RHOBH in Dubai

You guys Lisa Rinna has to talk about something. She reallyreallyreallyreally has to get something off her chest, clear the air, and discuss this reallyreallyreally important thing that’s been weighing heavily on her and like bothering her lately and she just really has to put it out there and like f–king own it. So the ladies of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills flew across the world to deal with the diarrhea of Lipsa’s giant lips. 

But seriously – what the hell was going on last night?! They’re in Dubai, so it’s already another world, but this quickly became Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Except in this case, it’s actually all of us falling down the giant gaping hole of Lipsa’s mouth, which is directly linked her to her giant gaping makes no sense (OMG WHY IS ERIKA GIRARDI‘S BRAID A GIANT CATERPILLAR EATING HER HEAD IN THE DESERT) thought process. I’d blame hookahs, but um… well she brought the crazy with her from California. I hope it isn’t catching. Like Lyme! 

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Here’s the thing: OF COURSE everyone with half a brain was doubting Yolanda Foster‘s Lyme disease and snarking her sick-selfies, but Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump were mostly discussing it off camera. Lipsa is the person who said it ON CAMERA, but now she regrets it. She’s not a scapegoat, she’s just the ultra-sparkly domino that falls the whole bunch. The greatest irony is viewers (and most of the women) support her calling out Yolanda’s crazy phony, but no one supports her destroying her friendship with LVP and Kyle over the nonsense!

I’d also like you guys to know I told Brandi to put the tabloids in the suitcase. So there, we solved that mystery, but I ain’t copping to manipulating Lipsa into Housen-Mousen. Oh wait…

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So, the ladies are in Dubai, and while the fashions and scenery are breathtaking, everything else is one long, exasperated sigh. Kyle and LVP go swim with sea lions, which was very cute, especially when Kyle wore this big hoopla of a fringed bikini top and couldn’t get her wet suit on, so Lisa had to goose her crotch to help her yank it up. Lisa was smitten by the sea lion, and imagined it leaping over the swans at Villa Rosa, which gave her an idea, which distracted her from the Machiavellian plotting of Eileen Davidson and Lipsa. And WHO is the manipulator now?! 

Meanwhile, Eileen and Erika drew the short stick and got stuck at the aquarium, even though Eileen is literally living in it already. I realize this was a stroke of genius, because giving them something boring to do, gave them ample opportunity to talk about Yolanda and Lipsa. Erika is perplexed that Lipsa used the word “enraged” to describe Yo’s lunchen-munchen picture with Brandi and Kim. Eileen explains Lipsa was frustrated and used the wrong word. Erika wonders if Lipsa likes Yolanda. Rhetorical question, right? 

Lipsa and Kathryn Edwards drew the ‘GET FACIALS’ card, which means they can’t talk much, which is a relief to them and me. 

Afterwards, Eileen visits Lipsa in her room to, once again, complain that she hasn’t confronted LVP about being manipulative. Even Lipsa is exhausted. She’s all like, ‘Look, because we’re friends I rangy-ranted to you and exaggerated a bit, but now I’m over it and I want to just have nice vacation, and get along with LVP because we are friends even though she annoyed me. It’s over. I’m done dealing. Also you’re trying to project your issues with her onto me. Oh, and Yolanda is still a bitch. BTW: Great earrings. Can we go have fun?’ Seriously the irony of Exhausting Eileen demanding Lipsa confront LVP about being manipulative is not lost me. You? 

Finally, it’s time to explore Dubai. Erika has deployed her glam squad to turn her eyes into what happens when people cross-breed with raccoons in a failed DNA experiment done on Cartoon Network. And her hair is braided into Mohawk. Immediately the women’s heads are wrapped in giant scarves, however, so the hair was for naught. 

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Then WHHHEEEE! They’re off with LVP purring coquettishly to the driver until he is drinking camel milk out of her hands. 

After Jeeping, the ladies learn some falconing, which requires drinking champagne while resting on carpets laid out in the dessert, then doing a photo shoot. I assume falcons enjoy bubbly?

Finally, they are treated to an Arabian Nights dinner in the dessert. There, they are introduced to camel milk tea, which, much like spam, is delicious if you have no idea what you’re consuming. Even more upsetting, the dinner portion included camel meat stew. LVP refuses to try it. Pumpy will not eat “Humpy.” 

Erika was all about the camels though – she had camel toe and camelbutt wedgie. A traditional dancer preforms and Kyle is delighted to see Asa Soltan Rahmati The Persian Pop Priestess her hair-flipping, mumu-loving spirt animal.

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Lipsa then makes a bungled attempted to confront LVP through one of her “I’ve got to get something off my chest” side chats, but instead, ends up in a tense discussion with Erika about why they don’t like each other. Which leads to Lipsa admitting that she judged her gyrating Painkillr video as raunchy porn. Who wouldn’t?!

Erika wonders if Lipsa even likes Yolanda. “That’s an interesting question…” Lipsa answers. “I wish you would open up more,” she adds. After learning that Lipsa has not been drinking the Lyme-Flavored Kool-Aid, Erika announces that she has no plans to extend her friendship whip to Lipsa. 

With her turban still attached, while the other ladies are enjoying hookah, Lipsa decides she must talk to LVP right. now. That too does not go as planned. Lipsa’s new outrage is over another manipulation-by-proxy Munchausen incident. Apparently, after she spilled the beans about Munchausen at Villa Rosa, LVP walked her outside and suggested she also blame Kyle. LVP denies it all, of course, claiming Lipsa twisted her words or misunderstood. 

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Lipsa is exhausting, needs a hobby, a detox for her Yolanda addiction, and to get a grip. Seriously, we’re bored; we don’t care.  

While Lipsa is experiencing psychological break from fun, Kyle is in heaven. In Dubai, hair flips are the national dance move and mumus are the national fashion. If splits become the national symbol of socialites, she may never leave again!

The next day is shopping at the souk. You may think spending money frivolously while playing Sex And The City would reinvigorate these women and make them forget their petty squabbling – au contraire it was but a temporary reprieve!

I must say, I am loving Erika’s collection of satin PJs from the Auntie Maime collection. 

The ladies are awash with glee as they purchase caftans, slippers, and all manners of tourist trapper-y at exorbitant prices. Eileen discovers she is an expert haggler, likely because she can nag anyone into just accepting her price to make her stop badgering them over 50 cents or whatever the Dirham equivalent is. Meanwhile, poor Kathryn tries on a kaftan and discovers a roach inside. See Kyle – a kaftan’s ability to hide things is a double-edged sword. We’ve been warning you for years.

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It’s Kathryn’s birthday the next day, so Erika surprises her with a little trinket, because surprisingly they’ve become friendly. Erika is now generously offering to sic her glam squad onto Kathryn. When Erika proffers her gay accessories, I think that’s like the ultimate sign she considers you worthy. 

After shopping, Erika, Eileen, and LVP take naps, while Lipsa enjoys destroys a late lunch with Kyle and Kathryn. Immediately, Lipsa “has to put something out there that’s on her mind.” That something is ‘outing,’ purely benevolently, that LVP threw Kyle under the bus during the Munchausen thing, and now it is Lipsa’s duty, as a friend, to report to Kyle all the horrendous ways LVP has been using her, because as you know Kyle’s head is reallyreallyreally far up LVP’s diamond-studded ass. I personally call LVP’s tactic “karma.” Just me? 

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Instead of reacting accordingly, Kyle shocks Lipsa further by admitting she KNEW what Lisa was up to! She even warned LVP that she’d be taking her down too. Furthermore she doesn’t care since they’re friends, and that immediately squashed the attempt. 

Lipsa is flabbergasted and disgusted because now she has proof LVP lied to her, and even worse, changed the story to Kyle.  None of this makes any sense to Lipsa, who wonders why Kyle is defending LVP? 

Lipsa and Eileen, again, meet to discuss The Problem Of LVP. This time Lipsa has an epiphany. The epiphany being that Eileen, Erika, and Yolanda are correct: LVP is a manipulative wench and must be exposed and confronted. Lipsa is tired of being LVP and Kyle’s scapegoat, willingly being the one standing alone questioning Yolanda’s illness. The time has come to really air allllll the dirty laundry from Villa Rosa. 

Scapegoat? Ummmmm… seems to me Lipsa is the one actually STARTING rumors, but in order to avoid ‘owning’ the consequences is trying to cover her own ass by claiming others are putting her up to starting said rumors! 

Eileen quite agrees that LVP has skated-by being evasive for too long and the time is now for LVP to take some accountability, so Lipsa must get honest, if not for herself, then for Eileen. WHY IS EILEEN OBSESSED WITH LIPSA confronting LVP? Is it because Eileen has an issue with LVP but wants Lipsa to have one as well so Eileen has some external backbone?

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“I’m not going down alone – they’re all going down with me,” Lipsa warns. She’s suddenly deduced that LVP dislikes Yolanda and has therefore used her to ‘destroy’ Yolanda. Ummm… I think it’s the OTHER way around: Yolanda dislikes LVP and has used Erika and Eileen to plot against LVP. Which worked. Maybe Yo called LVP’s bluff and played the game better, but Lipsa should stand by her initially thought that Yolanda is the Wicked Manipulative Wench From The Windmill. Instead Eileen has now been victorious in convincing her otherwise! 

Lipsa is using this trip as a nonstop therapeutic exercise in over-sharing. It’s not performance art, it’s performance therapy, because as soon as they sit down to a fabulous beach-front dinner, and are joined by Kathryn and Erika, Lipsa starts mainlining vodka and confiding in Erika. 

Lipsa rattles on about the manipulations of LVP, the lie she caught her in, and the truth that must be coerced from her. Erika knows this plot ain’t gonna work, but she’s here for watching the games play out. Naturally, as soon as Lipsa confesses to doubting LVP, Erika wants to be friends. Is that bitch in a transparent caftan or what? 

Meanwhile, Kyle and LVP are casually walking to dinner and WHAT IN THE HELL WAS KYLE WEARING?! A WWF wrestling belt as a corset? I’m pretty sure that belongs inside the dress – or possibly inside a museum on medieval torture devices for insufferable hair flippers. 

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When they arrive at the table, the air of awkwardness is palpable. Everyone greets Kyle, but stares icily at LVP. Before appetizers are even served Lipsa starts confessing she must get something off her chest and that something is that LVP is a mother f–king liar and it’s more obviously ugly than whatever the hell Kyle has strapped to the front of her dress. Lipsa tries to corner LVP about “rewriting the story” implicating Kyle in the Munchausen.

Kyle defends LVP – she doesn’t care. Like at all, she just wants to drink her wine after a two-day dry spell and eat some food not made from camels or their boob milk. She has way, way bigger things to worry about (KIM! KATHY!) and LVP is a good friend where it counts. Kyle, admits that yes, LVP did mention her name all those many months ago during pony petting at Villa Rosa, but why in the hell is anyone ruining their amazing vacation over it?  

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Erika, for all her disliking and distrusting of LVP, quite agrees. She just wants to have fun. “I look too good to be fighting on the beach,” she quips. But the bell of war has rung, so Eileen jumps in to back Lipsa, who has now decided Kyle and LVP are teamed up against her, because LVP is forcing Kyle to do her bidding and Kyle takes it because she is so desperate to be LVP’s friend. It’s like now Lipsa is implying that Lisa and Kyle have an abusive relationship. This woman needs a hobby – that hobby should not include watching Lifetime movies.

Naturally, Eileen starts ranting about how LVP did not give her a real apology after the affair conversation in The Hamptons. Really?! Again?! Kathryn tries to appease the situation, but it’s all for naught. I hope she and Erika sat at the end of the table, enjoying cocktails and talking caftans, but no, I’m sure Erika was taking copious notes to report to her Master that all of Yolanda’s plans have worked and the spiderweb was closing in around LVP, eating her alive. 

LVP tries to leave, but Kyle convinces her to stay and confront the situation. Is anyone else confused about what exactly is even going on here, and what exactly LVP supposedly did? I need Cliff Notes for Lipsa’s crazy. 

TELL US – WHAT THE HELL? IS LVP CAUGHT IN A LIE? SHOULD SHE OWN UP TO IT?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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