Real Housewives of New Jersey recap

Last night was the dramatic conclusion of the Real Housewives Of New Jersey trip to Vermont. What started as a half-hearted placebo of a cast trip which no one was really thrilled to be attending, turned into attack of the abominable Sno-Housewife roaring her icy accusations into everyone’s chicken wing salad. I don’t know that I was entertained, per se, but there were lots of twists and turns on the bobsled ride to hell and back!

Being around Jacqueline Laruita must be so exhausting. Like trying to chart tornado paths. Honestly – I’d rather just go hide in the bomb cellar, cause with Jacqueline you never know if you’re going to get Glinda the Good Witch or her sister, and no sparkly shoes are worth all that drama.

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Also annoying, constantly hearing Siggy Flicker wax poetically about Jacqueline’s hurt. Being hurt does not entitle a grown woman “and a mother,” as Teresa Giudice intoned, to act like a raving lunatic.

After her confrontation with Robyn, Jacqueline threatens to leave Vermont. Basically, Jacqueline just wants to seek attention and have everyone beg her to stay, and sadly, maybe because they’re nice – too nice – Siggy and Dolores Catania huff over to Melissa Gorga‘s hovel to insist she kick Robyn, a threat to Teresa’s parole, off the trip for threatening Jacqueline.

Melissa didn’t even have a chance to escape her snow overalls for a pee, but she needs to handle this Robyn-issue, like immediately, or else Jacqueline is going to run screaming into the mountains.

Melissa’s patience for dealing with Jacqueline’s histrionics is low – she’s already occupied with Poison’s whining that his back hurts after he fell on his ass skiing. Melissa reminds them this trip is about Teresa – Teresa having fun before her honey goes to prison for many moons and hopefully returns a decent man, so Melissa is not gonna burden her with an ultimatum between two friends. Instead Melissa expects everyone to act like adults and just move on. Too bad for Melissa, as Jacqueline herself explains, she knows herself and knows she’s not capable of that!

Also, what’s with this revisionist history that poor, innocent Jacqueline was threatened, unprovoked, by Teresa’s foot soldier, Robyn? Was it me or did I see Jacqueline escalating that ‘incident’ to next level crazy – and taking it to a physical place? What word did Teresa use to describe it? Oh, “Antagonize” – yes, yes… that’s it.

First Jacqueline tried to stir up drama with Melissa over Kim D, when that didn’t work she sat her crazy ass on Robyn.

It is a hot day in Vermont before I’d expect Melissa to side with Teresa, but there she goes being all rational and reminding people that this trip is NOT about Jacqueline’s needs, but Teresa’s. So whose side are Siggy and Dolores on exactly?

Jacqueline cries over Teresa

Siggy and Dolores return to suburban track home the ‘Do Gooder Resort’ calls a chalet to inform Jacqueline that their conversation with Melissa did not go as planned. Jacqueline, a few glasses of Pinot de Giuidice in, wallows in despair and sobs that Teresa doesn’t love her enough. Poor Jacqueline – she’s only acting like this because she just got her period… So, am I to assume that she’s on her period at least 25 days a month? PMS is no excuse for turning into the the subject of a Lifetime Movie!

Mmmmmmm… there is a thin line between love and hate, in Jacqueline’s world, and an even thinner one between sane and crazy.

Siggy decides Jacqueline is feeling hurt and that everyone is unfairly blaming her for the fight with Robyn. But Chris knows the real problem, “Jacqueline just loves Teresa so much.” This is literally the wacko leading the wacko to the asylum, but relying on each other for directions. This sounds like a metaphor Dr. Siggy Phil would make, doesn’t it?

Melissa visits Teresa, who with half a face of badly-contoured makeup is resembling a low-budget Chewbacca, to let her know Jacqueline feels “threatened” by Robyn, and is leaving if Robyn stays. Overhearing, Robyn and Christina decide they will be the bigger people and leave. This makes a yogified Teresa furious – yet again Jacqueline has caused unnecessary trouble and is now playing the victim. She’s so mad, she wants to leave the trip herself!

Jacqueline didn’t feel threat-ned,” scoffs Teresa riding to dinner with Melissa and Poison. “She instigated Robyn! She sat on her lap!” Melissa suggests that they should at least hear Jac’s side. They need safety harnesses and helmets to handle hearing Jacqueline’s ‘side’!

As soon as they all sit down to dinner, Jacqueline leans over to Teresa with a creepy little smile, waiting for Teresa to whisper sweet nothings about the amazingness of their friendship, but instead Teresa points out that they’re missing two people.

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And then it’s time to hear Jac’s side, which I, frankly, don’t even understand. According to Jaqueline, everything that happened is Robyn’s fault, despite Teresa pointing out that if Jacqueline felt so threatened why would she sit in Robyn’s lap and “give her her ass to rage on”? Wouldn’t she walk away? Wouldn’t she stop antagonizing? When Teresa is pointing out the obvious… When Teresa is being logical…

Apparently, since Teresa has only known Robyn a few years, while Jacqueline has known her 15, Teresa is obligated to side with Jacqueline. Also, Siggy needs her self-appointed ‘expert’ degree revoked because she keeps defending Jacqueline as being ‘hurt’ and insisting no one saw how Robyn started things with Jacqueline.

Jacqueline is furious that Teresa isn’t more supportive of her decision to behave like an ass, because she remembers the days when Teresa was flipping tables, flipping Andy Cohen, and flipping out in country clubs over Danielle Staub. And in the world of Jacqueline, people are never allowed to change, grow, or learn from their mistakes. When it comes to Teresa that is largely true (like when she insists she’s not ‘The C Word’ after she just served time in prison).

Is Melissa a phony bitch?

In the midst of Jacqueline being an ass who is raging, Kim D is almost called – something about strippergate and how Jacqueline protected Melissa, which is supposed to prove that Teresa hates Melissa and recruits soldiers, like Robyn. Jacqueline screams and points in Melissa’s face, demanding Melissa verify that Jac warned her about Strippergate. Melissa tries refusing to answer because she refuses to be spoken to like a child, by the woman behaving like a toddler, so Jacqueline calls Melissa a “fake, phony bitch.” Melissa argues that Jacqueline is also fake and phony because all this time she was pretending to be Melissa’s friend, when she never even liked her.

Jacqueline gets in Melissa's face

Teresa asks Siggy if she thinks this behavior is normal? Then suggests Siggy and Dolores are under Jacqueline’s spell (they are).

Jacqueline, feeling unheard, grabs Poison’s face to get his support that Melissa is a fake, phony bitch because she’s had four nose jobs. Poor Jacqueline – Melissa and Teresa are sooooo toxic and don’t deserve her friendship! Dolores tries to explain everything using zoo metaphors about feeding animals – and after seeing Teresa eat a chicken wing with chicken sticking to her lipstick. GAH-ROSS.

Jacqueline calls Teresa 'The C Word'

Suddenly, Jacqueline stands up, calls Teresa a psycho and a criminal, and storms out. Dolores runs after her while Chris finishes his drink. In the car, an eerie calm has come over Jacqueline – she realizes that Teresa and Melissa never cared about her. Chris pacifies and instigates Jacqueline’s behavior because she’s “so upset” about Kathy and Rosie being ostracized by Teresa. OK – WTF. Chris is just as bad as Jacqueline!

Siggy is too anguished to eat and just cries into her dinner. This makes Dolores think about how Teresa is barely hanging on over Joe heading to prison. Teresa admits she’s not as strong as she looks. She’s also not “The C Word” – she was just supporting her husband, blah, blah, blah… and no one who is her friend would be yelling the ‘C word’ across a crowded restaurant. Melissa believes Jacqueline hates Teresa which is why she refuses to move on.

When Siggy and Dolores return to their condo, Jacqueline’s bags are packed and she’s eating some apples, emotionless. She claims she has no more capacity to be hurt by Teresa and Melissa, who are toxic bitches. If those two are toxic Jacqueline belongs on the terror watch list as a threat to national security. Siggy feels responsible for everyone’s friendships falling apart and decides she can’t stay on the trip either. In her room, while Dolores silently watches, Siggy cries and rants, while packing her stuff, railing that she’s never seen women behave like this and she can’t handle it.

siggy can't handle the toxic drama

You know, it is Dolores and Siggy who decided Jacqueline couldn’t leave! They demanded she stay, and look – now Siggy just experienced the “most toxic three days of her life.” I see another book coming … I see a woman who needs to do a lot of research on how toxic RHONJ can get. She should start by interviewing Kim G.

The next morning, Teresa and Melissa are ready to finally have some fun. Jacqueline, The Sicktom has left, and they’re supposed to go on a gondola ride. Siggy and Dolores, however, cannot even stomach the thought of having fun after everything that went on and want to go home immediately to quietude and calm. So, Jacqueline has fled, Robyn left, and now it’s finally time to have drama-free fun, but Siggy is ready to leave?

Sounds like Melissa and Teresa are trying to make wine from sour grapes, and enjoy the fun while they can – after all this trip was supposed to be FUN for Teresa, but instead Siggy and Dolores want to cry over fighting that had nothing to do with them! Siggy decides this is the perfect opportunity for the Melissa and Teresa to connect one-on-one, something they may have never done!

Teresa and Melissa are ready for tun

When Teresa and Melissa arrive, Siggy and Dolores are stone-faced and grim, and can’t believe how fresh-faced, chipper, and fur-ensconced TreMe are. “Teresa is dressed like Milania,” Dolores snarks. Siggy can’t handle it – she wonders where the empathy is. The empathy for whom? Jacqueline, apparently. Jacqueline and her ever-stretching ‘hurt’ which is exploding all over everyone in a toxic mess. Jacqueline’s hurt, which is never validated enough. Jacqueline’s hurt which needs its own survivors parade and maybe one of those magnetic ribbon stickers to put on your car – in the color of goopy green – and also a little rubber bracelet. And probably a 5k. I hope text books are re-edited to include entire chapters on assuaging Jacqueline’s hurt, and understanding and empathizing it.

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Teresa and Melissa are disappointed and press Siggy and Dolores to go on the gondola, to leave Jacqueline in the cold to sulk, but instead Dolores stands up and starts screaming about how she needs a break, so off TreMe go alone!

They started with all these people, “and then there were two,” observes Melissa, wryly. And who would have thought, literally and figuratively, Melissa and Teresa would have come all this way; into the tops of a snowy mountain, with tears freezing to their surgically altered faces, as Teresa confides to Melissa that she just doesn’t know how she’ll cope with Joe leaving, but she’s really appreciative of the support Melissa has given her.

Teres and Melissa bond on the gondola

Jacqueline may want to live in the past, and continue scraping dirt from that grave, but I do believe that Teresa and Melissa finally and sincerely realize they have too much to lose. Even if it’s not always easy for them to like each other, their families need each other. They both did a lot of regrettable things to instigate the feud, but then some truly awful things occurred that made forgiveness unavoidable, so it’s nice to see them both accepting and embracing this opportunity to create a relationship.

Meanwhile back in Jersey, Jacqueline pretends she’s been crying all day over the drama in Vermont, so naturally she invites Kathy Wakile over to talk shit about Teresa. Oh, Jacqueline – it is YOU who is the fake, phony bitch, who is untrustworthy and disloyal; living in the past. Jacqueline is the one who can’t move on, who won’t trust Teresa, and who is then blaming Teresa for all their issues. Jacqueline needs meds – and I don’t mean Midol!

TELL US – WHO IS MORE TOXIC: JACQUELINE OR MELISSA & TERESA? DID SIGGY OVER-REACT? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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