Ramona & Luann

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: Tales From The Crypt

On last night’s Real Housewives Of New York, the woes of thy vagina continued. Also Luann de Lesseps wonders why these bitches won’t be happy that she’s madly in love! It seems Luann answered her own question there, and the operative word is “bitches” – those bitches can’t be happy for her, because they’re bitches.  OK, OK… that’s not entirely true, and more on this later… I know you cannot wait for my rambling musings on the many contrary behaviors of Housewives. 

But first, Bethenny Frankel has taken a break from randomly bleeding all over Manhattan to launch Skinnygirl Chocolate. She decides to “go bold” by wearing a bright red wig, which considering what’s going on south of Bethenny’s equator, I dunno… maybe a little too close for comfort? Or maybe Bethenny wanted the drapes to match the curtains?

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Bethenny Red Wig

Bethenny also got her makeup applied by Human Ken Doll’s more fair twin – who gleefully announced he had recently celebrated his inner Skinnygirl by getting his fat frozen, so noooooo he will not be sampling his clients, ugh – dessert it-tems. How gauche – chocolate, in a wrapper! 

Bethenny has only invited her close, real friends, like Carole Radziwill, to the launch of Skinnygirl Chocolate. She shares this right after she touted how supportive and kind Ramona Singer has been throughout her vagina ordeal. Apparently, Ramona is a good enough friend to read in Bethenny’s living room, but not a good enough friend to warrant a promotional opportunity. Dorinda Medley also didn’t make the cut.

Speaking of cut, Jules Wainstein visits her plastic surgeon to reconstruct her “pistachio.” This whole scene made my stomach churn so we’re done there. 

Ramona's Macrame

Ramona and Sonja Morgan are upping their dating game with a “youthening” dance lesson. Sonja wore workout-ish gear, while Ramona rocked a macrame swimsuit cover-up. I must know where she purchases all this macrame? Does she own a crochet company on Etsy? Stock in a macrame factory in the Phillippines, which Mario obviously did not get in the divorce? Is she simply very frugal and repurposing the 1975 hanging plant slings from Sonja’s basement into garments she feels represent kitschy beach/active wear? One might think with the brassieres she wears to cover her self-proclaimed “large nipples,” Ramona would shy away from macrame? Ramona’s logic has more holes than macrame, and maybe they are just fashion soulmates.

Honestly, what I do think is that Ramona is stuck in a time-warp. A time-warp where she is Chrissy from Three’s Company and this explains all the stuffs – from the lucite heels, to the macrame, to the diaphragm. 

Also, Ramona and Sonja dance like extras in a small-town musical of The Hunch Back Of Notre Dame, however they really handled that Mashed Potato hustle like pros! 

Also, one more point on Ramona’s style – her new weave looks like hair from a Madame Alexander doll. If I were gonna make a porcelain Ramona to sell on QVC at 2 am, I’d so have her wearing a macrame mini dress, a Ramona Blue bikini, and swinging a pinot bottle. I might also throw in some heavily bedazzled sapphire choker necklace. Who’s buying?!

Ramona & Sonja Dance

Anyway, after shuffling around the dance floor in preparation for their cougar vacation to a Palm Beach retirement community, Ramona gloats that Luann is the nu-Sonja, hence she’s been axed from their friend group for being too self-absorbed. Also Luann’s ‘love story’ appears more doomed than Hubble and Katie’s. Sonja is like, I hear what you’re saying, and by jove that is a lovely movie featuring a young Robert Redford – who by the way, I once partied with in Morocco aboard a Getty’s yacht and then we took things beeeeelow deck – but anyway, we should be supportive as Luann’s friends, even if we see red flags. Ramona is uncertain about the definition of this “friend” concept, so she heads home to bust out her thesaurus. 

At that moment, the poor dance instructor was regretting every decision she ever made since it led her to Ramonja

Bethenny continues her vagina chronologe by showing her bloody maxi pads to every Jewish doctor in Manhattan because Jill Zarin her friends from Boca told her to. Carole is forced to ride shotgun – I suppose that’s the price you pay for an exclusive invite to the Skinnygirl chocolate launch. Thankfully, Carole left her Grimmace gloves at home, or wherever one leaves their McDonald’s costumes on their days off.

Bethenny -doctor

Carole warns Bethenny against “doctor shopping,” because she’ll always find someone willing to tell her what she wants to hear (See: Foster, Yolanda; Gunvalson, Vicki), but Bethenny is too scared of making a living will, which leaves Bryn to Jason, to go through with surgery, so she’s canceling the whole damn thing and visiting an internist who specializes in female problems. The lady prescribes Bethenny progesterone and then wonders if her wife Carole can help administer it. 

Feeling better, and now appearing a color other than ghostly white, Bethenny hosts a ‘My surgery is canceled!’ celebration inviting Dorinda, Ramona, and Carole over for some SKINNYGIRL TEA (BARF) and bashing Luann. Cause, duh. Does Bethenny have a wood burning fireplace in her apartment? Does she really padlock her closet when Ramona shows up? Maybe that padlock was leftover from when she was co-faux-habitating with Jason? Also, Keurig tea? But if it saves Ramona from having diarrhea in Bethenny’s bathroom, which has clearly suffered enough, so be it! 

Ramona gossips about Luann

Carole is still not feeling the earnest love from Luann, and hoped when Luann said she missed their friendship she’d ‘reach out’ to prove it by genuflecting at Carole’s Adam-loved feet. Ramona, on the edge of her seat, is eager to reveal that Luann is so NOT sincere, and is once again acting like ‘The Countess’ – running around Manhattan, all highfalutin, and lambasting Carole for not grasping onto her end of the olive branch. Carole snarks that Luann is confusing the high road with being on her high horse. Dorinda sits silently, taking it all in, her skin glowing and lovely (the effects of less John?), and secretly recording on her iPhone. Yes, I too am surprised Bethenny doesn’t collect those things at the door ala Kimye

Honestly even Carole seemed checked out of caring about this Luann feud, cause, as she’s mentioned, she only has like 5 good summers left so why waste them on people she hates? The sting is out of the scorpion, as they say, and now it’s just waving its tail around out of habit. 

However Dorinda, that TRAITOR!, scuttles across town, constantly checking over her shoulder, and convenes with the enemy in a secret locale. No, it was not a Goodwill in Queens, where ostensibly she was dropping off Sonja’s moldy curtains and her broken Pinot Alexander doll, it was in a quaint bistro. There they were safe, since none of the other Housewives speak French. Obviously, in strolls Luann, not bothering to hide at all. Luann has a cold, but she’s cognizant enough to feel the chill emanating from Ramona’s shenanigans. The friendship has two faces, and Luann is getting both Pinot and Mrs. Singer, the former. 

Dorinda warns Luann that Ramona has been playing her friend, then running straight to Carole and Bethenny to report – and worse, claiming that Luann is turning back into ‘The Countess’. Dorinda, who has known Luann for a decade, has never met this Countess they speak of, but she’s definitely experienced Carole’s poor little princess act.

Luann is shocked by Ramona's betrayal

Luann is aghast – she assumed Ramona was truly her friend now! Luann scoffs that the women – especially Ramona! – are jealous of her mad, passionate love with Tom. Accusing naysayers of being jealous is an accusation people make out spite when they don’t feel supported. While I definitely think these women – particularly Ramona! – relish in upsetting Luann, and would love to see the love she’s been bragging of blow up in her face, I don’t think it’s rooted in jealousy. Or maybe it is – what do I know of the inner-workings of Ramona? 

Dorinda, who apparently does not learn from her mistakes, is hosting another dinner party and encourages Luann to attend to confront Ramona. Luann was planning to beg off citing her cold, but Dorinda, using her finely-tuned acting skills, is persuasive. Have all the ladies been taking improv classes in-between seasons? Or method group therapy? Because Dorinda launches into a SPOT-ON impersonation of Ramona to help Luann prepare for their confrontation. This is sheer amazingness and Bravo needs to do a special WWHL charades-style episode featuring Housewives impersonating Housewives hosted by Amy Phillips.

Finally, Dorinda’s party arrives. Jules gets there first to discuss how her pistachio is nearly sex-ready, but in the interim “there’s other holes” (THAT IS CALLED TOO MUCH INFO FOR A DINNER TABLE – which is also the title of Jules’ memoir). Luann arrives early, because she plans to leave early too. Carole appears next, wearing the KILLER Celine bell-sleeved turtleneck I am dying for, and she seats her little self right next to Luann.

And get this – those two have a civil conversation wherein Carole inquires about Luann’s relationship and seems genuinely pleased Luann has found love. Luann is now living in Tom’s penthouse on the UES, and he is out ring shopping. Of course, Bethenny, at the other end of the table, is twitching with a mean barb, but curiously abstains. 

Sonja sidles in next to last. There is awkward shuffling where everyone tries to avoid seating her in the vacant spot next to Bethenny, since they’re still on, shall we say, shaky ground. Bethenny admits that, in retrospect, she handled the Tipsy Girl/Skinnygirl situation wrong and was too harsh. She’s also pleased Sonja is cleaning up her act.

During a rousing conversation about sex, and how much of it Carole is having with Adam, in walks Ramona and she didn’t even put in her diaphragm! Ramona was expecting to make an entrance! Too bad!

Ramona sits down next to Luann, who announces she must leave, but before going hisses to Ramona that she knows all about her shady behind-the-back gossiping courtesy of Dorinda. “If you’re gonna be my friend, be my friend!” admonishes Luann. Ramona denies all of Luann’s claims, and naturally projects being caught onto Dorinda by blaming her for being disloyal. 

Unfortunately, Dorinda and Jules, who really need to quit their nasty smoking habit (and if there ever was a reason…) missed the whole thing! 

Sonja spills the beans

Bethenny observes that, where menfolk are concerned, Ramona, Luann, and Sonja run in tight circles. Which is just the tip (see what I did there!) of the iceberg, because then Sonja lets it slip that she and Tom have been “friends with benefits” for years. “Benefits?! What benefits?!” asks Carole, leaning forward to not miss a drop of this tea, which is full-flavored with whole milk and sugar. Sonja instantly regrets her reveal. 

In case, you’re wondering, no, Tom was not fixing Sonja’s toilet on the cheap. Ramona is so excited by this information drop she whoops and leaps from the table, levitating in the spoils of Luann’s embarrassment. Yes, that’s the benefits of a Ramona friendship!

Luann loses it

That does it for Luann. She is disgusted and mortified. Luann declares that she doesn’t care WHO Tom slept with pre-Lu, because when she knows – she knows (See: The Count, not Chocula), and furthermore with friends like these, who needs enemies like Carole. “Why can’t you bitches just be happy for me?!” Luann bellows preparing to stalk out. But first, she turns to Carole to clarify that she does not mean her, as Carole has been kind and polite, and genuinely interested in Luann’s late-in-life finding of love.

Is it maybe because Carole herself understands being in a relationship everyone judges, suspects, and mocks? Is it because no one can believe that Adam loves Carole, just as no one can believe Tom is sincere about loving Luann? My, my … how quickly the tides turn on Real Housewives Of New York.

I should add, as an aside, were Luann my friend, I too would have have reservations about how quickly her relationship with Tom is progressing, so I don’t blame the ladies for that, although I’d hardly call their concern sincere or coming from a good place.

Bethenny and Carole react to Luann(I LOVE THE EXPRESSIONS IN THIS PHOTO!)

TELL US – SHOULD THESE BITCHES JUST ACT HAPPY FOR LUANN? IS RAMONA BEING TWO-FACED?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

 

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