For those of you Vanderpumpers who are having withdrawal until the next season, Bravo has the perfect fix in Vanderpump Rules Jax and Brittany Take Kentucky. Try saying that after a few shots of bourbon. But between all the ATV riding, cow poop shoveling, and being sprayed with deer piss, Jax Taylor has a lot more to contend with than just Brittany Cartwright‘s frog leg –eating family grilling him about his marriage plans.
We start at SUR, hipster music blaring and lights dimmed, watching Brittany serve tables and Jax mix up some Pumptinis. I would be lying if I didn’t say that this was making me miss Vanderpump Rules even more. Lisa Vanderpump swans in, leather jacket clad and questioning if Jax and Brittany have their shifts covered for their vacation. OK, but can we not pretend they actually have to get their shifts covered for a whole Bravo production of their spin off? Like what would happen if Katie Maloney had a Pucker and Pout party or Tom Sandoval had garage band practice and no one could cover for them? I’m assuming we would still have a show. Anyway, I digress.When Brittany walks away, Lisa slyly asks Jax how he is going to manage to pull the wool over the family’s eyes for two whole weeks then makes a cock joke about chickens and we are off and running, folks!
The next day, Jax and Brittany (plus their dog, whatshisname), arrive in Kentucky. Brittany’s mom Sherri is there to pick them up, all smiles and frosted lipstick. Despite her past concerns about Jax and his past, Sherri seems to genuinely like him, although I’m not sure why after her last visit to L.A. when he acted like a complete a**hole right in front of her.
They arrive at the family farm, where most of Brittany’s family members still live on the 400+ acre land. The first to roll out of the welcome wagon (just an expression this time, not an actual wagon, although I was kind of expecting one) is Aunt Peggy, also known as “Mamaw.” She immediately announces to Jax that it’s been a long time since there has been a man around the farm and she’s happy he’s here to do “man things.” Well, unless Mamaw needs to know where to get a great spray tan in L.A. or how to get the closest possible shave on your chest, I don’t think Jax is going to be much help to her in the “doin’ man things” department.
Mamaw is hosting a large dinner and we get to meet some other family member, who have come to join them. There is Brittany’s sister Tiffany, sister-in-law Melisha (which is a fun play on the word militia), her brother Wes, and finally, her Stepdad, Joel, who is Sherri’s fourth (we think) husband. They all seem nice enough and bemused by what the cat dragged in to Kentucky. But as they say in the South, bless them, because they go along with it all.
Naturally, they start dinner with a prayer and Mamaw asks Jax, who wouldn’t know a church if it was floating in a martini glass, to lead them. Of course Jax stumbles. He can barely even understand what she’s asking for and someone else has to do it for him so they can all dig into their spread of burgers and baked beans. Mamaw is all about order on the farm and issues a stern warning to Jax that there will be no alcohol, per the late Papaw’s rules. Jax swallows hard but she’s not done – when are they going to get married? Clearly, the whole family has been waiting around for two years, ready for the signal to clear out the barn and hang up some Chinese lanterns to make it all official! But Jax thinks living with a girl in L.A. is the equivalent of just meeting her so hold your horses, Mamaw.
Once dinner is over, Jax and Brittany head back to Sherri’s house and find out they will be sleeping in bunk beds. Despite the fact that they live together, Sherri would be more comfortable with them not sharing a bed since you know, they aren’t married and all. Maci, one of the dogs, immediately jumps on the bed and pees right on the pillow, which feels oddly appropriate right now.
The next day, the cows are mooing, the sun is shining and Jax is gelling his hair, all so he can go shovel some horse poop. When he emerges from Sherri’s house to go with Mamaw, he is clad in denim overalls but is quick to point out he unhooked the one strap so he can bring some fashion to the farm. I guess, if you take your fashion cues from New Kids on the Block, circa 1989. While Jax gets to shoveling, Brittany and Sherri fix breakfast in the kitchen and talk about what Brittany is going to do if Jax hasn’t proposed in three years. Give an ultimatum, of course! Because the last thing Brittany is going to do is be ring-less by the age of 30, which is really 45 in Kentucky time.
After breakfast, they head out to meet Brittany‘s Dad, Don at his house a few miles down the road from the farm. Jax is worried that his workouts will suffer while in Kentucky and he will have to get more plastic surgery on his boobs so he requests an axe to chop some wood. Don is amused, but obliges and watches Jax chip away at a tree for 30 minutes, commenting that he looks like Tarzan but acts like Jane. Don finally puts Jax out of his misery and uses a chainsaw to get the tree down in less than a minute.
Once done, they head inside for some more home cooking, this time with Brittany’s other side of the family which includes her stepmom, other brother and nephews. Frog legs are on the menu tonight and Jax goes for them, commenting that they actually do taste like chicken. But before Jax can even finish his frog legs, Don wants to know, YOU GUESSED IT, when Jax and Brittany are going to get married. Jax admits it’s going to be a long two weeks if every dinner is full of marriage talk and I don’t blame him on this one – I’m bored already.
After dinner, it’s time for a big farm bonfire and Brittany’s friends show up to get on TV meet Jax and hang out. Of course, Jax, the L.A. bad boy that he is, has alcohol stashed in a truck and just can’t wait to bust into it. But being the true man child that he is, he makes a big scene about how all of Brittany’s friends should come and look at his truck and they all hover in the backseat, pouring out giant bottles of alcohol into red solo cups. Smooooooth. Jax whines that he isn’t about to sneak around like a little kid to have a drink but that’s exactly what he does until Mamaw, used to smelling bulls**t all day, wanders over to see what they are up to. They all scatter and Jax runs like a chicken with his head cut off, or a Jax with his nuts cut off, and heads straight for Mamaw and Sherri.
To distract them from his rule breaking, Jax throws them both a bone by saying he is planning on proposing. He even has a ring designer and everything to prove he’s serious. He pulls out his phone and shows them a design of a huge diamond solitaire, which doesn’t really require that much designing if you ask me, but of course they are nothing but thrilled at the prospect. They don’t realize this is a way for Jax to get them off his back for the remainder of the trip and Sherri chirps over and over about how Jax Taylor is going to be her son-in-law. Both Mamaw and Sherri give their blessing, not realizing a Jax in the family would be more like a curse.
Hang onto the second strap of your overalls because this is going to be one hell of a trip!
TELL US – DID YOU WATCH THE PREMIERE OF JAX AND BRITTANY TAKE KENTUCKY? WILL YOU TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR MORE? DO YOU THINK JAX AND BRITTANY WILL ACTUALLY EVER GET MARRIED?
Photo Credit: Bravo
