape was popped into the VHS but the loudspeakers weren’t connecting to the TVs, high school auditorium-style!
Kim wears leather shorts with over-the-knee boots which Kenya describes as looking like a Disney World hooker. It is the happiest place on earth! However I’m pretty sure even the hookers look like princesses at Disney. And not low-budget land-versions of Ursula the Sea Witch. Kenya is just salty with Kim after Kim called her out for being a trouble maker.
Kenya wears bright, bright red. Cynthia helpfully offers Kim some “shades” from her eyewear collection, which Kim mistakes to mean Cythia is being shady. Kim get a Bravo Dictionary already or quit pretending you don’t know what shade is. Although I understand playing dumb over wanting some Cynthia Bailey Eyewear. Oh, also Peachter was there since this was a star-studded event and he wanted to canoodle with Roger Bobb.
When the Demetria’s away, the Bobb will play!
Todd is annoyed that Phaedra is attending and whines about the money. Todd gripes to Peachter about how everything will be fine once Phaedra cuts him that check. Poor Christopher (Kim’s husband) is forced to sit with them and feign interest in their litany of complaints. Christopher stared off into space wondering how he got roped into women’s business. “I am but a husband,” he thought. “A mere house-husband. I have no interest in being a Housewife. Real or otherwise. Can I just go back to my wife’s Disney hooker shorts and listen to some music?”
In her introduction to the video premiere Kandi makes a thinly-veiled comment about the difficulty of working with friends except for recording with Demetria. Phaedra absorbs that reference as directed towards her.
The video is cute, Kandi’s bump-disguise was wonky, and ultimate compliment: Porsha loves the song – even though she can’t remember how it goes and may be confusing it with “The Boy Is Mine” or “Tardy For The Party” or the theme from Wicked…
Phaedra leaves along with Porsha, and Shamea Morton, who is basically the shady condiment of this group. She’s just tagging along to add an extra helping of secret gossipy trouble sauce. On her way out Phaedra congratulates Kandi then asks Todd to “stop by” her office to discuss their business matters. Todd wonders if Kandi put Phaedra up this because Kandi is his loan shark when she’s not playing pregnant Real Housewife and Grammy-Award winning music producer.
Kandi and Todd are both shocked yet elated that Phaedra finally acknowledged the money situation. Then, in what was seriously so fake and staged, Phaedra, Porsha, and Shamea stand on the balcony to talk about how foolish Todd is being about this whole thing, especially when Phaedra never even released the baby workout video! Now I think they had some fair points – Todd never mentioned it until years later when he sent Kandi to do his bidding. However, c’mon no Housewife would be such a gossip amateur to have that convo in plain sight of Kandi’s event.
I gotta hand it to Phaedra, though, she let Porsha do the majority of the shit-talking. Coincidentally Don Juan, hoverboarding nearby as Kandi’s henchman, overhears their gossip and marches over to confront them. Good lord – Don Juan is extra-fried krispy and needs some Moore Hair Care to quench his thirst and defrizz that shit. He even attempts the Marlo–Sheree high pitched bird squeaking sounds from ‘The Africa Argument’!
Phaedra, all faux-dignified, gathers her Chanel purse and announces she has things to do. More important things to do than fraternize with her friend’s employee. Porsha follows Phaedra’s lead – wisely – and declares that Don Juan‘s tampon is stuck, plus his pink panties are in a wad. Conundrum! Don Juan insists he was just defending Kandi.
Don Juan – take your hemorrhoids and go home. Your mature sympathetic pregnancy hormones are acting up. Todd hoverboard away with him.
TELL US – DON JUAN: NEEDS TO MIND HIS OWN BUSINESS OR IS A GOOD FRIEND? SHOULD PHAEDRA PAY TODD OR SHOULD TODD GET OVER IT?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]