Real Housewives of Atlanta recap

Love and regret were in the air on Real Housewives Of Atlanta! Kenya Moore was getting ‘Come to Jesus’ talks from everyone (and their wayward sisters), but she came correct with apologies. But, not without a few bad deeds first. We’ll await to see if the bad deeds or the ‘I’m sawrries’ were sincere! 

At the wrap party for Cynthia Bailey‘s ‘mercial (is she being charged extra for the ‘com’ part in the word ‘commercial’?), Super-Awesome Person Sheree Whitfield is at it again! After 8 seasons of living lies, She By SheBroke has had enough fakeness and lets Kim Fields know they were gossiping about Chris‘ sexuality. After a round shocked facial expressions, Porsha Williams points to Kenya as the one who spread the rumor. Sheree admits she, Porsha, and Phaedra Parks Googled Chris, and gay rumors are out there. Kim claims she’s never heard them, at least not from under the rock where she’s been living. 

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Kenya decides to confront Kim as if all the rumors are fact and pushes Kim to confess, but Kim’s rock-dwelling has taught her to be stone-faced and accustomed to shade. “I don’t think any of us care either way, if your husband is gay, or you’re having tax problems, or any other type problems…” says Kenya. “You portray like everything is perfect when it’s not really perfect, so… We just want the real Kim Fields to show up.” The real Kim Fields is unavailable for comment. Instead of Kenya’s ‘truthing’ breaking down walls, Kim built them higher. Call her the Great Wall Of Kimna. 

“I just wish Kenya would show Kim a little more respect,” sighs Cynthia. “Or just respectfully leave her alone.” Cynthia is finally seeing that Krayonce side of Kenya everyone warned her about. She does not like it! She wishes security could escort Kenya’s messy demons off the premises, and is relieved she never had Kenya sign that Friend Contract which she packed in her bag before the trip! 

Kim does not address rumors about Chris

NeNe Leakes, flaunting her newfound moral superiority like it’s a Birkin, is disappointed rumors about Chris are being spread. Think of the children! NeNe having ethics regarding gossip? Mmmmkay… Kenya, meanwhile, is frustrated she’s become the cheese that stands alone as none of the women will fess-up to also gossiping about Kim and Chris behind their backs. So Kim walks away. 

With Kim gone, Krayonce attempts to convince the ladies to admit their guilt over participating in gossip, but everyone think she’s gone too far. “I get the feeling these girls feel bad about what they’ve said and done, except for Kenya feeling like I’m some sort of target for her,” espouses Kim‘s delusion

The next day, Kim meets NeNe and Phaedra for brunch. NeNe has some sort of braided Barbie hair wrapped around her forehead like a sweatband, meanwhile Phaedra is dressed like a Miss 4th Of July swimsuit competition circa 1955. Kim is dressed as Kim in a neon-colored mumu with accompanying explosion of frizz. 

NeNe and Phaedra encourage Kim to confront Kenya. They both know from experience what it’s like to be on the receiving end of her twirl. Phaedra compares Kenya to a rattlesnake that needs cutting off at the head, not the tail. I’m sure right about now Kenya is composing a blog in which she calls Phaedra out for threatening her life. 

To teach Kim how to deal with Krayonce, NeNe and Phaedra take her to ‘Read School,’ which features Phaedra role playing Kenya, and NeNe in an Emmy-nominated performance of ‘Kim’. 

Kim Fields goes to 'Read School'

NeNe, as Kim, lectures Kenya that they have Jesus. Jesus does not suffer fools who claim, via Phaedra playing ‘Keyonce,’ to be “black Hollywood royalty” on the backs of two straight-to-DVD movies. Kim laughed hysterically. 

Back in her room Kim calls Chris to let him know he’s popular with the ladies. Chris has apparently been living the lyrics of Kim Zolciak‘s little-known single, “Google Me,” because he advises his wife that once you’ve been ‘Googled’ you’ve gotten their attention. He suggests Kim do a little Google-vestigating of her own, but Kim would “rather play grown” than dirty. Kim elects to put her revenge in God’s hands, preaching new testament, 11th Commandment – “Thou shalt not come for one, lest thee want read of Biblical proportions.” Kim, Proverbs 2016. If Kenya decides to get messy with Kim again, then she’ll have to consider cutting Kenya off at the “beeeep.” Kim keeps it old-skool! She’s so much more fun and relaxed around Chris – and they do seem really in sync. 

With the entire trip crashing down around them Peter planned a hike through some waterfalls. You know what they say: “Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls!”Waterfalls on RHOA

Swapping their Louboutins for aqua shoes, the group relies on team work to climb the slippery rocks. Knowing everyone is annoyed with her, Kenya decides if you can’t join ’em, beat ’em. She races up the falls with Matt, bragging that she’s the only one really in shape. Up top she does a victory dance, celebrating to an audience of her own ego-addled personalities. “Everything’s not a competition,” chides Cynthia. “This actually could’ve been a bonding experience.” And we all know Kenya needs some of that!

The rest of the group held hands, sang Kumbaya, and made a pact to love each other in thickness and in svelte, poverty and in wealth. At the top they celebrated success. Together.

Porsha Williams does nature

And Porsha, well, she decided the falls were nature’s stage for her best natural assets and starts twerking. I wished for a flash flood to knock her on her ass. 

In the 6 months she wasn’t filing Real Housewives Of Atlanta, NeNe apparently earned a counseling license and decides Kim’s refusal to confront Kenya is affecting the group. S’cuse me, but didn’t NeNe join this group about 6 seconds ago? Her woven braidband must be squeezing her brain. Now NeNe has gone from running from Dr. Jeff to channeling him. 

Over dinner of jerk chicken with a ganja chaser, NeNe hosts her group therapy session. Unfortunately the weed did little to mellow anyone out, although it did give Cynthia a backbone. Maybe she borrowed it from the chicken? The guys split from the women to talk relationships, the crazy that is Krayonce, and who loves her (Answers: Matt and Peachter). 

Opening the ladies’ auxiliary peer mediation session, NeNe requests Kim begin by leading them in a pre-konfrontation prayer. Satan loves confusion! “Kim – put the bible down, and put some stank up,” directs NeNe. Lessons learned: women in the church give the best reads. From the pulpit. 

Initially Kim can’t speak for herself, so NeNe supplies the words that Kim is confused over why there are issues with Kenya

Kim confronts Kenya

Saying her peace, Kim did not read Kenya; she laid her cards on the table like an adult and suggested either “cordial communication” or none at all, because Kim will have no more of Kenya’s disrespect towards her or her family. Kenya rolled her eyes and pouted, cause this is the kiddie table, then complained that Kim is condescending. Shockingly Cynthia redirected Kenya to cut her tone.

Kenya claims to be “indifferent” to Kim – which is why she is always talking about her, mouthing off to her, imagining slights, and starting shit over these imagined slights. The Lord will be your therapist, girl, seek him. Basically Kenya’s rebuttal made no sense. “I’m not a punk,” Kenya insists. “You’re not gonna come for me time and time again because I didn’t come for you.” She tried, Kim refused to engage. Ergo KIM is the one who’s not a punk! 

Kenya responds to Kim

Kenya really has delusional thinking because even CYNTHIA pointed out that Kim isn’t shady with Kenya! Kenya cannot conduct herself like a grown up. She plays in the sandbox, throwing sand in people’s eyes, then congratulates herself for winning. If they should ever dare to throw sand back, Kenya throws a big ole’ tantrum and tattles. Someone needs a kindergarten Common Core breakdown on playing well with others! 

I dunno what happened, but Cynthia turned into a real life woman with a voice instead of some controlled CynthiaBot. Maybe she short-circuited in the falls? After Kenya’s passive-aggressive non-addressment of her disrespect towards Kim, Cynthia reminded Kenya that it’s her behavior which creates conflict! “When you start going in folks’ faces, that’s when things really escalate and could go physical,” asserts Cynthia. “I think you were out of line and owe Kim an apology.” 

Shockingly Kenya did apologize – even if it was followed by a “justification”. She and Kim agreed to move forward without disrespect. 

An aside: Can we talk about Kenya’s enormous collection of claw clips on this trip? Girl has one in every color like it’s 2004! 

Other than discussing how horrible they are to each other, Porsha reveals she really enjoys spending time with Oliver, who mellows her out. He enjoys her juicy assets as well. (I like them together!). 

Aunt Bertha is not feeling the OLG restaurant

In Atlanta, Kandi Burruss and Todd are testing potential chefs for the OLG restaurant. Despite the chef serving fried chicken french toast (WHA….?!?!) Aunt Bertha is not convinced but ultimately agrees to be part of the restaurant. The ribs persuaded her. Yay?

At the hotel, Cynthia, Sheree, and NeNe get ice cream where Cynthia seeks guidance for her issues with Kenya. She astutely figured out that Kenya’s hatred of Kim is about her. Let’s be real: it’s about the ‘mercial. Kenya felt her friendship status should have guaranteed she was director no matter what. 

Cynthia whips out a list of complaints about Kenya. I’m pretty sure Cynthia actually WROTE OUT them out on the back of the friendship contract she’d planned to give Kenya, her non-BFF, before NeNe showed up and Cynthia got squeamish about expressing her love. Cynthia reads her talking-points aloud to Dr. NeNe, because NeNe is channeling Iyanla, who hopefully can fix Cynthia’s life (wasn’t NeNe Reverse-Iyanla last season and the reason for everything that was wrong in Cynthia’s life, from Peachter being distant to her lack of time management?).

“I don’t agree with how Kenya has been acting, but I do know that she likes Cynthia; she wants to be in Cynthia’s life, but Kenya’s doing a lot of things that are wrong,” purports NeNe. She sends Kenya a bill for $5000 payable to the charity of her choice. 

Mostly Cynthia is upset about the ‘mercial, because Kenya paddle-boated to Cuba instead of posing in Cynthia Bailey Eyewear. “I felt she tried to take that moment from me,” admits Cynthia. She By SheBroke agrees Cynthia needs to be honest with Kenya. Did Iyanla once try to fix Sheree and Bob?

On the last day of the trip, Kenya and Matt go play in the water park, while Cynthia confirms her backbone is still present and didn’t get thrown in the trash with Peter’s empty Red Stripe bottles. She collects herself, her bangle bracelets, and her list to prepare for the final dinner party. 

Since Peter is the king of Jamaica or something, everyone thanks him profusely for Jamaica. Even Phaedra, who is really lonely for male attention, is wooed by Peter’s efforts – and his Papa Smurf colored suit! Phaedra and Porsha observe that Cynthia and Peachter have their sparkle back. “This is the Peter Thomas that I fell in love with,” confesses Cynthia. The Peachter lavishly spending someone else’s money, who has no responsibilities and parties all day? 

Phaedra survived her first solo couples trip. And Kenya survived her first bonafide couple couples trip! She and Matt arrive late to dinner, flushed and happy. Even Phaedra admits they seem good together and hopes their relationship works. That’s where the good times end!

Cynthia addresses her issues with Kenya

Under the table Cynthia squeezes her list and wishes for courage, then she lets Kenya know how disappointed she was by her dismissive treatment of the ‘mercial, which was a super-special moment for Cynthia, but Kenya chose paddle boating instead. 

Kenya complains that it was actually supposed to be her commercial – Life Twirls On Round 2 – but Cynthia cut her out in favor of some like professional bitch with a bad blonde beehive. Somehow NeNe is implicated for allegedly stealing ‘mercial thunder, prompting NeNe to deliver a spiel warning all these thirsty heifers that she will ALWAYS BE THERE [like the threat of plague] LOOMING over them. LOOMING, y’all, looming! BLOOP.

Bravely soldiering on, Cynthia explains friendship responsibility to Kenya. Which means sometimes doing things you don’t want to do out of love and obligation. I think Cynthia has ‘friendship’ confused with ‘parenthood’. 

Kenya apologizes to Cynthia

Kenya interprets the message, however. She admits her feelings were hurt by Cynthia, but then squeezes out a sincere-sounding apology for not being a good friend. Cynthia blushingly accepts and it’s all happy-happy-joy-joy. But not for Phaedra – she doesn’t think Kenya was being real at all, just “more bad acting.” 

In other news, Bob is trying to back into Sheree’s good graces and therefore her pants. He pines for her. Sheree is on a ‘Let’s wait and see if you’ve got seven-figures’ basis. 

TELL US – DO YOU THINK KENYA’S APOLOGIES TO KIM AND CYNTHIA WERE SINCERE? ARE YOU SURPRISED CYNTHIA CONFRONTED KENYA? IS NENE A GOOD THERAPIST? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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