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We return to The Real Housewives of Dallas for what is rumored to be an amazing season. Unlike last, this is the first season fully intended to be part of the “Real Housewives” franchise. The tone has already changed from a ‘poop centric, charity loving, cartoon,’ to a southern fried drama with a side of pink dog food; ridiculous!

Cary Deuber is awarded with the first scene, hosting a doggy play-date for her and Stephanie Hollman. Cary reveals she considers Steph one of her best friends now. These women pair up quickly. We meet Biscuit, the newest Hollman dog. Much like her husband Travis Hollman, Biscuit enjoys running around the house with her panties in his mouth.

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New Housewife and dog lover (watch out Lisa Vanderpump) Kameron Westcott walks in and Biscuit runs right out. Is this an omen? After Cary fills us in on how wealthy the Westcotts are, we’re told the women have been friends of 6 years. Kameron dives in feet first, unapologetically bragging about how she’s not afraid to play the dumb blonde card, and the benefits of having a “Blonde” vanity license plate.

It doesn’t take too long for Dallas’s top charity resident LeeAnne Locken‘s name to be dropped. Cary’s planning a birthday party for her husband Mark Deuber and warns Stephanie. Cary reminds us that despite LeeAnne calling her a home wrecker, she’s welcome at the party. Meanwhile, perpetually scared Marie Reyes is still out for blood. She tweeted a police report about her former friend, LeeAnne, swinging a knife and attacking an ex-boyfriend with sandpaper (!).  Tell us more!  LeeAnne never disappoints.

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Flash to Brandi Redmond and LeeAnne who are currently friends. Gone are the days of LeeAnne calling her the “little mimicker.” These two are tight.

Back at Cary’s, Stephanie learns that Brandi will be invited to Mark’s birthday as well. Stephanie is admittedly nervous and we learn she and Brandi had a falling out; no communication, no poop talk, nothing. Stephanie admits she’s reached out to her ex-bestie but to no response. Brandi tells LeeAnne she’s been hurt by what Stephanie said in the press about her marriage, calling it a “recipe for disaster” and even “a slow car crash.” Ouch.

Brandi looks really stressed; she seems to have had the fun sucked out of her. This feud is really grating on her, despite her claims of moving on.

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Elsewhere in Dallas, Kameron (and her maid) is making roasted pumpkin pasta. In between her washing full pumpkins in the kitchen sink, we meet her husband Court Westcott. Fun Facts include: the two met at 22 years old in college, she’s 6ft, he’s referred to as a “hobbit,” and they’re both nerds. Court’s a venture capitalist and clearly does really well. They live in a 7,500 sq. foot home in Highland Park, Kameron’s pink bubble away from the real world. This woman is on her own planet. God bless her, y’all.

LeeAnne and her boyfriend Rich meet up with D’Andra Simmons and her husband Jeremy over some pinot and dinner. LeeAnne turns serious giving full eye contact, full hand motions in her interview stating, “D’Andra Simmons comes from a legacy family of Dallas.” We can only assume she’s in good standing in the charity world. Impressed yet? Oh, and she and LeeAnne are best friends (Side Note: What happened to her other best friend and former housewife Tiffany Hendra?). Rich discusses his detached retina tear and plans for retirement. When asked what’s next for him, LeeAnne (not so subtly) hints at a proposal. Second hand embarrassment is felt by all.

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Later we’re treated to a whole day in the life of the newest housewife, D’Andra. She and her maid, Fannie, fuss over a big upcoming breakfast. D’Andra’s mother Dee Simmons is coming to breakfast. D’Andra explains her father and uncle are both self-made millionaires. We’re treated to a fabulous 1980’s family portrait. Big hair and large old man frame glasses! The Simmons’ name is a big deal – it’s even showcased on many buildings around Dallas. D’Andra admits she grew up spoiled with 275 dresses and 75 pairs of shoes by 5 years old. Her mother has 35 pageant crowns and is ALWAYS done up with full hair and makeup.

Channeling Downton Abbey, the fine china is dusted off and silver napkin rings hold cloth linen. It looks like D’Andra‘s mom Dee has high standards, and I’m here for it.  Jeremy walks in, an ex-military man, a worldly photo journalist with two children from a previous marriage. Their home is quite cultural, with furniture and artifacts from around the globe: including a picture of a man in a half bunny costume, because, why not?

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There’s a lot of build up to the entrance of Mrs. Dee Simmons. She created a successful nutrition product line and paid cash for her Rolls Royce after one year. Dee enters and COMMANDS THE ROOM with a full fur vest and professionally done makeup, naturally. So Dallas.

D’Andra has been long awaiting her mother to hand over the family business. Returning to Dallas in 2004 to be handed the reins, she’s still waiting. Dee is headed out of town and has given her adult daughter a credit card, asking her to be responsible with it. She lays down the law, telling D’Andra, “Until you take responsibility of this company, no – I’m not going to walk away!” There seems to be more to the story here…

For what seems like the first time, The Newly Reformed LeeAnne Locken sits down with her Therapist, Elizabeth. She’s working on how she reacts to her anger. Apparently her image in Dallas society took a hit as a result of the show her actions. She denounces the police report involving her ex-boyfriend, admitting that the old LeeAnne would retaliate and verbally destroy someone out to hurt her. Her Therapist, in a very calming voice, suggests coping skills before she jumps to telling people she’s going to kill them. Well yes, that would be the place to start.

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Stephanie and Travis seem to be in a better place this season. The whole “Stephanie finds her voice” story arch is over, Thank God. Stephanie puts the blame on Brandi, feeling she was married to her last year. Brandi and Bryan Redmond get in bed for the night and appear closer and stronger as well. Both Bryan and Travis got together earlier that night and the wives’ separation is putting a strain on their 15 years of friendship. Brandi believes that Stephanie was sucked in by the Dallas social scene (and no doubt the attention that came with it last season). She went on to say the final straw was on Father’s Day Weekend when Stephanie sat alone reading magazines and told her husband that he’s hanging out with “his friends.” Rightfully so, this strikes an emotional cord with Brandi.

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Later, Kameron and D’Andra meet up for some dog food sampling and testing. These two are natural fits – each more rich and fabulous than the next. D’Andra thinks Kameron may have more time on her hands though. Apparently so, as she’s got this idea to create a pink dog food line.

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We’re introduced to Louis Vuitton Westcott, a Yorkshire Terrier with an AMAZING haircut. Louis is so over the top, he rejects all the dog food in the store, resulting in Kameron eating a few samples, for “research.”

In a first for the women, Cary and LeeAnne have a one-on-one chat. Cary carefully lays out to LeeAnne that her comments hurt their family. LeeAnne apologizes and they embrace. Who knew season one could be wrapped up so quickly? Cary is very proud with herself for not going behind LeeAnne’s back about the old police report. Both share concern of Brandi and Stephanie facing one another for the first time in 5 months at Mark’s birthday party. Cary insists the situation is none of LeeAnne’s business, yet she admits to being there for Stephanie and serving as a sounding board. What’s the difference if LeeAnne does the same too? Neither are “staying out of it.”

Mark’s birthday is finally here. In case anyone was wondering, yes, he picked out Cary’s shoes. Kameron enters and appears to begin a serious conversation, only resulting in her future plans for the ladies to all wear pink camo and become detectives. This woman lives on her own pink planet and it’s amazing.

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On the way over, Brandi makes it clear she is not ready to talk to her ex-bestie. She warns LeeAnne to be careful with Cary. She got a text explaining that Cary said LeeAnne was up to her old tricks. It took no time at all for LeeAnne to get it out of Brandi that the text came from Stephanie. Not missing a beat, LeeAnne announced she and Stephanie now have a real problem. Don’t cross LeeAnne Locken! Hopefully the one anger management session keeps her head on straight…

Upon entering the party, LeeAnne protects Brandi, telling her where to stand. Stephanie approaches Brandi rubbing her arm, but Brandi remains distant and closed off, looking away. There is a real disconnect here.

Kameron takes a break from daydreaming about dog food to introduce herself to Brandi, bringing Cary and Stephanie with her. Stephanie uses this as her opportunity talk to Brandi. LeeAnne keeps her new friend close and shuts it down immediately, suggesting Stephanie just text Brandi. Brandi exits, and like a body guard, LeeAnne follows her out and coaches her through an emotional breakdown. With some unfinished business left, LeeAnne takes off for Cary, confronting her about the text. Cary denies it and The Reformed One takes her word for it. LeeAnne, you get a gold star for the day.

Next Week: Mrs. Dee Simmons returns to shoot her daughter’s business ideas down. Kameron and Court have a serious discussion about dog food. Cary sees the text Stephanie sent convicting her of speaking badly about LeeAnne. LeeAnne plays mediator in a hot dog costume. Only in Dallas!

TELL US – THOUGHTS ON THE SEASON TWO PREMIERE OF THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DALLAS?

RECAP AUTHOR: GRANT RUTTER

For even more Real Housewives and Reality TV Talk, listen to Grants Rants Hollywood Talk Podcast on Apple Podcasts and all major podcasting platforms.

Photo Credits: Bravo TV

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